More thoughts on self-disclosure...

I think public self-disclosure can be looked at as either glass half-empty or glass half-full...

I've been contemplating for some time now if it's necessarily a "bad" or "unwise" thing to be so open about my personal experiences in walking this life of faith.  I admit that my propensity to share what is going on in my life is an ineffable sort of inclination.  I honestly feel that I have to share, that it's somehow knitted very strategically into the person that God has made me to be.

In some circles, self-disclosure is totally and completely accepted, or at least, not as abhored or viewed as distasteful.  However, I do think that most well-meaning Christians are socialized to view it as a foolish thing. That emotions are to be disregarded and thrown out,  or dumped out, like waste-products, instead of looking at them, sharing them, trying to see where they come from. Then again, most well-meaning Christians don't value the process of self-examination and will go to great lengths to avoid looking at their sin issues in a more microscopic and meaningful way.  Not to completely digress, but in regards to the process of self-examination, I think overgeneralizing sin and our struggles as human beings--and not giving respect to the roots and causes of our specific struggles--is actually a clever and unintentional way, Christians have used to avoid themselves, or the uglyness of who they really are.  How can we truly appreciate the cross of Christ and what He died for, if we don't truly see who He actually died for?  I feel like we only tap the surface sometimes because we're afraid of what we might see.  It's understandable.  The Bible does say that we are depraved beings. 

Anyway.  I do see the pitfalls of public self-disclosure.  There is a degree of oversharing that is, in fact, weird.  But does it deserve judgment? No, I don't think so.  Do people who overshare want attention? Yeah. But like everything else that we do, there is an underlying reason for why we do what we do.  People who share want to be seen, which I believe is a basic human need.  Who doesn't want to be noticed and given affirmation for who they are?  Christians seek out God and we want to be seen by Him. It's not wrong to want that or acknowledge that it is a need. We are children of a most High God and like children, we want to be seen.  Even Hagar acknowledges this in Genesis 16:13, as she sat in the desert, because a jealous Sarah ran her out of her house--for having the audacity to actually get pregnant with Abraham's child (though it was Sarah's idea to have them sleep together in the first place).  But God meets Hagar in the wilderness, amidst her pain and troubles and blesses her. And her response is so beautiful, "You are a God of seeing,' for she said, 'Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

Ok, I digressed again. Sorry. So yes, people who view self-disclosure as a way to only get attention and affirmation from others aren't completely off base. But again, I don't think it's necessarily wrong.  And I think that some people may judge self-disclosure because they themselves don't understand it.  We reject what we don't understand.   On the other hand, people who refuse to share their personal stories and their emotions have their own underlying reasons for keeping it to themselves.   Maybe it's fear.  Fear of judgment. Fear of rejection. Or maybe it's pride.  A refusal to show weakness, or admit weakness. Or maybe it's ignorance.  Some may be completely unaware of their own crap, so they have nothing to share.  I think it's important to know why we share or don't share because I believe the way that people share with others directly affect how they share their lives with God.  And He of all people deserves our transparency...

Clearly, I am biased towards a more transparent way of living. Again, part of me feels like I just can't help it, sometimes.  I see how God is moving and working in my life and I don't think He wants me to just keep it to myself.  There are times that I share because I seek solace in the company of others, the comfort of people who care and love me.  When it's a more generalized audience, I think I share because I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggle and in a way, I think I am seeking affirmation for myself that I'm not alone, either.

Whatever the case may be, I sincerely believe that there is more eternal value in being sincere and transparent with others, than not. Not that it's easy.  Because it's not.


Toodles.

After the Fact...

I am a college graduate. 

It's been a long time coming for me--maybe that's why the post-college feeling is all the more sweeter, smoother even. I feel very blessed--especially because I have a job.  A job that I am ecstatic and giddy about.  If you had told me a few months ago that I would have a job right out of school, I would've laughed very obnoxiously in your face.  My expectations were very low, mostly because those kinds of things don't really happen to me. If you've read my blog over the last few months (or years), it's pretty evident that I have been dealing with a lot of disappointments and discouragements--from either external situations or my own internal experience. So, why would I expect anything else?  This isn't meant to sound depressing or hopeless--I think my low expectations were equal parts humility and acceptance of my low estate, with maybe a mild tinge of self-pity. 

