I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?" I responded by asking what he meant by that. He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff." I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars. I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.
I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants. Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like. Often, these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me). I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom. When life is tough, anything else is pure crap. Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me: God is predictably good. He saves and redeems. He is not cruel and unjust. He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.
In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality. That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work. I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.
I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender. However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful. I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option. A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.
I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so. I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different. I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around. He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him. And I hope the same goes for me. I mean, I think it's a double edged sword. I know people will be judgmental either way. It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world." Whatever.
Showing posts with label Thinking outside the box.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thinking outside the box.. Show all posts
1.3.12
23.6.11
More thoughts on self-disclosure...
I think public self-disclosure can be looked at as either glass half-empty or glass half-full...
I've been contemplating for some time now if it's necessarily a "bad" or "unwise" thing to be so open about my personal experiences in walking this life of faith. I admit that my propensity to share what is going on in my life is an ineffable sort of inclination. I honestly feel that I have to share, that it's somehow knitted very strategically into the person that God has made me to be.
In some circles, self-disclosure is totally and completely accepted, or at least, not as abhored or viewed as distasteful. However, I do think that most well-meaning Christians are socialized to view it as a foolish thing. That emotions are to be disregarded and thrown out, or dumped out, like waste-products, instead of looking at them, sharing them, trying to see where they come from. Then again, most well-meaning Christians don't value the process of self-examination and will go to great lengths to avoid looking at their sin issues in a more microscopic and meaningful way. Not to completely digress, but in regards to the process of self-examination, I think overgeneralizing sin and our struggles as human beings--and not giving respect to the roots and causes of our specific struggles--is actually a clever and unintentional way, Christians have used to avoid themselves, or the uglyness of who they really are. How can we truly appreciate the cross of Christ and what He died for, if we don't truly see who He actually died for? I feel like we only tap the surface sometimes because we're afraid of what we might see. It's understandable. The Bible does say that we are depraved beings.
Anyway. I do see the pitfalls of public self-disclosure. There is a degree of oversharing that is, in fact, weird. But does it deserve judgment? No, I don't think so. Do people who overshare want attention? Yeah. But like everything else that we do, there is an underlying reason for why we do what we do. People who share want to be seen, which I believe is a basic human need. Who doesn't want to be noticed and given affirmation for who they are? Christians seek out God and we want to be seen by Him. It's not wrong to want that or acknowledge that it is a need. We are children of a most High God and like children, we want to be seen. Even Hagar acknowledges this in Genesis 16:13, as she sat in the desert, because a jealous Sarah ran her out of her house--for having the audacity to actually get pregnant with Abraham's child (though it was Sarah's idea to have them sleep together in the first place). But God meets Hagar in the wilderness, amidst her pain and troubles and blesses her. And her response is so beautiful, "You are a God of seeing,' for she said, 'Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."
Ok, I digressed again. Sorry. So yes, people who view self-disclosure as a way to only get attention and affirmation from others aren't completely off base. But again, I don't think it's necessarily wrong. And I think that some people may judge self-disclosure because they themselves don't understand it. We reject what we don't understand. On the other hand, people who refuse to share their personal stories and their emotions have their own underlying reasons for keeping it to themselves. Maybe it's fear. Fear of judgment. Fear of rejection. Or maybe it's pride. A refusal to show weakness, or admit weakness. Or maybe it's ignorance. Some may be completely unaware of their own crap, so they have nothing to share. I think it's important to know why we share or don't share because I believe the way that people share with others directly affect how they share their lives with God. And He of all people deserves our transparency...
Clearly, I am biased towards a more transparent way of living. Again, part of me feels like I just can't help it, sometimes. I see how God is moving and working in my life and I don't think He wants me to just keep it to myself. There are times that I share because I seek solace in the company of others, the comfort of people who care and love me. When it's a more generalized audience, I think I share because I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggle and in a way, I think I am seeking affirmation for myself that I'm not alone, either.
Whatever the case may be, I sincerely believe that there is more eternal value in being sincere and transparent with others, than not. Not that it's easy. Because it's not.
Toodles.
I've been contemplating for some time now if it's necessarily a "bad" or "unwise" thing to be so open about my personal experiences in walking this life of faith. I admit that my propensity to share what is going on in my life is an ineffable sort of inclination. I honestly feel that I have to share, that it's somehow knitted very strategically into the person that God has made me to be.
In some circles, self-disclosure is totally and completely accepted, or at least, not as abhored or viewed as distasteful. However, I do think that most well-meaning Christians are socialized to view it as a foolish thing. That emotions are to be disregarded and thrown out, or dumped out, like waste-products, instead of looking at them, sharing them, trying to see where they come from. Then again, most well-meaning Christians don't value the process of self-examination and will go to great lengths to avoid looking at their sin issues in a more microscopic and meaningful way. Not to completely digress, but in regards to the process of self-examination, I think overgeneralizing sin and our struggles as human beings--and not giving respect to the roots and causes of our specific struggles--is actually a clever and unintentional way, Christians have used to avoid themselves, or the uglyness of who they really are. How can we truly appreciate the cross of Christ and what He died for, if we don't truly see who He actually died for? I feel like we only tap the surface sometimes because we're afraid of what we might see. It's understandable. The Bible does say that we are depraved beings.
Anyway. I do see the pitfalls of public self-disclosure. There is a degree of oversharing that is, in fact, weird. But does it deserve judgment? No, I don't think so. Do people who overshare want attention? Yeah. But like everything else that we do, there is an underlying reason for why we do what we do. People who share want to be seen, which I believe is a basic human need. Who doesn't want to be noticed and given affirmation for who they are? Christians seek out God and we want to be seen by Him. It's not wrong to want that or acknowledge that it is a need. We are children of a most High God and like children, we want to be seen. Even Hagar acknowledges this in Genesis 16:13, as she sat in the desert, because a jealous Sarah ran her out of her house--for having the audacity to actually get pregnant with Abraham's child (though it was Sarah's idea to have them sleep together in the first place). But God meets Hagar in the wilderness, amidst her pain and troubles and blesses her. And her response is so beautiful, "You are a God of seeing,' for she said, 'Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."
Ok, I digressed again. Sorry. So yes, people who view self-disclosure as a way to only get attention and affirmation from others aren't completely off base. But again, I don't think it's necessarily wrong. And I think that some people may judge self-disclosure because they themselves don't understand it. We reject what we don't understand. On the other hand, people who refuse to share their personal stories and their emotions have their own underlying reasons for keeping it to themselves. Maybe it's fear. Fear of judgment. Fear of rejection. Or maybe it's pride. A refusal to show weakness, or admit weakness. Or maybe it's ignorance. Some may be completely unaware of their own crap, so they have nothing to share. I think it's important to know why we share or don't share because I believe the way that people share with others directly affect how they share their lives with God. And He of all people deserves our transparency...
Clearly, I am biased towards a more transparent way of living. Again, part of me feels like I just can't help it, sometimes. I see how God is moving and working in my life and I don't think He wants me to just keep it to myself. There are times that I share because I seek solace in the company of others, the comfort of people who care and love me. When it's a more generalized audience, I think I share because I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggle and in a way, I think I am seeking affirmation for myself that I'm not alone, either.
Whatever the case may be, I sincerely believe that there is more eternal value in being sincere and transparent with others, than not. Not that it's easy. Because it's not.
Toodles.
12.1.11
On Sin and Digging Trenches
Since I've been on vacation and I have nothing imminent or pressing to attend to in the mornings, I find myself laying in bed, trying to unravel, or solve, life's mysteries within the first hour of my awakening.
This morning was no different.
My alarm went of at 9:00 but I was well awake before then, thinking about my life and random aspects of it. And while I was laying there thinking, the idea of sin floated through my mind. What is sin? And what ignoring sin or pretending like something isn't a sin can do for a person's soul. I pictured a determined scruffy young man, digging a trench in the country side somewhere. I don't know why he's digging this trench, but he's determined to get to something or maybe to escape from some unwelcomed unhappiness that has recently entered into his life. Somehow, in his toil and sweat, he finds satisfaction in the digging and as he gets deeper into his trench, in his mind, he's productively escaping from whatever it is that he's running from. However, as he digs deeper, he realizes that he's dug himself a hole that he can't climb out of. And he tries for sometime. But the dirt walls of this trench crumble apart as he tries to find his footing. Eventually he gives up. He sits there, at the bottom of his trench, feeling more hopeless and forgotten than he ever has before. He begins to think that death would be better than sitting alone in the darkness.
I've come to realize that living according to God's standards extends beyond the Ten Commandments (thou shalt not lie, or covet your neighbor's plasma screen, or steal it, etc). I think God gave Moses the Ten Commandments as a prototype, or model, a bullet point summary, if you will, of what God really wants out of His people--which is absolute devotion to Him. I am 99% sure that God wants me to find my happiness and joy in Him. I know that God wants me to include Him in my daily life, to be at the center of every big life changing decision, to spend most of my time thinking about Him, and to love Him more than I love anything else in this world, including my family, my significant other (if I had one), my friends and most especially, myself. And I know that He also wants me to treat other people well because He made them and thus I should respect and give worth to what He's created.
