Truest Joy

the subject of Christian joy can be tricky. some would say that Christian joy does not necessarily mean exuberant happiness on a day to day basis, but more like an undercurrent amidst life's unfairness and trials--somehow rationalizing the "doom and gloom" that many serious Christians tend to have--therefore explaining away their palpable depression and misery. and then there's the other end of the spectrum that Christian "joy" can tend to be intentionally or unintentionally fake, overtly contrived to compensate for something unseen, or unrealized. i have seen/experienced both manifestations of Christian joy and i must admit that neither are satisfactory. and for some time, i tried to neutralize myself to the elusiveness of it all, by trying to pretend like i didn't care. but the truth of the matter is that there must be the truest joy, a matter that the holy spirit has been prompting my heart to seek after--i cannot settle for neutrality in this matter.

but how can one have the Truest Joy without contriving it, or seeking happiness as a means to an end? is there really something so wrong about enjoying life to it's fullest, within the context of a Christian's pursuit of God and holiness?

i am reading a book by Martin Lloyed-Jones titled Spiritual Depression: It's causes and Cures, and he has a theory--well, actually, he has a few, but this one really stood out to me:

The particular trouble with which we are dealing tends...to be common among those who have been brought up in a religious manner...it is more likely to affect those who have been brought up in Christian homes and families...there are many such people who seem to go right through their lives in the way described by Shakespeare as 'bound in shallows and in miseries.'They are in the realm of the Church and very interested in Christian things; and yet when you compare them with the New Testament description of the new man in Christ you see at once that there is a great difference. Indeed they themselves see that, and this is often the main cause of their depression and their unhappiness....they are what I would call miserable Christians, simply because they have not understood the way of salvation, and for that reason all their beliefs and efforts have been more less useless. They often concentrate on the question of sanctification, but it does not help them because they have not yet understood justification.
...This confusion is an old trouble. In a sense it is the masterpiece of Satan. He will even encourage us to be righteous as long as he has us confused at this point. That he is doing so at present time is clear from the fact that the average person in the Church seems to regard men as Christian simply because they do good works.

i would tend to agree with mr. jones. i believe this theory sufficiently explains the trouble of the miserable Christian and the one who feels the need to fake their joy, for lack of it. and really, a miserable Christian and one who needs to fake joy, are one in the same. it is the problem of externals. why must we feel that we need to prove ourselves to others when we have the absolute approval of the One who matters the most? The LORD has never asked us, nor expected us, to prove ourselves to Him in order to receive His love and blessing. He has accepted us completely, in our sinfulness and imperfections, and has given us the sole reason to have pure, unadulterated joy. In this context, it is important to consider: That while we were sinners, Christ died for us and that God's love is incomprehensibly, undeniably, UNCONDITIONAL--unaffected by what we do or not do.

But still the question remains, how can we, then, have the truest joy? how can we practically attain something that seems so elusive? Well, this is what God has been teaching me over the last three years (which i'm sure is only the beginning). It has been a long season of trials and adversity, hardships and heartwrenching changes. I have experienced many a low points, misery at some points and sometimes even contrived joy. But still my lowest, most bleak point had to come before I emerged, only by God's amazing grace, with a new and profound understanding of His love and His desire to have a deep, loving relationship with me. It has been said "You must be miserable before you can know true Christian joy." And I find this to be so true. This life is ultimately not about what I do, but about enjoying a relationship with Him. In order to be effective in ministry, it must come from a heart, overflowing with love for Christ! Not guilt, or a sense of obligation attached to other people's expectations. One cannot understand the love of Christ by working for it. One can never cook enough meals, or attend enough bible studies or lead enough hours of worship. We must enjoy our relationship with God, for the sake of who He is, in order to enjoy life and all that He has for us to do in this life. And enjoying God is a continual practice of seeking His presence in every moment of every day. To find ourselves centered on who He is, reminding ourselves of His blessings. That is the truest joy. There can be so much more to say, but since this post is already so long, I think that my particular journey, especially in these last few weeks, can be summed up in this paragraph:

There is not a world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God. Those only can comprehed it who practice and experience it; yet I do not advise you to do it from that motive. It is not pleasure which we ought to seek in this exercise; but let us do it from a principle of love and because God would have us...

Second Letter

excerpt from The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

In a conversation...with a person of piety, he told me the spiritual life was a life of grace, which begins with servile fear, which is increased by hope of eternal life...consummated by pure love, that each of these states had its different stages, by which one arrives at last at that blessed consummation.

I have not followed all these methods. On the contrary, from I know not what instincts, I found they discouraged me. This was the reason why, at my entrance into religion, I took a resolution to give myself up to God, at the best return I could make for His love, and for the love of Him, to renounce all besides.

For the first year I commonly employed myself...with the thought of death, judgment, heaven, hell and my sins...such was my beginning, and yet I must tell you that for the first 10 years I suffered much. The apprehension that I was not devoted to God as I wished to be, my past sins always present to my mind, and the great unmerited favors which God did me, were the matter and source of my sufferings. During this time I fell often, and rose again presently. It seemed to me that all creatures, reason and God Himself were against me, and faith alone for me. I was troubled sometimes with thoughts that to believe I had received such favors was an effect of my presumption, which pretended to be at once where others arrive with difficulty; at other times, it was a willful delusion, and that there was no salvation for me.

When I thought of nothing but to end my days in these troubles (which did not at all diminish the trust I had in God and which served only to increase my faith), I found myself changed all at once; and my soul, which till that time was in trouble, felt a profound inward peace, as if she were in her center and place of rest.

Ever since that time I walked before God, simply, in faith with humility and with love, and I apply myself diligently to do nothing and think nothing which may displease Him....

...when I apply myself to prayer, I feel all my spirit and all my soul lift itself up without any care or effort of mine and it continues as it were suspended and firmly fixed in God, as in its center and place of rest. I know that some charge this state with inactivity, delusion and self-love...yet I cannot bear that this should be called delusion, because the soul which thus enjoys God desires herein nothing but Him. If this be delusion in me, it belongs to God to remedy it. Let Him do what He pleases with me; I desire only Him and to be wholly devoted to Him.

Beautiful Mercy

Thank you, Kendra Bailey for sharing this song with me.

Beautiful Mercy by Laura Hackett

There is no pitt too deep
that Jesus cannot reach

there is no sorrow too strong
that will overtake his beloved ones

And He's brought me to the wilderness
where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean
Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
where I will learn to sing
and He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean

so kind, oh beautiful mercy
do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do (You know the best way)
oh Beautiful Mercy
do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
do what you have to do

So I will sing
yes, I will sing

even in the brokenness
I will sing
even in this loneliness

O Come All Ye Faithful

These thingies are always fun.... and I know that it's 8:15 in the morning, which is kind of pathetic. Whatever. I do what I want. I'm done for the semester. Yip!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.

Your Artist: So Elated

Are you male or female: Lucky Ones

Describe yourself: Why I Need You

How do you feel about yourself: Not Complete

Describe where you currently live: Exit Door

The first thing you think of when you wake up: Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Eastern Star

Your favorite form of transportation: Shepherds And Angels

Your best friend is: Stick With You

Your favorite color is: Greensleeves

What's the weather like: It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: The Ache of Going Without

What is life to you: Open My Heart With Knives

What is the best advice you have to give: Redemption

If you could change your name, what would it be: The First Noel

How you would like to die: Viral (The Incapable Rival)

Your soul's present condition: Why I Need You

The faults you can bear: Creep

How would you describe your love life: Strangers

What are you going to post this as: O Come All Ye Faithful

for more stuff by this artist click here. I really enjoy them. Their style is reminiscent of most indie/experimental/folk artists, which I love because their sound is unique from most Christian artists. And their lyrics speak to and addresses the reality of living a life of faith as broken people in this broken world.

hmm. yes.

an excerpt from a Job study guide (the context of the following paragraph is how Job expressed himself freely, not holding his emotions back, when He spoke with God about his suffering [Job 7:7-21; 9:14-10:7] and how Scripture encourages us to "pour out our hearts to God." [psalm 62:8]):

...Sometimes anger can mean we are outgrowing a concept of God that is no longer adequate. That was surely the case with Jonah who was angry that God did not live up to Jonah's expectations as a just judge of Ninevites [Jonah 4:1,4,9).

