vulnerABILITY

I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?"  I responded by asking what he meant by that.   He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff."  I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars.  I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.

I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants.  Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like.  Often,  these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me).  I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom.  When life is tough, anything else is pure crap.  Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me:  God is predictably good. He saves and redeems.  He is not cruel and unjust.  He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.

In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality.  That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work.  I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.

I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender.  However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful.  I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option.  A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.

I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so.  I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different.  I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around.  He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him.  And I hope the same goes for me.  I mean, I think it's a double edged sword.  I know people will be judgmental either way.  It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world."  Whatever. 

I wrote the following excerpt a year and a half ago, reflecting on Mary's unique situation--a bethrothed woman, a virgin, chosen by God to carry the Savior of the world in her womb... and the cultural/emotional hardships this might have brought up for her and Joseph...

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

Pain and disappointment have been my bosom buddies over the last few years--if you read through this blog, you will see what I mean.  Some of it was self-inflicted, but most of it are residuals from my familial history--which directly have affected some of the decisions I have made in the last year that have only left me hurt and crestfallen.

I have spent a lot of time today rationalizing, finding reasons to help me make sense of my most recent disappointment.  I've lamented about life and reached out for prayer.  I've also sought counsel and wisdom and community.  I see God's hand in things, but I also feel like I'm ready to be anywhere else but here. But I know there's no place I can really run away to, anyway, since my baggage(s) is (are) my constant companion(s).

The tension between believing in God's promises but waiting for them to come to fruition has never been easy for anyone. I often think about why God wants us to learn to wait on Him. But I've discovered that the waiting isn't meant to be rational or logical since God is not human and His ways are higher.

Frankly, its hard to sit in the fact that a year ago from today, life was painful and hard, mostly because of a very difficult family situation that had surfaced.  God made Abraham wait 90+ years before He gave Abraham the son, the heir, that He had promised, so is it obnoxious for me to think that a year later my life would be drastically different? That I wouldn't be hurting? I mean, my life is different today than it was a year ago and God has carried me through some of the hurt that 2011 had to offer, but I think I'm mostly disappointed that I am still hurting...about the same things in some ways and hurting in some new ways, too.  I do look forward for the ways that God will heal me and I know, or at least choose to believe that He will redeem the pain and turn it into something beautiful. Ergo, hope is not too elusive.

But Lord knows I'm ready to catch a break. I'm ready for something different.

After the Fact...

I am a college graduate. 

It's been a long time coming for me--maybe that's why the post-college feeling is all the more sweeter, smoother even. I feel very blessed--especially because I have a job.  A job that I am ecstatic and giddy about.  If you had told me a few months ago that I would have a job right out of school, I would've laughed very obnoxiously in your face.  My expectations were very low, mostly because those kinds of things don't really happen to me. If you've read my blog over the last few months (or years), it's pretty evident that I have been dealing with a lot of disappointments and discouragements--from either external situations or my own internal experience. So, why would I expect anything else?  This isn't meant to sound depressing or hopeless--I think my low expectations were equal parts humility and acceptance of my low estate, with maybe a mild tinge of self-pity. 

 Anyways, I think I really had reached a point of honest to goodness humility...and surrender.  God had brought me to that place and I wasn't going to fight him anymore. Don't get me wrong--it's a good place to be, but it did take quite a bit to get me here.   However, I still came up with some semblance of a plan--because I'm a woman and a woman who likes to plan things.  I called it PLAN B and it entailed going to bartending school and working at a bar in downtown Fullerton and maybe nannying, too.  I was even thinking about revisiting my days as a barista and planned to work at starbucks or any coffee shop that would employ a person with a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. All I knew was I wanted to be with people and talk to people, to be in the world and not of it, to be in ministry through relationships with people who are different from me, to love them as Jesus did... to love them as Jesus as has taught me to do.

But God still blessed me with a job that I would've given my left arm for. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration.  I probably wouldn't have torn out a limb to work at a clinic on Skid Row, but I remember despising the thought of working at some adult medical-surgical floor just for experience--but I was going to buck up and do it if I got hired at a hospital. However, God saw my heart and what I desired to do with my life and He is gracious enough to give me the opportunity to work with homeless people in downtown L.A... as a nurse. 