So, then, in light of all this, what is sin? The best and most sincere definition I can come up with right now is that it is an action, that begins with a thought that seeks to serve myself and causes harm to myself, my relationship with God and/or with other people. Furthermore, I think the issue of sin goes deeper, goes beyond just the act. Like the trench digger, I believe that people find themselves "in sin" when life becomes less ideal, or find that waiting on God's timing, or believing that God is good, seems pointless at a particular juncture in time. Sin begins as an impulse, when shovel first meets dirt--whether it's in rebellion or impatience, or hopelessness that leads to self-destruction.
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago at an Irish pub in Santa Barbara when I visited a friend for her birthday. He bought me a snakebite (pear cider and beer) and we proceeded to engage in a light-hearted conversation that quickly became a more deep and meaningful one. He told me that he used to recruit strippers for a local strip club, which was an interesting conversation in and of itself, but he immediately followed that by telling me that he was perpetually drunk. He asked me why I thought he was always drunk. I looked at him for a few seconds and said, "is there something about your life that you don't want to think about?" He smiled and raised his fist in air and said, "I hate my fuckin' life! It's pretty shitty. And my mind never stops thinking so I just drink till I'm happy." I told him that that made sense. People around us, raised their glasses. Of course, those who laughed and agreed with him were having a horrible week, too. One guy in particular said that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him on Christmas day and also tried to run him over with her car. He bought shots for everyone before he stumbled out of the pub to the next.
Humans, no matter how christian we are, cannot help ourselves from falling into sin, or digging our trenches. Especially, when we engage this broken world and entangle ourselves with broken people. I am not much different from those two guys I met at the bar. I get it. I know that the only thing holding me back from getting drunk off my ass is something supernatural, which is an overactive conscience, i.e. the Holy Spirit. So, that's one trench that I have yet to start digging, not to say that I haven't started several. I am an impatient, impulsive and selfish person after all. I know that sin becomes such a tantalizing option when the waiting gets too long, or when life is too overwhelming to engage or participate in, or when people are hurtful.
Sin is sin and it is the very reason why God sent Jesus Christ to die on the Cross, to pay the death penalty that sinning against God requires. And because of this great act of mercy, there is always hope for sinners like me: God's grace is the ladder that comes down into my trenches and helps me climb out of it. And His love is what welcomes me back home with a hug and warm cup of chamomille tea. Mmm.
I know that I've lived the majority of my Christian life, trying not to sin. But I've recently thrown that template for life out of the proverbial window because a human being simply cannot just NOT sin. If we could just stop, then Jesus wouldn't have had to make the ultimate sacrifice. Contrary to popular belief, becoming a Christian does not make one less human, if anything it makes one more aware of their humanity. This is not to say that Christians shouldn't try to leave our shovels in the tool shed, if you know what I mean. But that's what this whole Christianity thing is about, choosing to live for God and believe that He is good and that He loves me, instead of choosing to throw caution to the wind, to seek after things that last about as long as an impulse. It's trusting that His options are better than my options, that they promote a much more healthy outlook on life. That waking up and remembering that I have been blessed with so much is less depressing, and more productive than dwelling on how lonely I feel. That being sober is much healthier than being drunk. That waiting to have sex until I'm married will significantly decease the emotional turmoil and heartache in my life that would surely come, if I share such an intimate moment with other men. That spending time reading about Him is much more enriching for my soul than wasting the day away, intentionally avoiding it.
That life is meant to be lived intentionally seeking after and enjoying the presence of a good God, no matter our circumstance, and remembering His grace and forgiveness when we feel like our faith is small and our doubts are overpowering.
This morning was no different.
My alarm went of at 9:00 but I was well awake before then, thinking about my life and random aspects of it. And while I was laying there thinking, the idea of sin floated through my mind. What is sin? And what ignoring sin or pretending like something isn't a sin can do for a person's soul. I pictured a determined scruffy young man, digging a trench in the country side somewhere. I don't know why he's digging this trench, but he's determined to get to something or maybe to escape from some unwelcomed unhappiness that has recently entered into his life. Somehow, in his toil and sweat, he finds satisfaction in the digging and as he gets deeper into his trench, in his mind, he's productively escaping from whatever it is that he's running from. However, as he digs deeper, he realizes that he's dug himself a hole that he can't climb out of. And he tries for sometime. But the dirt walls of this trench crumble apart as he tries to find his footing. Eventually he gives up. He sits there, at the bottom of his trench, feeling more hopeless and forgotten than he ever has before. He begins to think that death would be better than sitting alone in the darkness.
I've come to realize that living according to God's standards extends beyond the Ten Commandments (thou shalt not lie, or covet your neighbor's plasma screen, or steal it, etc). I think God gave Moses the Ten Commandments as a prototype, or model, a bullet point summary, if you will, of what God really wants out of His people--which is absolute devotion to Him. I am 99% sure that God wants me to find my happiness and joy in Him. I know that God wants me to include Him in my daily life, to be at the center of every big life changing decision, to spend most of my time thinking about Him, and to love Him more than I love anything else in this world, including my family, my significant other (if I had one), my friends and most especially, myself. And I know that He also wants me to treat other people well because He made them and thus I should respect and give worth to what He's created.
So, then, in light of all this, what is sin? The best and most sincere definition I can come up with right now is that it is an action, that begins with a thought that seeks to serve myself and causes harm to myself, my relationship with God and/or with other people. Furthermore, I think the issue of sin goes deeper, goes beyond just the act. Like the trench digger, I believe that people find themselves "in sin" when life becomes less ideal, or find that waiting on God's timing, or believing that God is good, seems pointless at a particular juncture in time. Sin begins as an impulse, when shovel first meets dirt--whether it's in rebellion or impatience, or hopelessness that leads to self-destruction.
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago at an Irish pub in Santa Barbara when I visited a friend for her birthday. He bought me a snakebite (pear cider and beer) and we proceeded to engage in a light-hearted conversation that quickly became a more deep and meaningful one. He told me that he used to recruit strippers for a local strip club, which was an interesting conversation in and of itself, but he immediately followed that by telling me that he was perpetually drunk. He asked me why I thought he was always drunk. I looked at him for a few seconds and said, "is there something about your life that you don't want to think about?" He smiled and raised his fist in air and said, "I hate my fuckin' life! It's pretty shitty. And my mind never stops thinking so I just drink till I'm happy." I told him that that made sense. People around us, raised their glasses. Of course, those who laughed and agreed with him were having a horrible week, too. One guy in particular said that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him on Christmas day and also tried to run him over with her car. He bought shots for everyone before he stumbled out of the pub to the next.
Humans, no matter how christian we are, cannot help ourselves from falling into sin, or digging our trenches. Especially, when we engage this broken world and entangle ourselves with broken people. I am not much different from those two guys I met at the bar. I get it. I know that the only thing holding me back from getting drunk off my ass is something supernatural, which is an overactive conscience, i.e. the Holy Spirit. So, that's one trench that I have yet to start digging, not to say that I haven't started several. I am an impatient, impulsive and selfish person after all. I know that sin becomes such a tantalizing option when the waiting gets too long, or when life is too overwhelming to engage or participate in, or when people are hurtful.
Sin is sin and it is the very reason why God sent Jesus Christ to die on the Cross, to pay the death penalty that sinning against God requires. And because of this great act of mercy, there is always hope for sinners like me: God's grace is the ladder that comes down into my trenches and helps me climb out of it. And His love is what welcomes me back home with a hug and warm cup of chamomille tea. Mmm.
I know that I've lived the majority of my Christian life, trying not to sin. But I've recently thrown that template for life out of the proverbial window because a human being simply cannot just NOT sin. If we could just stop, then Jesus wouldn't have had to make the ultimate sacrifice. Contrary to popular belief, becoming a Christian does not make one less human, if anything it makes one more aware of their humanity. This is not to say that Christians shouldn't try to leave our shovels in the tool shed, if you know what I mean. But that's what this whole Christianity thing is about, choosing to live for God and believe that He is good and that He loves me, instead of choosing to throw caution to the wind, to seek after things that last about as long as an impulse. It's trusting that His options are better than my options, that they promote a much more healthy outlook on life. That waking up and remembering that I have been blessed with so much is less depressing, and more productive than dwelling on how lonely I feel. That being sober is much healthier than being drunk. That waiting to have sex until I'm married will significantly decease the emotional turmoil and heartache in my life that would surely come, if I share such an intimate moment with other men. That spending time reading about Him is much more enriching for my soul than wasting the day away, intentionally avoiding it.
That life is meant to be lived intentionally seeking after and enjoying the presence of a good God, no matter our circumstance, and remembering His grace and forgiveness when we feel like our faith is small and our doubts are overpowering.