Mike Mason says, 'The difference between believers and unbelievers is that while the former argue on speaking terms with the LORD, the latter do so by turning their backs and giving Him the silent treatment...Anger may be used by God to break up a spirit of complacency...our anger functions to move us closer to God as He really is. Religious phonies will go to almost any length to hide the fact that their relationship with God is not real or satisfying. But people who truly love the LORD have a consuming hunger for reality."

studying in between daydreams...

maybe it's because of the enormous pressure that i've been feeling lately to become a competent nurse by the time I graduate (in three semesters!) that i've turned to dreaming about non-nursing related things that I could be doing for the rest of my life to cope with the stress. Or maybe it's just part of my "jack-of-all-trades" frame of mind--which means that i have a varied interest in...things: I enjoy playing guitar/writing music, i love art, i get giddy about sitting in various coffee shops, drinking from "for here" cups, i love cooking, i love photography, children, i enjoy the vocation of nursing, i have great interest in fashion & interior design, and in the culinary arts, i love traveling... and the list goes on. There must be a reason why God put all those interests inside me. I'm sure they're supposed to come together in some way, shape or form...

so today, in between reading/studying the primary interventions for a burn patient and my roast beef and swiss sandwich-- i came up with the "perfect" life: I would be a nurse by day (or 3 days of the week), of course, but I would eventually have a music therapy clinic, while also co-owning a coffee shop in which my children would help/work in (if they were of age, of course, and if they wanted to, this wouldn't be an infringement of any child labor laws, at all--though i would highly encourage work. i think kids would enjoy that sort of thing, plus it supposedly teaches them responsibility). Did I forget to mention that I went to culinary school in between the establishment of my music therapy clinic and the coffee shop (where I would host different shows/performances and invite my clients from the clinic to attend to these performances). Anyways, because I would be a graduate from culinary school, I would make amazing gourmet meals for my family & friends (for fun and for special occasions: church potlucks, birthdays, etc.) And sometime in between or after culinary school and my coffee-shop, I would record a CD and proceeds from the CD would go to different missionaries and maybe fund some sort of organization that will sponsor a mission trip I would take someday where I will use music therapy in conjuction with my nursing skills to bring Jesus and wholistic healing to the culture/people I encounter on said mission trip. I would also have the time of my life decorating my coffee shop, my clinic and my very own home--while borrowing ideas from places like Anthropologie and Pottery Barn. And I would be the sort of mom that would take lots and lots of pictures of her family and put them up on a blog, or around my home...

Though, reality still likes to penetrate even the thickest and foggiest of daydreams--I probably would have to have my school loans paid off before any of this could happen, if it could ever happen. HAH. ew.

Sigh. Wouldn't that be cool if life did turn out the way we plan it? Maybe some things will come true. It is exciting to think about what God has planned for my life. I have a new found openness to wherever He'll take me, or have me do with the time on Earth He has given me. I firmly believe--with all my heart--that He gives us the desires of our hearts, though, it's only through His perfect timing that these things come about.

Ok. study break over.

Holiday bliss.

instant joy. that's what comes to mind when i think of christmas. my inner child can't seem to keep herself under control these days. i find that i enjoy making sugar cookies and decorating them, while consuming large amounts of frosting in the process. To add to my list of things that keep my inner child happy: the cold weather (40 degrees in Southern California is a BIG deal...don't hate.) hot chocolate with marshmallows. lots and lots of marshmallows. peppermint candy canes. peppermint white mocha in those red starbucks cups that come out only for the holidays. trees with lights. listening to the Elf soundtrack. listening to Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas" on repeat and unashamedly dancing along with it. singing "O Holy Night" at the top of my lungs. thinking of baby Jesus in the manger, wondering (a) if he ever did cry (b) what sort of thing did they use for diapers in those days.

speaking of baby Jesus, singing songs like "Away in A Manger" have been quick to bring tears to my eyes, especially this part:

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray

Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to heaven
To live with Thee there

sigh. I LOVE this time of year.

pajama kid

most kids stay at home on saturday mornings, either to sleep in from a busy week of school and recess, or to sit in front of the television with a bowl of cereal watching cartoons.

but not pajama kid.

pajama kid forgoes the age-old tradition of Saturday morning cartoons and comes to Starbucks with his mother. He wears his floor length navy-blue fuzzy bathrobe, complete with fuzzy teddy bear slippers and his stuffed spotted leopard shark snuggled nicely in his left arm. His red hair epitomizes the meaning of "bed-head."

I watch pajama kid with great interest and amusement as he bounces up and down with excitement, his eyes gleaming with pure joy as his mother orders him a Venti vanilla bean frappuccino with whipped cream. He holds his mother's hand tightly and snuggles his messy little head in his mothers arm--completely unbeknownst to him that his warddrobe and fuzzy slippers make him stick out like a sore-thumb. Not that he would care. Oh, the days of blissful ignorance.

I find this whole situation endearing and I'm not entirely sure as to why. Maybe it's because I like that it seems that the kid is not being held to the same social standards that I find myself bound and obligated to uphold--i.e., he gets to wear his pajamas to public places and I don't. I admire his mother for risking her reputation of being a "good mother," by taking her kid to Starbucks and ordering him a vanilla bean frappuccino at 9:00 in the morning. And I would like to give her the benefit of a doubt that this ritual is not a regular occurence--judging from the excited/spastic nature of the child in question and his obvious endearment of his mother. But I like this "ritual," or this tradition, where for one morning the child and his child-like nature is exemplified, nurtured and adored, by allowing space for his natural affinity for soft, fuzzy things and sugary foods.

Giddy?

A warm feeling just rushed over me. Maybe it's because I'm drinking a peppermint hot chocolate from a "for here" mug at Starbucks--I love "for here" mugs.

Or maybe because, for some unexplainable reason, God has decided to bless me today with the very real realization that He loves me a whole lot. Duh, right? I mean I know that in my head. It's not quite as often that I feel like my heart is about to burst within me because I actually believe it. I feel like I've gained some ground in attempting to understand the infinite love of God.

The best part about this whole giddy feeling is that it feels like a gift. Like something I totally don't deserve. I appreciate it so much right now because a week ago it seemed like I had forgotten about the love of God and the love of others. It's something that I'm continually learning--a life lesson that I hope will never get old. God can take me to the lowest of valleys, but is faithful to reveal to me what matters the most: Himself.

God is showing me that my love for him should not be contingent on the good things in my life. I know that God wants me to be dependent on him apart from blessings, or when life seems to be running smoothly.

So, today is a good day. I'm having a good day. I am enjoying it. But, I'm not in Heaven yet. And the reality of life means that there are more lessons to learn, more frigid seasons to weather, more darkness to endure.

But today is a very good day.

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I wish...

...that my brain had an off button, so that i wouldn't have to think so much or too hard. or better yet: a filter button, so i would only think about the good things when life is hard, and the hard things when i'm strong enough;

...that God Himself would somehow extend His arms of love from Heaven, pick me up and hold me in His lap and tell me that everything is going to be ok...that what He does, whether easy or hard, has eternal value that makes it worth it to go through crap.

...thinking about the things unseen would make the things seen, less painful.

...that brocoli didn't make the kitchen smell like fart.

...that I could eat a million snickers bars without any serious repurcussions.

...that everyone would know how my brothers, Lenard & Lenny, make me laugh more than anyone else can, that being with them lift my spirits and make me feel like I belong somewhere.

when reality hits.

I was driving home from school today, when I suddenly realized how forgiven I was--which was surprising b/c it's been a hard week thus far. It was a very sobering, thankful thing that swept over me. I've been really honest with God this week, maybe more so than I have ever been, allowing myself be real with God about my imperfections, allowing myself to go deep into the trenches of my humanity. Normally, I find myself running from my shame or my short-comings, or trying to cover them up or trying to compensate by doing things like throwing myself into a ministry, or spouting out "Christianese" to myself and/or to anyone who would hear. No, this time I had no energy left to be "strong." It was a scary and intimidating thing to allow myself to see who I really am before God--there was that lingering doubt in my head, telling me: Can God really accept you? Will He listen to someone so incredibly broken and imperfect?

I think that I am beginning to let go of control in regards to how much I have to do, to sort of earn God's unconditional love. I think part of this is because I am in this process of accepting who I am--a kind of acceptance that encompasses all my faults, my struggles and my imperfections. I mean, scripture says that God has accepted that part of me. If God, in Christ, accept those things about me, then who am I to reject the person He's made me to be? I've accepted that I am going to mess up. A lot. There's no point in pretending that I know what the hell I'm doing. In fact, I am still un-sanctified in so many areas of my life, but now, instead of me trying to "fix" all those bad things myself, I am striving to trust that the Spirit of God will work those things out in me. My job is to abide in Christ and to seek Him. The LORD will prune my imperfections, so that I may bear more fruit. It is the LORD's job...not mine.

After all, the Gospel is not about my ability to keep the rules, or how involved I am in ministry, but the willingness of Christ to forgive me...because no matter what I do, I will mess up in some way, shape or form. In Christ, I am fully accepted and fully forgiven.

...so the Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly that all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.

Amen.

five years ago, today

Every once in awhile, I like to revisit my xanga blog and read things that I wrote when I was 19.

Today, this is what I found:

if someone were to ask me what the one thing in the world that i really really REALLY want (as of now), my heart's desire?.... my answer? to get in the nursing program next fall. if i don't get in...i know i could always apply elsewhere... and life will move on...but i'd be devastated for about 2 weeks...maybe longer... maybe forever! hah hah hah kidding. admission is solely based on GPA status...minimum is 3.0 but the lowest GPA they accepted last semester was a 3.35.the fact that i know i could've gotten better grades in certain classes... is bugging me right now. it's too late to look back and wish that i studied and done better on tests. What good is my faith if i slack off and not do my best? YEAH. exactly. like that verse in James... "Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." [James 2:17]

I applied for the nursing program at Fresno State and as the story goes, I didn't get in. Yes, it did have a lot to do with my GPA, and yes, I was pretty devastated--as were my parents--for far longer than 2 weeks, when I didn't get in. But that's what prompted me to look for other options. I didn't go to Biola right away. I waited another semester or so, I think.

