If my life, at this point and time, could be compared to anything, anything at all, I would compare it to “The Wizard of Oz,” minus the encounter with the Munchkins and the witches. I’m having an “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” experience. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing in “Oz.” The purpose has yet to be fully revealed to me and that can be quite frustrating.God is the Wizard that I must seek in order to find answers, in order to find my way back to “Kansas.” Even amidst my most formidable trial, yet, I know that God is very real. I know that He is sovereign. His existence is not a mere demonstration of the capability of man’s inventiveness, but He is, without a doubt, a being of objectiveness. No matter what state my heart is in, He is there. No matter how much I may choose to not acknowledge Him, I know that I can’t wish God away. I can’t even escape talking about Him. It’s something that just happens.
So God is there. Waiting for me, at the end of the yellow brick road. It took Dorothy an hour or so to get there, but I think it will take me a little longer. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel that this journey is too big for me. I’ve grown anxious, not knowing where this “road” will lead me. I know it will lead me to God but I don’t think it will take me back to “Kansas.” That’s not my home anymore.
Showing posts with label Blast from the Past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blast from the Past. Show all posts
2.1.10
The Beginning
a journal entry, titled Oz, written on May 31, 2007:
23.11.09
five years ago, today
Every once in awhile, I like to revisit my xanga blog and read things that I wrote when I was 19.
Today, this is what I found:
I applied for the nursing program at Fresno State and as the story goes, I didn't get in. Yes, it did have a lot to do with my GPA, and yes, I was pretty devastated--as were my parents--for far longer than 2 weeks, when I didn't get in. But that's what prompted me to look for other options. I didn't go to Biola right away. I waited another semester or so, I think.
The really interesting thing about this particular entry is the fact that I started out the entry with admitting what my heart's desire was. Hah. Sometimes, in the midst of all the busy-ness and the stress of nursing school now, I forget how much I wanted all of this more than anything. I wanted it so bad that it hurt--which is probably why I felt so devastated when I didn't get in a program the first, second or third time that I applied (the third time I applied was during my first year at Biola. I didn't get in then, either). When I applied for the fourth time, I was already ready to give up. I had no hope that I was getting into nursing at all. I didn't know what to do. It seemed mean that God would give me such a strong desire, only to have it be unfulfilled. I doubted what I thought was my calling. I felt so lost. I questioned God a lot, saying to Him, "LORD, how could I want something this much only to be disappointed time and time again? If I'm not supposed to be a nurse, then take this desire away."
But I did get in... after the fourth time! And now I'm finishing up the third semester of the nursing program, and I only have three more semesters to go!
I really needed to read my xanga entry today. I'm thankful that I developed the habit of public self-disclosure at an early age, because I can look back and remind (or surprise) myself of what's true and see so clearly how God is working in my life--inspite of myself and my failures! How quickly I forget those truths. Thankfully, they become less of a cliche when I actually experience these things in my life.
And today I am reminded to keep hoping in God and to keep believing that He does grant us the desires of our hearts--but only in His perfect timing, with the purpose of accomplishing something within us that He can only do through the seasons of various trials. Most importantly, we must wait. Anything good that God has in store for us is worth waiting for. Biola was worth waiting for. Being here has been an incredible blessing in my life, an important milestone for my faith.
Thank You, Jesus.
Today, this is what I found:
if someone were to ask me what the one thing in the world that i really really REALLY want (as of now), my heart's desire?.... my answer? to get in the nursing program next fall. if i don't get in...i know i could always apply elsewhere... and life will move on...but i'd be devastated for about 2 weeks...maybe longer... maybe forever! hah hah hah kidding. admission is solely based on GPA status...minimum is 3.0 but the lowest GPA they accepted last semester was a 3.35.the fact that i know i could've gotten better grades in certain classes... is bugging me right now. it's too late to look back and wish that i studied and done better on tests. What good is my faith if i slack off and not do my best? YEAH. exactly. like that verse in James... "Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." [James 2:17] |
I applied for the nursing program at Fresno State and as the story goes, I didn't get in. Yes, it did have a lot to do with my GPA, and yes, I was pretty devastated--as were my parents--for far longer than 2 weeks, when I didn't get in. But that's what prompted me to look for other options. I didn't go to Biola right away. I waited another semester or so, I think.
