vulnerABILITY

I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?"  I responded by asking what he meant by that.   He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff."  I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars.  I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.

I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants.  Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like.  Often,  these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me).  I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom.  When life is tough, anything else is pure crap.  Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me:  God is predictably good. He saves and redeems.  He is not cruel and unjust.  He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.

In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality.  That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work.  I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.

I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender.  However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful.  I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option.  A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.

I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so.  I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different.  I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around.  He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him.  And I hope the same goes for me.  I mean, I think it's a double edged sword.  I know people will be judgmental either way.  It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world."  Whatever. 

It is good.

Today, I sat outside a cafe in downtown Fullerton. I sat on a paisley cushion atop a white wicker chair, taking in the eclectic outdoor patio decoration at Cafe Veronese. I lazily sipped on coffee, in between bites of a decadent chocolate cake.  I let my eyes feast on the vines that grew along the fence,  and I giggled softly because I loved the sight of yellow flowers speckled throughout.  I listened to the fountain and let the sound of the water coax me into a more peaceful mood.  The sun gleamed softly, its warm light reflected by the white tiled table top, touched my face like a gentle kiss.  A gentle and cool breeze caressed my hair and the edges of my mustard yellow skirt.  The sky was clear and the clouds were like cotton balls, arranged messily in groups of threes and fours.

As I sat there, I marveled at my inner peace.  I felt genuinely thankful for life and that I could enjoy the little things.  That things like yellow flowers, chocolate cake and 74 degree weather still makes a substantial impact on my soul. 

The last 8 weeks or so have been, well--for lack of a better term--a doozy.  If you had told me that by week 10, I would be so relaxed and so peaceful, that I would be stuffing my face full of cake,  I probably wouldn't have believed you.  I might even have told you that you were effing crazy.

I guess it just goes to show that I am still one of little faith.  Well, it's a growing faith.  It's still quite miniscule.  But, I do see it growing stronger.  Getting bigger. More bold.  Less afraid.  And this peace that comes with it is most definitely a gift of grace, from God, who I am convinced today loves and cares about His people.  That He loves and cares about me.

It's not like I did anything extra special either.  Neither has much of my external situations changed--other than the fact that I'm mostly done with school projects/presentations.  There are still quite a few aspects in my life that are less than ideal. 

I think I realized this last Friday, that if Jesus can calm a raging storm and churning waves, if Jesus can still the mighty ocean, then His power is sufficient to bring about peace in whatever life situation I find myself in.   It's so good to see His power and His work within me.  Especially because I have not held back from showing Him/telling Him about what I truly think and feel about the crap that has happened. I feel like I really, truly wrestled with all that has been going on.  Being honest with myself and with other people.  It certainly has not been easy.  

As I sat there and ate my cake,  I thanked Him for listening.  I thanked Him for caring about my humanity and giving space for my emotions.  I thanked Him for helping me overcome my fears and for helping me see a side of surrender that I have never seen before.  I looked at where I've been and where I am now, in this place of substantial peace--I see that I have gained a better sense of what it means to trust God.  It's really amazing.  It's almost ineffable.

So yeah.  Today is a good day.  I want to enjoy it.

Lastly, I want to end with a verse that seems to make more sense to me now than it ever has before: 

"For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me." [Colossians 1:29]

Toodles.

On Sin and Digging Trenches

Since I've been on vacation and I have nothing imminent or pressing to attend to in the mornings, I find myself laying in bed, trying to unravel, or solve, life's mysteries within the first hour of my awakening.

This morning was no different.