The really interesting thing about this particular entry is the fact that I started out the entry with admitting what my heart's desire was. Hah. Sometimes, in the midst of all the busy-ness and the stress of nursing school now, I forget how much I wanted all of this more than anything. I wanted it so bad that it hurt--which is probably why I felt so devastated when I didn't get in a program the first, second or third time that I applied (the third time I applied was during my first year at Biola. I didn't get in then, either). When I applied for the fourth time, I was already ready to give up. I had no hope that I was getting into nursing at all. I didn't know what to do. It seemed mean that God would give me such a strong desire, only to have it be unfulfilled. I doubted what I thought was my calling. I felt so lost. I questioned God a lot, saying to Him, "LORD, how could I want something this much only to be disappointed time and time again? If I'm not supposed to be a nurse, then take this desire away."

But I did get in... after the fourth time! And now I'm finishing up the third semester of the nursing program, and I only have three more semesters to go!

I really needed to read my xanga entry today. I'm thankful that I developed the habit of public self-disclosure at an early age, because I can look back and remind (or surprise) myself of what's true and see so clearly how God is working in my life--inspite of myself and my failures! How quickly I forget those truths. Thankfully, they become less of a cliche when I actually experience these things in my life.

And today I am reminded to keep hoping in God and to keep believing that He does grant us the desires of our hearts--but only in His perfect timing, with the purpose of accomplishing something within us that He can only do through the seasons of various trials. Most importantly, we must wait. Anything good that God has in store for us is worth waiting for. Biola was worth waiting for. Being here has been an incredible blessing in my life, an important milestone for my faith.

Thank You, Jesus.

What my heart wants to believe.

"...Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fulness all He takes away."

Ishmael

In Genesis 15, after Abram pleads his case about not having an heir to call his own, God makes a covenant with Abram, promising that Abram will have his own son. I'm sure Abram and Sarai were very excited about this when he came home that night to tell her the good news. But I also noticed that in this passage, God had not given any specifics about when this was going to happen or where this heir was coming from. I suppose one would naturally assume that Abram would logically deduce that this promised heir would come from his wife, Sarai. However, I don't think that it was a natural assumption for either Abram or Sarai because Sarai was barren. So, what then would the next logical--and culturally acceptable--step for Sarai to take, as Abram's loving and supportive wife? To give Abram her servant Hagar, so that through Hagar, Abram would have his heir.

We can know, after reading a few paragraphs later, that this was not how God planned to bring about Abram's heir. But Sarai and Abram did not know that. In fact, it was like they were standing at the end of a very dark cave, where they could see, in the distance, the twinkling light of God's promise. But they couldn't even see their feet--or the ground--in front of them, so...they took a step in the dark, towards that light--it didn't deter them from their course, nor did they fall into a hole in the ground.

It's not until Genesis 17:15 that God becomes more specific about the heir he promised Abram, now called Abraham. God tells him that this son will be coming from Sarai, re-named to be known as Sarah, his 90 year-old barren wife. When Abraham heard this, he fell on his face and laughed! It seemed too impossible and ridiculous! He even asked God if He could just use Abraham's already exisiting son, Ishmael, for what God has promised. Of course God says, "No." And God also restates his promise: "...Sarah, your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name, Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his offspring after him." But, God does not forget about Ishmael either: "As for Ishmael, I have heard you; behold, I have blessed him and will make him fruitful and multiply him greatly. He shall father twelve princes and I will make him into a great nation." It's amazing to see that even though Ishmael was not how God intended to bring about His covenant with Abraham, God still blessed him.

Reading the story about Ishmael and Abraham reminds me that God will remain steadfast to His promise--no matter what I do. God is a good God. He is faithful. He does what is best for His people--in a sense that He plans my life in accordance to what will bring Him the MOST glory. And while Christians can know and be sure that God has promised us good things, we find ourselves in the pitch blackness of our inability to forsee every outcome of every circumstance. I'm learning more and more that actually living out my faith in who God is means taking steps in the darkness of uncertainty and trusting that God will not leave me alone in that darkness. He is there to pick me up when I fall. He guides my steps and helps me get back on track when I take a wrong turn somewhere.

Like Sarai, I often make decisions that would seem to fit into God's will for my life, only to find out that it was kind of close...but not quite Isaac. Abraham and Sarah were not punished, nor were their actions considered sinful by God. And who's to say that it was a wrong decision? I find that living, actually living life, means that there are more gray areas than there are black and whites. Living in the light of this realization means even more dependency on God's grace and His Holy Spirit. Because as God was gracious towards Abraham, Sarah, Hagar and Ishmael, He is gracious towards us in our effort to find our footing in the uncertainty. We must also be able to give grace to ourselves in that regard. I mean, if God can give room for our limits as human beings--this is seen throughout Scripture and even in how Christ came TO us, while we were sinners and enemies of God--shouldn't we also accept our limits and give our humanity some room, too?

Pressure release.

With all my projects and things building up, approaching the inevitable moment of explosion, which would entail: a few all-nighters and consuming gallons of caffeine in order to get all the I need to turn, turned in... I wanted to just stop and take this moment to remind myself of the good things in life (the love of God and His grace is implied), and the things that I love and appreciate about it, too.

Good thing number one: Indie/Folk music- it soothes my anxiety/stress like chamomille tea with lemon soothes my sore throat.
Good thing number two: food & making it. I find cooking very therapeutic. The other day, I literally made chicken [noodle] soup for MY weary soul. ...Ha?
Good thing number three: Cold weather--just means I get to snuggle under my comforter at night. And it means I get to wear comfy sweats and sweatshirts, too.
Good thing number four: Michael Buble's new CD, Crazy/love.
Good thing number five: Bon Iver's song: Woods. How I savor the sweet memories from my summer at HoneyRock...the beautiful lakeside, the cold, crisp mornings and the amazing people that I have met.
Good thing number six: Iced freakin' Tea. How wonderful and satisfying. Now lipton has these little single serve travel packets, so I can stuff three in my purse and just add it to my Nalgene! (I suppose that would implicate that I drink a lot of tea. Let's just say that I really love tea.)
Good thing number seven: Breathing. One takes it forgranted when you can't do it very well. Thank you, Albuterol.
Good thing number eight: Sleeping. Also becomes quite the commodity, when you realize you can't do it very much right now...

Profound.

"The problem is that there are important aspects of our experience that we ignore. Many of us...refuse to face our feelings of shame. They make us feel too vulnerable. so we pretend they do not exist and hope they will go away. Or it may be our broken and wounded self that we try to deny. When we do so, however, these unwanted parts of self do not go away. They simply go into hiding. If for example, I only know my strong, competent self and am never able to embrace my weak or insecure self, I am forced to live a lie. I must pretend that I am strong and competent, not simply that I have strong and competent parts or that under certain circumstances I can be strong and competent. Similarly, if I refuse to face my deceitful self I live in illusion regarding my own intergrity. Or if I am unwilling to acknowledge my prideful self, I live an illusion of false modesty.

Our knowing of ourselves will remain superficial until we are willing to accept ourselves as God accepts us--fully and unconditionally, just as we are. God's acceptance of us as we are is not in any way in conflict with Divine longing for our wholeness. Nor is our acceptance of our self. But until we are prepared to accept the self we actually are, we block God's transforming work of making us into our true self that is hidden in God. We must befriend the self we seek to know. We must receive it with hospitality, not hostility. No one--not even your own self--can be known apart from such a welcome...

...Until we are willing to accept the unpleasant truths of our existence, we rationalize or deny responsibility for our behavior.

If God loves and accepts you as a sinner, how can you do less? You can never be other than who you are until you are willing to embrace the reality of who you are. Only then can you truly become who you are most deeply called to be.
Some Christians become quite upset at the suggestion that self-acceptance must precede transformation. They argue that self-acceptance is the exact opposite of what we are supposed to do to the parts of self that do not honor God. What we are supposed to do, they say, is crucify them, not embrace them.
Scriptures seem clear enough about the importance of crucifying out sin nature (Romans 8:13). But attempts to eliminate things that we find in our self that we do not first accept as part of us rely on denial, not crucifixion. Crucifixion should be directed toward our sin nautre. And we must first accept it as our nature, not simply human nature. Only after we genuinely know and accept everything we find within our self can we begin to develop the discernment to know what should be crucified and what should be embraced as an important part of self.
Freud noted that things about ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge are given increased power and influence by our failure to accept them. It is that which we avoid, he asserted, that will most tyrannize us. In this he was absolutely right. Self-acceptance does not increase the power of things that ultimately need to be eliminated. Rather, it weakens them. It does so because it robs them of the power that they develop when they operate outside of awareness and outside the embrace of self-acceptance."
[The Gift of Being Yourself, David G. Benner, 53, 56-57]

Job.

I've been spending some time in Job over the last couple of months. Wanted to share some of my thinking(s):

1. In Chapter 1, God offers up Job, the most righteous man on the earth, to Satan, the evil one, the one who prowls the earth like a ravenous lion, looking for someone to destroy. God tells Satan, "Have you considered Job....behold, all that he has is in your hands." I've browsed over this verse many times but I've never actually reacted to it before. This time around, my mouth hung open. God was more than willing to subject Job to gut-wrenching, heartbreaking pain. In our eyes, this does not seem fair. It's probably because it is not.

2. Before Job's friends decided to try to fix him and make things all better, they actually showed Job compassion and sympathy when they sat with him, on the ground, for seven days and seven nights, without speaking one word..."for they saw that his suffering was very great." Wow.

3. For a long time, God allows Job to speak his mind, to complain...to suffer greatly. Job lamented his brains off. Job did not hold back. Which reminds me of a really great quote I heard last week, "So who here has ever gained anything from successfully hiding your true feelings from God?"

