More thoughts on self-disclosure...

I think public self-disclosure can be looked at as either glass half-empty or glass half-full...

I've been contemplating for some time now if it's necessarily a "bad" or "unwise" thing to be so open about my personal experiences in walking this life of faith.  I admit that my propensity to share what is going on in my life is an ineffable sort of inclination.  I honestly feel that I have to share, that it's somehow knitted very strategically into the person that God has made me to be.

In some circles, self-disclosure is totally and completely accepted, or at least, not as abhored or viewed as distasteful.  However, I do think that most well-meaning Christians are socialized to view it as a foolish thing. That emotions are to be disregarded and thrown out,  or dumped out, like waste-products, instead of looking at them, sharing them, trying to see where they come from. Then again, most well-meaning Christians don't value the process of self-examination and will go to great lengths to avoid looking at their sin issues in a more microscopic and meaningful way.  Not to completely digress, but in regards to the process of self-examination, I think overgeneralizing sin and our struggles as human beings--and not giving respect to the roots and causes of our specific struggles--is actually a clever and unintentional way, Christians have used to avoid themselves, or the uglyness of who they really are.  How can we truly appreciate the cross of Christ and what He died for, if we don't truly see who He actually died for?  I feel like we only tap the surface sometimes because we're afraid of what we might see.  It's understandable.  The Bible does say that we are depraved beings. 

Anyway.  I do see the pitfalls of public self-disclosure.  There is a degree of oversharing that is, in fact, weird.  But does it deserve judgment? No, I don't think so.  Do people who overshare want attention? Yeah. But like everything else that we do, there is an underlying reason for why we do what we do.  People who share want to be seen, which I believe is a basic human need.  Who doesn't want to be noticed and given affirmation for who they are?  Christians seek out God and we want to be seen by Him. It's not wrong to want that or acknowledge that it is a need. We are children of a most High God and like children, we want to be seen.  Even Hagar acknowledges this in Genesis 16:13, as she sat in the desert, because a jealous Sarah ran her out of her house--for having the audacity to actually get pregnant with Abraham's child (though it was Sarah's idea to have them sleep together in the first place).  But God meets Hagar in the wilderness, amidst her pain and troubles and blesses her. And her response is so beautiful, "You are a God of seeing,' for she said, 'Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

Ok, I digressed again. Sorry. So yes, people who view self-disclosure as a way to only get attention and affirmation from others aren't completely off base. But again, I don't think it's necessarily wrong.  And I think that some people may judge self-disclosure because they themselves don't understand it.  We reject what we don't understand.   On the other hand, people who refuse to share their personal stories and their emotions have their own underlying reasons for keeping it to themselves.   Maybe it's fear.  Fear of judgment. Fear of rejection. Or maybe it's pride.  A refusal to show weakness, or admit weakness. Or maybe it's ignorance.  Some may be completely unaware of their own crap, so they have nothing to share.  I think it's important to know why we share or don't share because I believe the way that people share with others directly affect how they share their lives with God.  And He of all people deserves our transparency...

Clearly, I am biased towards a more transparent way of living. Again, part of me feels like I just can't help it, sometimes.  I see how God is moving and working in my life and I don't think He wants me to just keep it to myself.  There are times that I share because I seek solace in the company of others, the comfort of people who care and love me.  When it's a more generalized audience, I think I share because I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggle and in a way, I think I am seeking affirmation for myself that I'm not alone, either.

Whatever the case may be, I sincerely believe that there is more eternal value in being sincere and transparent with others, than not. Not that it's easy.  Because it's not.


Toodles.

A.D.H.D

I may be THE most...easily distracted, un-focused person that I know. Do you, beloved reader, want to know how I got to my blog and started writing this post? Well, it was purely unintentional and part of a tangled web of "sidetrackings" that originated from me trying to initiate a journal entry on my much neglected, Target-bought, leather-bound, private, for "Linell's Eyes Only" journal.