My alarm went of at 9:00 but I was well awake before then, thinking about my life and random aspects of it. And while I was laying there thinking, the idea of sin floated through my mind.  What is sin? And what ignoring sin or pretending like something isn't a sin can do for a person's soul.  I pictured a determined scruffy young man, digging a trench in the country side somewhere.  I don't know why he's digging this trench, but he's determined to get to something or maybe to escape from some unwelcomed unhappiness that has recently entered into his life. Somehow, in his toil and sweat, he finds satisfaction in the digging and as he gets deeper into his trench, in his mind, he's productively escaping from whatever it is that he's running from.  However, as he digs deeper,  he realizes that he's dug himself a hole that he can't climb out of.  And he tries for sometime.  But the dirt walls of this trench crumble apart as he tries to find his footing.  Eventually he gives up.  He sits there, at the bottom of his trench, feeling more hopeless and forgotten than he ever has before.  He begins to think that death would be better than sitting alone in the darkness.

I've come to realize that living according to God's standards extends beyond the Ten Commandments (thou shalt not lie, or covet your neighbor's plasma screen, or steal it, etc).  I think God gave Moses the Ten Commandments as a prototype, or model, a bullet point summary, if you will, of what God really wants out of His people--which is absolute devotion to Him.   I am 99% sure that God wants me to find my happiness and joy in Him.  I know that God wants me to include Him in my daily life, to be at the center of every big life changing decision, to spend most of my time thinking about Him, and to love Him more than I love anything else in this world, including my family, my significant other (if I had one), my friends and most especially, myself.  And I know that He also wants me to treat other people well because He made them and thus I should respect and give worth to what He's created.

So, then, in light of all this, what is sin? The best and most sincere definition I can come up with right now is that it is an action, that begins with a thought that seeks to serve myself and causes harm to myself, my relationship with God and/or with other people.  Furthermore, I think the issue of sin goes deeper, goes beyond just the act.  Like the trench digger, I believe that people find themselves "in sin" when life becomes less ideal, or find that waiting on God's timing, or believing that God is good, seems pointless at a particular juncture in time.  Sin begins as an impulse, when shovel first meets dirt--whether it's in rebellion or impatience, or hopelessness that leads to self-destruction. 

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago at an Irish pub in Santa Barbara when I visited a friend for her birthday.   He bought me a snakebite (pear cider and beer) and we proceeded to engage in a light-hearted conversation that quickly became a more deep and meaningful one.  He told me that he used to recruit strippers for a local strip club, which was an interesting conversation in and of itself, but he immediately followed that by telling me that he was perpetually drunk.  He asked me why I thought he was always drunk.  I looked at him for a few seconds and said, "is there something about your life that you don't want to think about?"  He smiled and raised his fist in air and said, "I hate my fuckin' life! It's pretty shitty. And my mind never stops thinking so I just drink till I'm happy." I told him that that made sense.  People around us, raised their glasses.  Of course, those who laughed and agreed with him were having a horrible week, too.  One guy in particular said that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him on Christmas day and also tried to run him over with her car.  He bought shots for everyone before he stumbled out of the pub to the next.

Humans, no matter how christian we are, cannot help ourselves from falling into sin, or digging our trenches.  Especially, when we engage this broken world and entangle ourselves with broken people.  I am not much different from those two guys I met at the bar. I get it. I know that the only thing holding me back from getting drunk off my ass is something supernatural, which is an overactive conscience, i.e. the Holy Spirit.   So, that's one trench that I have yet to start digging, not to say that I haven't started several.  I am an impatient, impulsive and selfish person after all.  I know that sin becomes such a tantalizing option when the waiting gets too long, or when life is too overwhelming to engage or participate in, or when people are hurtful.   

Sin is sin and it is the very reason why God sent Jesus Christ to die on the Cross, to pay the death penalty that sinning against God requires.  And because of this great act of mercy, there is always hope for sinners like me:   God's grace is the ladder that comes down into my trenches and helps me climb out of it.  And His love is what welcomes me back home with a hug and warm cup of chamomille tea. Mmm.