 Anyways, I think I really had reached a point of honest to goodness humility...and surrender.  God had brought me to that place and I wasn't going to fight him anymore. Don't get me wrong--it's a good place to be, but it did take quite a bit to get me here.   However, I still came up with some semblance of a plan--because I'm a woman and a woman who likes to plan things.  I called it PLAN B and it entailed going to bartending school and working at a bar in downtown Fullerton and maybe nannying, too.  I was even thinking about revisiting my days as a barista and planned to work at starbucks or any coffee shop that would employ a person with a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. All I knew was I wanted to be with people and talk to people, to be in the world and not of it, to be in ministry through relationships with people who are different from me, to love them as Jesus did... to love them as Jesus as has taught me to do.

But God still blessed me with a job that I would've given my left arm for. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration.  I probably wouldn't have torn out a limb to work at a clinic on Skid Row, but I remember despising the thought of working at some adult medical-surgical floor just for experience--but I was going to buck up and do it if I got hired at a hospital. However, God saw my heart and what I desired to do with my life and He is gracious enough to give me the opportunity to work with homeless people in downtown L.A... as a nurse. 

Oh man, there's still so much to say.  Because...God not only blessed me with a job, but also brought reconciliation in my life. He has taught me what true forgiveness is and what it means to entrust this process to Him. Things with my family had been the brunt of my spiritual and emotional distress and I didn't even think we would be whole come graduation time.  But the goodness of God prevailed.  I doubted His goodness and His love and may I never do it again--at least not anytime soon.

Over the years, I had become wary of saying "Glory to God," because I came from a background where those three words were dropped like it's hot. But they were empty words, without meaning, without real understanding, without real substantial and heartfelt belief.

But today, I can say it. GLORY TO GOD.  Those three words hold the last 5 years of my life, the ups and the downs--mostly downs-- the trials and the heartaches, the blessings of new realizations, the struggle in wrestling with God amidst the pain and most importantly--real and honest surrender, a willingness to let go of control of my life because God has proven His sovereignty, care, love and provision.

I pray that I will carry and hold true to this very important lesson in my life as I move on to a new chapter...

Acceptance.

I spent Monday and part of Tuesday up in Idyllwild, CA.  I had never gone on a solo retreat before--I guess I never saw the need for it.  But in light of recent events and ever growing burden on my weary heart, I knew I needed to go.

It was a gorgeous house on top of the mountain, surrounded by nature and I had it all to myself.  The owners, a couple who heard God call them to build this retreat center, really provided a place of safety, comfort and peace.  It's a place dedicated for weary travelers to find their center once again in Jesus.

I had never been happier than when I was sitting alone in that huge house by myself.  There was silence and the grandiose view of mountains and towering pine trees.  I even went on a hike to a place called "Inspiration Point."  And I sat there for hours just reflecting on my life, amidst nature, and connecting with God in a way that I hadn't in a long time.

It was there on the mountain top that I was able to see clearly all the burdens that I had been carrying: anger, resentment, holding on to a sense of control and not wanting to let go of it, most importantly--an unwillingness to accept my life and all the pain and hardship that I have endured and my personal struggles that I battle with on a day to day basis.   I wrestled with the thought that I merely had to accept the pain, when pain is, well, so painful.  What would that acceptance mean?  Would that mean that I would allow myself to sit in that pain?  Does that mean I can't always expect God to do something about it? Does that mean accepting that God may never do anything about it?