Oh man, there's still so much to say.  Because...God not only blessed me with a job, but also brought reconciliation in my life. He has taught me what true forgiveness is and what it means to entrust this process to Him. Things with my family had been the brunt of my spiritual and emotional distress and I didn't even think we would be whole come graduation time.  But the goodness of God prevailed.  I doubted His goodness and His love and may I never do it again--at least not anytime soon.

Over the years, I had become wary of saying "Glory to God," because I came from a background where those three words were dropped like it's hot. But they were empty words, without meaning, without real understanding, without real substantial and heartfelt belief.

But today, I can say it. GLORY TO GOD.  Those three words hold the last 5 years of my life, the ups and the downs--mostly downs-- the trials and the heartaches, the blessings of new realizations, the struggle in wrestling with God amidst the pain and most importantly--real and honest surrender, a willingness to let go of control of my life because God has proven His sovereignty, care, love and provision.

I pray that I will carry and hold true to this very important lesson in my life as I move on to a new chapter...

Acceptance.

I spent Monday and part of Tuesday up in Idyllwild, CA.  I had never gone on a solo retreat before--I guess I never saw the need for it.  But in light of recent events and ever growing burden on my weary heart, I knew I needed to go.

It was a gorgeous house on top of the mountain, surrounded by nature and I had it all to myself.  The owners, a couple who heard God call them to build this retreat center, really provided a place of safety, comfort and peace.  It's a place dedicated for weary travelers to find their center once again in Jesus.

I had never been happier than when I was sitting alone in that huge house by myself.  There was silence and the grandiose view of mountains and towering pine trees.  I even went on a hike to a place called "Inspiration Point."  And I sat there for hours just reflecting on my life, amidst nature, and connecting with God in a way that I hadn't in a long time.

It was there on the mountain top that I was able to see clearly all the burdens that I had been carrying: anger, resentment, holding on to a sense of control and not wanting to let go of it, most importantly--an unwillingness to accept my life and all the pain and hardship that I have endured and my personal struggles that I battle with on a day to day basis.   I wrestled with the thought that I merely had to accept the pain, when pain is, well, so painful.  What would that acceptance mean?  Would that mean that I would allow myself to sit in that pain?  Does that mean I can't always expect God to do something about it? Does that mean accepting that God may never do anything about it?

It was good to get away, to think, to process.  But as soon as I came back down from the mountain--I saw that life didn't change.  I wasn't really expecting it to.  It's still hard and I still have my issues.  However, it's like my pain had never been quite so blatantly exposed in front of me.  The difference is, though I wrestled with it for a while last night, I woke up tired and humbled this morning.  I need to accept my life and my pain.  And I think I am doing that as I sit here blogging about it.  I woke up this morning and called to mind truth that God is in it with me, working in me and bringing me to a place where I will see that it is worth it.  I don't know when that will be but I'm not trying to put a limit on it anymore. 

The paradoxical nature of acceptance is letting go of my need to get away from pain in order to bring God in.  Trusting in God then means that I'm not simply sitting here, but digging deeply into the root of my pain and working through it to find healing. 

With all that to say, I accept my life.  I accept my humility. I accept that restoration may happen, or may it not happen the way I want it to.  I accept that restoration may mean something completely unexpected.  I accept the unexpected.  I accept my pain and the sadness that comes with it from time to time.  I accept the not-so-ideals, the unfulfilled desires, the blessings in disguises, and the waiting.  I accept myself and who God has made me to be, even the parts that seem less desirable to others--especially to myself-- the parts that God is currently renewing and restoring. I accept that God is good amidst the pain, that He is present whether or not I acknowledge it.

I accept it all.

My encouragement today.

"The LORD will fight for you, and you only have to be silent." [Exodus 14:14]

Sometimes, life is just overwhelming.  There's only so much I can do.  I see the extent of my weakness yet again.  And I must and choose to believe that God cares and that He is working in ways that I can't even begin to imagine.

I truly believe that God is using that verse and this song to remind me that He cares about me in ways that I don't fully realize yet. 