I know that I've lived the majority of my Christian life, trying not to sin.  But I've recently thrown that template for life out of the proverbial window because a human being simply cannot just NOT sin.  If we could just stop, then Jesus wouldn't have had to make the ultimate sacrifice.  Contrary to popular belief, becoming a Christian does not make one less human, if anything it makes one more aware of their humanity.  This is not to say that Christians shouldn't try to leave our shovels in the tool shed, if you know what I mean.  But that's what this whole Christianity thing is about, choosing to live for God and believe that He is good and that He loves me, instead of choosing to throw caution to the wind, to seek after things that last about as long as an impulse.  It's trusting that His options are better than my options, that they promote a much more healthy outlook on life.  That waking up and remembering that I have been blessed with so much is less depressing, and more productive than dwelling on how lonely I feel.  That being sober is much healthier than being drunk.  That waiting to have sex until I'm married will significantly decease the emotional turmoil and heartache in my life that would surely come, if I share such an intimate moment with other men.  That spending time reading about Him is much more enriching for my soul than wasting the day away, intentionally avoiding it. 

That life is meant to be lived intentionally seeking after and enjoying the presence of a good God, no matter our circumstance, and remembering His grace and forgiveness when we feel like our faith is small and our doubts are overpowering.

Perfect Timing.

My roommate and I were discussing God's perfect timing yesterday. We both believed and consented to the fact that whatever happens to us, whatever circumstance we find ourselves in--whether good or bad--is all part of God's sovereignty over all things and His amazing ability to orchestrate everything for the purposes of His glory, our sanctification and the deepening of our relationship with Him.

However, I think I only say that God's timing is perfect when something good, or more specifically-- when something that makes me feel good, happens. In that context, I have no problem saying that God's timing is perfect. After all, the word "perfect" is associated with bright and shiny things. Things like getting engaged, getting married, getting a job that you've always wanted, getting money, a new relationship, having a baby, graduation...and the list goes on.

But what about everything else? Like losing a job? Break-ups? Divorce? Raw revelations of trauma and past hurts? Death? A car accident? Sickness?

Or...what about... getting pregnant at 14, out of wedlock, and the father is not the man you are betrothed to? How much more convenient it would've been for Mary to be pregnant when she was already married to Joseph. How much more "perfect" the timing would've been if that were the case.

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

I can imagine Mary wondering this as she and Joseph journeyed to Bethlehem while she was 9 months pregnant, to give birth to Jesus in a manger, a stable filled with smelly animals and hay instead of the comforts of her own home.

Perfect doesn't mean it has to feel good, but it does mean that God is accomplishing something in our lives, at this very perfect moment. Whatever comes up or feels weird this Christmas season, I hope that you go deep with God in those things in order for Him to work those things out for your good. We're meant to converse with God about our pain and our trials. It is unproductive to just blame our sin, or ourselves, or other people. No, that's too easy. I believe this is a very practical application of Romans 8:28 and also Philippians 2:12b-13: "...work out your salvation WITH fear AND trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

...

when life feels shitty, or when we are reminded of how shitty it can be, this a great promise to cling on to:

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." [Ephesians 3:20]

November.

I love first days of the month. They're like mini-reset buttons in life for me. I woke with a profound sense of newness, that feels as refreshing as the crisp, cool autumn morning.

Anyway, I just came back from a church retreat this weekend. Having spent the last 10 years, heavily immersed in church activities, I am no stranger to retreats. But this one was different. I think it's because the church that I've been attending for the last 8 months has been so different from any churches that I've ever been to. It's so amazingly different that I don't even like calling it a "church," because the word "church" has become a negative buzz word for so many people, including myself. Not the the "church," or the body of Christ, is in any way a bad thing, but Christians, have really botched things up, I think, in presenting the church in a good light. There have been so many people hurt, criticized, ostracized and estranged by the very thing that is supposed to represent the love of Christ to the rest of the world. And it's not only non-Christians, who have been hurt. There are a surprising amount of Christians who have been hurt by the church, too.