The really interesting thing about this particular entry is the fact that I started out the entry with admitting what my heart's desire was. Hah. Sometimes, in the midst of all the busy-ness and the stress of nursing school now, I forget how much I wanted all of this more than anything. I wanted it so bad that it hurt--which is probably why I felt so devastated when I didn't get in a program the first, second or third time that I applied (the third time I applied was during my first year at Biola. I didn't get in then, either). When I applied for the fourth time, I was already ready to give up. I had no hope that I was getting into nursing at all. I didn't know what to do. It seemed mean that God would give me such a strong desire, only to have it be unfulfilled. I doubted what I thought was my calling. I felt so lost. I questioned God a lot, saying to Him, "LORD, how could I want something this much only to be disappointed time and time again? If I'm not supposed to be a nurse, then take this desire away."
But I did get in... after the fourth time! And now I'm finishing up the third semester of the nursing program, and I only have three more semesters to go!
I really needed to read my xanga entry today. I'm thankful that I developed the habit of public self-disclosure at an early age, because I can look back and remind (or surprise) myself of what's true and see so clearly how God is working in my life--inspite of myself and my failures! How quickly I forget those truths. Thankfully, they become less of a cliche when I actually experience these things in my life.
And today I am reminded to keep hoping in God and to keep believing that He does grant us the desires of our hearts--but only in His perfect timing, with the purpose of accomplishing something within us that He can only do through the seasons of various trials. Most importantly, we must wait. Anything good that God has in store for us is worth waiting for. Biola was worth waiting for. Being here has been an incredible blessing in my life, an important milestone for my faith.
Thank You, Jesus.
18.12.08
five years ago, today.
Inspired by my friend, Carissa, who un-earthed a blog entry from weblog past, I decided to log in to my first online journal--ever-- on xanga (username: QueenAngelPinHeart) to read...stuff. Five years ago, exactly on this date--incidentally, also a Thursday-- this is what I wrote:
"Someone who thinks I'm great, even though I feel sleazy?!" Yeah. Uh, yeah. A little painful to read. I laughed a lot so it's ok if you laugh a lot, too. Hey, I was 18 years old! I was an 18 year old who, apparently, did not fully understand the word "sleazy," or at least, how to use it in the proper context. But hey, maybe I was a little sleazy back then. HAHA. Oh man. And who the heck was I thinking about when I was writing my sappy little poem? Nevermind. Maybe I don't want to remember.
It is interesting to see, however mushy or starry-eyed I was about love or falling in love, I still recognized that in all my longing, I should long the most for Jesus. Obviously, I had absolutely NO clue what that meant when I was 18. I'm barely grasping the concept now, as a 23 year old, about to turn 24--in a month! AH!
i wish i had someone to look pretty for.
someone to get butterflies in my stomach for.
someone to think about... hmmm maybe every other day.
someone that feels the same way.
someone to hold my hand.
someone who'll understand, even when it's hard
someone that i can serve and lift up
someone that i can't give up.
someone who'll hold me when things aren't so easy
someone who thinks i'm great, even though i feel sleazy
but as i think about all those things that i had written
i find that i should already be smitten
because Jesus is all those things and more
i don't know why i have to keep on searching
"Someone who thinks I'm great, even though I feel sleazy?!" Yeah. Uh, yeah. A little painful to read. I laughed a lot so it's ok if you laugh a lot, too. Hey, I was 18 years old! I was an 18 year old who, apparently, did not fully understand the word "sleazy," or at least, how to use it in the proper context. But hey, maybe I was a little sleazy back then. HAHA. Oh man. And who the heck was I thinking about when I was writing my sappy little poem? Nevermind. Maybe I don't want to remember.
It is interesting to see, however mushy or starry-eyed I was about love or falling in love, I still recognized that in all my longing, I should long the most for Jesus. Obviously, I had absolutely NO clue what that meant when I was 18. I'm barely grasping the concept now, as a 23 year old, about to turn 24--in a month! AH!
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