Procrastination.

GUHHHHHHH.

I have a buttload that's due over the next few weeks.  And what am I doing?

Cleaning my room. Doing Laundry. Organizing the CD's in my car. Watching "Tangled." 

What should I be doing?
Academic Literature Survey (due Monday)
Calling medical agencies in Bell Gardens, CA for a community project that's due in 2 weeks
applying for nursing jobs
...among other things

I hate not being motivated just as much as I hate doing homework.  I'm most definitely not someone who puts a ton of effort into homework, especially when I would rather be having fun.  I often wonder how this is going to translate into day-to-day life for me.  In my defense, when I really want to do something or really interested in something, it's not work for me.  I hate school. I hate the busy work.  I just want to be free from all this.  Bring on the real world.

Ok. I'm done venting. Off to find research articles related to the ethics behind reporductive technologies so I can write a 5 page paper on it. I'm setting a goal for myself to have it done by today.  So I can have a time to just chill on Sunday and enjoy my 6 hour break between classes on Monday.

Ready. Set. GO!

[almost there]

eyes timid and apprehensive,
pupils delighted by
luminescent hues of refreshing moments.

modest claims of change,
leaves a joyful stain on a face
with cherubic enthusiasm.

Hope--a little worse for wear,
but never out of fashion.

The Civil Wars: Poison & Wine

I get to see these guys play Monday night @ Bardot in Hollywood. I am really excited.  This is currently my favorite song of theirs. It's just a very heartfelt song. I think we can all relate to some aspect of it--if we've ever felt the push and pull of finding ourselves in love with the wrong person...

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I still choose you

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will...

the presence of Absence.

currently playing: Merry Happy by Kate Nash


there is a sort of absence that feels relentlessly present.
maybe even persistent.

no amount of distance,
denial,
...or didacticism,
seems to make any difference--
there is no simple cure.

cliches cannot sweep
the oxymoron under
the subliminal rug.

[what to do, what to do.]
imagine a frantic,
manic,
search for something to
fix the undesired,

feeling(s).
[i.e scissors to cut the loose ends.]

perhaps the answer is
finding a sense of belonging,
in the uncertainty.

or maybe the answer could be found:
at the very bottom of a very large
flask of

sweet tea.

re: beauty & perspectives

maybe it is because my emotions are worn loosely on my sleeves,
and i am prone to think with my heart more often than my mind would like to admit
but i find beauty in the least expected places, it seems

i find beauty in perspectives,
i find beauty in the discomfort of differences,
in the ever present shades of gray, knitted firmly
in my life-like tapestry.

differences play a role in redefining, refining--faith.

those who think with their hearts despise logic,
those who think with their minds refuse their heart's cry...
which is right? is the other wrong?
there is redeeming beauty in remembering the tension,
--meant to keep the head and the heart in their proper places

soon enough, it won't matter the wrongness or the rightness of it all,
if the ground swallows them, or whether they are stunned with the parting of clouds,
revealing the brightness of the Son, who was destined to rule them all.

"I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened." [Fyodor Dostoevsky]

I wish...

...that my brain had an off button, so that i wouldn't have to think so much or too hard. or better yet: a filter button, so i would only think about the good things when life is hard, and the hard things when i'm strong enough;

...that God Himself would somehow extend His arms of love from Heaven, pick me up and hold me in His lap and tell me that everything is going to be ok...that what He does, whether easy or hard, has eternal value that makes it worth it to go through crap.

...thinking about the things unseen would make the things seen, less painful.

...that brocoli didn't make the kitchen smell like fart.

...that I could eat a million snickers bars without any serious repurcussions.

...that everyone would know how my brothers, Lenard & Lenny, make me laugh more than anyone else can, that being with them lift my spirits and make me feel like I belong somewhere.

What my heart wants to believe.

"...Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fulness all He takes away."

feeling sentimental is kind of confusing for my brain. it's like the halfway point between feeling depressed and being excited for what's to come... hmm. maybe being sentimental is really just feeling melancholy. or maybe i am neither. i just realized that i have not eaten anything at all today, which means that my blood sugar is pretty low, which can answer for why i am feeling mopy and grumpy.

gosh, i'm so glad that science can answer everything (or at least it answers questions on a more superficial level in order to avoid unearthing the deeper meanings.)

Before I shower...more public self-disclosure!

11:03am. and all-could-be-better-than-it-has-been. (i'm so tempted to explain what that means, but i'm going to go against my character norms and just leave it be. ack.)

I'm not going to sit here and try to paint a pretty picture about how life has been. To be more precise and to the point, it's been sort of sucky. But you know what? That doesn't mean that God's awesomeness can't be seen through all the suckiness of life. In fact, I see His grace and His faithfulness even more. I am even more drawn to Him. It's like I'm a moth, entranced by the glow of the flourescent light against the darkness of the night (wow, that rhymed and it wasn't intentional!)

And God knows I need this. I've never been so dependent on my Father. I find myself so often just calling out Jesus's name at various points, throughout the day. I never realized how much I love to say that name.

yeah, i love Jesus.

Day 5.

i think.
maybe i've lost count.
doesn't matter, the days seem to all blend together.

i realized that my earlier post seemed slightly grumpy. All things considered, I'm really not that grumpy, I was just tired and when I'm tired, I say things more bluntly.