9.1.11
Unravel
a soul can be a never-ending
line of knots and twisted things
formed into a noose,
to threaten the livelihood of one
man's being
a soul may never know
the wide open spaces
it was meant to roam,
falling into the depths
of fear,
before it can make its way home
a soul may never know
fully the vastness of its Creator,
as it fashions for itself
rules and regulations,
subjecting itself to
shallow externalizations
a soul is meant to seek its
Master, unhinged and unhindered
from the threats of the former
misgivings and
misconstructions,
lies and contradictions,
unexamined proclamations,
of truths without contemplation,
of the implication
of truth's real meaning.
a soul is meant to be meaningful,
and full of life,
a reflection of the One,
who breathes life
into being.
line of knots and twisted things
formed into a noose,
to threaten the livelihood of one
man's being
a soul may never know
the wide open spaces
it was meant to roam,
falling into the depths
of fear,
before it can make its way home
a soul may never know
fully the vastness of its Creator,
as it fashions for itself
rules and regulations,
subjecting itself to
shallow externalizations
a soul is meant to seek its
Master, unhinged and unhindered
from the threats of the former
misgivings and
misconstructions,
lies and contradictions,
unexamined proclamations,
of truths without contemplation,
of the implication
of truth's real meaning.
a soul is meant to be meaningful,
and full of life,
a reflection of the One,
who breathes life
into being.
7.12.10
Crack(ed) head
The mind is such an interesting, overlooked thing, in terms of how most people don't realize, how the way we think can really affect how we live our lives. Well, I guess it's only overlooked and ignored in some, if not most, conservative Christian circles. Or conservatives in general, like the baby boomer generation. What is their deal, anyway?
Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.
This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.
I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.
Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.
haha psychoanalyze that.
Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.
This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.
I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.
Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.
haha psychoanalyze that.
5.12.10
Better?
"When I have really transacted business with God on the basis of His covenant, letting everything else go, there is no sense of personal achievement— no human ingredient in it at all. Instead, there is a complete overwhelming sense of being brought into union with God, and my life is transformed and radiates peace and joy." [Oswald Chambers]
Reflecting on my life feels so much more productive than studying the ins and outs of Quality Care Management in the nursing profession. Don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is important. I just feel overwhelmed with everything else that's going on in my mind. I need to vent.
The theme of my life as of late has involved trying to re-wire my mind about what it REALLY means to follow Jesus and love God. Not that I have everything figured out. Not that my ultimate goal is to "figure things out"--Hah, maybe if I tell myself this enough times, I'll actually believe it. I've left the safety that I used to find in the black and white, or the conservative Christian traditions that I spent most of my life in. The problem that I've been seeing in my own heart is how my actions--my church going and my bible reading and my christian speaking--were not rooted in a love for Christ, or God, but a love for self. Yeah, not good.
It's kind of a rude awakening. I'm still reeling from it. Still trying to find my bearings. If I could diagnose my mental state right now, I would say that I have mental vertigo because I'm not entirely sure what's up, down, right, wrong, better, worse. And yes, sometimes I feel nauseous about it all. If only I had the special ability to encapsulate these thoughts and lay them aside while I deal with nursing school, instead of everything sort of blending together and overwhelming the hell out of me.
I think to help cope, I've tried to generalize my inner angst and externalized it by blaming "the church." I honestly picture a big white building with a tall steeple and a cross on top. I've somehow villainized the church because it's been hard to admit my own shortcomings. It's easier to blame other people for your issues.
The church is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I, too, often try to convince others that my convictions are right and better, instead of letting their own thought processes and the holy spirit guide them through life. While it is true that I have felt rejection from people in the church that I had trusted so much, I have to remind myself that I have rejected many individuals as well in my own self-righteousness. I will plead ignorance, however. Ignorance of my own sinfulness rooted in my desire to want to be better than other people.
Ok, where am I going with this? Oh, right. Well, back to the title of this post. "Better." The conflict that I find in myself, because I am a complex human being, is how I categorize all of what I'm experiencing--the past and the present. There are days when I think that living in the security of the "bright and shiny," the Glory-be-to-God-if-we're-martyrs-for-His-Kingdom framework would be better than this ever growing awareness of my own spiritual bankruptcy. It's a phenomenon that I've affectionately named "Sitting In My Shit." Prior to wading in my own crap, life was happy. Well, it was happier because I was doing all the right things and was recognized for it. I felt good about myself and my holiness. I was in leadership, involved in ministry, sat on a pedestal for all to see. But that "good" feeling was fleeting. In hindsight, I felt empty. But I guess, it was better in a sense that it was relatively easier. Life's less hard when you think you're effing great.
But is sitting in my shit better? 75% of me says "YES!" This is keeping things real. Keeping things in the right perspective. Where in the bible does it say that I have to be bright and shiny? Am I supposed to rejoice in the LORD because of the circumstances of my life and my self-esteem, or am I supposed to rejoice in HIM because of who He is--regardless of my circumstances? I am a flawed human being. Lots and lots of flaws. I am getting in touch with a lot of these flaws. I can name most of them. I have specifics. It's no longer a generalized "I am broken and a sinner" schpiel. It's no longer false humility. I KNOW I am messed up. And I could potentially tell you exactly in which ways I am broken and what specific sins I struggle to overcome. A lot of things have been opened up in my life and there's no going back. It would be foolish to put bandaids on huge open sores or to ignore these wounds because infection and gangrene is a real problem, says the aspiring nurse.
Is this better? It's not the kind of better that you would put in a bottle and reproduce in massive amounts to sell to all your friends. It's not the kind of better that Joel Olsteen tries to sell in his books, that tries to "help" people be a "better" them.
With all that to say, I can't ignore that fact that I feel less empty than I used to, when I was doing all the "right" things. I feel more alive now than I ever have--angsty, maybe angry, a tad bit resentful, confused, but alive. But I don't like feeling confused. I like having all my ducks in a row!
I don't know how to end this. I don't want to just say something that I'm supposed to say or come full circle just cause that's what good writers do. While the venting did help, I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't come full circle about my life in the last 20-30 minutes that I've spent writing all of this down. I do see the good in all my wrestling, but there's still a part of me that's on the fence about it all.
What I can say, with all confidence is this: Jesus loves me. He's here with me, ever present with me on this journey. He is not condemning me or judging me. His Spirit is with me, guiding me and encouraging me, giving me peace amidst the confusion.
Reflecting on my life feels so much more productive than studying the ins and outs of Quality Care Management in the nursing profession. Don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is important. I just feel overwhelmed with everything else that's going on in my mind. I need to vent.
The theme of my life as of late has involved trying to re-wire my mind about what it REALLY means to follow Jesus and love God. Not that I have everything figured out. Not that my ultimate goal is to "figure things out"--Hah, maybe if I tell myself this enough times, I'll actually believe it. I've left the safety that I used to find in the black and white, or the conservative Christian traditions that I spent most of my life in. The problem that I've been seeing in my own heart is how my actions--my church going and my bible reading and my christian speaking--were not rooted in a love for Christ, or God, but a love for self. Yeah, not good.
It's kind of a rude awakening. I'm still reeling from it. Still trying to find my bearings. If I could diagnose my mental state right now, I would say that I have mental vertigo because I'm not entirely sure what's up, down, right, wrong, better, worse. And yes, sometimes I feel nauseous about it all. If only I had the special ability to encapsulate these thoughts and lay them aside while I deal with nursing school, instead of everything sort of blending together and overwhelming the hell out of me.
I think to help cope, I've tried to generalize my inner angst and externalized it by blaming "the church." I honestly picture a big white building with a tall steeple and a cross on top. I've somehow villainized the church because it's been hard to admit my own shortcomings. It's easier to blame other people for your issues.
The church is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I, too, often try to convince others that my convictions are right and better, instead of letting their own thought processes and the holy spirit guide them through life. While it is true that I have felt rejection from people in the church that I had trusted so much, I have to remind myself that I have rejected many individuals as well in my own self-righteousness. I will plead ignorance, however. Ignorance of my own sinfulness rooted in my desire to want to be better than other people.
Ok, where am I going with this? Oh, right. Well, back to the title of this post. "Better." The conflict that I find in myself, because I am a complex human being, is how I categorize all of what I'm experiencing--the past and the present. There are days when I think that living in the security of the "bright and shiny," the Glory-be-to-God-if-we're-martyrs-for-His-Kingdom framework would be better than this ever growing awareness of my own spiritual bankruptcy. It's a phenomenon that I've affectionately named "Sitting In My Shit." Prior to wading in my own crap, life was happy. Well, it was happier because I was doing all the right things and was recognized for it. I felt good about myself and my holiness. I was in leadership, involved in ministry, sat on a pedestal for all to see. But that "good" feeling was fleeting. In hindsight, I felt empty. But I guess, it was better in a sense that it was relatively easier. Life's less hard when you think you're effing great.
But is sitting in my shit better? 75% of me says "YES!" This is keeping things real. Keeping things in the right perspective. Where in the bible does it say that I have to be bright and shiny? Am I supposed to rejoice in the LORD because of the circumstances of my life and my self-esteem, or am I supposed to rejoice in HIM because of who He is--regardless of my circumstances? I am a flawed human being. Lots and lots of flaws. I am getting in touch with a lot of these flaws. I can name most of them. I have specifics. It's no longer a generalized "I am broken and a sinner" schpiel. It's no longer false humility. I KNOW I am messed up. And I could potentially tell you exactly in which ways I am broken and what specific sins I struggle to overcome. A lot of things have been opened up in my life and there's no going back. It would be foolish to put bandaids on huge open sores or to ignore these wounds because infection and gangrene is a real problem, says the aspiring nurse.