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
my life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
He hears me when I call

On Sin and Digging Trenches

Since I've been on vacation and I have nothing imminent or pressing to attend to in the mornings, I find myself laying in bed, trying to unravel, or solve, life's mysteries within the first hour of my awakening.

This morning was no different.

My alarm went of at 9:00 but I was well awake before then, thinking about my life and random aspects of it. And while I was laying there thinking, the idea of sin floated through my mind.  What is sin? And what ignoring sin or pretending like something isn't a sin can do for a person's soul.  I pictured a determined scruffy young man, digging a trench in the country side somewhere.  I don't know why he's digging this trench, but he's determined to get to something or maybe to escape from some unwelcomed unhappiness that has recently entered into his life. Somehow, in his toil and sweat, he finds satisfaction in the digging and as he gets deeper into his trench, in his mind, he's productively escaping from whatever it is that he's running from.  However, as he digs deeper,  he realizes that he's dug himself a hole that he can't climb out of.  And he tries for sometime.  But the dirt walls of this trench crumble apart as he tries to find his footing.  Eventually he gives up.  He sits there, at the bottom of his trench, feeling more hopeless and forgotten than he ever has before.  He begins to think that death would be better than sitting alone in the darkness.

I've come to realize that living according to God's standards extends beyond the Ten Commandments (thou shalt not lie, or covet your neighbor's plasma screen, or steal it, etc).  I think God gave Moses the Ten Commandments as a prototype, or model, a bullet point summary, if you will, of what God really wants out of His people--which is absolute devotion to Him.   I am 99% sure that God wants me to find my happiness and joy in Him.  I know that God wants me to include Him in my daily life, to be at the center of every big life changing decision, to spend most of my time thinking about Him, and to love Him more than I love anything else in this world, including my family, my significant other (if I had one), my friends and most especially, myself.  And I know that He also wants me to treat other people well because He made them and thus I should respect and give worth to what He's created.

So, then, in light of all this, what is sin? The best and most sincere definition I can come up with right now is that it is an action, that begins with a thought that seeks to serve myself and causes harm to myself, my relationship with God and/or with other people.  Furthermore, I think the issue of sin goes deeper, goes beyond just the act.  Like the trench digger, I believe that people find themselves "in sin" when life becomes less ideal, or find that waiting on God's timing, or believing that God is good, seems pointless at a particular juncture in time.  Sin begins as an impulse, when shovel first meets dirt--whether it's in rebellion or impatience, or hopelessness that leads to self-destruction. 

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago at an Irish pub in Santa Barbara when I visited a friend for her birthday.   He bought me a snakebite (pear cider and beer) and we proceeded to engage in a light-hearted conversation that quickly became a more deep and meaningful one.  He told me that he used to recruit strippers for a local strip club, which was an interesting conversation in and of itself, but he immediately followed that by telling me that he was perpetually drunk.  He asked me why I thought he was always drunk.  I looked at him for a few seconds and said, "is there something about your life that you don't want to think about?"  He smiled and raised his fist in air and said, "I hate my fuckin' life! It's pretty shitty. And my mind never stops thinking so I just drink till I'm happy." I told him that that made sense.  People around us, raised their glasses.  Of course, those who laughed and agreed with him were having a horrible week, too.  One guy in particular said that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him on Christmas day and also tried to run him over with her car.  He bought shots for everyone before he stumbled out of the pub to the next.

Humans, no matter how christian we are, cannot help ourselves from falling into sin, or digging our trenches.  Especially, when we engage this broken world and entangle ourselves with broken people.  I am not much different from those two guys I met at the bar. I get it. I know that the only thing holding me back from getting drunk off my ass is something supernatural, which is an overactive conscience, i.e. the Holy Spirit.   So, that's one trench that I have yet to start digging, not to say that I haven't started several.  I am an impatient, impulsive and selfish person after all.  I know that sin becomes such a tantalizing option when the waiting gets too long, or when life is too overwhelming to engage or participate in, or when people are hurtful.   

Sin is sin and it is the very reason why God sent Jesus Christ to die on the Cross, to pay the death penalty that sinning against God requires.  And because of this great act of mercy, there is always hope for sinners like me:   God's grace is the ladder that comes down into my trenches and helps me climb out of it.  And His love is what welcomes me back home with a hug and warm cup of chamomille tea. Mmm.