4. However, when it came time for God to speak, when God reminded Job, who He was, Job immediately was silenced. I wonder if Job could've fully appreciated and experienced the GREATNESS of God, if he was not so broken. If his heart was not so tender, would he have said "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted...I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know?" Job had nothing left in him. All he could see, feel, think...was God.

5. My favorite part in the entire book is when the LORD rebukes Job's friends: "My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has...", AND when the LORD restores Job's fortunes. It wasn't like Job expected the LORD to give him twice as much as he had before. Maybe if Job did know that it was God's plan all along, then maybe he would've focused on the prize at hand. Hm. But would that be so wrong? I can't help but look forward to the prize, which is not really the fact that the LORD will bless me--not because I deserve it, but because He is a good God--but that the prize is really Jesus. Somehow, that feels weird to say, even though I know it's true. "The upward call of God in Christ Jesus," is how the Apostle Paul put it in the book of Philippians.

6. I think that the only way Job was able to survive his suffering was simply by the grace of God, which is ironic, because God allowed him to go through those trials in the first place. That is something that is not easy to understand, nor am I going to pretend that I do.

7. I think it's ok to look forward to and even expect God's blessings, for he does bless us in material ways, and in spiritual ways. His blessing may not mean doubling my fortune, or blessing me with 14,000 sheep...but it's going to be something great and worthwhile...a treasure of sorts...with eternal value...

dead. serious.

I just realized that I tend to write pretty serious blogposts. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But it does negate, or ignore, my fun, frivolous side.

Granted, there has not been much to be funny or frivolous about in the past few weeks of my life, but I'm still pretty funny. Maybe not intentionally. Maybe never intentionally. I guess what all I'm trying to say is, I'll try to be less serious? But I guess I can't really guarantee anything.

Speaking of serious/funny--I signed up for life insurance yesterday. Apparently, when you're 24, you're over the hill and could die at any moment. My dad suggested that I sign up cause, and I quote, I'm "not getting any younger," and I figured, hey...why not.

Thanks Dad. Good looking out.

"Mash-up"

Mash-up: combining two--or more-- different ideas, or layering them, in order to form one. Finding that one idea, may fill in the deficits of another. (This is my adapted definition of what a mash up is, adapted from a musical mash-up, which can be seen here. Thank you, "Glee.")

If one looks hard enough, one can find redemptive qualities (with some deficits) in secular works--sometimes non-believers can be so profound, "building" altars to God without their conscious knowledge (with deficits filled in by what God has to say):

Today's Mash-Up:

from Lucy Schwartz, lyrics from her song "Gone Away:"

"we were never meant to be this damn broken/words were never meant to be this half-spoken
Falling in a space between the universe/ and all we see has gone away/ Gone away..."

and from the word of the LORD:

" The LORD upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open your hand you satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. The LORD preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever." [Psalm 141: 14-21]

"He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names..." [Psalm 147:3-4]

"I could've danced all night..."

I will admit it proudly. I am a "Gleek"-- a new label coined by pop culture to define [or herd] those of us who are fans of Fox's newest TV series, "Glee." For those of you who have not heard, or have made a conscious choice to not jump on another TV show bandwagon--a decision that I applaud and admire you for--"Glee" is a show about a bunch of misfits who are part of a glee club. There is lots of singing (lots of GOOD singing), great re-mixes of popular tunes, good-looking people (Noah "Puck" Puckerman i.e Mark Salling), outlandish humor, and of course, plenty of high-school drama. I think that's part of the appeal. I'm basically watching a lot of quirky yet talented, semi-coordinated people make bad choices. And it's funny in a "I'm-so-glad-I-have-more-common-sense-than-they-do" kind of way. I think many people enjoy this show for that reason...i mean, other than the fact that the musical numbers are just excellent. I can't remember the last time I actually was excited about watching TV! I love Glee. Wee.

Anyway, here's a clip of the Glee club's rendition of Queen's --Somebody to Love. It's by far my favorite.

self.

If John Calvin has said, "There is no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God, and no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self," then--if one agrees with this statement--wouldn't it also be true if I said that a false knowing of self would lead to a false knowing of God and a false knowing of God would lead to a false knowing of self?

Sometimes the word "self" is like a buzz word. It makes some Christians cringe. As if acknowledging the self would be immediately sinning against God. It is understandable, though, that many would react this way. With some Christians from the charismatic movement focusing too much on a person's subjective feelings in regards to worship and the rest of the liberal world choosing to leave God behind to focus on self-actualization and self-discovery, it's no wonder that to some Christians, that even daring to mention the "self" is comparable to dropping the f-bomb.

But in a relationship with God, one cannot ignore the self. In fact, in order to accept one's need for a savior, one must acknowledge and understand the depths of their offense towards God! And in order to do that, one must examine and know one's self--their attitudes, their tendencies, their weaknesses and their faults. But somehow, after the preliminary humbling that leads us to the Cross, the new Christian becomes inundated with the ins and outs of American Christian culture: "Now that you're a Christian you have to look like a Christian, smell like a Christian, talk like a Christian and do what Christians do." And sometimes, in order to keep up with all these expectations, one begins to forget who they really are...a broken, weak creature, who still desperately needs a Savior. They take on, or rather give themselves, a new identity--not the one that Christ gave them, but the one that everyone else expects them to have. Then all of a sudden, being a Christian becomes about doing/saying the right things, leading worship, going to bible study, evangelizing, etc. If a person is acting like a Christian, they must be one. As long as a Christian does what supposed to be doing, keeping busy in the church and being active in ministry, then he's fine. And God is proud of him.

It's not long until we forget who we really are and in forgetting who we are, we forget who God is. We know, in our minds, that He is a Holy God, Sovereign and far above us--which is why we made sure that we were doing the right things so that He wouldn't be mad at us. But we forgot that God's love is unconditional, or maybe we never really took the time to understand that cause we were too busy doing other things for Him. We forgot that His love is not affected by what we do or don't do, so we feel like He's greatly disappointed in us if we missed our 20 min quiet time. We forgot that He accepts us for who we are, that while we were sinners, Christ died for us. We forgot that it is His Spirit's work to transform us, to make us more like Jesus--not ours. We tried to sanctify ourselves by doing what Christians are supposed to do and in doing so, we become ok with ourselves, patting ourselves on the back for doing such a good job.

We all are different--we all have different struggles, different personalities, different sin patterns, different heart-wrenching issues and the list goes on. It must be God's work, to transform us. And in order for God to transform us, we must realize that we need to be transformed and in order to do that, we must know ourselves--in a brutally honest way. We must try our hardest not to try to cover up our deepest, darkest secrets with good deeds and the right theology. We must be real, offering who we are to God, so that in knowing who we are, we may know Him all the more.

broken.

I broke my phone this past weekend. Correction: my phone broke itself last Saturday afternoon. As I opened it to check a text message, the top half of my flip phone (i.e. the screen) completely disconnected from the bottom half. I was very much annoyed. Maybe even angry. I might have thrown my hands up in the air in a very "why-God-do-these-things-happen-to-me" kind of way. I might've also thrown a silent, yet efficient, tantrum. God knows that I would not be able to afford to buy a new phone at this point. God also knows that this phone held some sentimental value to me. And it was purple. A deep shade of purple. It was pretty. And now it was broken! I loved it since the first time I had laid eyes on it, a year ago, when I bought it purely because I couldn't bear to look at the scratches on my old phone any longer. It was the cheapest that AT&T had at the time, costing a mere $10 (after sending in the proof of purchase for a $50 rebate). And it was all mine. I did not need anything fancy--mostly because funds would not allow it. I was perfectly content with my purple phone. It was all I wanted. Didn't want anything more. Surely AT&T will replace it.

I went over to a local AT&T on Sunday to find out if I still had some sort of insurance or warranty on the phone. It was a huge sigh of relief to find out that I did. The guy at the store called the insurance company that works with AT&T and sure enough, the guy on the other end of the line told me that I qualified for another phone, free of charge! However, I was informed that AT&T no longer carried the phone that I currently had, so they were going to send me something "comparable." I find out that this "comparable" phone, is MUCH fancier than my little old flip phone and it's costs about $140 more. It's one of those phones that has a touch screen and it slides open to reveal a QWERTY keyboard to make me a more efficient "texter." And it's electric blue!

Maybe I overthink things, but couldn't help thinking, as I walked away from AT&T that day with a smile on my face, that this whole incident--though mundane and seemingly insignificant--was a way for the LORD to teach me an important lesson, or at least reveal to me what He is teaching me now: the value and importance of brokenness. It is strangely reassuring that what I think is best for myself...really isn't. I can convince myself time and time again that whatever it is that I am fixated on at the time, is what's "right." And when God, who has my best interest at heart, finally intervenes, it's never an easy process to trust Him enough to let go. The pain can be heartwrenching enough to be confusing. Oh, but when God shows me what He does want for me, it's like...a billion times better than what I thought I wanted! That's when I realize that the pain, the brokenness...was worth it and necessary to be reminded once again of God's goodness and how much He does care for His children.

With all that to say, I am genuinely excited about how God is going to work in my life. In brokenness, there is abundant hope in who the LORD is. He has amazing things planned for me. For all of us, who hope in Him.

You think you know...

