Today, this is what I found:
if someone were to ask me what the one thing in the world that i really really REALLY want (as of now), my heart's desire?.... my answer? to get in the nursing program next fall. if i don't get in...i know i could always apply elsewhere... and life will move on...but i'd be devastated for about 2 weeks...maybe longer... maybe forever! hah hah hah kidding. admission is solely based on GPA status...minimum is 3.0 but the lowest GPA they accepted last semester was a 3.35.the fact that i know i could've gotten better grades in certain classes... is bugging me right now. it's too late to look back and wish that i studied and done better on tests. What good is my faith if i slack off and not do my best? YEAH. exactly. like that verse in James... "Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." [James 2:17] |
I applied for the nursing program at Fresno State and as the story goes, I didn't get in. Yes, it did have a lot to do with my GPA, and yes, I was pretty devastated--as were my parents--for far longer than 2 weeks, when I didn't get in. But that's what prompted me to look for other options. I didn't go to Biola right away. I waited another semester or so, I think.
The really interesting thing about this particular entry is the fact that I started out the entry with admitting what my heart's desire was. Hah. Sometimes, in the midst of all the busy-ness and the stress of nursing school now, I forget how much I wanted all of this more than anything. I wanted it so bad that it hurt--which is probably why I felt so devastated when I didn't get in a program the first, second or third time that I applied (the third time I applied was during my first year at Biola. I didn't get in then, either). When I applied for the fourth time, I was already ready to give up. I had no hope that I was getting into nursing at all. I didn't know what to do. It seemed mean that God would give me such a strong desire, only to have it be unfulfilled. I doubted what I thought was my calling. I felt so lost. I questioned God a lot, saying to Him, "LORD, how could I want something this much only to be disappointed time and time again? If I'm not supposed to be a nurse, then take this desire away."
But I did get in... after the fourth time! And now I'm finishing up the third semester of the nursing program, and I only have three more semesters to go!
I really needed to read my xanga entry today. I'm thankful that I developed the habit of public self-disclosure at an early age, because I can look back and remind (or surprise) myself of what's true and see so clearly how God is working in my life--inspite of myself and my failures! How quickly I forget those truths. Thankfully, they become less of a cliche when I actually experience these things in my life.
And today I am reminded to keep hoping in God and to keep believing that He does grant us the desires of our hearts--but only in His perfect timing, with the purpose of accomplishing something within us that He can only do through the seasons of various trials. Most importantly, we must wait. Anything good that God has in store for us is worth waiting for. Biola was worth waiting for. Being here has been an incredible blessing in my life, an important milestone for my faith.
Thank You, Jesus.
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