It was good to get away, to think, to process.  But as soon as I came back down from the mountain--I saw that life didn't change.  I wasn't really expecting it to.  It's still hard and I still have my issues.  However, it's like my pain had never been quite so blatantly exposed in front of me.  The difference is, though I wrestled with it for a while last night, I woke up tired and humbled this morning.  I need to accept my life and my pain.  And I think I am doing that as I sit here blogging about it.  I woke up this morning and called to mind truth that God is in it with me, working in me and bringing me to a place where I will see that it is worth it.  I don't know when that will be but I'm not trying to put a limit on it anymore. 

The paradoxical nature of acceptance is letting go of my need to get away from pain in order to bring God in.  Trusting in God then means that I'm not simply sitting here, but digging deeply into the root of my pain and working through it to find healing. 

With all that to say, I accept my life.  I accept my humility. I accept that restoration may happen, or may it not happen the way I want it to.  I accept that restoration may mean something completely unexpected.  I accept the unexpected.  I accept my pain and the sadness that comes with it from time to time.  I accept the not-so-ideals, the unfulfilled desires, the blessings in disguises, and the waiting.  I accept myself and who God has made me to be, even the parts that seem less desirable to others--especially to myself-- the parts that God is currently renewing and restoring. I accept that God is good amidst the pain, that He is present whether or not I acknowledge it.

I accept it all.

It is good.

Today, I sat outside a cafe in downtown Fullerton. I sat on a paisley cushion atop a white wicker chair, taking in the eclectic outdoor patio decoration at Cafe Veronese. I lazily sipped on coffee, in between bites of a decadent chocolate cake.  I let my eyes feast on the vines that grew along the fence,  and I giggled softly because I loved the sight of yellow flowers speckled throughout.  I listened to the fountain and let the sound of the water coax me into a more peaceful mood.  The sun gleamed softly, its warm light reflected by the white tiled table top, touched my face like a gentle kiss.  A gentle and cool breeze caressed my hair and the edges of my mustard yellow skirt.  The sky was clear and the clouds were like cotton balls, arranged messily in groups of threes and fours.

As I sat there, I marveled at my inner peace.  I felt genuinely thankful for life and that I could enjoy the little things.  That things like yellow flowers, chocolate cake and 74 degree weather still makes a substantial impact on my soul. 

The last 8 weeks or so have been, well--for lack of a better term--a doozy.  If you had told me that by week 10, I would be so relaxed and so peaceful, that I would be stuffing my face full of cake,  I probably wouldn't have believed you.  I might even have told you that you were effing crazy.

I guess it just goes to show that I am still one of little faith.  Well, it's a growing faith.  It's still quite miniscule.  But, I do see it growing stronger.  Getting bigger. More bold.  Less afraid.  And this peace that comes with it is most definitely a gift of grace, from God, who I am convinced today loves and cares about His people.  That He loves and cares about me.

It's not like I did anything extra special either.  Neither has much of my external situations changed--other than the fact that I'm mostly done with school projects/presentations.  There are still quite a few aspects in my life that are less than ideal. 

I think I realized this last Friday, that if Jesus can calm a raging storm and churning waves, if Jesus can still the mighty ocean, then His power is sufficient to bring about peace in whatever life situation I find myself in.   It's so good to see His power and His work within me.  Especially because I have not held back from showing Him/telling Him about what I truly think and feel about the crap that has happened. I feel like I really, truly wrestled with all that has been going on.  Being honest with myself and with other people.  It certainly has not been easy.  

As I sat there and ate my cake,  I thanked Him for listening.  I thanked Him for caring about my humanity and giving space for my emotions.  I thanked Him for helping me overcome my fears and for helping me see a side of surrender that I have never seen before.  I looked at where I've been and where I am now, in this place of substantial peace--I see that I have gained a better sense of what it means to trust God.  It's really amazing.  It's almost ineffable.

So yeah.  Today is a good day.  I want to enjoy it.

Lastly, I want to end with a verse that seems to make more sense to me now than it ever has before: 

"For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me." [Colossians 1:29]

Toodles.

