My encouragement today.

"The LORD will fight for you, and you only have to be silent." [Exodus 14:14]

Sometimes, life is just overwhelming.  There's only so much I can do.  I see the extent of my weakness yet again.  And I must and choose to believe that God cares and that He is working in ways that I can't even begin to imagine.

I truly believe that God is using that verse and this song to remind me that He cares about me in ways that I don't fully realize yet. 

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
my life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
He hears me when I call

re: Stacks

This song is beautiful.  It's about the burdens that we all carry as human beings or the "stacks" that we accrue over the years as we wade through less than ideal situations--imperfect families, sinful predispositions, death of a loved one, or a death of a dream, unfulfilled expectations and disappointments that lead to meaningful life changes, suffering caused by our own decisions or the decisions of others.  The list goes on.  In the somberness and simplicity of Bon Iver's song, in his recognition of the broken, yet beautiful way that humans continue to strive with their own inherent shortcomings and the shortcomings of others, there is a haunting and freeing sound to his melody.  The last verse of the song says: This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization/It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away/Your love will be/Safe with me.  I think of Jesus.  And how anything is possible in His strength.  It's not that He gives us super-human strength. He gives us His reassurance, and a fresh perspective. Yet, even the supernatural strength of the Holy Spirit is immensely practical.  It makes us resilient, while keeping us humble.  And the beauty of resilience is the freedom that we gain from the gradual mitigation of the stacks on our backs, as we pursue emotional and spiritual growth with fervor and passion.

After the Storm

This song was playing in my head when I woke up this morning, these words in particular:

There will come a time you'll see
with no more tears and love will not break your heart
but dismiss your fears
get over your hill and see
what you find there
with grace in your heart and flowers
in your hair...

The Civil Wars: Poison & Wine

I get to see these guys play Monday night @ Bardot in Hollywood. I am really excited.  This is currently my favorite song of theirs. It's just a very heartfelt song. I think we can all relate to some aspect of it--if we've ever felt the push and pull of finding ourselves in love with the wrong person...

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I still choose you

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will...

Ms. Bailey Rae

I love this woman's passion when she sings. Mm.

His burden is light.

This is one of my favorite Sufjan Stevens song. Probably my absolute favorite. It really calms my soul and reminds me of the profound joy and peace there is with Jesus.

Vito's Ordination Song:

Imagination

by B. Dillon:

I need to be reminded
of who I was
when I took the first steps out the door.
All I've said
now follows me around
I'm reminded...
I'm not like that anymore.

I uprooted...
and miles behind me are the
faces of
who
I left.

You've brought to my attention--
I've slowly changed. Becoming
who I wanted
to
stop.

But isn't that like, a finite mind,
setting out, with such righteous indignation?
Now, I'm at your feet, could you look at me with some
imagination.

A bush before me.
I slipped my sandals off...
I've only stopped, to look.

In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great sound.
I run, I run...
to You.

Oh, isn't it just like, a finite mind,
setting out, with such righteous
indignation?
Now I'm at your feet, could you look
at me
with some imagination?

Remind me...
why you woke me up
and why you wake me up every
morning.

The staff in my hands,
held in by your love...
just stay close,

stay close.

Cause I know, I know my own mind--
why I set out with righteous indignation.
When I'm at your feet, please...
Please...
look at me

[with some imagination.]

shoulder bouncing...

you'll know what I mean:

Song of the Week

...and word of the week: "Cad"

(close second: "rascal" and third, "rove...")

Sunny Saturdays

I'm not really inspired to write about much, except that it's a beautiful morning. The sun is out and it's a wonderful 69 degrees outside. It feels almost like a sin to be sitting inside--but I know that I wouldn't be able to do anything productive if I tried to "study" outdoors. I'm settling for the next best thing: I opened the blinds and the screen door in our apartment to invite the sun--and the rest of the outside world-- in.

I am also enjoying this--M.Ward (featuring Zooey Deschannel) "Rave On:"

Relief.

Whenever I hear this song, I just seem to breathe a little easier. It's a classic. (Don't mind the cheesy pictures)...


At Last (cover) by Eva Cassidy

Song of the week.

her songs overflow with passion. it's why i love her.

Sing.

Sing by Travis:

oh, Angst.

I want to write a song.
I want to write a song.
I want to write a song.

but nothing. nothing at all is coming. ok, that's a little bit of an exaggeration. i have a few lines:

I tried to write this song before
but didn't get very far
there are somethings that I wanted more
like sounding good on my guitar

but I was drowning in my vanity
I was in deep and over my head...