I talked to my dad today to tell him that I cut my credit card because the darn thing was causing me trouble. My dad's response was not the "good for you from running away from Satan's foothold over your life," response that I was expecting, though, his response didn't surprise me either. He said, in a very LOUD tone, over the phone: "WHAT? What if there is an emergency? What are you going to do? You don't need to cut up your credit card, you just need to learn to control yourself. You are impulsive, you need to learn to not be that way!"

oh, Dad, if you only knew.

Thus far, today has been a good reminder that I am human. My dad's point is valid. Emergencies, financial ones, do tend to happen from time to time. A credit card could come in handy for such emergencies. I guess I thought about that, but filed that thought under "lame excuses."

Oy vey.

I wrote a song (or started to, anyway) a few days ago and the chorus kind of really speaks to the situation at hand:

Cause we're young and naive,
and made to believe that
we've got it all figured out.
But ironically, it's quite opposite,
and we'll be learning till the
day that we die.

Duty, dooty, doodie.

I'm on duty. Which means that I sit in the RA office for three hours and do things like...blog, or play songs on the gee-tar with Grace Mears about God and how AWESOME and AMAZING He is. (Yeah, I know, I've got my work cut out for me.)

Our staff just a got new computer (a Mac, of course) and I'm enjoying the new-ness of the new keyboard and how the keys feel like little sponges underneath my finger tips. I love typing on this keyboard. It's quite therapeutic. One of those simple joys in life that is often taken for granted. And at this season in my life, I feel like I need to take advantage of things like this.

This past week has been a week of profound...revelations. That mostly means, I'm discovering more things that I need to "fix" about myself. Actually, they're "nothing new under the sun." I guess I'm just seeing my faults with an entirely new perspective. Oy vey.

In light of recent events, I have, unfortunately, seen how impatient/impulsive I can be. It's a little scary, I must admit. I liken it to...jumping from not-quite-point-A to WAY past point-B, hitting a wall (or God's hand of grace), then falling so flat on my face, that I am unable to stand up under my foolish decisions, forcing me to crawl back, while dragging my face through the dirt, to point A.

Yeah, talk about a humbling realization. It's not fun, but I know it is necessary so that I am more aware of it. Though I can't say that I'm cured of my impatient nature (drats!), but I am praying about it (lightbulb: even the process of learning to be more patient is a...process that takes patience! And a lot of it! Ah!).

And in correlation to me "jumping the gun," I also see the danger in not being present in the process of getting to point B from point A. This happens more often than not. Especially, when doing homework. Which is probably why I don't retain as much as I should. And it's probably why I'm not as diligent as I should be either. Ayayay.

I understand that the root of my impatience is in how small I'm making God to be. I say I trust Him, but often times, my actions do not reflect that. Ouch. Thank goodness that God's posture is redemption. He loves to be merciful. And ironically, it is by His mercy and grace that I am continually sanctified (i.e. made holy, to become more like His Son, Jesus.) And I'm not going to lie, or pretend that this is easy. Sanctification can be quite a painful and jolting experience. Especially when it affects, or involves, other people. Sometimes, I think sanctification is like a bulldozer for one's character flaws. It'll demolish anything and everything in it's path. It's important to get the ugly things out of the way, in order to build, newer and better buildings. And God is..building...up our character. He wants to make us better people. (Hmm..yeah, I may need to work on that analogy a little more, but I'm hoping you get my drift.)

Oh yes, but sanctification is such a good thing, despite the inner turmoil, loss of appetite and feelings of nausea (yes, I'm serious!). All of these factors make me need and depend on God all the more! And oh, how I do need Him. Instead of gazing fully at my Father's beautiful face, I had turned my head away, and was only looking at Him through the corner of my eye. I had been, in some ways, unfaithful to Him. It is important that I understand that.

How could I forget that Jesus is my treasure? That He is my true love? That sounds cheesy, but it's the truth. Maybe I need to remember what it's like to be IN love with Jesus. Not "in love" like romantic love, but something much more than that. Something less...materialistic and...more eternal.

Wow, that's a lot to say.

I need to get to bed. I'm sleepy. But I will end with this amazing hymn:

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly Friend.

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake

To guide the future, as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul; when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkened in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe they sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the LORD.

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, loves' purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past

All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last.

Phlegm.

feeling pensive
may be quite expensive,
or tasking even, for
one's heart.

for the art of waiting,
is not merely
passive serenity,
but an active
participation
in patience.

and patience, in itself,
is founded on
dutifully seeking
wisdom and
peace...

striving to find the light,
the darkest of places.

the Waiting

it's like...
trying to spread crunchy peanut butter on a slice of un-toasted Wonderbread,
or
buying a pair of new flats that you're hoping will match your new blue dress,
or
the moments between sleep and consciousness spent in anticipation of the alarm clock going off,
...or...
sitting by the phone for no apparent reason.

[edit: i love karaoke. Especially after Bible Study on Tuesday nights. And most especially when Dave Ashjian is singing "Oops, I did it again."]

(die-hard fans)

You are my sunshine.

hmmm.