So, I like to call my church, a community of faithful people. Because it truly is a community of love and acceptance. Not only does Fountain of Life, loves and accepts those, that I believe other churches would not, but it is a place where God's word is preached boldly, where people are challenged to examine their hearts and encouraged to apply the message of the Gospel in practical, everyday living. I think that Fountain of Life's values are clearly articulated in these words: "Deeper in Christ. Further in mission." It is a place that I've really come to embrace the love of God and have come to grips with the fact that there is no way I can do the will of God, if I do not truly have a deep and heartfelt understanding of His love for me and for His people.

I feel so blessed to have spent the weekend with these people who treat me like I am part of their family. I have never felt so accepted for who I am, just the way I am. I am so amazed to see how God's love is truly transformational and so tangible when His people are intentional about showing it. I am excited about this church family. It's the kind of family that I would bring my lesbian/gay friends, too. I would bring cynics, atheists, agnostics, hypercalvinists, extreme fundamentalists and anyone from any other religion to this place, knowing and trusting that they would be loved and accepted as they are. It is so refreshing for me to realize that I am part of something that really seeks to reflect God's grace. And it's been so challenging for me to to really seek to trust that it is God's love and the message of Christ that transforms a person from the inside out. I am reminded constantly that He didn't require of me to have all my ducks in a row and to clean up my act before I could come to Him. No, He came to Earth. He became a human being. He died on the Cross. He came to me. He reached out to me. And thus, my outreach to others should be in the same way.

This weekend has been about Fountain of Life challenging me to live incarnationally. I realized that I have neighbors all around me that I don't even talk to, people that I can build relationships with and share the love of God with. I am so excited about this, but also kind of scared because I know it's not going to be easy, especially because I can be so selfish with my time and tend to be kind of disobedient. I trust that God will help me, through the Holy Spirit. So I'm being realistic...but still really excited!

Thus, I am looking forward to what November will bring :)

Beautiful things.

Double-mindedness

The whole issue of "double-mindedness" has strictly been regarded as an issue of straddling the line between worldliness and godliness--trying to follow God, but holding on to thoughts, ideas, or material things that are apart from God. I think that is what James meant when he addressed this issue in James 1:8. But as of late, I've been seeing a different kind of twist to the double-mindedness problem. It's a kind of doubt, confusion and instability that is a byproduct of trying to meet other people's expectations.

I've probably have blogged about the idea that there are unrealistic expectations placed on people due to the "christian standards" that our culture has created. These standards, include, but are not limited to: how a person should dress, how a person should think, how a person should meet their future spouse, how to read the bible, how to have quiet time, how to talk in church, what books to read and what books to not read and the list goes on. I don't want to deny the practicality of having standards, but it seems that those standards, like unwanted weeds in a garden, have the potential to suck the life and liberty and joy from those who are trying to live genuinely in their faith. Furthermore, I think that these rules and regulations tend to ignore the fact that people are created to be different from one another. Trying to standardize Christianity robs us the experience of growing and striving for unity amongst us. Without diversity of thoughts and ideas, the body of Christ will become dull and lifeless.

Anyway, I can speak for myself and my own double-mindedness. It is a struggle for me to really seek out what God wants me to do, to sit and listen to the Holy Spirit and to be genuine in my decisions in life because I have spent most of my Christian life heavily submerged in rules. Most of my decision-making is tainted by thoughts of "but is this...Christian enough? or "what would so and so think about this?" I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way. And I'm at the point where I'm telling myself, "who the hell cares?" I mean, God cares. Duh. And He's the only Person that I should be answering to, or seeking answers from. Which leads to another point: living life under certain standards causes one to idolize acceptance and affirmation. It would become the sole motivation to live a certain way, if we received external praise for the things we do and say on a regular basis. Because if that's how people judge how christian someone is, then that is what they'll do to prove how christian they are. Sadly, it becomes the basis on which we judge and view ourselves. And it is not right. This is not freedom!