I know that I've lived the majority of my Christian life, trying not to sin.  But I've recently thrown that template for life out of the proverbial window because a human being simply cannot just NOT sin.  If we could just stop, then Jesus wouldn't have had to make the ultimate sacrifice.  Contrary to popular belief, becoming a Christian does not make one less human, if anything it makes one more aware of their humanity.  This is not to say that Christians shouldn't try to leave our shovels in the tool shed, if you know what I mean.  But that's what this whole Christianity thing is about, choosing to live for God and believe that He is good and that He loves me, instead of choosing to throw caution to the wind, to seek after things that last about as long as an impulse.  It's trusting that His options are better than my options, that they promote a much more healthy outlook on life.  That waking up and remembering that I have been blessed with so much is less depressing, and more productive than dwelling on how lonely I feel.  That being sober is much healthier than being drunk.  That waiting to have sex until I'm married will significantly decease the emotional turmoil and heartache in my life that would surely come, if I share such an intimate moment with other men.  That spending time reading about Him is much more enriching for my soul than wasting the day away, intentionally avoiding it. 

That life is meant to be lived intentionally seeking after and enjoying the presence of a good God, no matter our circumstance, and remembering His grace and forgiveness when we feel like our faith is small and our doubts are overpowering.

Perfect Timing.

My roommate and I were discussing God's perfect timing yesterday. We both believed and consented to the fact that whatever happens to us, whatever circumstance we find ourselves in--whether good or bad--is all part of God's sovereignty over all things and His amazing ability to orchestrate everything for the purposes of His glory, our sanctification and the deepening of our relationship with Him.

However, I think I only say that God's timing is perfect when something good, or more specifically-- when something that makes me feel good, happens. In that context, I have no problem saying that God's timing is perfect. After all, the word "perfect" is associated with bright and shiny things. Things like getting engaged, getting married, getting a job that you've always wanted, getting money, a new relationship, having a baby, graduation...and the list goes on.

But what about everything else? Like losing a job? Break-ups? Divorce? Raw revelations of trauma and past hurts? Death? A car accident? Sickness?

Or...what about... getting pregnant at 14, out of wedlock, and the father is not the man you are betrothed to? How much more convenient it would've been for Mary to be pregnant when she was already married to Joseph. How much more "perfect" the timing would've been if that were the case.

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

I can imagine Mary wondering this as she and Joseph journeyed to Bethlehem while she was 9 months pregnant, to give birth to Jesus in a manger, a stable filled with smelly animals and hay instead of the comforts of her own home.

Perfect doesn't mean it has to feel good, but it does mean that God is accomplishing something in our lives, at this very perfect moment. Whatever comes up or feels weird this Christmas season, I hope that you go deep with God in those things in order for Him to work those things out for your good. We're meant to converse with God about our pain and our trials. It is unproductive to just blame our sin, or ourselves, or other people. No, that's too easy. I believe this is a very practical application of Romans 8:28 and also Philippians 2:12b-13: "...work out your salvation WITH fear AND trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

Crack(ed) head

The mind is such an interesting, overlooked thing, in terms of how most people don't realize, how the way we think can really affect how we live our lives. Well, I guess it's only overlooked and ignored in some, if not most, conservative Christian circles. Or conservatives in general, like the baby boomer generation. What is their deal, anyway?

Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.

This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.

I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.

Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.

haha psychoanalyze that.

The One in Which Hosea marries a Ho'...

Not to digress too much, but the post title is inspired by my current obsession with "Friends." I was never really allowed to watch it when I was younger, which was probably a good thing. Now that I'm a grown-up, I find it so funny. And laughing is like a drug that I cannot ever get enough of...

