What am I doing?

I don't mean to pose that question in a negative light.  I really am kind of wondering what is happening in my life right now.  It's a kind of wondering that involves meandering, thoughtful, consideration of the past couple of weeks and what I've been doing with my time.  Other than studying for the NCLEX--the biggest test of my life--I've mostly been hanging out with friends, soaking up the bit of time left that we have here together, taking advantage of the fact that we are still around the area and most importantly-- we don't really have actual responsibilities (i.e mortgage, marriages, car payments, children, etc.) 

I am kind of amused at how easy things seem to be going right now.  I wake up, study throughout the day, go to random exercise classes at the local 24 hr fitness (Zumba is my new favorite activity), or hang out with friends and watch movies (or play guitar hero), or play intense games of... Fishbowl.  I'm not complaining. This is NIIIIIIIICE. I'm even bobbing my head as I say it. 

Haha. I'm 26 years old, which I revealed to a new friend of mine who apparently thought I was 22 or 23. This came up because he asked me when I would want to get married--I didn't think anything of it, mostly because he seems like the kind of "dude" that just asks questions (plus, he's happily girlfriended).  I realized I was kind of disappointed that I had to admit how old I actually was.  I think I wanted him to keep thinking I was younger.

I guess hanging out with people who are a few years younger than me would make me slightly self-conscious about the fact that I'm 26.  But it really shouldn't. 

This is all correlated in someway...it's one big train of thought.  I think me being 26 and still kind of living the life of a "youngin" makes me wonder if I should be doing something more.... "mature."  I don't know.  Maybe I should just be thankful with where I'm at.  And I am.  I also believe that I am exactly where God wants me... so who cares what sort of internal judgment I'm projecting onto this situation right now? 

What do most 26 year olds do, anyway? 

Bah. Well, who cares.  I am enjoying myself and living life in a new way.  I feel really free.  And I'm excited for what's coming in these next few months...in the next year! At the same time,  I'm enjoying each day as it comes, too. I have a feeling I should soak up this season of my life.  Take it for what it is.

Crack(ed) head

The mind is such an interesting, overlooked thing, in terms of how most people don't realize, how the way we think can really affect how we live our lives. Well, I guess it's only overlooked and ignored in some, if not most, conservative Christian circles. Or conservatives in general, like the baby boomer generation. What is their deal, anyway?

Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.

This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.

I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.

Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.

haha psychoanalyze that.

No sleep for 13.5 hours.

Overthinkers alike would probably agree that while we are reflective people, we are also kind of neuroticly negative & tirelessly critical. I almost envy the "glass half-full" individuals, who see the world through their rose-colored glasses and never think to dig deep or overturn anything that may come their way. Overthinkers may be more self-aware, but self-awareness may often slip into misery if allowed to run its course unchecked.

How nice it would be to just "be."
To not have to analyze every. single. minute. detail/emotion/day-to-day happenings.
To just be in the moment and love it. Love the people, the place, the thing that I'm in the moment with.
To don those rose-colored glasses and breathe in rainbows, and spew out glittering messages of happy-go-luckiness.

I reflect on this because the nurse that I am currently precepting with at Children's Hospital of Orange County spews nothing but hearts, rainbows and lucky stars. I spent 12 hours with her and she was a blast. Mostly because she is noticeable happy in a very genuine way. She may be blissfully ignorant, but I think she chooses to be that way. Or maybe she's not. Who knows? I just assumed that she was ignorant of life's troubles because I'm a jerk. Overthinkers, like me, are often cynical of people like her. The overanalyst in me wondered what sort of hidden pain she must be concealing from herself. Then I stopped myself. Who the hell cares? The woman is freakin' happy. Let her be happy. I realized that I could learn something from her.

I want to be a reflective, deep person. But a happy one. I guess I don't really want to be less self aware. But I guess I don't want my self-awareness to impede on the fact that I'm supposed to have joy exceeding from the depths of my soul. I don't think Jesus meant for me to be dwell on the negative. It's about time that I change that.

A.D.H.D

I may be THE most...easily distracted, un-focused person that I know. Do you, beloved reader, want to know how I got to my blog and started writing this post? Well, it was purely unintentional and part of a tangled web of "sidetrackings" that originated from me trying to initiate a journal entry on my much neglected, Target-bought, leather-bound, private, for "Linell's Eyes Only" journal.

Let me retrace my steps that led me to this very moment: I opened my journal, which I haven't written in since December 6th, 2009 for various reasons--mainly avoidance-- and managed to write the date on the top right hand corner. All of a sudden, I remembered that I should write something in my planner (lest I forget), and as I opened to the specific date in question, I discovered a potential conflict! I, therefore, logged onto Facebook to write on my friend's wall, to let her know of the potential conflict and to ask if she could reschedule for a later time (I would phone her or text her, but since her return from Dublin, Ireland she has no access to a phone and Facebook has become her only connection to her friends/family). And as I was on facebook, I managed to see a friend's posting about a trip to Fresh & Easy, which reminded me of my new affinity for the lemon & cilantro hummus that I just purchased from that same grocery store this week. Of course, I felt like I needed to let the world know (and the fact that the name Fresh & Easy immediately causes me to hum Outkast's "So Fresh, So Clean" repeatedly in my head, or outloud, for an unknown length of time)--and I changed my facebook status to tell everyone that I loved lemon & cilantro hummus and it's bizarre connection to hip-hop in my mind. By the time I had finished my facebook status update, I remembered that a friend from Santa Barbara is coming to visit this weekend, so I wanted to look on his facebook to see what his plans were. This led me to a post from another friend, who had posted something on his facebook wall, announcing that she had a new blog. This made me think of my own blog and how I should add her to my list of "Blogs I read" but then managed to forget all that as I found the need to post something about my shameless distractibility and failure to stay focused on one task at hand.

Sigh. This is a common occurence in my life. It's 30% funny, but 70% frustrating and is a detriment to my desire to be a vessel of discipline and productivity. But, I'm not throwing my hat in just yet. No way, Mr. Jose. They always say that the first step to growth and change is realizing that there is a problem. And my friends, I have a HUGE problem.

Well, now that I'm all journaled out... I think it's time to post-pone my other journal entry (on my other journal) once again. Instead, I will indulge in some hummus and crackers and watch a few episodes of Smallville.

Thank you and goodnight.