There is a reality to life that is so messy and brilliant and beautiful in its uncertainties, outside of the standards and rules. There is so much that cannot and should not be tamed! And in this beautiful mess, we are meant to wrestle with God and seek a raw and unhindered, un-apprehensive relationship with Him, to experience the fullness of grace and mercy radically and to feel His love even more radically. I feel as though I'm emerging from the darkness of my past bondage and seeing life in a different way. But, there are these flickering images of my past that tempt to take away my freedom in Christ and tempts me to live the way I used to--in fear of rejection, and fear of disappointing people. I see a lot of my friends in this sort of bondage, too, or at least they are trying to break free from it, but it's causing a lot of this double-mindedness.

Not really sure on what note to end on. I feel like that was a lot to say. I do see hope and trust that God is working in all of this. And I'm thankful that His peace overcomes whatever anxieties my double-mindedness turns up.

Free (sigh) at last.

Between bites of milk chocolate raisins, I reflect on the beauty of the day. In a literal sense, the day is profoundly breath-taking: the cool breeze, the gentle beaming of the sun & the clarity of the blues and neat demarcation of cumulus nimbuses (nimbi?) in the Southern California sky is a rare, yet exalted event. I mean, I guess there are plenty of sunny days here, but how often are those sunny days apart from the oppressive southern California smog? I feel that the world around me is singing hallelujah, we're free at last. Or at least, free for the moment.

Today is also beautiful because I am celebrating a newly discovered sincerity regarding the beauty of God's love and acceptance of me. Well, I've been "celebrating" since Easter, but it was more like a "trial celebration." I think I was making sure that all the joy and freedom that I've been feeling wasn't some fluke. Thankfully, it's not and it is one of those defining moments that will/have change(d) me significantly. God didn't wave a magic wand to fix my life. In fact, nothing has changed much about my situation, except for the fact that I actually trust Him. It sounds so simple, but I went through Hell to figure that out. And I am so thankful that God wanted me to get it. I feel like I just woke up from a zombie-like indifference to the fact that I was allowing bitterness and anger to [continually] poke and prod me towards the precipice of self-pity and depression.

If you were to ask me to describe how I'm feeling, as stupid and lame as this may sound (and for the sake of avoiding Christianese) I feel like I have rainbows and shooting stars coming out of my chest. I am just so...happy. Like, Rainbow Brite happy. This baffles me, mostly because I know that the next couple of weeks are going to be really stressful, in terms of how much work I have to do for school. And I am facing huge financial difficulties, not just for me, but for my family. And to top it all off, I have to deal with a very real, and profoundly annoying, desire for marriage that has yet to be met.

I think I truly see, with the eyes of my heart, what the good news of the Gospel is (remind me later when I forget and hopefully I won't). Jesus died to set me free, not just from the wrath of God and the punishment of my sins, but from losing myself in despair. Jesus has given me a reason to fully trust God and to know I can have hope. Life is unambiguously hard, and even worse when I don't trust that God actually does care about me and my desires, or about how I feel about life. It's unbearable when I cannot accept His unconditional love. It's impossible when I cannot allow myself to rest in His grace. In short: God does care. His love for me is explicitly demonstrated through Christ's sacrifice. And the best part is that He will change me for the better, as I learn to trust Him.

To think, I was fighting to be happy on my own terms, when all I had to do was let go. This further solidifies my theory that God is indefinitely "backwards."

untitled

I realized that I may have sounded like I didn't like being around Christians at all in my last post...which isn't true. While in some ways, I think being around non-Christians is refreshing because they do see a lot of their own humanity and are often more understanding of the more human reactions to crap that happens in life, but they cannot replace fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ. I am thankful for people in my life who love me and speak words of wisdom into my life and people who understand what it means to pursue a life lived by faith.

I gave blood for the first time today and survived. Thank you, Jesus.