That's about it. It is a little frustrating when I want to be musical and sing something original, but can't. It's frustrating because I'm used to writing songs with ease. Maybe songs came so easily because I had a lot to say. I guess since it's summer and I'm relatively more relaxed than I have been in the past 9 months, there's really nothing that interesting to sing about.

Oh, but there is! There's always something. I refuse to succumb to the "nothingness." I love writing songs, singing and playing my guitar. Not being able to do those things is similar to the feeling of being constipated. I am creatively constipated!!

Ironically--and I just realized this--my lyrics suggest that my motives for writing a song maybe a little selfish. Uh-oh. I feel like my brain is arriving at a very accurate and conclusive answer to my current dilemma. Journaling tends to do that sometimes. Flub it all. Wouldn't it be better to live in discomposed ignorance about the apparent injustices in my life? Wouldn't it be easier if I just made myself out to be the victim of this drought in creativity (i.e "creative constipation")? No. It hasn't even been 20 minutes since I started this entry and it seems that the reason(s) as to why I can't write songs at this juncture of my life is pretty clear. Whether or not I want to divulge what those reasons are is another question. And no, I don't want to. But if you know me well enough, then you already know the answer. Hint: it has to do with putting something before Someone and Someone is not happy about that. He is seriously jealous and wants nothing else in my life to take His place.

h'okay.

Sometimes people write funny songs...

I was sitting in the library, minding my own business, distracting myself from doing homework (the usual) and listening to Frank Sinatra Radio on pandora.com when a song came that made snicker loudly (woops). I'm sure you'll find the lyrics very interesting:

I Can't Be New by Susan Werner

Coffee, ham and eggs
I can be your diner
Tired and aching legs
I'll be your recliner
And when you need a breath of air,
i'll be your balcony

when you need a laugh,
I can be your joker,
cut a loss in half,
I can be your broker
cause all of that and more
you've been for me

i'll be, very least, when the pressure's heightening
i can be the grease when your wheels are tightening
when you need a dance, I can that ol' soft shoe
I can be your girl, through the best and worst times
but I can't be the girl, you notice for the first time
there's so much I can do, but I can't be new...

and when their buying you steak baby, I can be the gravy
when they throw you in the lake, I can be the navy
be that three day leave
I can be that bad tattoo
I can be the sky, the very wild blue yonder
so I can catch your eye
when it starts to wander
as I've seen it do
oh, at least a time or two,
i'll be anyting for you baby
but I can't be new...

I will reserve my thoughts about this song for another blog post. Right now, I really need to...concentrate. aaaaaah.

Bring me Flowers.

listen to the song "Bring me flowers."
I have known about this song for THREE years now and ever since I heard it for the first time, I have been waiting for it to come out in some sort of tangible form (iTunes?).

I heard this song when I watched Step Up 2 tonight at the dollar theatre (yay for dollar tuesdays!) I got really excited when "Bring Me Flowers" started playing because I assumed that meant that the song would finally be available for purchase! Thus, as soon as I got home, I logged into to iTunes, twittering with excitement. But lo and behold... IT WASNT THERE. The song wasn't listed on the movie soundtrack! HOW LAME. It's cruel and unusual punishment! I say! Why Hope? Why? I just don't understand why you would torture me so. *loaded sigh*

Well, at least I can just go to her myspace page and listen to it whenever I want. But it's just not the same (and wouldn't she want to make money off of this song? what in the world is she thinking)

disclaimer: i'm not as neurotic as i sound. really.

Day 5.

i think.
maybe i've lost count.
doesn't matter, the days seem to all blend together.

i realized that my earlier post seemed slightly grumpy. All things considered, I'm really not that grumpy, I was just tired and when I'm tired, I say things more bluntly.

I talked to my dad today to tell him that I cut my credit card because the darn thing was causing me trouble. My dad's response was not the "good for you from running away from Satan's foothold over your life," response that I was expecting, though, his response didn't surprise me either. He said, in a very LOUD tone, over the phone: "WHAT? What if there is an emergency? What are you going to do? You don't need to cut up your credit card, you just need to learn to control yourself. You are impulsive, you need to learn to not be that way!"

oh, Dad, if you only knew.