Is this better? It's not the kind of better that you would put in a bottle and reproduce in massive amounts to sell to all your friends. It's not the kind of better that Joel Olsteen tries to sell in his books, that tries to "help" people be a "better" them.
With all that to say, I can't ignore that fact that I feel less empty than I used to, when I was doing all the "right" things. I feel more alive now than I ever have--angsty, maybe angry, a tad bit resentful, confused, but alive. But I don't like feeling confused. I like having all my ducks in a row!
I don't know how to end this. I don't want to just say something that I'm supposed to say or come full circle just cause that's what good writers do. While the venting did help, I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't come full circle about my life in the last 20-30 minutes that I've spent writing all of this down. I do see the good in all my wrestling, but there's still a part of me that's on the fence about it all.
What I can say, with all confidence is this: Jesus loves me. He's here with me, ever present with me on this journey. He is not condemning me or judging me. His Spirit is with me, guiding me and encouraging me, giving me peace amidst the confusion.
30.11.10
No Zombies
I was thinking about life, praying, reflecting on the past couple of days--
my red fleece blanket and I joining forces to combat the coldness of my apartment.
With the feeling coming back to my toes and fingers, I felt the rawness of it all...
...the stripping of the things that I used to find security in, leaving me feeling naked and vulnerable,
my newfound friendship with a lesbian couple, who welcomed me into their home and offered me tea and wonderful conversation, and how I felt Christ's presence so palpably there...
...wrestling with what it means to be a Christian and to follow God outside of the "should's" and "should nots" that our christian culture offers as the means to follow Christ "rightly..."
What does it all mean?
What does it mean for me?
I feel like I'm awakening.
I am coming alive. The person, the individual that Jesus made is waking up from her zombie-like state.
my red fleece blanket and I joining forces to combat the coldness of my apartment.
With the feeling coming back to my toes and fingers, I felt the rawness of it all...
...the stripping of the things that I used to find security in, leaving me feeling naked and vulnerable,
my newfound friendship with a lesbian couple, who welcomed me into their home and offered me tea and wonderful conversation, and how I felt Christ's presence so palpably there...
...wrestling with what it means to be a Christian and to follow God outside of the "should's" and "should nots" that our christian culture offers as the means to follow Christ "rightly..."
What does it all mean?
What does it mean for me?
I feel like I'm awakening.
I am coming alive. The person, the individual that Jesus made is waking up from her zombie-like state.
7.11.09
Profound.
"The problem is that there are important aspects of our experience that we ignore. Many of us...refuse to face our feelings of shame. They make us feel too vulnerable. so we pretend they do not exist and hope they will go away. Or it may be our broken and wounded self that we try to deny. When we do so, however, these unwanted parts of self do not go away. They simply go into hiding. If for example, I only know my strong, competent self and am never able to embrace my weak or insecure self, I am forced to live a lie. I must pretend that I am strong and competent, not simply that I have strong and competent parts or that under certain circumstances I can be strong and competent. Similarly, if I refuse to face my deceitful self I live in illusion regarding my own intergrity. Or if I am unwilling to acknowledge my prideful self, I live an illusion of false modesty.
Our knowing of ourselves will remain superficial until we are willing to accept ourselves as God accepts us--fully and unconditionally, just as we are. God's acceptance of us as we are is not in any way in conflict with Divine longing for our wholeness. Nor is our acceptance of our self. But until we are prepared to accept the self we actually are, we block God's transforming work of making us into our true self that is hidden in God. We must befriend the self we seek to know. We must receive it with hospitality, not hostility. No one--not even your own self--can be known apart from such a welcome...
...Until we are willing to accept the unpleasant truths of our existence, we rationalize or deny responsibility for our behavior.
If God loves and accepts you as a sinner, how can you do less? You can never be other than who you are until you are willing to embrace the reality of who you are. Only then can you truly become who you are most deeply called to be.
Some Christians become quite upset at the suggestion that self-acceptance must precede transformation. They argue that self-acceptance is the exact opposite of what we are supposed to do to the parts of self that do not honor God. What we are supposed to do, they say, is crucify them, not embrace them.
Scriptures seem clear enough about the importance of crucifying out sin nature (Romans 8:13). But attempts to eliminate things that we find in our self that we do not first accept as part of us rely on denial, not crucifixion. Crucifixion should be directed toward our sin nautre. And we must first accept it as our nature, not simply human nature. Only after we genuinely know and accept everything we find within our self can we begin to develop the discernment to know what should be crucified and what should be embraced as an important part of self.
Freud noted that things about ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge are given increased power and influence by our failure to accept them. It is that which we avoid, he asserted, that will most tyrannize us. In this he was absolutely right. Self-acceptance does not increase the power of things that ultimately need to be eliminated. Rather, it weakens them. It does so because it robs them of the power that they develop when they operate outside of awareness and outside the embrace of self-acceptance."
[The Gift of Being Yourself, David G. Benner, 53, 56-57]
Our knowing of ourselves will remain superficial until we are willing to accept ourselves as God accepts us--fully and unconditionally, just as we are. God's acceptance of us as we are is not in any way in conflict with Divine longing for our wholeness. Nor is our acceptance of our self. But until we are prepared to accept the self we actually are, we block God's transforming work of making us into our true self that is hidden in God. We must befriend the self we seek to know. We must receive it with hospitality, not hostility. No one--not even your own self--can be known apart from such a welcome...
...Until we are willing to accept the unpleasant truths of our existence, we rationalize or deny responsibility for our behavior.
If God loves and accepts you as a sinner, how can you do less? You can never be other than who you are until you are willing to embrace the reality of who you are. Only then can you truly become who you are most deeply called to be.
Some Christians become quite upset at the suggestion that self-acceptance must precede transformation. They argue that self-acceptance is the exact opposite of what we are supposed to do to the parts of self that do not honor God. What we are supposed to do, they say, is crucify them, not embrace them.
Scriptures seem clear enough about the importance of crucifying out sin nature (Romans 8:13). But attempts to eliminate things that we find in our self that we do not first accept as part of us rely on denial, not crucifixion. Crucifixion should be directed toward our sin nautre. And we must first accept it as our nature, not simply human nature. Only after we genuinely know and accept everything we find within our self can we begin to develop the discernment to know what should be crucified and what should be embraced as an important part of self.
Freud noted that things about ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge are given increased power and influence by our failure to accept them. It is that which we avoid, he asserted, that will most tyrannize us. In this he was absolutely right. Self-acceptance does not increase the power of things that ultimately need to be eliminated. Rather, it weakens them. It does so because it robs them of the power that they develop when they operate outside of awareness and outside the embrace of self-acceptance."
[The Gift of Being Yourself, David G. Benner, 53, 56-57]
4.5.09
In "da" club, but not of it...
Writing a blogpost about going to a club on Saturday night probably takes away from the "coolness" factor of the experience and exposing me for the "square" I really am--oh well.
If you knew me two years ago, or even a year ago and had mentioned the idea of going to a club on any night of the week, you would've been met by a response that would entail me giving you a lecture on why that's sinful.
Needless to say, I've mellowed out quite a bit.
Anyway, I went to Santa Barbara (woot) this past weekend and my friends and I decided to go to a club on Saturday night. It wasn't just on a whim-- it was part of a series of events known as the "Daniel Craig birthday celebration." And no, it wasn't like a James Bond convention/conference. No, nothing quite so creepy or fanatical. I'm talking about another Dan Craig, who happens to be turning 26 on Wednesday.
Before we went to the club, my friends and I stopped by a bar where they featured swing dancing music on Thurs-Saturday nights. Elise, my beloved ex-roommate, is the best swing dancer I know. I was excited to watch her dance because it really is THAT amazing. But what was even more exciting was that I actually got to use my I.D to gain access to something under-aged people couldn't. I know, I'm easily amused. I wonder what was going through the bouncer's head when I eagerly handed him my I.D, with a huge goofy smile plastered on my face. Come to think of it, I may have also told the guy who checked my I.D at Tonic about how excited I was to be there.
What I observed in the club and at the bar was pretty similar. For some reason, I had always pictured clubs and bars (and I'm sure that this assumption is not completely off-based) to be the breeding ground of all things blatantly sinful. Granted, it wasn't the picture of heaven either. When it comes down to it, it was a place for people to meet people. I mean, God did make us to live in community with one another and Christian or not, people will seek people out. It was very interesting to watch the friendliness and camaraderie at these places that will rival any Christian churches out there. People are generally very friendly, in a non-creepy way. They strike up conversations with strangers and offer to buy people drinks. A guy that was with us, offered to buy us a couple round of drinks--I politely declined, of course, due to my disdain for beer because it smells and tastes like crap--but still, I thought, how often do Christian guys offer to buy a "round" of sodas when we're at In-and-Out?
I was surprised that none of those things that I thought would happen to me, happened when I went to these places. I mean, fire and brimstone didn't start falling from the sky, nor was I struck by lightning--which I thought might happen as soon as I set foot inside a bar. And, I actually had fun. Sober-because-Christ-lives-in-me-and-I-want-to-be-a-witness-for-him, kind of fun. I enjoyed talking to people. I loved dancing with my friends. I also enjoyed the part where even though I was in their world, I wasn't part of it. I was merely visiting. And because I was just visiting, clubbing and bar-hopping, isn't something I'm going to make a habit out of. But, at least, now I'm not so afraid of it.
After this weekend, and after spending time with people who aren't part of the church-scene that I have been so accustomed to, I remembered how Jesus Christ came to us, because we could not and would not go to Him. I think that it is a great analogy to what Christians must do to reach people who don't know/don't care about Jesus. And this, among other things, is a sensitive subject within the Christian realm. But I would like to offer up my point of view, fully aware that there is potential for me to be wrong, but I will gladly take the risk in order to think outside the box and maybe to challenge others along the way: I know that as Christians, we are called to be holy and set apart. But we are also called to be great commissioners and be witnesses to the people that are in the world and trapped in their sin, like we, who now know Christ, once were. How can we be witnesses if we stay away from people that need to see Jesus? Is it possible to be holy and set apart, while being in these dark and forsaken places, for the sake of Christ and to the glory of God?
I think it is. We applaud missionaries for their courage in traversing over large bodies of water to live amongst cannibals, head-hunters, and witch doctors to preach the Gospel and live as examples of Jesus Christ. In my opinion, we don't have to go quite so far to minister to those living in the heart of darkness--though it will still require the same amount of courage, same amount of compassion and same amount of obedience, if not more.
If you knew me two years ago, or even a year ago and had mentioned the idea of going to a club on any night of the week, you would've been met by a response that would entail me giving you a lecture on why that's sinful.
Needless to say, I've mellowed out quite a bit.
Anyway, I went to Santa Barbara (woot) this past weekend and my friends and I decided to go to a club on Saturday night. It wasn't just on a whim-- it was part of a series of events known as the "Daniel Craig birthday celebration." And no, it wasn't like a James Bond convention/conference. No, nothing quite so creepy or fanatical. I'm talking about another Dan Craig, who happens to be turning 26 on Wednesday.
Before we went to the club, my friends and I stopped by a bar where they featured swing dancing music on Thurs-Saturday nights. Elise, my beloved ex-roommate, is the best swing dancer I know. I was excited to watch her dance because it really is THAT amazing. But what was even more exciting was that I actually got to use my I.D to gain access to something under-aged people couldn't. I know, I'm easily amused. I wonder what was going through the bouncer's head when I eagerly handed him my I.D, with a huge goofy smile plastered on my face. Come to think of it, I may have also told the guy who checked my I.D at Tonic about how excited I was to be there.
What I observed in the club and at the bar was pretty similar. For some reason, I had always pictured clubs and bars (and I'm sure that this assumption is not completely off-based) to be the breeding ground of all things blatantly sinful. Granted, it wasn't the picture of heaven either. When it comes down to it, it was a place for people to meet people. I mean, God did make us to live in community with one another and Christian or not, people will seek people out. It was very interesting to watch the friendliness and camaraderie at these places that will rival any Christian churches out there. People are generally very friendly, in a non-creepy way. They strike up conversations with strangers and offer to buy people drinks. A guy that was with us, offered to buy us a couple round of drinks--I politely declined, of course, due to my disdain for beer because it smells and tastes like crap--but still, I thought, how often do Christian guys offer to buy a "round" of sodas when we're at In-and-Out?
I was surprised that none of those things that I thought would happen to me, happened when I went to these places. I mean, fire and brimstone didn't start falling from the sky, nor was I struck by lightning--which I thought might happen as soon as I set foot inside a bar. And, I actually had fun. Sober-because-Christ-lives-in-me-and-I-want-to-be-a-witness-for-him, kind of fun. I enjoyed talking to people. I loved dancing with my friends. I also enjoyed the part where even though I was in their world, I wasn't part of it. I was merely visiting. And because I was just visiting, clubbing and bar-hopping, isn't something I'm going to make a habit out of. But, at least, now I'm not so afraid of it.
After this weekend, and after spending time with people who aren't part of the church-scene that I have been so accustomed to, I remembered how Jesus Christ came to us, because we could not and would not go to Him. I think that it is a great analogy to what Christians must do to reach people who don't know/don't care about Jesus. And this, among other things, is a sensitive subject within the Christian realm. But I would like to offer up my point of view, fully aware that there is potential for me to be wrong, but I will gladly take the risk in order to think outside the box and maybe to challenge others along the way: I know that as Christians, we are called to be holy and set apart. But we are also called to be great commissioners and be witnesses to the people that are in the world and trapped in their sin, like we, who now know Christ, once were. How can we be witnesses if we stay away from people that need to see Jesus? Is it possible to be holy and set apart, while being in these dark and forsaken places, for the sake of Christ and to the glory of God?
I think it is. We applaud missionaries for their courage in traversing over large bodies of water to live amongst cannibals, head-hunters, and witch doctors to preach the Gospel and live as examples of Jesus Christ. In my opinion, we don't have to go quite so far to minister to those living in the heart of darkness--though it will still require the same amount of courage, same amount of compassion and same amount of obedience, if not more.
28.2.09
A Pseudo-scholarly response.
I am no scholar. And this is not false humility.
My mental capacities cannot even compare to the likes of Edwards, Piper, McArthur, Sturgeon, Pink, Thoennes, Moreland, etc. They were blessed with mental faculties far beyond my own and they are capable of thinking and extrapolating truth and practical insights from a knowledge base established by years of reading and diligent research.
I find it slightly amusing that my poor little brain likes to be scholarly at times--even though it does not possess the "proper equipment," such as the ability to think/compare abstract ideas or retain heady information from scholarly books and articles. In fact, when my brain tries to engage in scholarly thinking, the rest of my body shuts down in order to supply the necessary amount of "power" my brain needs to think this way.
And right now, my brain is driving itself crazy thinking about "bibleolatry," or "bible idolatry." This is a term that proposes that in most, if not all, conservative evangelical circles, there is an "over-commitment" to the Bible--leaving no room for extra-biblical revelation which hinders the application of practical theology to life, philosopy, natural science, moral law, etc.
My initial reaction to this idea was my jaw-dropping and my eyeballs nearly popping out of their respective sockets: "WHAT??? How can a Christian be over committed to GOD's Word??"
What was even more shocking was that J.P Moreland, a scholar that I greatly admire, even wrote a paper about how this very idea titled, How Evangelicals Became Over-committed to the Bible and What Can Be Done About It.
Now, a scholar--not me--would've done all the research first and read all the necessary books/journals/papers before writing a response. Frankly, I don't have the time to delve deeper into this because I have an apologetics test and nursing pharmacology exam looming over my head like a dark, ominous cloud. I suppose reading the first page of Moreland's paper (and skimming the rest. Hee.), reading various blog responses/critiques and Moreland's own explanation of his paper and view points would have to suffice for now.
I also have ADHD. Maybe.
Anyway, what Moreland does NOT say about this concept of "bibleolatry," is that we stop thinking of scripture as the final authority in the lives of Christians. He does NOT say that we cannot receive revelation from God from His Word. And, finally, he does NOT say that we should stop reading our Bibles.
But Moreland does challenge evangelicals, especially those that are further down the conservative end of the Christianity spectrum, to "think outside the box." He states--and this is loosely paraphrased--that conservatives are not open to the possibility of extra-biblical knowledge, like natural or experiential revelation and other sources that might explain things that are not explicitly discussed within the pages of scripture--like the presence and activity of demons, or crossing cultural bridges and how the Gospel is to be delivered to a culture and worldview outside of the western mindset, or how to contextualize the good news to people groups who have no point of reference for biblical history, Jesus or even know what a "bible" is! (Now, that was my own insight, not Moreland's).
I suppose I can say that I respect where J.P Moreland is coming from. He is merely offering another perspective. He has been studying this for a while and he's done his research, like a good scholar. At this point, I cannot make a committed decision about whether I believe he is right or wrong without being emotional about it.
Yes, emotional.
I observed that my natural tendency would be to throw a fit and call Moreland a heretic, or worse. Why? I'd like to say that my reaction would be coming from "righteous anger," because obviously, I know all the right answers. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. No need to keep on searching for the Truth, because Linell has figured it all out.
NOT.
No, my initial reaction came from the fact that Moreland's ideas were directly interfering with my need to be able to dichotomize my world, or see it in black and white. Once again, he was affriming the fact that the world cannot be so simple. His ideas were challenging MY worldview and beliefs, and more importantly, making ME uncomfortable. In other words: I was taking it way too personally.
And how often do we, as evangelicals, react so strongly (and often times too wrongly) just because our own personal, subjective beliefs about what is true is being challenged?
I know that in times like this, when my brain is being thrown for a loop and I must wrestle with new ideas, I can rest in the fact that TRUTH is objective. That God, who is high in heaven, is our Great Overseer, that He is Sovereign and does not need me to defend Him. He is perfect and in absolute control--despite my personal chaos. And while He does command Christians to speak the Truth in boldness, I am reminded that His greatest commands are to love Him and to love His people. And sometimes, the greatest way to love a person is to shut up and listen. Will it really hurt to listen to new ideas?
And God, will reveal all things in due time, in HIS perfect timing. I can pray and ask Him for wisdom, which He will gladly give, without reproach (James 1:5).
for more info about Moreland's article, you can access and download the PDF file: here.
to read Moreland's response, go here.
My mental capacities cannot even compare to the likes of Edwards, Piper, McArthur, Sturgeon, Pink, Thoennes, Moreland, etc. They were blessed with mental faculties far beyond my own and they are capable of thinking and extrapolating truth and practical insights from a knowledge base established by years of reading and diligent research.
I find it slightly amusing that my poor little brain likes to be scholarly at times--even though it does not possess the "proper equipment," such as the ability to think/compare abstract ideas or retain heady information from scholarly books and articles. In fact, when my brain tries to engage in scholarly thinking, the rest of my body shuts down in order to supply the necessary amount of "power" my brain needs to think this way.
And right now, my brain is driving itself crazy thinking about "bibleolatry," or "bible idolatry." This is a term that proposes that in most, if not all, conservative evangelical circles, there is an "over-commitment" to the Bible--leaving no room for extra-biblical revelation which hinders the application of practical theology to life, philosopy, natural science, moral law, etc.
My initial reaction to this idea was my jaw-dropping and my eyeballs nearly popping out of their respective sockets: "WHAT??? How can a Christian be over committed to GOD's Word??"
What was even more shocking was that J.P Moreland, a scholar that I greatly admire, even wrote a paper about how this very idea titled, How Evangelicals Became Over-committed to the Bible and What Can Be Done About It.
Now, a scholar--not me--would've done all the research first and read all the necessary books/journals/papers before writing a response. Frankly, I don't have the time to delve deeper into this because I have an apologetics test and nursing pharmacology exam looming over my head like a dark, ominous cloud. I suppose reading the first page of Moreland's paper (and skimming the rest. Hee.), reading various blog responses/critiques and Moreland's own explanation of his paper and view points would have to suffice for now.
I also have ADHD. Maybe.
Anyway, what Moreland does NOT say about this concept of "bibleolatry," is that we stop thinking of scripture as the final authority in the lives of Christians. He does NOT say that we cannot receive revelation from God from His Word. And, finally, he does NOT say that we should stop reading our Bibles.
But Moreland does challenge evangelicals, especially those that are further down the conservative end of the Christianity spectrum, to "think outside the box." He states--and this is loosely paraphrased--that conservatives are not open to the possibility of extra-biblical knowledge, like natural or experiential revelation and other sources that might explain things that are not explicitly discussed within the pages of scripture--like the presence and activity of demons, or crossing cultural bridges and how the Gospel is to be delivered to a culture and worldview outside of the western mindset, or how to contextualize the good news to people groups who have no point of reference for biblical history, Jesus or even know what a "bible" is! (Now, that was my own insight, not Moreland's).
I suppose I can say that I respect where J.P Moreland is coming from. He is merely offering another perspective. He has been studying this for a while and he's done his research, like a good scholar. At this point, I cannot make a committed decision about whether I believe he is right or wrong without being emotional about it.
Yes, emotional.
I observed that my natural tendency would be to throw a fit and call Moreland a heretic, or worse. Why? I'd like to say that my reaction would be coming from "righteous anger," because obviously, I know all the right answers. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. No need to keep on searching for the Truth, because Linell has figured it all out.
NOT.
No, my initial reaction came from the fact that Moreland's ideas were directly interfering with my need to be able to dichotomize my world, or see it in black and white. Once again, he was affriming the fact that the world cannot be so simple. His ideas were challenging MY worldview and beliefs, and more importantly, making ME uncomfortable. In other words: I was taking it way too personally.
And how often do we, as evangelicals, react so strongly (and often times too wrongly) just because our own personal, subjective beliefs about what is true is being challenged?
I know that in times like this, when my brain is being thrown for a loop and I must wrestle with new ideas, I can rest in the fact that TRUTH is objective. That God, who is high in heaven, is our Great Overseer, that He is Sovereign and does not need me to defend Him. He is perfect and in absolute control--despite my personal chaos. And while He does command Christians to speak the Truth in boldness, I am reminded that His greatest commands are to love Him and to love His people. And sometimes, the greatest way to love a person is to shut up and listen. Will it really hurt to listen to new ideas?
And God, will reveal all things in due time, in HIS perfect timing. I can pray and ask Him for wisdom, which He will gladly give, without reproach (James 1:5).
for more info about Moreland's article, you can access and download the PDF file: here.
to read Moreland's response, go here.
6.7.08
Training wheels are off.
I did not go to church this morning, which isn't the end of the world, but my conscience felt like it was. I just...decided not to go. Totally lame, I KNOW. Discouraged, dismayed and frustrated with myself, I left my house to journal and talk with God. I spent the next few hours evaluating the thought process that lead to my poor decision this morning.
At this point in my life, there literally is no one around to tell me what to do. I don't feel direct pressure from anyone to do anything. Typical expectations of friends and mentors, pastors and parents are no longer my main points of references--they do not dominate or dictate decisions I make. For example, my whole life I have always felt some sense of obligation to go to church. I hardly ever missed a service--which wasn't hard to do since I was so plugged into the high school and college ministries of my home church. Unfortunately, I realized that those obligations were predominantly founded on pleasing other people, not obeying and worshiping God. This, of course, is no one's fault but mine.
I have never been this free to live life my way. It's kind of scary. Mostly because I'm discovering a lot about myself that I don't like. Just because I'm free to live, it doesn't mean I should do everything I feel like doing. And the things I used to do when I lived under obligations and expectations, I discovered are things that I still need to do, but being freed from legalistic reasoning, I find it hard to motivate myself to do them. I need to want to do them, not for myself--or anyone else-- but for the glory of God! (i.e church attendance, discernment about what movies I watch or music I listen to, spending time in the Word, stewardship of my time, keeping my room clean, balancing my budget, cleaning up after myself, etc.).
It's like I'm learning to ride a bike for the first time. My Father has finally removed the training wheels. He wants me to learn how to balance on my own. And falling is definitely included in the learning process. I'm not going to learn unless I get back up and try again, because God's not going to put the training wheels back on. Never again.
I understand that the bike-analogy probably sucked, but my point is: I realized this morning after getting up from another fall, that the scary thing about discovering freedom in Christ and being released from the chains of legalism is now...the only thing stopping me from taking up my Cross...is...myself. I know that I have to want Jesus more than anything. No one can make me do that! I have to want to use my freedom to live as a slave to righteousness.
"Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving..."
Colossians 2:6
4.7.08
Happy 4th.
That little blurp is about all the patriotism I could muster...pathetic, isn't it? It's not that I don't care--I plead ignorance, not contempt. I like America and appreciate my freedom very much. There are just other things on my mind right now. Brace yourself, this is going to be a long one:
I had to work closing shift and tonight I had the privilege to work with "Steve." Obviously, that's not his real name. But I don't want to embarrass him--nor I-- in the event that he accidentally finds my blog. Being a holiday, work was pretty dead, so Steve and I got to talk a lot. It was amazing how much I found out about his life in about an hour.
At first glance, one would assume that Steve is one of those artsy-eclectic musician types, who loves the planet Earth more than his diurnal (daily) shower. He had an abundance of curly black hair that rested on his head like a well-fitted helmet. He wore black thick-rimmed glasses, a faded periwinkle t-shirt, jean cut-offs and a pair of tattered Vans. Steve seemed ethnically ambiguous because I could not tell what he was until he mentioned his Salvadorian heritage: "...sadly, I know more French than I do Spanish. And...that's not much."
Steve just graduated with a Bachelor's in English at the age of 22 and is planning to get his Master's in Poetry at Portland State University. In retrospect, Steve stated his ambitions so ardently that it was reminiscent of a young boy telling his mother how the first day of kindergarten went. Steve was also equally excited about going to Russia in a couple of weeks to meet his girlfriend's family. The reason for his excitement: "I'm planning to propose to her while we're there," he said, emphatically. He claims that he knew she was "the one" after dating the Russian beauty for five months. "Three years later, and with the both of us moving to Portland in March, I think it would be wiser to be married and live together, than live together and not get married. You know?" In addition to being "pre-engaged," Steve is also a creative and talented poet, a self-taught guitar, banjo and piano player, a self-proclaimed vegetarian with vegan ethics, lover of the Gypsy Den, and a fellow connoisseur of talented, yet obscure musicians. Furthermore, he would rather ride his bike than drive a car and he brings a Nerf gun to work with him, just in case he gets bored.
I found Steve to be super cool, refreshing and inspiring, though I think the average "normal" person would classify him as a social outcast, or someone who doesn't adhere to societal norms. I think he's "normal" enough. He's just not afraid to be different. He doesn't try hard--he knows what he likes and appreciates and doesn't need everyone else's pre-approval to act on his pursuit of those things.
I am realizing more and more how drawn I am to people like Steve. I am attracted to that sort of lifestyle--living for or under obscurity, having a genuine sense of originality by finding ways to live life differently from generations before, thinking deeply about everything, self-expression through creative means, etc. And I feel like I'm in a stage of my life where I'm trying to find a different way to live it, without losing the ultimate focus: the glory of God, through Jesus Christ. But the "way things are" just isn't going to cut it, anymore. I have outgrown the legalistic expectations of the Christian subculture. I am through with just sitting there, mouth agape. I am desperate to make the most of my time here on Earth. I am eager to see what that is supposed to look like because I am free in Jesus Christ! I am free to live my life!
But even as I say this, I hear the voices of people in my life who withhold caution from the wind with tightly closed fists: "BUT...we have an obligation to righteousness. You have to be careful not to abuse that freedom. The Bible tells us that we need to be set apart. You can't just do whatever you want. We need to fear God and obey His commands. Be careful to tame your selfish ambitions." Yes, all of that is true. But are we to be so cautious that we stray too far to the right, and become content with simply sitting and hearing sound doctrine within our respective churches without consciously trying to figure out, how these doctrines are to be lived out in every day life? Isn't it worth risking a mistake in order to figure out what it is that God wants for us to do, how He wants us to impact the world for Christ's name?
It may appear that I have diverging and bifurcating points of interests, but really, what I'm trying to say--in 200,000 words or less--is, I perceive people like Steve are people who actually live life. Granted, that is a gross-over generalization and a completely subjective point of view--in other words, my own personal opinion. I widely accept diversion from the norm as something admirable, mostly because it is hard to do.
But what about Christians, those who have everything to live for, those who have been given freedom to live life abundantly, how are we living?
I feel like we are afraid to live as freely as we ought.
I had to work closing shift and tonight I had the privilege to work with "Steve." Obviously, that's not his real name. But I don't want to embarrass him--nor I-- in the event that he accidentally finds my blog. Being a holiday, work was pretty dead, so Steve and I got to talk a lot. It was amazing how much I found out about his life in about an hour.
At first glance, one would assume that Steve is one of those artsy-eclectic musician types, who loves the planet Earth more than his diurnal (daily) shower. He had an abundance of curly black hair that rested on his head like a well-fitted helmet. He wore black thick-rimmed glasses, a faded periwinkle t-shirt, jean cut-offs and a pair of tattered Vans. Steve seemed ethnically ambiguous because I could not tell what he was until he mentioned his Salvadorian heritage: "...sadly, I know more French than I do Spanish. And...that's not much."
Steve just graduated with a Bachelor's in English at the age of 22 and is planning to get his Master's in Poetry at Portland State University. In retrospect, Steve stated his ambitions so ardently that it was reminiscent of a young boy telling his mother how the first day of kindergarten went. Steve was also equally excited about going to Russia in a couple of weeks to meet his girlfriend's family. The reason for his excitement: "I'm planning to propose to her while we're there," he said, emphatically. He claims that he knew she was "the one" after dating the Russian beauty for five months. "Three years later, and with the both of us moving to Portland in March, I think it would be wiser to be married and live together, than live together and not get married. You know?" In addition to being "pre-engaged," Steve is also a creative and talented poet, a self-taught guitar, banjo and piano player, a self-proclaimed vegetarian with vegan ethics, lover of the Gypsy Den, and a fellow connoisseur of talented, yet obscure musicians. Furthermore, he would rather ride his bike than drive a car and he brings a Nerf gun to work with him, just in case he gets bored.
I found Steve to be super cool, refreshing and inspiring, though I think the average "normal" person would classify him as a social outcast, or someone who doesn't adhere to societal norms. I think he's "normal" enough. He's just not afraid to be different. He doesn't try hard--he knows what he likes and appreciates and doesn't need everyone else's pre-approval to act on his pursuit of those things.
I am realizing more and more how drawn I am to people like Steve. I am attracted to that sort of lifestyle--living for or under obscurity, having a genuine sense of originality by finding ways to live life differently from generations before, thinking deeply about everything, self-expression through creative means, etc. And I feel like I'm in a stage of my life where I'm trying to find a different way to live it, without losing the ultimate focus: the glory of God, through Jesus Christ. But the "way things are" just isn't going to cut it, anymore. I have outgrown the legalistic expectations of the Christian subculture. I am through with just sitting there, mouth agape. I am desperate to make the most of my time here on Earth. I am eager to see what that is supposed to look like because I am free in Jesus Christ! I am free to live my life!
But even as I say this, I hear the voices of people in my life who withhold caution from the wind with tightly closed fists: "BUT...we have an obligation to righteousness. You have to be careful not to abuse that freedom. The Bible tells us that we need to be set apart. You can't just do whatever you want. We need to fear God and obey His commands. Be careful to tame your selfish ambitions." Yes, all of that is true. But are we to be so cautious that we stray too far to the right, and become content with simply sitting and hearing sound doctrine within our respective churches without consciously trying to figure out, how these doctrines are to be lived out in every day life? Isn't it worth risking a mistake in order to figure out what it is that God wants for us to do, how He wants us to impact the world for Christ's name?
It may appear that I have diverging and bifurcating points of interests, but really, what I'm trying to say--in 200,000 words or less--is, I perceive people like Steve are people who actually live life. Granted, that is a gross-over generalization and a completely subjective point of view--in other words, my own personal opinion. I widely accept diversion from the norm as something admirable, mostly because it is hard to do.
But what about Christians, those who have everything to live for, those who have been given freedom to live life abundantly, how are we living?
I feel like we are afraid to live as freely as we ought.
23.6.08
How much in control is God over everything?
I know that seems like a blasphemous statement to make, but I promise that I am coming from a more secondary context. What I mean by that is that I thought about it tonight during the last leg of my closing shift at work while I was washing the dishes. I don't necessarily always think of deep questions when I'm doing chores, but this came to mind due to a very painful experience. For lack of a better term--and because I have no idea what it's called--the spraying movable spigot-spray-thingy that hangs over the sink somehow freed itself from its safety hook and smacked me in the face. HARD. My eyes started to tear up. The spigot-spray-thingy hit the bridge of my glasses, causing it to dig deeply onto the bridge of my nose. Not really knowing what else to do and completely taken aback by the excruciating pain I was feeling in my face, I started jumping up and down. I know... you may be wondering why I would do such a thing. I don't really know. Sometimes my brain just tells me to do things and I say, "Hey, why not?"
In fact, I really didn't understand what happened in the first place! It was completely un-called for. I was simply rinsing off the soap off of one of the small saucers when it happened. I don't even remember what I was thinking about at the time before the incident took place. As I slowly recovered, a tear drop streaming down from my face, I wondered aloud: "God, did you know that was going to happen? I mean, before the beginning of the world, before all of creation?" I continued to finish rinsing off all the dishes left in the sink, but my brain kept going:
"We say that You are in control of everything. I mean, does that mean absolutely everything? Did you allow that spigot-spray-thingy to hit me? Did you make it happen? Was it You who removed it from its safety hook? We always say that You are in control. How seriously do we take that? How much do we really believe that? I feel like it's something I stick in the back of my brain, a fact that I only use when it's convenient, or when life sucks, or when I'm in pain. A fact that I use selfishly to appease my troubled mind and not a fact that I use so that I may worship You and find my absolute enjoyment in You! Ouch. That's convicting. God, Your word says that You are in absolute control over the universe. God, what would it be like, if I really, really took Your control over the universe as seriously as You take it. Am I just afraid to ask that question? Oh my gosh. I am! I am afraid to allow myself to really think about that. Afraid that if I really begin to understand it and face it, I would have to respond! Oh...man. And what kind of response...would be sufficient enough? "
Man, oh man.
In fact, I really didn't understand what happened in the first place! It was completely un-called for. I was simply rinsing off the soap off of one of the small saucers when it happened. I don't even remember what I was thinking about at the time before the incident took place. As I slowly recovered, a tear drop streaming down from my face, I wondered aloud: "God, did you know that was going to happen? I mean, before the beginning of the world, before all of creation?" I continued to finish rinsing off all the dishes left in the sink, but my brain kept going:
"We say that You are in control of everything. I mean, does that mean absolutely everything? Did you allow that spigot-spray-thingy to hit me? Did you make it happen? Was it You who removed it from its safety hook? We always say that You are in control. How seriously do we take that? How much do we really believe that? I feel like it's something I stick in the back of my brain, a fact that I only use when it's convenient, or when life sucks, or when I'm in pain. A fact that I use selfishly to appease my troubled mind and not a fact that I use so that I may worship You and find my absolute enjoyment in You! Ouch. That's convicting. God, Your word says that You are in absolute control over the universe. God, what would it be like, if I really, really took Your control over the universe as seriously as You take it. Am I just afraid to ask that question? Oh my gosh. I am! I am afraid to allow myself to really think about that. Afraid that if I really begin to understand it and face it, I would have to respond! Oh...man. And what kind of response...would be sufficient enough? "
Man, oh man.
13.6.08
I don't listen to worship music on a regular basis.
the following thoughts have been brewing in my mind for some time now. i've never really shared them because i'm afraid of being labeled a heretic or a "bad" Christian. then I realized something: everyone makes mistakes, that's part of being human. mistakes are part of the process of growing. i can potentially say something completely wrong, and while i should try to be careful with what i do say, i realized that i can't always have the right answers, nor am i going to pretend that i do. i think Christians put so much pressure on each other to never say the wrong thing and i think that really cheapens the process of learning; how will we know if what we believe is wrong, if we don't put it out there?
this leads to my thoughts about worship music. while i appreciate worship music within the context of a worship service, i do not go out of my way to listen to worship music outside of church settings. i actually would prefer to listen to anything else (except for country. i never want to listen to country). i think this is attributed to a few things (a) the simplistic, repetitive nature of the music in worship songs sort of irritate me (b) it may be a rebellious response to the idea that Christians should listen to just Christian songs (c) i appreciate the creativity of the secular music i listen to, more (oh so much more).
I think that letter "B" is the driving reason behind my wariness of worship music. Worship music is a different class of music because it is music that is, supposedly, written for God. However, due to the Christian music label and the Christian music business and the implications that there needs to be a separation between Christian and secular music--and that it is more "Christian" to choose one side than the other--I sometimes wonder, is worship music really for God anymore? Or has it somehow become something that is more about ourselves, than anything else? If the strategy behind it all is to "separate us from the world," or to "appear as light to a dark world," then the strategy has failed because the secular world does not respect us, but ridicules us and hates us. Granted, that is what Jesus said would happen to those who followed Him, but I don't think this is what He meant. Christians are not coming off as humble disciples of Jesus Christ, but rather, proud, condemning people who think they're better than everyone else.
I'm not saying every Christian is like this nor am I saying that there is nothing beneficial and God-honoring about singing and listening to worship songs. But I do think we need to be careful in how we view and react to worship music. I don't think it should ever have the cult-like following that it has today, meaning people should not "worship" the music itself. I think an important reminder to remember is that worship is not merely genre of music! I believe that worship existed before music ever did. For worship is the posture that humans should have before God...always.
this leads to my thoughts about worship music. while i appreciate worship music within the context of a worship service, i do not go out of my way to listen to worship music outside of church settings. i actually would prefer to listen to anything else (except for country. i never want to listen to country). i think this is attributed to a few things (a) the simplistic, repetitive nature of the music in worship songs sort of irritate me (b) it may be a rebellious response to the idea that Christians should listen to just Christian songs (c) i appreciate the creativity of the secular music i listen to, more (oh so much more).
I think that letter "B" is the driving reason behind my wariness of worship music. Worship music is a different class of music because it is music that is, supposedly, written for God. However, due to the Christian music label and the Christian music business and the implications that there needs to be a separation between Christian and secular music--and that it is more "Christian" to choose one side than the other--I sometimes wonder, is worship music really for God anymore? Or has it somehow become something that is more about ourselves, than anything else? If the strategy behind it all is to "separate us from the world," or to "appear as light to a dark world," then the strategy has failed because the secular world does not respect us, but ridicules us and hates us. Granted, that is what Jesus said would happen to those who followed Him, but I don't think this is what He meant. Christians are not coming off as humble disciples of Jesus Christ, but rather, proud, condemning people who think they're better than everyone else.
I'm not saying every Christian is like this nor am I saying that there is nothing beneficial and God-honoring about singing and listening to worship songs. But I do think we need to be careful in how we view and react to worship music. I don't think it should ever have the cult-like following that it has today, meaning people should not "worship" the music itself. I think an important reminder to remember is that worship is not merely genre of music! I believe that worship existed before music ever did. For worship is the posture that humans should have before God...always.
14.4.08
points.
I feel like this is going to be a few journal entries in one. Thus, I will divide the different points into sections, so that my train of thought(s) don't appear too dissipated.
Point A:
I just cut up my credit card.
yes. i took a pair of scissors and did away with the poor little sucker. I cut it up in four triangular pieces.
i don't need mo' debt. I go to Biola.
and i was throughly convicted today, after Dave Talley's sermon at church.
it needed to be done.
Point B:
it's currently 1:44am and I am not at all tired. I suppose I could do something productive...like homework. But I'm not really that responsible. If I were responsible i would be sleeping right now, since I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning. But the fact that I have a doctor's appointment kinda proves my ability to be responsible, anyway. Right? So that, in and of itself, cancels everything out.
Point C:
I win.
Point D:
Anyway, since I was up, I started looking through some of my old writings and I found a poem that I wrote on September 29 of the year Two thousand and five:
I forget why I wrote it. But I find it fascinating. I am not trying to be conceited when I say that I think my mind is interesting. Maybe a better term for it is "quirky." Yes, I have a "quirky" way of thinking at times. Well, maybe, most of the time. I like to hide it, methinks. Or at least suppress as much of it as I can. Only those who really know me see the extent of my quirkyness. You know who you are.
I am actually very glad that my mind works the way it does. I value uniqueness because it adds the necessary spice to a culture that has the propensity to be bland in its pursuit of conformity. *That statement maybe over-generalizing, but I'm too lazy to back space and change it.)
Ergo, I have a great appreciation for people who think outside of the box. People who have a chameleon-like ability to adjust to new and different situations. People who are willing to take risks in their decisions with the intentions of giving themselves a leeway for personal growth.
Yes, they are my heroes.
Point E:
I am ridiculous. It is 2:05 am right now and I'm getting up in 4ish hours. Oy vey. This week is off to a great start...
Point A:
I just cut up my credit card.
yes. i took a pair of scissors and did away with the poor little sucker. I cut it up in four triangular pieces.
i don't need mo' debt. I go to Biola.
and i was throughly convicted today, after Dave Talley's sermon at church.
it needed to be done.
Point B:
it's currently 1:44am and I am not at all tired. I suppose I could do something productive...like homework. But I'm not really that responsible. If I were responsible i would be sleeping right now, since I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning. But the fact that I have a doctor's appointment kinda proves my ability to be responsible, anyway. Right? So that, in and of itself, cancels everything out.
Point C:
I win.
Point D:
Anyway, since I was up, I started looking through some of my old writings and I found a poem that I wrote on September 29 of the year Two thousand and five:
twiddle dee
twiddle thumb
how many ways
to make your mind numb
talk in riddles
talk in tongues
talk in feelings
or talk none
stoic faces
lifeless eyes
stare into
darkened skies
wayward thoughts
overthinking
overflowing
this wayward ship is sinking
lifejacket
lifeboat
same difference
they float
drown in the excess
hold thy tongue
don't confess
leave it where it is
leave it where you stand
I forget why I wrote it. But I find it fascinating. I am not trying to be conceited when I say that I think my mind is interesting. Maybe a better term for it is "quirky." Yes, I have a "quirky" way of thinking at times. Well, maybe, most of the time. I like to hide it, methinks. Or at least suppress as much of it as I can. Only those who really know me see the extent of my quirkyness. You know who you are.
I am actually very glad that my mind works the way it does. I value uniqueness because it adds the necessary spice to a culture that has the propensity to be bland in its pursuit of conformity. *That statement maybe over-generalizing, but I'm too lazy to back space and change it.)
Ergo, I have a great appreciation for people who think outside of the box. People who have a chameleon-like ability to adjust to new and different situations. People who are willing to take risks in their decisions with the intentions of giving themselves a leeway for personal growth.
Yes, they are my heroes.
Point E:
I am ridiculous. It is 2:05 am right now and I'm getting up in 4ish hours. Oy vey. This week is off to a great start...
24.3.08
The answer to boredom is a lobotomy.
"I need somewhere to fall apart"
"here, would you like to do so...in my arms?"
[insert flashing debonair smile and Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love." ]
yes, my head came up with that all on it's own. sometimes I wonder if my brain actually belongs to me. it's quite possible that I had a brain transplant earlier on in life. one would assume that I'd remember something as significant as a lobotomy except that...I would have a new brain, therefore, deeming all previous memories obsolete.
I think I say those things, mostly, to amuse myself. I'm sure you're amused, too. But please don't judge me... I'm just bored.
I've been listening to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova sing and lament about the pains of unrequited love. I love the songs that they sing. They're simplistic and depressing, but beautiful, nonetheless. The songs are also inspiring; so much so that I have written my own lament about my exasperated (past) experiences with romance. I doubt that anyone will actually hear this song, though. It's not something I see myself playing for anyone; it's kind of embarrassing. And no, the lines that I began this journal entry with are not part of my song. (Though that would be ridiculously hysterical).
on a less related note: today, my brain forgot that it was March.
"here, would you like to do so...in my arms?"
[insert flashing debonair smile and Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love." ]
yes, my head came up with that all on it's own. sometimes I wonder if my brain actually belongs to me. it's quite possible that I had a brain transplant earlier on in life. one would assume that I'd remember something as significant as a lobotomy except that...I would have a new brain, therefore, deeming all previous memories obsolete.
I think I say those things, mostly, to amuse myself. I'm sure you're amused, too. But please don't judge me... I'm just bored.
I've been listening to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova sing and lament about the pains of unrequited love. I love the songs that they sing. They're simplistic and depressing, but beautiful, nonetheless. The songs are also inspiring; so much so that I have written my own lament about my exasperated (past) experiences with romance. I doubt that anyone will actually hear this song, though. It's not something I see myself playing for anyone; it's kind of embarrassing. And no, the lines that I began this journal entry with are not part of my song. (Though that would be ridiculously hysterical).
on a less related note: today, my brain forgot that it was March.
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