I just had quite the revelation: I have often assumed that I know what I want. In hindsight, I noticed that this was (and is) a fairly repetitive pattern in my life. I often go after the things I am so sure that I want with all the self-sufficiency and false sense of independence I could muster. Then for some time, the LORD allows me to do this. And I somehow convince myself that I am in the LORD's will and for a short-period of time, I "feel" like things are going right. However, after a certain amount of time, I start feeling exhausted, wary and disturbed. I become angry and ask God--"What? How is this happening? This is what you wanted!" And I fight. I fight to hold on to something that I worked so hard to attain for myself. My grip tightens, I clench my teeth and I try to convince God that this is what He wanted for me. And in God's grace, He causes me to "lose my grip," and He gently--but firmly--reminds me, that if it were something that He wanted for me, I wouldn't have to work so hard to keep it.

Hm.

I can say these things now because God is showing me how different it is when He gives me something that He does want for me. First of all, I did not have to do anything to attain it. And yes, I do have to trust God, but see, it's not really "work" but really more like God asking me to abide in Him and to enjoy what He has given me. Secondly, I don't have a false sense of reality--meaning I'm not working hard to try to convince myself that this is something different from what it appears to be. It simply is good. And it is clearly from the LORD--inspite of my small faith that inhibits me from trusting the LORD completely at times.

It's hard to surrender control, when I've tried to control the inflow of "good" things in my life for so long. How could I assume that I know what's best for me, when God knows me better than I know myself? And I know that this is one lesson that I am going to continue on learning...for maybe, you know, the rest of my life. And for some reason, it certainly is not easy to simply receive something good--why is that? A huge part of me says: "I don't deserve anything good!" But then I am reminded of what grace is...it's not something earned or deserved, but a gift from a loving, sovereign God...that even receiving (and accepting!) such a wonderful grace--from things like good relationships to awesome events like Christ's sacrifice on the Cross--glorifies God. Since there really is nothing we can do to earn the grace that God gives us, then wouldn't it make sense for us to simply--thankfully and humbly--take it for what it is? I mean, it's not like there's anything we can do to change it. Grace is what it is.

"Oh yeah..."

It's been quite a bit of time since my last blogpost...thought I'd write a little something something--for those of you who care. (That may sound as biting sarcasm but it wasn't meant to be taken that way...maybe my voice inflection issues affect my blogging as well...haha.)

Well, I've been in Wisconsin for about three, almost four weeks now and it has been amazing. Please see the following bulletpoints for highlights, etc:

-Long Lake: as soon as I arrived at HoneyRock, I made a beeline for the waterfront. It's my favorite place ever. I love to just stare at the water. I actually got in the lake for the first time on Monday (after thinking about it for nearly three weeks). A couple of girls and I kayaked for about a couple hours and on the last leg of our trip, I (unintentionally) face planted into the water in my attempt to gracefully step out of the kayak :-). Good times.

- People: The community at HoneyRock is amazing. Everyone is friendly and encouraging. I absolutely love meal times because it's done family style.

- The Health Center: When I first saw our beloved Health Center, I was honestly apalled--not because of its facilities, but because of the bugs. But after doing some major extermination of all things creepy and crawly, I am proud to call the Health Center: "my happy place." Especially cause when we have downtime, the other nurses and I make fudge and sweet tea at our tiny little kitchen.

-the Northwoods: I do not miss the smog of L.A. I do not miss the I-5, nor the irate drivers, or sirens and public transportation. I am enamored by the nature that is all around me and I try to simply bask in it as much as possible.

-asian food: this is not a highlight, but a woe. I miss rice. I miss cooking. I miss soy sauce. I think the closest chinese food place is about 30 minutes away...and sushi...about 4 hours.

well, that's all the time that I have for now. Today is parent's/family day at camp and I'm really excited for all the fun things planned. Being the camp nursing assistant, thus far, has been a lot of fun-- and a lot of work--but I am honestly enjoying what I'm doing here. God is good! I can't believe that I get to live here and work/serve HoneyRock for another two months. And even if things gets harder, as the summer progresses, God is still and will always be SO AWESOMELY good :-).

Day of Destin..ation.

In approximately SIX hours I leave from the Fresno Air Terminal (FAT!) and will arrive in Rhinelander, Wisconsin tomorrow morning at 11:00am. Yup, an overnight flight. This will be interesting, since I'm not much a night owl.

I'm excited and nervous. As much as I love the thrill of being at a new place and meeting new people, I'm still a little bit anxious about what the summer has in store for me. But I'm praying fervently for my focus to be in the right place. That I would seek the LORD and seek to serve people, selflessly. I'm sure that things will turn out just fine. I just need to relax.

Well, I suppose that's all there is to say! I'm all packed--well, sort of, I'm kind of a few pounds over the limit... I need to figure out what I really, really don't need. Even if it kills me. And it probably will. Sigh. Why was I not given the ability to pack lightly? WHY??? Hah. This trip is already challenging me in that it is forcing me to leave more than half of my wardrobe behind and try to live 2 and 1/2 months as simply as I possibly can. And I do admire simplicity. It's just really hard for me. I can't assume that I can plan and pack for any possible situation, a wonderful trait that I inherited from my mother. But I'd like to think that I can pre-emptively pack, anyway. I'm ridiculous.

T minus...5 hours!

Hooo-ah.

After doing some research, I found out that the weather in Three Lakes, Wisconsin is going to be amazing, with a record low of 46 and a record high of 71--in the SUMMER. wee! Things are really looking up. Well, sort of. Now that it's not going to be the "typical" summer, I have to re-plan what I'm going to pack. Oy.

On another note, my mother--whom I love dearly--decided to become furious at me for not making breakfast this morning. This is confusing to me because I have not made breakfast...at all...this week. I usually forage for food when I get up in the morning. I've been eating Fiber one bars or toasted hawaiian rolls, with maybe some scrambled egg--not the typical morning breakfast food. But eh, whatever.

See, my mom works in the evenings and when she gets off in the morning, she and my dad usually go get breakfast together. And mind you, they don't ever bring breakfast back for me or my brothers. But I don't take it personally. And I've gotten used to this routine.

My mother did not work last night and when I greeted her this morning, she asked me why I didn't make breakfast this morning, like a normal, caring daughter would have. She also a lot of other things, that I feel was her hunger talking.

I'm seriously confused. Please slap me if I ever do this to my children.

Sigh. T-minus three days and I'm outta here.

I hate this weather.

Fresno, California. Lovely in the Autumn, Spring and Winter--absolutely horrid in the Summer. It has this Jekyll-Hyde complex that is not redeemable in any sort of way. This week that I've been home, the heat has gotten progressively worse: it's muggy, it's 100 degrees outside and it cools down to about 85 at night. If I sound grumpy and miserable, its cause I am. I also have a raging headache. It started last night--about the same time as the thunder and lightning storm that made quite a ruckus outside my window.

Sigh. I have not been the most pleasant person around my home. I am constantly irked at something. At first, I could not figure out why I was so annoyed. Granted, I can't blame all my fun-suckiness on the weather-- my heart is inherently sinful and ugly. I guess, the heat has helped in the burning down of whatever helped keep my mood and anger in check. Oh how I need grace. So much grace.

Furthermore, my mood has been worsened by the rules and regulations of baggage checking Sure, it makes sense--the airlines want to save money on fuel by limiting how much a passenger can bring. Their money saving tactics, however, challenge my inability to pack lightly and the fact that I'm trying to save money, too. And yes, I'm whining. But I am thoroughly frustrated. I have to pay $15 to check just one bag and an additional $25 if I need to check another one. That's a total of $40. Not only that, but I can't bring luggage that is bigger than 62 linear inches (meaning the length, width and height must add up to less than or equal to 62 inches) and it cannot weigh more than 40 lbs. Ok, so if we do the math... 2 and 1/2 months divided into 62 linear inches, divided into 40 lbs = biggest headache of my life.

I suppose the easiest solution would be to give up and not go. At the same time, I cannot live my summer in this kind of weather. It is seriously cramping with my style. I suppose I could just suck it up, but really that takes a whole lot of energy. And without a job here in Fresno, I would go crazy. Not to mention that it has become all the more clearer how different my parents and I really are. Tension. Tension headache. Oy.

On a side note: T-minus 4 days till I leave for Three Lakes, Wisconsin! I am kind of excited, kind of nervous and kind of just ready to go, go, go! I feel like I'm just floating in limbo right now, sort of just waiting to arrive to where I'm supposed to be. Hopefully, the rest of my packing will go smoothly, if anything, I can just wear the same three outfits for the whole summer. It's camp. Who cares about being stylish. I am seriously about to give up on that and wear V-necks and shorts everyday.

Another side note (this has nothing to do with all the whining above): Yesterday, I told God that if it were His will to use my life in order to bring Him more glory, that He should. I prayed that if it were better for me to die, if that would bring more people to Jesus, then that's what I would want. I realize that I am "expendible,"--and many of who will probably disagree-- and if God is going to use me, then He should use all of me, as fuel for His kingdom. I know that's really weird. I'm weirded out. And honestly, I'm not saying this to make much of myself, cause that is stupid and pointless. What is more stupid and pointless than saying something you don't mean? No, I'm saying this to challenge you, individual, whoever you may be: would you be willing to DIE for the sake of the Cross? Are you willing to say that your life is "expendible" so that all the glory would go to God? Are you willing to give up your hopes of getting married and raising a family, finding that right job, or living a comfortable, successful life, for the sake of Jesus?