Crack(ed) head

The mind is such an interesting, overlooked thing, in terms of how most people don't realize, how the way we think can really affect how we live our lives. Well, I guess it's only overlooked and ignored in some, if not most, conservative Christian circles. Or conservatives in general, like the baby boomer generation. What is their deal, anyway?

Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.

This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.

I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.

Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.

haha psychoanalyze that.

No sleep for 13.5 hours.

Overthinkers alike would probably agree that while we are reflective people, we are also kind of neuroticly negative & tirelessly critical. I almost envy the "glass half-full" individuals, who see the world through their rose-colored glasses and never think to dig deep or overturn anything that may come their way. Overthinkers may be more self-aware, but self-awareness may often slip into misery if allowed to run its course unchecked.

How nice it would be to just "be."
To not have to analyze every. single. minute. detail/emotion/day-to-day happenings.
To just be in the moment and love it. Love the people, the place, the thing that I'm in the moment with.
To don those rose-colored glasses and breathe in rainbows, and spew out glittering messages of happy-go-luckiness.

I reflect on this because the nurse that I am currently precepting with at Children's Hospital of Orange County spews nothing but hearts, rainbows and lucky stars. I spent 12 hours with her and she was a blast. Mostly because she is noticeable happy in a very genuine way. She may be blissfully ignorant, but I think she chooses to be that way. Or maybe she's not. Who knows? I just assumed that she was ignorant of life's troubles because I'm a jerk. Overthinkers, like me, are often cynical of people like her. The overanalyst in me wondered what sort of hidden pain she must be concealing from herself. Then I stopped myself. Who the hell cares? The woman is freakin' happy. Let her be happy. I realized that I could learn something from her.

I want to be a reflective, deep person. But a happy one. I guess I don't really want to be less self aware. But I guess I don't want my self-awareness to impede on the fact that I'm supposed to have joy exceeding from the depths of my soul. I don't think Jesus meant for me to be dwell on the negative. It's about time that I change that.

Life Quixotic

I find that the more I have to do in a week, the more time I spend blogging, daydreaming, facebooking, or taking myself out to a nice breakfast...

I woke up this morning and decided that I needed to have a solitary breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. I didn't even try to talk myself out of it. It just felt right. Thus, I drove over to the nearest Mimi's, sat myself down in a small two person booth and allowed the stresses and the cares of the day melt along with the butter on my deliciously warm carrot raisin nut muffin. Each bite was blissfully soothing for my weary soul.

Hah, weary. It's only Tuesday!

But if we look at the big picture, this feeling of tiredness is not just because of the stresses of this week, it's from the past 8 years of my life. Graduating come end of May means more than just receiving my bachelor's degree in nursing. And I am looking forward to not being a student for awhile.

Heart to head (and vice-versa).

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." [James 1: 2-4]

I remember mulling over this verse and giving this verse to others with the intention to encourage them without really understanding for myself what it means. In fact, I know I've said things like "joy will come from trials," or maybe telling others that trials are a "good thing" without believing it at all. But now, the older and more mature version of myself says: what human being is truly, instinctively, thankful when life decides to give out under them and they fall flat on their face?

God only knows.

And by the way, I don't think God is surprised when our hearts, or what we truly believe is disconnected to what we say or do (though we may very well surprise ourselves). In Hosea 6, God rebukes Israel and Judah, "What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? Your love is like a morning cloud, like the dew that goes early away." God could see deep into their hearts, and He knew that their love was fleeting, it was not that they were unfaithful to Him, but they had forsaken the knowledge of God and truth. And God tells him what He wants from them in verse 6, "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings." God wants his people to have the right hearts, ones that hold an affectionate knowledge of God, which fills the mind with reverence of his majesty, fear of his goodness, love of his holiness, trust in his promise, and submission to his will.

