Self-discovery

this may be an exercise in futility, but these last few months have been this quest to figure out who I really am. i think my search was spurned on by the realization that, for most of my life, i haven't really been true to the unique way that the LORD has created me. a lot of the things that i did, my likes/dislikes, my passions... all came from other people, or at least, what i thought other people wanted from me. in a lot of ways i feel like a child who's learning to gain her independence, ready to step out into the world and be the person that God intended her to be. i think these questions sum up the things that i've been thinking through lately:

1. Why am I here?
I am here because I was placed on this Earth with a purpose and with specific gifts: to be a caring, compassionate person, to be a caring, compassionate, nurse, to love and be loved, to use my gifts of mercy to extend grace to the broken, to use my musical abilities to write songs and share them with others, to use my insights to challenge other people, to use my intellect to be challenged by diversity and change.

2. What would I like to learn?
I would love to learn how to fully integrate the message of the Jesus Christ into practical living; to learn how to truly live freely and not live under the false dichotomy that i've somehow created in my mind. I would love to learn to not be hindered by fear of judgment from others, or worry about what people think. I would love to learn that I can trust people to be as genuine as they possibly can be in regards to accepting others unconditionally.

3. What brings me joy?
children, the promise of the end of suffering, a heart's understanding of God's unconditional love, chocolate, fried chicken, Cookie Monster, artists, art, polaroids, portraits, being in love, a crisp, cool, sunny day, HoneyRock, nature, chicken adobo (made by my father), playing Apples-to-Apples with my family, staring at the lake/ocean, blogging, my parents' filipino-isms (and sharing said filipino-isms with friends), happy endings in real life love stories, water bottles, the biola nursing program, the thought of becoming a pediatric nurse practioner, coffee, Fresh and Easy, Disneyland.

4. What am I most afraid of?
being rejected/left behind for being honest with others.
...never getting married.

5. What is one step I can take today to move closer to my "ideal" life?
I guess acknowledging that if I only live life in order to attain my "ideal" life, or a life that's only full of happiness, I become more prone to trying to "fix" things when they are less than ideal and dwelling in the unhappiness of the situations when I fail (to fix anything). The step that I can take today and everyday (and i wince as i say this because it sounds so cliche--even though it is so true and valuable) is to surrender my life wholly to God and to acknowledge His control and His goodness in the "unhappiness" of life. I must remind myself that God's idea of "good" is to test me in order to prove and improve my faith.