It's scary, isn't it?

the Procrastinator

I love the Biola library. Well, right now, I love it. I avoided this place for most of the year. But...now, I live here. I go back to my apartment for showering and sleeping purposes. If the Biola library had showers, I probably would never leave. But then again, do I really ever have to leave? I mean, as far as sleeping goes, they have those new comfy leather couches on the upper level by the balcony and dilapidated sleeping bags (that have the shape and consistency of a raisin) scattered everywhere. And maybe I wouldn't need to shower, since the library now comes equipped with sanitizer stations placed by bookshelves and doorways--they're small little globes that dispense a palm full of sanitizer when you place your hand underneath them. It's like magic.

I'm sitting in a little cubby by a window. Windows are amazing catalysts for non-productivity--especially when it's such a beautiful day outside. The outside world holds endless possibilties for fun and frivolity. Linell wants to frolick, but can't. It's so sad.

But the cubby does kind of help. They kind of work like blinders for ADD people like yours truly. Except, I feel like placing cubbies by windows is kind of like taking a laxative right after taking kaopectate. I just feel conflicted inside.

I definitely have my work cut out for me in these final days of the semester: I've got quite a bit of reading to do for Apologetics, not to mention my final paper. Oh yes, and studying for the final--which is cumulative. And let's not forget all the little assignments that I need to turn in for nursing that I waited till now to actually work on. And yes, the final for Nursing Theory 202 is also cumulative.

With each semester that begins, I always vow to never do what I did the semester before--which is, procrastinate, or allow work to pile up so that I'm spending the last week of the semester in the library or Starbucks or wherever else that is conducive to studying. Needless to say, nothing has really changed. Hah. Or maybe, I do like it this way.

Ok, now I will attempt to be productive again.

In "da" club, but not of it...

Writing a blogpost about going to a club on Saturday night probably takes away from the "coolness" factor of the experience and exposing me for the "square" I really am--oh well.

If you knew me two years ago, or even a year ago and had mentioned the idea of going to a club on any night of the week, you would've been met by a response that would entail me giving you a lecture on why that's sinful.

Needless to say, I've mellowed out quite a bit.

Anyway, I went to Santa Barbara (woot) this past weekend and my friends and I decided to go to a club on Saturday night. It wasn't just on a whim-- it was part of a series of events known as the "Daniel Craig birthday celebration." And no, it wasn't like a James Bond convention/conference. No, nothing quite so creepy or fanatical. I'm talking about another Dan Craig, who happens to be turning 26 on Wednesday.

Before we went to the club, my friends and I stopped by a bar where they featured swing dancing music on Thurs-Saturday nights. Elise, my beloved ex-roommate, is the best swing dancer I know. I was excited to watch her dance because it really is THAT amazing. But what was even more exciting was that I actually got to use my I.D to gain access to something under-aged people couldn't. I know, I'm easily amused. I wonder what was going through the bouncer's head when I eagerly handed him my I.D, with a huge goofy smile plastered on my face. Come to think of it, I may have also told the guy who checked my I.D at Tonic about how excited I was to be there.

What I observed in the club and at the bar was pretty similar. For some reason, I had always pictured clubs and bars (and I'm sure that this assumption is not completely off-based) to be the breeding ground of all things blatantly sinful. Granted, it wasn't the picture of heaven either. When it comes down to it, it was a place for people to meet people. I mean, God did make us to live in community with one another and Christian or not, people will seek people out. It was very interesting to watch the friendliness and camaraderie at these places that will rival any Christian churches out there. People are generally very friendly, in a non-creepy way. They strike up conversations with strangers and offer to buy people drinks. A guy that was with us, offered to buy us a couple round of drinks--I politely declined, of course, due to my disdain for beer because it smells and tastes like crap--but still, I thought, how often do Christian guys offer to buy a "round" of sodas when we're at In-and-Out?

I was surprised that none of those things that I thought would happen to me, happened when I went to these places. I mean, fire and brimstone didn't start falling from the sky, nor was I struck by lightning--which I thought might happen as soon as I set foot inside a bar. And, I actually had fun. Sober-because-Christ-lives-in-me-and-I-want-to-be-a-witness-for-him, kind of fun. I enjoyed talking to people. I loved dancing with my friends. I also enjoyed the part where even though I was in their world, I wasn't part of it. I was merely visiting. And because I was just visiting, clubbing and bar-hopping, isn't something I'm going to make a habit out of. But, at least, now I'm not so afraid of it.

After this weekend, and after spending time with people who aren't part of the church-scene that I have been so accustomed to, I remembered how Jesus Christ came to us, because we could not and would not go to Him. I think that it is a great analogy to what Christians must do to reach people who don't know/don't care about Jesus. And this, among other things, is a sensitive subject within the Christian realm. But I would like to offer up my point of view, fully aware that there is potential for me to be wrong, but I will gladly take the risk in order to think outside the box and maybe to challenge others along the way: I know that as Christians, we are called to be holy and set apart. But we are also called to be great commissioners and be witnesses to the people that are in the world and trapped in their sin, like we, who now know Christ, once were. How can we be witnesses if we stay away from people that need to see Jesus? Is it possible to be holy and set apart, while being in these dark and forsaken places, for the sake of Christ and to the glory of God?

I think it is. We applaud missionaries for their courage in traversing over large bodies of water to live amongst cannibals, head-hunters, and witch doctors to preach the Gospel and live as examples of Jesus Christ. In my opinion, we don't have to go quite so far to minister to those living in the heart of darkness--though it will still require the same amount of courage, same amount of compassion and same amount of obedience, if not more.

Weird things Happen: a poem

Today, I stood in line patiently,
waiting for my turn to pay,
when all of a sudden, a boy walked up to me
then quickly walked away.

I do not know him at all,
as a friend would know a friend,
I do not even know his name,
or if I would ever see him again.

But I was wrong, you see
the boy came back a second time,
it seemed as though, he wanted to speak--
maybe share a limerick or a rhyme.

Imagine my amusement (or confusion)
when he did not say a thing,
he quickly walked away again,
just as I heard the cash register "ding!"

So, off I went to the library,
to study for Apologetics,
all the while, I could not decide
if what transpired was funny or pathetic.

As I was heading to the basement,
inside the stairwell, I got a call,
so I stopped to talk to Bethany,
as I leaned against the wall.

Suddenly, the stairwell doors flew open,
and to my big surprise--
it was he! the boy, who did not speak!
followed by some ...other guys.

Ironically, Bethany had to go
and I quietly hung up the phone,
standing/feeling very awkward
--feeling strangely alone

I waited for the boys to walk by
i followed, three steps behind,
wondering if I was imagining this,
or if I was losing my mind.

Then at the foot of the stairs,
the boy stopped and opened the door,
Immediately, I felt pressured;
as if the steps were miles away from the floor

But the boy stood patiently by the door,
he held it open as he waited for me,
I could not imagine a more awkward moment,
This one is probably in the top three.

When I finally reached the bottom,
I thanked him for his noble act of chivalry,
then I quickly walked away from his sight,
wondering, "why do these things happen to me?"

End.

A New Direction...

I sat in my living room yesterday, reflecting and contemplating on the changes that have happened in my life in the past two years and even more amazed at how different things are just in the last six months. Or even in the last week. And that's when I imagined myself dressed as a weary traveler, walking down a winding dirt path towards the warm sun in the not-too-distant horizon. I am a Sojourner. And never before has life seemed like a rite of passage to something much more worthwhile--with each step I take, more intentional and more resolute than the one before.

So what does this mean? Well, for starters, it meant a new banner on my blog. You like? I did it on Microsoft word last night. I'm quite proud of it, considering I don't have anything fancy like Photoshop. I had to work with what I had.

So, yes. Life IS a journey-- probably one of the more frequently used cliches of all time. But, guess what? It really is. For some people, their journey means success, raising a family, making a name for themselves, making an impact on other people's lives, being happy, being satisfied.

This journey that I'm on has recently been teaching me that I need to be completely stripped of whatever identity I had established for myself in order to take on Christ's. While it doesn't mean self-denial, it does also mean accepting who I am, as an imperfect and sinful human being--and all that entails, and I shudder at the thought. However, accepting who I really am, does not mean I am content in remaining this way. I am learning to rely fully on grace, though I still fail sometimes--which [surprise, surprise] is why I NEED grace. And I find it ironic that in asking God to show me what it means to rely on His mercy, means that I must be completely and utterly dependent on it. That without it, I would fall apart. And amidst all this, God is rearranging some of my vernacular. The word "good," as in "God will work all things for good for those who love him," means something entirely different in my mind. While, things don't always feel good, I love my new found dependence on God, however it has cost me a lot. Normally, that would not be considered "good." Pain is not "good." Loss and change are heart-wrenching and un-pleasant. Be that as it may, my love for God has grown and He has carried me through hardships so that I am able to say, in all sincerity, that it is good. It is not merely a Sunday school answer. I am no longer disconnected to the truth of God's goodness. It is reality. It is more than just knowledge. It is a truth that moves me and touches me to the core.

I say these things not to boast. It is God alone who is capable of changing me and I can only be willing to change. I love that I can look at life with a more profound sort of peace; a peace that is kind of indescribable.

I think that it is fitting, that life is more like a journey than anything else because of my love for adventure and my natural curiousity. I am looking forward to what else is in store for me. Though, I am kind of hesitant. But I know the only way to go is toward the Son.