Anyway,

I've never really reflected on the book of Hosea before, mostly because I don't understand it and it makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, the whole story of Hosea and Gomer seems so sick and twisted and cruel. But I think some part of me connected to Hosea today. The notion that God often asks us to do things that we don't understand and asks us to do things that are seemingly, or blatantly, outside the status quo is kind of hitting me in the face right now. Not that I'm doing anything in particular that speaks to this. I ain't speakin' to no burning bush outside my house and I'm not about to marry a male prostitute, at least God hasn't communicated that to me....yet. But in any case, it's good to be reminded that just because things are hard/weird, or doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense and people are not necessarily jumping on your bandwagon and advising you to get off it--it doesn't mean that it's outside of God's will. A wise man, by the name of Mark Twain once said, "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

In Hosea's case, God told him to marry a prostitute, in order to demonstrate His active pursuit of the wayward and adulterous Israel and how He eventually wins them over (in their surrender) because of His unfailing and merciful love.

I asked myself, what in the hell do you suppose people around Hosea thought about this little ordeal. Hosea, being a prophet of God, finds himself a woman on the street who sells her body for sex and marries her! I can't even imagine how that would play out today! What did people, that Hosea was trying to reach, think about that? More profoundly, what was Hosea thinking/feeling through all of this? Hosea, being a mere human being, might've wondered, 'why me?' Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing this too much, but I believe that it's in the Bible for a reason and those reasons, I believe, are in part --but definitely not limited to--- the usual overstated explanations (i.e revealing God's true nature, seeing ourselves reflected in Israel's disloyalty and unfaithfulness, etc). What if we siphoned out a sense of reality from all this? Old testament characters might be ancient, but that doesn't make them less human than we are now.

As I continue to think about Hosea, I think about the realities of living a life with the intention of following Jesus. The pursuit of God, in our feeble attempts to stay true to what He is asking us to do, which SO goes against the grain of our selfish nature, will cause a lot of physical, emotional and mental tension. And this tension, this wrestling that can lead us to a degree of distress and agony--should we choose to engage the hard realities of life--is us wrestling with our own human limitations. Limitations can be our selfishness, or underlying issues that stem from our past experiences, which can often disrupt the happy, bubbly world we desire to live in.

So with all that to say, maybe Hosea's ordeal was not just for Israel to learn from. Maybe Hosea had to learn a lot about himself, too.

Whatever it is that we find ourselves wrestling with, it's good to remember that God has our backs. And that He's not allowing us to go through hard situations just for the "fun of it." He's always purposeful. And through each hard thing that we endure--fiery trials, dark nights of the soul, a season of drought, etc-- He teaches us, not just about Him, but about US and He makes us a better version of ourselves. He makes us more Jesus-like.

And that...was a lot of self-preaching.

Εμπιστοσύνη

"Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right."

read.

For reminiscing, among other things...

original song by Linell Catalan (2006) and major kudos to a dear friend, Elise Berg, who helped me pen the lyrics.



I had long hair!!! I wrote this song last easter (April 2009). Both of these songs were byproducts of seasons of trial in my life. I've discovered that meaningful songs tend to flow out more naturally when I really need something real and less confusing to cling to.

Blessings y'all.

22

if words could be put in more than graceful arrangements
and if feelings could be aligned in disarraignment
if things were to make sense between absurdity and doubt
there would be less things in life to figure out

if the mind could find ways to implode
so as not to reveal all that needs to be told--
epiphones become daily euphamisms
of a life seemingly lived in dualism

if ambiguity was an art, she’d be the master
she would muster up questions that remain unanswered
abstract thinking would become the norm

for if home is where the heart is,


maybe she isn’t quite home.

Heart to head (and vice-versa).

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." [James 1: 2-4]

I remember mulling over this verse and giving this verse to others with the intention to encourage them without really understanding for myself what it means. In fact, I know I've said things like "joy will come from trials," or maybe telling others that trials are a "good thing" without believing it at all. But now, the older and more mature version of myself says: what human being is truly, instinctively, thankful when life decides to give out under them and they fall flat on their face?

God only knows.

And by the way, I don't think God is surprised when our hearts, or what we truly believe is disconnected to what we say or do (though we may very well surprise ourselves). In Hosea 6, God rebukes Israel and Judah, "What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? Your love is like a morning cloud, like the dew that goes early away." God could see deep into their hearts, and He knew that their love was fleeting, it was not that they were unfaithful to Him, but they had forsaken the knowledge of God and truth. And God tells him what He wants from them in verse 6, "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings." God wants his people to have the right hearts, ones that hold an affectionate knowledge of God, which fills the mind with reverence of his majesty, fear of his goodness, love of his holiness, trust in his promise, and submission to his will.

