vulnerABILITY

I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?"  I responded by asking what he meant by that.   He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff."  I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars.  I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.

I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants.  Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like.  Often,  these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me).  I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom.  When life is tough, anything else is pure crap.  Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me:  God is predictably good. He saves and redeems.  He is not cruel and unjust.  He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.

In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality.  That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work.  I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.

I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender.  However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful.  I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option.  A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.

I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so.  I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different.  I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around.  He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him.  And I hope the same goes for me.  I mean, I think it's a double edged sword.  I know people will be judgmental either way.  It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world."  Whatever. 

My sentiments, exactly.

 I think I purposely didn't blog about Christmas yesterday just to fight my tendency to follow the social Christian norms, which involves writing all these spiritual things on and about December 25th.  Plus,  I wanted to go deeper about the meaning of Christmas, not just say what I would normally say...just to say it.  So I really, really thought about it--gave myself a time out, in the privacy of my own room.  As I really tried to think about the realities of what happened the night that Jesus was born, I found myself deeply moved by the fact that Jesus, the Word of God, the Person through whom all things were made and formed, came to earth as baby.  Being a nurse, I know exactly what that entails.  The birthing process is not all that magical.  It's gross. Not to mention, the fact that Mary gave birth in a stable of all places.  Talk about unsanitary.

I ask the question: why would God choose to do this?  Christ, the Savior of mankind, came to earth in such a humble way, when we all know that He is above this. Most of us came into the world in better conditions than Jesus did.  And most of our parents weren't involved in a situation that was nothing short of a scandal (unwed, betrothed, virgin girl pregnant by the...holy spirit??? what the what?!).

Jesus came into this broken world, through a less than ideal situation.  The King of Kings and LORD of Lords, was a carpenter's son, impoverished and on the bottom of the social totem pole. 

So, what?

I think I spent the last ten years of my life just focusing on my moral bankruptcies as a sinner during Christmas and my depravity which "caused" Jesus to come in this way. This did nothing for me in terms of really appreciating the significance of the occasion. I've come to realize that thinking in this way leads Christians to view God as someone who "had no other choice." That doesn't sound like a very loving God, or a God who actually cares about His creation.  I think God actually wanted to give humanity a fighting chance.

I think God wants Christians to view Christ's birth in heartfelt awe and admiration, which is hard to do when we're trying to so hard to wrestle up some sort of emotion about Christmas, but all we seem to come up with is (a) nothing significant or (b) residual guilt from focusing too much on how sinful we are & yadda yadda.

Of course, recognizing our sin and the fact that we are broken, sinful people is important.  True repentance is not possible without admitting to God, and also importantly, to ourselves, our own brokenness, shortcomings and failures.  How can we truly be moved to follow Jesus, if we don't have a truly moving reason to do so?

But to focus also on God's plan to bring Jesus into the world as He did, not just our sinfulness, is deeply moving because it demonstrates God's love and His tenderness towards us and our human condition.

It's so subtle, yet so grand. The birth of Jesus, His humble beginnings and His compassion towards the broken, the poor in spirit, the marginalized and the hurting was all part of God's plan to save us.  Not only from Hell, but from the "hell" that we experience here on Earth.  Jesus came the way that He did so that He can connect to us in our brokenness and we can find hope in Him when life, or our shit, threatens to overpower us.  What makes this so significant is that Jesus has been there.  He himself knows brokenness. He is also called the "man of many sorrows." I think this is why He connected with those who were hurting, not just physically, but socially and emotionally.

Christ's birth and His life & ministry is also particularly significant when one reflects on all the rules and particularities of being holy and following the laws in the Old Testament.  Praise God that we don't have to focus on rituals! It is this freedom in Christ that should bring us to worship Him and to live our lives for Him.  In this way, we are inherently motivated by love and awe, instead of just fear.

There is true and real comfort in thinking about the realities of how Jesus came to earth and how He lived His life.  If anything, it should be what truly motivate us to worship and adore Him.