Hearts, Nickels and Wishing Wells.

a heart's desire is nothing more,
than what a human being is made for,
though sometimes a person cannot tell,
if their desire is as shallow as the well,

...they cast their wishes and nickels upon.

I'm sure I will turn that into a song someday--as soon as I figure out the rest of it.

But since we're on the subject:

Today, as I was plunking along on the piano, I reflected thoughtfully on how my desires have changed over the years. Desires, I've come to realize, are much different from simply wanting. A desire is often laced with passion and determination, whereas wanting something stems from an impulsive sort of whim, that is usually accompanied by begging or pitiful pleading. At least, for me, those definitions are true. A lot of things that I've "wanted" have come and gone, but praise God, that through the painful, yet necessary process of weeding out wants from my desires, my desires have become clearer in my mind.

"Death" week turns into one of the best weeks. EVER.

Good things:

finished my NPA. yes.
my apologetics class being cancelled.
the joy of Friendship bread.
coffee and hazelnut creamer.
helping Jennie pick out her graduation dress.
seeing Carissa Abrego.
being friends with Marla Bustad.
being friends with Cristi, Julianne, Christianne, Megan and Krysten.
phone call from Tamara.
encouraging classmates from nursing school. They are all pretty great.
Kendra being Kendra.
Four day weekend: Elise and Katelyn, here I come.
Got the nursing assistant job in Honey Rock. WISCONSIN! yes.
The realization of how much God cares about the day-to-day and how He has encouraged me this week. Praise Him always.
The role that humor plays as my coping mechanism.
Being able to surrender any sort of control or temptation to be anxious because of the assurance of God's absolute and sovereign control of the universe. In other words, I'm glad that God's in charge.
Easter break in 10 days.

A sickly, dying bird just pooped on my car. Don't ask me how I know. I just do.

...and more public self-disclosure to pass the time between now and napping, while all the while procrastinating. Well, there's nothing really on the agenda tonight except trying not to get any sick-er.

THREE NAMES I GO BY
1. Silbs
2. Linell
3. Smelly

THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE
1. Certified Nursing assistant
2. Resident Assistant
3. Barista

THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. Santa Cruz, Laguna, Philippines
2. McAllen, Texas
3. Fresno, CA


THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
1. The Office
2. Lost
3. Arrested Development

THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN
1. Mexico
2. Canada
3. Hawaii

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. Wisconsin!-- specifically Honey Rock.
2. anywhere in Europe, please.
3. Middle Earth (yeah, i'm cool).

THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
1. Rice
2. Sashimi
3. Rice+Sashimi+cucumber+seaweed=Sushi (mm)
[3.1 Fried Chicken.]


THREE THINGS I WOULD NEVER DO
1. be a popstar
2. bunjee jump
3. become anorexic/bulimic because a) I love food and b) I hate throwing up.

THREE THINGS I THINK ARE FUNNY
1. children and the way they try to figure out life in their limited contexts.
2. most of my close friends are hilarious.
3. Brian Regan

THREE THINGS I REGRET
1. being hormonal at the most inconvenient times
2. my mom not enrolling me in dance classes when I was little
3. not camping more often. I need to go.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. Spiders and Praying Mantises
2. marrying someone who is not passionate about God, who becomes "content" with the complacency of mediocrity.
3. marriage

THREE UNBELIEVABLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME
1. Jesus--that He would love me and save me.
2. Biola.
3. "House of God Forever" by Jon Foreman

THREE THINGS THAT ALWAYS MAKE ME CRY
1. God's glory in missions, specifically when unreached people groups hear about Christ
2. A mother losing her child, for whatever reason.
3. the horrific things that the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army) are doing in Africa.

THREE THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO
1. finishing school! WAAA!
2. children!
3. Where God is going to use me.

THREE PETS THAT YOU HAVE OWNED
1. An ant named Anty
2. A dog named Twilight (short for Twilight Zone)--I was a weird kid.
3. Pedro the fish. well, he was our floor pet, back when BASE (Horton 2nd North) was the safe place!


THREE FAVORITE MOVIES
1. Once
2. The Incredibles
3. Sister Act 2

THREE FAVORITE BOOKS
1. Harry Potter (all of them)
2. Psalms
3. The Problem of Pain by C.S Lewis

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS
1. Arnold Palmer (black tea lemonade)
2. Caramel Macchiatto
3. Manhattan Irish Cream, blended

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. get hitched
2. raise chillin' as unto the Lawd (be a mom for God's glory)
3. see the world and meet the people.

THREE THINGS I AM DOING TODAY
1. Sleeping
2. Napping
3. Mock Rock Dress Rehearsal

Thoughts about things and stuff...

the following blog entry is dedicated to: the pharmacology test looming over my head that I haven't studied for, the lack of sleep I have to look forward to in loo (haha lieu?) of Mock Rock being this Friday and I have practice every night (930-1230) till then & the ominous Nursing Process Analysis paper due on April 1st (april fools?) that is going to be, at least, 30 pages long (I am on page 2...).

A list of things I would rather be doing, or am doing, instead of studying:
1.) Blog about not studying for my Pharmacology test (ta-da!)
2.) Come up with a list of sentences in alliteration just because I like doing it: "Always aspire to accomplish and acknowledge actions, or activities....yadda yadda"
3.) Acknowledging the fact that only an extravert would openly blog about this.
4.) Reminiscing about those good old days when my world revolved around the following: eating, sleeping, pooping.
5.) I was referring to my childhood, just in case you were wondering.
6.) Yes, I just said pooping. I'm sure my future husband will understand and will love me anyway, since really that's what it's all about, right?
7.) I wish my friendship bread would hurry up and ferment so I can bake it right now and eat in about 45min-1 hour depending on my oven or the altitude.
8.) I wonder...
9.) Thinking that maybe John Calvin himself wasn't a Five-point Calvinist.
10.) I marvel at the fact that some people will sit around and debate the Calvinism & Arminianism issue till their blue in the face, but fail to see the importance of applying whatever it is that they so passionately believe into real life situations: i. e. reaching out to the broken, the poor, loving people the way Christ would want his followers to, showing mercy and grace to others, etc.
11.) Woa, I just got deep there. Tends to happen.
12.) What is the point of this list, anyway?
13.) oh yes, Procrastination.
14.) Krichelle, if you're reading this, you shouldn't be.
15.) I wonder how the sound "gack" has become a semi-permanent part of my vernacular.
16.) Thinking that it's really neat that she has a multitude of friends, Ukrainians and non-Ukrainians alike :-)...
17.) I think I'm going to watch the first episode of the third season of Lost now.

Freedom.

they're free.
they've always been "free."
free to live,
free to see,
free to taste,
free to hate,
free to love,
free to discriminate,
free to judge,
free to be indifferent
free to be narcissistic,
free to be negligent,
free to take charge of destiny,
free to sit and watch the stars for signs,
free to be intelligent,
free to be ignorant,
free to be wise,
free to be indecisive,
free to do harm,
free to nurture,
free to kill,
free to save,
free to be free...

free to be enslaved in their freedoms.

they're free.
they've always been free.

A Pseudo-scholarly response.

I am no scholar. And this is not false humility.

My mental capacities cannot even compare to the likes of Edwards, Piper, McArthur, Sturgeon, Pink, Thoennes, Moreland, etc. They were blessed with mental faculties far beyond my own and they are capable of thinking and extrapolating truth and practical insights from a knowledge base established by years of reading and diligent research.

I find it slightly amusing that my poor little brain likes to be scholarly at times--even though it does not possess the "proper equipment," such as the ability to think/compare abstract ideas or retain heady information from scholarly books and articles. In fact, when my brain tries to engage in scholarly thinking, the rest of my body shuts down in order to supply the necessary amount of "power" my brain needs to think this way.

And right now, my brain is driving itself crazy thinking about "bibleolatry," or "bible idolatry." This is a term that proposes that in most, if not all, conservative evangelical circles, there is an "over-commitment" to the Bible--leaving no room for extra-biblical revelation which hinders the application of practical theology to life, philosopy, natural science, moral law, etc.

My initial reaction to this idea was my jaw-dropping and my eyeballs nearly popping out of their respective sockets: "WHAT??? How can a Christian be over committed to GOD's Word??"

What was even more shocking was that J.P Moreland, a scholar that I greatly admire, even wrote a paper about how this very idea titled, How Evangelicals Became Over-committed to the Bible and What Can Be Done About It.

Now, a scholar--not me--would've done all the research first and read all the necessary books/journals/papers before writing a response. Frankly, I don't have the time to delve deeper into this because I have an apologetics test and nursing pharmacology exam looming over my head like a dark, ominous cloud. I suppose reading the first page of Moreland's paper (and skimming the rest. Hee.), reading various blog responses/critiques and Moreland's own explanation of his paper and view points would have to suffice for now.

I also have ADHD. Maybe.

Anyway, what Moreland does NOT say about this concept of "bibleolatry," is that we stop thinking of scripture as the final authority in the lives of Christians. He does NOT say that we cannot receive revelation from God from His Word. And, finally, he does NOT say that we should stop reading our Bibles.