I've been listening to "Great is Thy Faithfulness" a lot in the past week. It's good to hear and sing and to think about what is true of God. I know this song consoles me a lot when i start to feel more than believe. Feelings are so often misleading. Not that its bad to be emotional but sometimes emotions are potent enough to convince us of something that we think is true and we lose our grip on reality. And today is no exception:


(this version of "Great is Thy Faithfulness is performed by Jeremy aka "Passion")

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Wait, shouldn't I know this already?

I found the following passage very encouraging/convicting. It's an excerpt from Martin-Lloyd Jones's book, Spiritual Depression: it's causes and cure. D. Martin-Lloyd Jones is the man. Or a man. But he's a wise one for a sure.

"Do not think in terms of bargains and rights in the kingdom of God. That is absolutely fatal. There is nothing so wrong as the spirit which argues because I do this, or because I have done that, I have a right to expecting something because I have done that, I have a right to expect something else in return. This is met with frequently. I know very good evangelical people, who seem to be thinking like that. 'Now,' they say, 'if we pray for certain things, we are bound to have them, for instance if we pray all night for revival we must have revival.' I have sometimes described this as the 'penny in the slot' idea of Christianity. You put in your coin and you draw out a bar of chocolate or whatever else you want...

...but that surely is to deny the whole principle which our LORD is teaching. I do not care what it is, whether prayer or anything else, in no respect must I ever argue that because I do something I am entitled to get something--never. And of course the principle can be seen to be true in practice...

...Let us get rid of this bargaining spirit, that if I do this then that will happen... The Holy Spirit is LORD, and He is a sovereign LORD. He sends these things in His own time and His own way. In other words we must realize that we have no right to do anything at all...even rewards are of grace. He need not give them, and if you think you can determine and predict how they are to come you will be quite wrong. Everything is of grace in the Christian life from the very beginning to the very end. To think in terms of bargains and to murmur at results, implies a distrust of Him, and we need to watch our own spirits lest we harbour the thought that He is not dealing with us justly and fairly.

If you start in that way you end by robbing yourself. I like the way in which our LORD teaches that. If you strike a bargain with God, well then it is almost certain that you will just get your bargain and no more...O Christian friends, do not make bargains with God. If you do, you will get only your bargain; but if you leave it to His grace, you will probably get more than you ever thought of. Of the Pharisees our LORD says: 'Verily they have seen their reward.' They do these things in order to be seen of men; they are seen of men, that is what they wanted and that is all they will get, they will get no more..."

Another semester begins...

School started yesterday. It was slightly overwhelming because it was a drastic change in my brain activity level--it was like going from zero to 60mph in 10 seconds. By the end of the day, I already felt like I was halfway through the semester...but it was only the first day! AH! Nursing school owns my life.

Not that I'm complaining, though I will admit that I am kind of freaking out. However, I am thoroughly excited for what this semester holds. My first clinical rotation, at the Children's Hospital of Orange County, makes me squeal with delight. I love children so much and I can't wait to get started. I know that this semester will have it's own unique joys and challenges, but I say... bring it on.

With the start of every semester--especially in these last two years--I tend to look back and wonder how I managed to make it through without spontaneously combusting. Last semester was the most difficult semester thus far, in terms of academic work load and emotional hardships. But I somehow made it through, even though there were days when the painfulness of it all almost consumed my world in darkness. Yeesh. I was really humbled in a way that the only person who mattered the most, the only person who was the most clear to me, whose love became more tangible and more real on a day to day basis was...God.

I know that I'm not completely in the clear of all the things that happened a few months ago. There are remnances that linger that kind of help me understand the whole "thorn in my side" idea that the Apostle Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12. These "thorns" seem to be gentle nudges, constant reminders of my weakness and my need to be completely dependent on God, and how the entirety of my will needs to be surrendered to His. It's become so strange to me that I see this kind of pain as something so good...something that encourages me so much when I take the time to remember how much more God matters.