Let me retrace my steps that led me to this very moment: I opened my journal, which I haven't written in since December 6th, 2009 for various reasons--mainly avoidance-- and managed to write the date on the top right hand corner. All of a sudden, I remembered that I should write something in my planner (lest I forget), and as I opened to the specific date in question, I discovered a potential conflict! I, therefore, logged onto Facebook to write on my friend's wall, to let her know of the potential conflict and to ask if she could reschedule for a later time (I would phone her or text her, but since her return from Dublin, Ireland she has no access to a phone and Facebook has become her only connection to her friends/family). And as I was on facebook, I managed to see a friend's posting about a trip to Fresh & Easy, which reminded me of my new affinity for the lemon & cilantro hummus that I just purchased from that same grocery store this week. Of course, I felt like I needed to let the world know (and the fact that the name Fresh & Easy immediately causes me to hum Outkast's "So Fresh, So Clean" repeatedly in my head, or outloud, for an unknown length of time)--and I changed my facebook status to tell everyone that I loved lemon & cilantro hummus and it's bizarre connection to hip-hop in my mind. By the time I had finished my facebook status update, I remembered that a friend from Santa Barbara is coming to visit this weekend, so I wanted to look on his facebook to see what his plans were. This led me to a post from another friend, who had posted something on his facebook wall, announcing that she had a new blog. This made me think of my own blog and how I should add her to my list of "Blogs I read" but then managed to forget all that as I found the need to post something about my shameless distractibility and failure to stay focused on one task at hand.

Sigh. This is a common occurence in my life. It's 30% funny, but 70% frustrating and is a detriment to my desire to be a vessel of discipline and productivity. But, I'm not throwing my hat in just yet. No way, Mr. Jose. They always say that the first step to growth and change is realizing that there is a problem. And my friends, I have a HUGE problem.

Well, now that I'm all journaled out... I think it's time to post-pone my other journal entry (on my other journal) once again. Instead, I will indulge in some hummus and crackers and watch a few episodes of Smallville.

Thank you and goodnight.

oh, Angst.

I want to write a song.
I want to write a song.
I want to write a song.

but nothing. nothing at all is coming. ok, that's a little bit of an exaggeration. i have a few lines:

I tried to write this song before
but didn't get very far
there are somethings that I wanted more
like sounding good on my guitar

but I was drowning in my vanity
I was in deep and over my head...

That's about it. It is a little frustrating when I want to be musical and sing something original, but can't. It's frustrating because I'm used to writing songs with ease. Maybe songs came so easily because I had a lot to say. I guess since it's summer and I'm relatively more relaxed than I have been in the past 9 months, there's really nothing that interesting to sing about.

Oh, but there is! There's always something. I refuse to succumb to the "nothingness." I love writing songs, singing and playing my guitar. Not being able to do those things is similar to the feeling of being constipated. I am creatively constipated!!

Ironically--and I just realized this--my lyrics suggest that my motives for writing a song maybe a little selfish. Uh-oh. I feel like my brain is arriving at a very accurate and conclusive answer to my current dilemma. Journaling tends to do that sometimes. Flub it all. Wouldn't it be better to live in discomposed ignorance about the apparent injustices in my life? Wouldn't it be easier if I just made myself out to be the victim of this drought in creativity (i.e "creative constipation")? No. It hasn't even been 20 minutes since I started this entry and it seems that the reason(s) as to why I can't write songs at this juncture of my life is pretty clear. Whether or not I want to divulge what those reasons are is another question. And no, I don't want to. But if you know me well enough, then you already know the answer. Hint: it has to do with putting something before Someone and Someone is not happy about that. He is seriously jealous and wants nothing else in my life to take His place.

h'okay.

I think the biggest oversight in parenting nowadays is the lack of boundaries children are given. I know I'm not a parent, yet. But I've had plenty of experience in working with and babysitting children. I love kids. Maybe a little too much. They're cute and easily amused. Life is fairly simple for them. They are astounded by most things that we, adults, tend to take forgranted. But as precious as these little darlings are, they are not so cute when they are disobedient and have no respect for authority. It's disheartening, sad and very annoying when I babysit kids who could care less that I'm the adult. It's especially irritating when they throw tantrums and hit you and say things like "you're the most meanest person EVERRR!!!" when you tell them that they can't play soccer in the house, or ask them to share their popcorn with their younger siblings. I mean...come on, really? My least favorite response is: "You're not the boss of me." I pray for the children who continue to carry that attitude into their adult life.

Allowing kids to do whatever they want and let them have the run of the house, is detrimental to what was originally intended for the adult-child relationship. Some parents actually think tthat it's better for their children to grow up in a home with "the least amount of rules as possible." We are born as naturally selfish beings and without rules and boundaries to shape us in our most formative years, and without these rules to curb, tame or at least give us some indicators of how to properly act as civil individuals, then we become selfish, ill-adjusted, rude adults. Most of us can think of people like that. And yeah, we don't like them. No one likes them. And it's a vicious cycle: most of the time these adults become horrible parents (if some decide to become parents at all, which is better I suppose, than the alternative) and raise children, who become mean, disrespectful adults.