The amazing thing is that God's grace is unimaginably abundant and endless. In His mercy, He doesn't allow those who He loves to remain in a perpetual disconnect. And God does use trials, because trials provide a perfect medium for growth and has a way of nurturing the seeds of spiritual knowledge that have been sown by time spent reading scripture, or sitting under sound teaching. I imagine a "Jack and the Magic bean stalk" scenario: the magic beans of Christian faith and understanding, that have been planted in our hearts, grows and grows and grows amidst the strife and chaos of life until it reaches it's ultimate destination: our head. Not sure how the giant and the golden goose fits in to my analogy, so we're going to pretend like they're not part of the story...

Some personal application (and please know that I say the following things with tentative eagerness): This morning I realized that James 1:2-4 is no longer a strange and unwelcome enigma in my psyche. I no longer fear trials (or resent them) but welcome them as a necessary medium for my personal growth. I believe that I have entered into a season of deep, deep joy and satisfaction in who God is (I think I journal-ed about how I've come to this place a few weeks ago.) I am grateful to report that I am still inexplicably and deeply, happy. I do feel complete and lacking in nothing, amidst discomfort, stress and not-so ideal situations. More importantly, I would like to say this: I used to think, that in able to feel complete and be lacking in nothing, that I needed to be in a relationship or be married and/or that I need to be finished with school and have a steady income. It's amazing to me how I could say that I didn't need those things, even though my heart begged to differ.

The LORD has done amazing things in my life. I hope that this encourages you, dear reader. And I hope and pray that God continues to lead you into a deeper, fuller and less confusing knowledge of Him and His love for you.

Jesus loves the normal people.

This is, like, an unending point of discussion between me, my counselor/therapist, Jesus, and anyone within earshot when my mind boils over with the audacity of it all. I've probably blogged about this subject a million times: I would really love to break out of this mentality that only the super-spiritual ones get all of God's love (or is at least the ones who seem to be serving God the best in their obedience)...you know, the one's who read their bible twice a day and carry it around like it's their spiritual security blanket, or the one's who lead worship or are involved in ministry or church in umpteenth-billion ways, or the missionary woman who's admired so much for her celibate lifestyle and how she reaches out to Muslims in areas of the world that are considered "unsafe."

I honestly believe that 90% of Christians still don't understand, nor truly view God as an unconditional and loving God. 90% of Christians still have a hard time just...letting go of their lives and fully accepting their sinfulness and quirky personalities. I think their "buts" get in the way: "but God is Holy and perfect and He expects His people to live according to His standards," "but we're supposed to be set apart," "but shall we sin so that grace may abound," or "but we don't deserve anything good." and etc. While it's all true, I think people forget that they cannot change the true nature of who they are from the outside-in, that in order to truly be holy and set apart, we must allow God to change us from the inside-out. And while we don't deserve anything good, grace has nothing to do with what we do or didn't do. Dwelling on what we don't deserve certainly has a propensity to propel us to living life conditionally because of feelings of guilt, or maybe false humility (or pride) that won't allow ourselves to accept something that has nothing to do with our merit(s). And if we have to be neurotic about continually checking ourselves to make sure our motives are always right, or whether we're sinning or not... then that's just an exhausting way to live. It's definitely not what I think "freedom in Christ" means. But, more importantly, living that way possibly indicates that there's a serious disconnect in our minds about what grace truly is and maybe we think that we can actually be perfect...

I wrote a poem a couple of days ago trying to describe that thing that humans do because we have a hard time really facing and accepting our ugliness. I think we do eventually realize the enormous amounts of ugly we have in our lives and we find ourselves at a crossroad. We choose to either cover up our faults through various and elaborate ways, or we accept who we are and accept that God accepts us for who we are. It's easier said than done, I know, because this sort of acceptance is unnerving. To really trust that God will love us for who we are is a truly vulnerable place to be. It probably feels like standing naked in front of an auditorium filled with plastic surgeons. It's uncomfortable and yes, possibly awkward.

For the sake of sounding perfectly redundant, because He does love us, we merely have to allow ourselves to believe and let go that He will change us. And while followers of Jesus Christ certainly have their responsibility to be obedient, we also need to be honest with ourselves and with God. What relationship has ever been considered healthy and has flourished and grown in the presence of dishonesty and denial?