Thus says the LORD:
'Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool; what is the house that you would build for me, and what is the place of my rest? All these things my hand has made, and so all these things came to be, declares the LORD. But this is the one to whom I will look; he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.

[Isaiah 66: 1-2]

Beautiful Mercy

Thank you, Kendra Bailey for sharing this song with me.

Beautiful Mercy by Laura Hackett

There is no pitt too deep
that Jesus cannot reach

there is no sorrow too strong
that will overtake his beloved ones

And He's brought me to the wilderness
where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean
Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
where I will learn to sing
and He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean

so kind, oh beautiful mercy
do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do (You know the best way)
oh Beautiful Mercy
do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
do what you have to do

So I will sing
yes, I will sing

even in the brokenness
I will sing
even in this loneliness

Giddy?

A warm feeling just rushed over me. Maybe it's because I'm drinking a peppermint hot chocolate from a "for here" mug at Starbucks--I love "for here" mugs.

Or maybe because, for some unexplainable reason, God has decided to bless me today with the very real realization that He loves me a whole lot. Duh, right? I mean I know that in my head. It's not quite as often that I feel like my heart is about to burst within me because I actually believe it. I feel like I've gained some ground in attempting to understand the infinite love of God.

The best part about this whole giddy feeling is that it feels like a gift. Like something I totally don't deserve. I appreciate it so much right now because a week ago it seemed like I had forgotten about the love of God and the love of others. It's something that I'm continually learning--a life lesson that I hope will never get old. God can take me to the lowest of valleys, but is faithful to reveal to me what matters the most: Himself.

God is showing me that my love for him should not be contingent on the good things in my life. I know that God wants me to be dependent on him apart from blessings, or when life seems to be running smoothly.

So, today is a good day. I'm having a good day. I am enjoying it. But, I'm not in Heaven yet. And the reality of life means that there are more lessons to learn, more frigid seasons to weather, more darkness to endure.

But today is a very good day.

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

when reality hits.

I was driving home from school today, when I suddenly realized how forgiven I was--which was surprising b/c it's been a hard week thus far. It was a very sobering, thankful thing that swept over me. I've been really honest with God this week, maybe more so than I have ever been, allowing myself be real with God about my imperfections, allowing myself to go deep into the trenches of my humanity. Normally, I find myself running from my shame or my short-comings, or trying to cover them up or trying to compensate by doing things like throwing myself into a ministry, or spouting out "Christianese" to myself and/or to anyone who would hear. No, this time I had no energy left to be "strong." It was a scary and intimidating thing to allow myself to see who I really am before God--there was that lingering doubt in my head, telling me: Can God really accept you? Will He listen to someone so incredibly broken and imperfect?

I think that I am beginning to let go of control in regards to how much I have to do, to sort of earn God's unconditional love. I think part of this is because I am in this process of accepting who I am--a kind of acceptance that encompasses all my faults, my struggles and my imperfections. I mean, scripture says that God has accepted that part of me. If God, in Christ, accept those things about me, then who am I to reject the person He's made me to be? I've accepted that I am going to mess up. A lot. There's no point in pretending that I know what the hell I'm doing. In fact, I am still un-sanctified in so many areas of my life, but now, instead of me trying to "fix" all those bad things myself, I am striving to trust that the Spirit of God will work those things out in me. My job is to abide in Christ and to seek Him. The LORD will prune my imperfections, so that I may bear more fruit. It is the LORD's job...not mine.

After all, the Gospel is not about my ability to keep the rules, or how involved I am in ministry, but the willingness of Christ to forgive me...because no matter what I do, I will mess up in some way, shape or form. In Christ, I am fully accepted and fully forgiven.

...so the Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly that all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.

Amen.