Thus far, today has been a good reminder that I am human. My dad's point is valid. Emergencies, financial ones, do tend to happen from time to time. A credit card could come in handy for such emergencies. I guess I thought about that, but filed that thought under "lame excuses."

Oy vey.

I wrote a song (or started to, anyway) a few days ago and the chorus kind of really speaks to the situation at hand:

Cause we're young and naive,
and made to believe that
we've got it all figured out.
But ironically, it's quite opposite,
and we'll be learning till the
day that we die.

Duty, dooty, doodie.

I'm on duty. Which means that I sit in the RA office for three hours and do things like...blog, or play songs on the gee-tar with Grace Mears about God and how AWESOME and AMAZING He is. (Yeah, I know, I've got my work cut out for me.)

Our staff just a got new computer (a Mac, of course) and I'm enjoying the new-ness of the new keyboard and how the keys feel like little sponges underneath my finger tips. I love typing on this keyboard. It's quite therapeutic. One of those simple joys in life that is often taken for granted. And at this season in my life, I feel like I need to take advantage of things like this.

This past week has been a week of profound...revelations. That mostly means, I'm discovering more things that I need to "fix" about myself. Actually, they're "nothing new under the sun." I guess I'm just seeing my faults with an entirely new perspective. Oy vey.

In light of recent events, I have, unfortunately, seen how impatient/impulsive I can be. It's a little scary, I must admit. I liken it to...jumping from not-quite-point-A to WAY past point-B, hitting a wall (or God's hand of grace), then falling so flat on my face, that I am unable to stand up under my foolish decisions, forcing me to crawl back, while dragging my face through the dirt, to point A.

Yeah, talk about a humbling realization. It's not fun, but I know it is necessary so that I am more aware of it. Though I can't say that I'm cured of my impatient nature (drats!), but I am praying about it (lightbulb: even the process of learning to be more patient is a...process that takes patience! And a lot of it! Ah!).

And in correlation to me "jumping the gun," I also see the danger in not being present in the process of getting to point B from point A. This happens more often than not. Especially, when doing homework. Which is probably why I don't retain as much as I should. And it's probably why I'm not as diligent as I should be either. Ayayay.

I understand that the root of my impatience is in how small I'm making God to be. I say I trust Him, but often times, my actions do not reflect that. Ouch. Thank goodness that God's posture is redemption. He loves to be merciful. And ironically, it is by His mercy and grace that I am continually sanctified (i.e. made holy, to become more like His Son, Jesus.) And I'm not going to lie, or pretend that this is easy. Sanctification can be quite a painful and jolting experience. Especially when it affects, or involves, other people. Sometimes, I think sanctification is like a bulldozer for one's character flaws. It'll demolish anything and everything in it's path. It's important to get the ugly things out of the way, in order to build, newer and better buildings. And God is..building...up our character. He wants to make us better people. (Hmm..yeah, I may need to work on that analogy a little more, but I'm hoping you get my drift.)

Oh yes, but sanctification is such a good thing, despite the inner turmoil, loss of appetite and feelings of nausea (yes, I'm serious!). All of these factors make me need and depend on God all the more! And oh, how I do need Him. Instead of gazing fully at my Father's beautiful face, I had turned my head away, and was only looking at Him through the corner of my eye. I had been, in some ways, unfaithful to Him. It is important that I understand that.

How could I forget that Jesus is my treasure? That He is my true love? That sounds cheesy, but it's the truth. Maybe I need to remember what it's like to be IN love with Jesus. Not "in love" like romantic love, but something much more than that. Something less...materialistic and...more eternal.

Wow, that's a lot to say.

I need to get to bed. I'm sleepy. But I will end with this amazing hymn:

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly Friend.

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake

To guide the future, as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul; when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkened in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe they sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the LORD.

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, loves' purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past

All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last.

ice cream.

i am well-versed on the subject of ambiguity
like that one guy, that one time,
once said to me,
"Girl, if you were ice cream
you'd be my favorite flavor."
Honey, if that were true,
then why did you date her?

end scene.

it's 2 in the morning and i am up, sitting in the lobby. my brain has been trained to be anxious about getting work done. how do i adjust from constantly expecting to do something, to not doing anything at all! i am a worthless vegetable. oh, how i envy my roommate and her eagerness for sleep.

my new favorite thing: secret handshakes. nothing cements a friendship like a fancy way to affirm people through dancing hand movements.

my new least favorite thing: pelicans. why? because they are evil. case in point: