vulnerABILITY

I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?"  I responded by asking what he meant by that.   He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff."  I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars.  I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.

I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants.  Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like.  Often,  these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me).  I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom.  When life is tough, anything else is pure crap.  Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me:  God is predictably good. He saves and redeems.  He is not cruel and unjust.  He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.

In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality.  That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work.  I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.

I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender.  However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful.  I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option.  A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.

I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so.  I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different.  I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around.  He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him.  And I hope the same goes for me.  I mean, I think it's a double edged sword.  I know people will be judgmental either way.  It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world."  Whatever. 

What am I doing?

I don't mean to pose that question in a negative light.  I really am kind of wondering what is happening in my life right now.  It's a kind of wondering that involves meandering, thoughtful, consideration of the past couple of weeks and what I've been doing with my time.  Other than studying for the NCLEX--the biggest test of my life--I've mostly been hanging out with friends, soaking up the bit of time left that we have here together, taking advantage of the fact that we are still around the area and most importantly-- we don't really have actual responsibilities (i.e mortgage, marriages, car payments, children, etc.) 

I am kind of amused at how easy things seem to be going right now.  I wake up, study throughout the day, go to random exercise classes at the local 24 hr fitness (Zumba is my new favorite activity), or hang out with friends and watch movies (or play guitar hero), or play intense games of... Fishbowl.  I'm not complaining. This is NIIIIIIIICE. I'm even bobbing my head as I say it. 

Haha. I'm 26 years old, which I revealed to a new friend of mine who apparently thought I was 22 or 23. This came up because he asked me when I would want to get married--I didn't think anything of it, mostly because he seems like the kind of "dude" that just asks questions (plus, he's happily girlfriended).  I realized I was kind of disappointed that I had to admit how old I actually was.  I think I wanted him to keep thinking I was younger.

I guess hanging out with people who are a few years younger than me would make me slightly self-conscious about the fact that I'm 26.  But it really shouldn't. 

This is all correlated in someway...it's one big train of thought.  I think me being 26 and still kind of living the life of a "youngin" makes me wonder if I should be doing something more.... "mature."  I don't know.  Maybe I should just be thankful with where I'm at.  And I am.  I also believe that I am exactly where God wants me... so who cares what sort of internal judgment I'm projecting onto this situation right now? 

What do most 26 year olds do, anyway? 

Bah. Well, who cares.  I am enjoying myself and living life in a new way.  I feel really free.  And I'm excited for what's coming in these next few months...in the next year! At the same time,  I'm enjoying each day as it comes, too. I have a feeling I should soak up this season of my life.  Take it for what it is.

Procrastination.

GUHHHHHHH.

I have a buttload that's due over the next few weeks.  And what am I doing?

Cleaning my room. Doing Laundry. Organizing the CD's in my car. Watching "Tangled." 

What should I be doing?
Academic Literature Survey (due Monday)
Calling medical agencies in Bell Gardens, CA for a community project that's due in 2 weeks
applying for nursing jobs
...among other things

I hate not being motivated just as much as I hate doing homework.  I'm most definitely not someone who puts a ton of effort into homework, especially when I would rather be having fun.  I often wonder how this is going to translate into day-to-day life for me.  In my defense, when I really want to do something or really interested in something, it's not work for me.  I hate school. I hate the busy work.  I just want to be free from all this.  Bring on the real world.

Ok. I'm done venting. Off to find research articles related to the ethics behind reporductive technologies so I can write a 5 page paper on it. I'm setting a goal for myself to have it done by today.  So I can have a time to just chill on Sunday and enjoy my 6 hour break between classes on Monday.

Ready. Set. GO!