Granted, I've probably made a lot of blanket overgeneralizations. Inspite of that, I think I've said some truth. I am not a perfect person. And I am also an inherently rebellious person. Though, I rebellious by nature, I know to not act on those impulses because of how my parents raised me. I had a lot of rules and boundaries (maybe a little too many rules) growing up as a child. Most times I didn't like and I didn't understand all their rules. But looking back on it now, I am grateful. I believe I am a well-adjusted individual and I have a healthy respect for those who are in authority over me because of my that aspect of my childhood. How I was raised has also predisposed me to have a healthy respect for the Father. I don't see God as an overbearing god who makes our lives miserable with all his rules and commandments. I see those commandments and rules as necessary good. Following God's commands glorifies Him and shows Him that we love Him, but those rules also keep us out of trouble.

I think the stigma of "rules" is something that our culture has created. That is unfortunate. It's one of those lies that this culture has chosen over what is true and good. Rules and boundaries are not a bad thing. If anything, when followed, they keep us from getting into trouble...

I am an anti-hermit.

I think I just made that word up. You'll probably want to use it after I explain what it means. Then I'll probably have to charge you a nickel for every time you say it.

Anti-hermitism is a revolt against all things that would force someone (such as myself) to become a hermit, or become secluded from the outside world. Therefore, I am a zealous supporter of anti-hermitism. I am an anti-hermit.

The reason behind the coinage of this term is in regards to the comment a friend of mine made earlier today. We were talking about how I am planning to move out of the dorms and into an actual apartment and, come summer time, I need to have a stable job in order to pay for said apartment. In response to this he said something along the lines of, "In addition to working, you're also going to be a nursing major, meaning you'll be virtually non-existent next year." I was taken by surprise, but recovered quickly enough to say, "Nuh-uh. I refuse to be a hermit."(I am so articulate sometimes, it's scary).

And that has always been the case for me (refusing to be a hermit, I mean, and not being articulate. Don't know where that came from). I don't think I blatantly disregard all my responsibilities, but some things just pale in comparison to spending time with people. And I love people. So much so that sometimes I do have to lock myself in a room (or a library) in order to get homework done.

So what will next year look like for me? Granted that I will be really busy, but I know myself enough to say that I will make time for people. What's a perfect GPA in nursing school worth, if I become disconnected to close friends? And will a well-endowed bank account matter, if I completely disregard spending time with people?

I know it's all about finding the right balance. Swaying too far into any of the two possible extremes would be detrimental to my emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. Actually, I see myself sitting right on the line between: blatant disregard for responsibilities and doing as much work necessary while spending time with important people in my life . I will definitely have to be careful and aware, in order to guard against swinging too far into the point of no return.

Why couldn't I just major in people-studies? No, I don't mean anthropology. That is entirely different from what I'm alluding too. In "people-studies," I would just hang out with friends and do all the things that friends do in order to ace my major.

yeah, but life doesn't work that way.

(p.s. maybe I sort of lied. I do become a hermit sometimes and can voluntarily stay away from people for hours at a time. So, maybe I'm not as zealous about anti-hermitism as I professed I was. Sorry! I was caught up in the moment.)

and so this is Christmas...

remember when Christmas was so much more exciting? i looked forward to Christmas because i knew I was going to get presents. but now that i'm 22, i don't get presents anymore--well, 3 years ago my parents bought me a car. since then i haven't gotten anything. i expect i won't get any presents for the next....5 years. with all that to say, for me, Christmas has lost it's luster.

i don't dislike Christmas. but... i don't care about presents, christmas trees, christmas lights, christmas dinners, or How the Grinch Stole Christmas, anymore. yeah, it would be nice if it snowed. and i still enjoy "Baby, it's Cold Outside" every time i hear it. but i don't really care about the "good feelings." Feelings are deceiving. Feelings mask reality more than it reveals truth. And sadly, christmas has become a season of "good feelings."

i guess i've grown out of the "good feelings." the superficial things of this season is overpoweringly strong, like old, musky cologne from your grandfather's medicine cabinet. but beneath all that odor, is something sincere, something simple. something that doesn't require christmas lights to stimulate nostalgic feelings of "christmas cheer." something so beautiful that it doesn't need all this pomp and circumstance. i find myself longing for that simplicity to, once again, be the focal point of this season. and that yearning for something sincere has long since sobered my excitement.