But Moreland does challenge evangelicals, especially those that are further down the conservative end of the Christianity spectrum, to "think outside the box." He states--and this is loosely paraphrased--that conservatives are not open to the possibility of extra-biblical knowledge, like natural or experiential revelation and other sources that might explain things that are not explicitly discussed within the pages of scripture--like the presence and activity of demons, or crossing cultural bridges and how the Gospel is to be delivered to a culture and worldview outside of the western mindset, or how to contextualize the good news to people groups who have no point of reference for biblical history, Jesus or even know what a "bible" is! (Now, that was my own insight, not Moreland's).

I suppose I can say that I respect where J.P Moreland is coming from. He is merely offering another perspective. He has been studying this for a while and he's done his research, like a good scholar. At this point, I cannot make a committed decision about whether I believe he is right or wrong without being emotional about it.

Yes, emotional.

I observed that my natural tendency would be to throw a fit and call Moreland a heretic, or worse. Why? I'd like to say that my reaction would be coming from "righteous anger," because obviously, I know all the right answers. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. No need to keep on searching for the Truth, because Linell has figured it all out.

NOT.

No, my initial reaction came from the fact that Moreland's ideas were directly interfering with my need to be able to dichotomize my world, or see it in black and white. Once again, he was affriming the fact that the world cannot be so simple. His ideas were challenging MY worldview and beliefs, and more importantly, making ME uncomfortable. In other words: I was taking it way too personally.

And how often do we, as evangelicals, react so strongly (and often times too wrongly) just because our own personal, subjective beliefs about what is true is being challenged?

I know that in times like this, when my brain is being thrown for a loop and I must wrestle with new ideas, I can rest in the fact that TRUTH is objective. That God, who is high in heaven, is our Great Overseer, that He is Sovereign and does not need me to defend Him. He is perfect and in absolute control--despite my personal chaos. And while He does command Christians to speak the Truth in boldness, I am reminded that His greatest commands are to love Him and to love His people. And sometimes, the greatest way to love a person is to shut up and listen. Will it really hurt to listen to new ideas?

And God, will reveal all things in due time, in HIS perfect timing. I can pray and ask Him for wisdom, which He will gladly give, without reproach (James 1:5).

for more info about Moreland's article, you can access and download the PDF file: here.

to read Moreland's response, go here.

Humility

If you were to ask me to describe my week, thus far, in one word, I would say: Humbling. with a capital "H."

Humbling situation #1: I was convicted of a few things that required me to put to death any sort of entitlement or rights that I had about certain situations. Following through with what I needed to do was like a violent and radical extraction of my pride. I likened it to be like a root canal, without the novocaine. Pride hurts my soul and my relationships. It needs to come out, because it's poison.

Humbling situation #2: a couple of days ago, as I was backing out of the carport of my apartment, my right rear view mirror snagged on the pole that supports the carport and the whole thing broke off. It was hanging helplessly down the side of my car, as I drove around trying to find super glue to put it back together. When the super glue didn't work, I used electrical tape that I found in my roommate's toolbox. The situation made me laugh because earlier that day I was saying to myself, "Wow, you've done such a good job of taking care of your car over these years. Nothing has happened to it since you've moved to LA."

I spoke too soon.

Humbling situation #3: I don't need to go into too much detail, because it would make this post very long. The gist of it is this: Today in clinicals, I was functioning way too independently from the nurse I was shadowing--granted she did seem to trust me way too much-- which led to me making a medication error. The med error itself wasn't serious, as I found out after asking the pharmacist and my nurse. However, the med error plus the charting error PLUS the communication issue lead to my nurse making this comment: "What is going on with you? Are you possessed or something? Is Friday the 13th really getting to you?"

Apparently.

I know people make mistakes, we're imperfect beings after all. But to make so many in a row in such a short time, has to be some sort of a record. Though I do recognize that a lot of my mistakes stemmed from me being a little too overconfident. Gah. See? See, what happens when you're too prideful?

Take it from me, get rid of it. Get rid of it now before you break your car or accidentally kill someone.

Caffeinated Optimist.

I find that after drinking coffee, I see life in a much different light. It's as if a pair of rose-tinted sunglasses suddenly appear before my eyes and I respond with delight, with many an "oohs" and "aahs." Caffeine magnifies my hopes and dreams and projects them onto a larger than life faux brick wall of unprecedented expectations. All of a sudden, I can do anything and everything and life is not as bad as it seems--which it really isn't, but life has had it's moments.

(I say faux brick wall because, though seemingly unmoveable, it is easily destroyed by the dreaded caffeine crash...which will happen in about 3ish hours).

But right now I'm happy. Really happy.

But should I be so giddy? And without a care in the world? Haha no. Here's a list of reasons why:
1.) I am terribly behind in my nursing reading. And by behind I mean, I haven't read anything. At all.
2.) I have a vocabulary quiz today on nursing terminology from the reading that I have yet to do (but class isn't till 1:30, so I've got plenty of time, right?)
3.) secret.
4.) I find that I have over-commited myself this semester. I was so busy trying to be busy that I have actually succeeded in becoming a really busy person. Busier than I have ever been, or will be, in my whole life. Unfortunately, I'm not built to be a "busy" person. I'm a person who likes to not do anything when she has down time. And now my down time is at its minimum. I have yet to reach panic mode, all I keep saying in my head is: "Challenge? ACCEPTED!!!" Hopefully, my optimism will not kill me.
5.) Somehow my $500 PDA has taken a permanent hiatus. Perhaps I was working poor little Pamela too hard. Or maybe she felt neglected when I left her in my apartment for three weeks, all by herself. Well, whatever it was, she's gone now, which is unfortunate because a PDA is one of those things that I really, really need for nursing.

yeah. that's about it. I'm taking a cue from Bob Marley and singing "....every little things gonna be alright..."

Ya' Mon.

A Beautiful Stranger

The bell chimed politely, announcing the arrival of yet, another customer.

I turned to smile, expecting to see the friendly faces of The Golden Girls, an endearing name I've given to a group of three women, 60 years or older, who regularly meet Sunday evenings--a tradition they started 20 some years ago to get away from their husbands during Monday Night Football. Now they just meet Sunday night, since the men don't watch football as much anymore.

However, instead of seeing Izzie, Marcy and Dale, I was surprised to see a man I've never seen before.

He looked like he had not showered in weeks. His matty and knotted hair was gray. His wrinkled forehead and checkered grin showed conclusive evidence of a man who has weathered, endured and seen a much harsher side of life. As he walked towards the register, the general atmosphere of the small coffee shop immediately became tense and uncomfortable. The man was softly muttering unintelligible things to himself, occassionaly looking to his left, at something, only he could see. I noticed many of the other customers ignored him, or pretended like he wasn't there. I was starting to become anxious. I was not quite sure what to expect from a man, who was showing signs of schizophrenia.

The man walked up the counter and put $2 down without saying a word to me.

"What can I get for you tonight, sir?"

He was still muttering to himself, muttering things that made no sense. He looked to his left, still muttering softly but started gesturing, waving his hand up and down, as if he was trying to "shoo" someone away. He looked at me listlessy, and then as if trying to get a crick out of his neck, he tilted his head slightly and clenched his jaw. He took a deep breath in and looked at me again. It was then that I saw his kind, gray eyes fill with tears. He gave me a look of helplessness and frustration as he tried to communicate with me.

"I just-- I just-- I JUST---want..."

Before he could finish his sentence, he began to mutter uncontrollably once again. He put his hands to his head and began to shake it violently. He stopped after a few seconds and sighed. His eyes looked at me apologetically, and then looked away. He began to mutter again, sounding more angry by the moment.

Something happened to my heart, right there and then. A rush of compassion warmed my entire body, I felt blood rush to my head and as if a lamp was lit inside my mind, my eyes were opened to see this broken man was a human being made in God's image--a beautiful stranger. I wasn't afraid of him anymore.

"Sir," I asked gently, suddenly finding myself trying to fight back tears, "do you want... a cup of coffee?" I wanted to help him. I wanted to do everything I possibly could to help him. It was, however, too lofty a goal to attain at that point in time. Because I was at work, I could only help him with his coffee.

The man, still looking away, nodded. His mutterings died down to a steady lull. Though every now and again, he would bite his lip, as if he was trying to suppress something that he did not have control over. He slowly and gingerly pushed the $2 towards me.

Usually, coffee is self serve at the coffee place I work at--meaning, in a very obvious way, that the customers get their coffee themselves from the airpots placed on the counter.

I handed the man his change and a coffee cup. He nodded a "thank you," and walked over to the coffee pots. He stood there for awhile, looking carefully at each option, obviously confused about what to choose. Fortunately, there were no other customers waiting to be helped, so I walked over and tried to help him: "The House Blend is the more popular choice by most customers here and it's milder than the Tanzanian Peaberry...though the peaberry has kind of a weird, fruity taste...and I wonder sometimes why something fruity would have much more caffeine than a--" He looked at me and snorted a laugh, indicating that I was sharing information that he did not really care about. I smiled, "I mean, the vanilla nut is good." The man nodded furiously in agreement and began filling his cup--still muttering to himself.

I helped him pour creamer in his cup, since he did not seem to know how, or maybe could not get his brain to tell him how. Either way, I was glad to help him. Before he left, he bowed his head politely to me--still muttering his unintelligble words--and walked out the door. The bell chimed again, this time announcing his departure. And I watched him walked across the parking lot until I could not see him anymore, wondering if I would ever see him again-- The strange man who reminded me of something very important: People are worth our time and care because they are made in God's image, and there is something profoundly beautiful in that.