I just want to get it. And I want other people to get it so they can stop pressuring me and everyone else around them to act like they're perfect and "so spiritual." Obviously, I'm kind of cynical, so take this with a grain of salt. I just want people to be real with God and one another about their misfires and misconceptions. Thankfully, I have found myself in a situation where I do encounter the reality of trying to live for Jesus in this broken and fallen world. And even in this reality, I still have a hard time accepting God's love... but it is what it is.

I pray that His grace will grow more clearer to me as I stumble through the reality of His love. It's especially good to think about it this week, since it is "Holy Week." And when Sunday rolls around, I do hope that our joy is not contrived, but something deep and real, that Easter is not just a tradition, or "that thing that we do on Sunday right before the easter egg hunt." It's the freakin' resurrection of Christ, upon which all our hope is supposed to be dependent on.

Honesty is a two-headed monster.

to tell the truth is to reveal the full extent of my vulnerability.
and in my vulnerability, expose the vulnerabilities of others--
like the winds of a typhoon after the calm of the storm,
uprooting what was once thought to be firmly planted.

or

i can hide in the shadows of half-truths or half-lies,
to remain in the illusion that all is safe.
that all is good.
that all is well.

honesty is a two-headed monster,
it divides and consumes the seemingly unmolested,
and tortures the well-meaning intentions of virtue.

once awaken,
it cannot be tempered.
once awaken,
it will not sleep,
until its purpose has been completed,
it rages on...

and on...

and on...

Self-discovery

this may be an exercise in futility, but these last few months have been this quest to figure out who I really am. i think my search was spurned on by the realization that, for most of my life, i haven't really been true to the unique way that the LORD has created me. a lot of the things that i did, my likes/dislikes, my passions... all came from other people, or at least, what i thought other people wanted from me. in a lot of ways i feel like a child who's learning to gain her independence, ready to step out into the world and be the person that God intended her to be. i think these questions sum up the things that i've been thinking through lately:

1. Why am I here?
I am here because I was placed on this Earth with a purpose and with specific gifts: to be a caring, compassionate person, to be a caring, compassionate, nurse, to love and be loved, to use my gifts of mercy to extend grace to the broken, to use my musical abilities to write songs and share them with others, to use my insights to challenge other people, to use my intellect to be challenged by diversity and change.

2. What would I like to learn?
I would love to learn how to fully integrate the message of the Jesus Christ into practical living; to learn how to truly live freely and not live under the false dichotomy that i've somehow created in my mind. I would love to learn to not be hindered by fear of judgment from others, or worry about what people think. I would love to learn that I can trust people to be as genuine as they possibly can be in regards to accepting others unconditionally.

3. What brings me joy?
children, the promise of the end of suffering, a heart's understanding of God's unconditional love, chocolate, fried chicken, Cookie Monster, artists, art, polaroids, portraits, being in love, a crisp, cool, sunny day, HoneyRock, nature, chicken adobo (made by my father), playing Apples-to-Apples with my family, staring at the lake/ocean, blogging, my parents' filipino-isms (and sharing said filipino-isms with friends), happy endings in real life love stories, water bottles, the biola nursing program, the thought of becoming a pediatric nurse practioner, coffee, Fresh and Easy, Disneyland.

4. What am I most afraid of?
being rejected/left behind for being honest with others.
...never getting married.

5. What is one step I can take today to move closer to my "ideal" life?
I guess acknowledging that if I only live life in order to attain my "ideal" life, or a life that's only full of happiness, I become more prone to trying to "fix" things when they are less than ideal and dwelling in the unhappiness of the situations when I fail (to fix anything). The step that I can take today and everyday (and i wince as i say this because it sounds so cliche--even though it is so true and valuable) is to surrender my life wholly to God and to acknowledge His control and His goodness in the "unhappiness" of life. I must remind myself that God's idea of "good" is to test me in order to prove and improve my faith.