The amazing thing is that God's grace is unimaginably abundant and endless. In His mercy, He doesn't allow those who He loves to remain in a perpetual disconnect. And God does use trials, because trials provide a perfect medium for growth and has a way of nurturing the seeds of spiritual knowledge that have been sown by time spent reading scripture, or sitting under sound teaching. I imagine a "Jack and the Magic bean stalk" scenario: the magic beans of Christian faith and understanding, that have been planted in our hearts, grows and grows and grows amidst the strife and chaos of life until it reaches it's ultimate destination: our head. Not sure how the giant and the golden goose fits in to my analogy, so we're going to pretend like they're not part of the story...

Some personal application (and please know that I say the following things with tentative eagerness): This morning I realized that James 1:2-4 is no longer a strange and unwelcome enigma in my psyche. I no longer fear trials (or resent them) but welcome them as a necessary medium for my personal growth. I believe that I have entered into a season of deep, deep joy and satisfaction in who God is (I think I journal-ed about how I've come to this place a few weeks ago.) I am grateful to report that I am still inexplicably and deeply, happy. I do feel complete and lacking in nothing, amidst discomfort, stress and not-so ideal situations. More importantly, I would like to say this: I used to think, that in able to feel complete and be lacking in nothing, that I needed to be in a relationship or be married and/or that I need to be finished with school and have a steady income. It's amazing to me how I could say that I didn't need those things, even though my heart begged to differ.

The LORD has done amazing things in my life. I hope that this encourages you, dear reader. And I hope and pray that God continues to lead you into a deeper, fuller and less confusing knowledge of Him and His love for you.

joy.

buried deeply
within the strongholds of His delight,
an ever present fixture,
my soul's stalagmite.
despair's trumpets call to woo the light,
inflaming faith's beacon,
even in the darkest of night.

a sigh of relief,
breathes life to cold bones,
filling their lungs to silence
their dark and dreary groans.
a prodigal stranger misplaced from his home,
once lost and misguided,
is no longer alone.

the Portrait.

"For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more."
-Jeremiah 31:34-

a portrait of anything,
overflows with true nature of
whatever it is
that it parodies.

our self portraits betrays
our truly hideous subliminals:
for we are ugly,
ugly in our bitterness,
ugly in our insecurity,
ugly in our love for money,
ugly in our pursuit of instant gratification,
ugly in our self-love.
ugly in our hatred.

but vain are we,
in our ravenous hunt for acquiescense.
frivolously painting over the ugly parts,
to hide our insufferable essence.

inevitability presumes the erosion and decay
of these self-made portraits, for even indestructible
mountains are worn away by the winds and its seasons.

only that which we had worked so hard to conceal remain;
tenacious anchors of the fabricated assumptions
of who we thought we were.
and when only the hideous remains,
the pursuit of love and acceptance evolves
to despair,
for who will love us in our ugliness?

Tozer and Psychodynamic Therapy

If Tozer were alive today, I think he and I would be able to have an intelligent conversation about the benefits of Christianity-infused psychotherapy. And this is why:

"That our idea of God correspond as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. Compared with our actual thoughts about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence. Our real idea of God lie buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and rigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what it is" [A.W. Tozer]

re: beauty & perspectives

maybe it is because my emotions are worn loosely on my sleeves,
and i am prone to think with my heart more often than my mind would like to admit
but i find beauty in the least expected places, it seems

i find beauty in perspectives,
i find beauty in the discomfort of differences,
in the ever present shades of gray, knitted firmly
in my life-like tapestry.

differences play a role in redefining, refining--faith.

those who think with their hearts despise logic,
those who think with their minds refuse their heart's cry...
which is right? is the other wrong?
there is redeeming beauty in remembering the tension,
--meant to keep the head and the heart in their proper places

soon enough, it won't matter the wrongness or the rightness of it all,
if the ground swallows them, or whether they are stunned with the parting of clouds,
revealing the brightness of the Son, who was destined to rule them all.

"I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened." [Fyodor Dostoevsky]

What my heart wants to believe.

"...Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fulness all He takes away."