Ishmael

In Genesis 15, after Abram pleads his case about not having an heir to call his own, God makes a covenant with Abram, promising that Abram will have his own son. I'm sure Abram and Sarai were very excited about this when he came home that night to tell her the good news. But I also noticed that in this passage, God had not given any specifics about when this was going to happen or where this heir was coming from. I suppose one would naturally assume that Abram would logically deduce that this promised heir would come from his wife, Sarai. However, I don't think that it was a natural assumption for either Abram or Sarai because Sarai was barren. So, what then would the next logical--and culturally acceptable--step for Sarai to take, as Abram's loving and supportive wife? To give Abram her servant Hagar, so that through Hagar, Abram would have his heir.

We can know, after reading a few paragraphs later, that this was not how God planned to bring about Abram's heir. But Sarai and Abram did not know that. In fact, it was like they were standing at the end of a very dark cave, where they could see, in the distance, the twinkling light of God's promise. But they couldn't even see their feet--or the ground--in front of them, so...they took a step in the dark, towards that light--it didn't deter them from their course, nor did they fall into a hole in the ground.

It's not until Genesis 17:15 that God becomes more specific about the heir he promised Abram, now called Abraham. God tells him that this son will be coming from Sarai, re-named to be known as Sarah, his 90 year-old barren wife. When Abraham heard this, he fell on his face and laughed! It seemed too impossible and ridiculous! He even asked God if He could just use Abraham's already exisiting son, Ishmael, for what God has promised. Of course God says, "No." And God also restates his promise: "...Sarah, your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name, Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his offspring after him." But, God does not forget about Ishmael either: "As for Ishmael, I have heard you; behold, I have blessed him and will make him fruitful and multiply him greatly. He shall father twelve princes and I will make him into a great nation." It's amazing to see that even though Ishmael was not how God intended to bring about His covenant with Abraham, God still blessed him.

Reading the story about Ishmael and Abraham reminds me that God will remain steadfast to His promise--no matter what I do. God is a good God. He is faithful. He does what is best for His people--in a sense that He plans my life in accordance to what will bring Him the MOST glory. And while Christians can know and be sure that God has promised us good things, we find ourselves in the pitch blackness of our inability to forsee every outcome of every circumstance. I'm learning more and more that actually living out my faith in who God is means taking steps in the darkness of uncertainty and trusting that God will not leave me alone in that darkness. He is there to pick me up when I fall. He guides my steps and helps me get back on track when I take a wrong turn somewhere.

Like Sarai, I often make decisions that would seem to fit into God's will for my life, only to find out that it was kind of close...but not quite Isaac. Abraham and Sarah were not punished, nor were their actions considered sinful by God. And who's to say that it was a wrong decision? I find that living, actually living life, means that there are more gray areas than there are black and whites. Living in the light of this realization means even more dependency on God's grace and His Holy Spirit. Because as God was gracious towards Abraham, Sarah, Hagar and Ishmael, He is gracious towards us in our effort to find our footing in the uncertainty. We must also be able to give grace to ourselves in that regard. I mean, if God can give room for our limits as human beings--this is seen throughout Scripture and even in how Christ came TO us, while we were sinners and enemies of God--shouldn't we also accept our limits and give our humanity some room, too?

You think you know...

I just had quite the revelation: I have often assumed that I know what I want. In hindsight, I noticed that this was (and is) a fairly repetitive pattern in my life. I often go after the things I am so sure that I want with all the self-sufficiency and false sense of independence I could muster. Then for some time, the LORD allows me to do this. And I somehow convince myself that I am in the LORD's will and for a short-period of time, I "feel" like things are going right. However, after a certain amount of time, I start feeling exhausted, wary and disturbed. I become angry and ask God--"What? How is this happening? This is what you wanted!" And I fight. I fight to hold on to something that I worked so hard to attain for myself. My grip tightens, I clench my teeth and I try to convince God that this is what He wanted for me. And in God's grace, He causes me to "lose my grip," and He gently--but firmly--reminds me, that if it were something that He wanted for me, I wouldn't have to work so hard to keep it.

Hm.

I can say these things now because God is showing me how different it is when He gives me something that He does want for me. First of all, I did not have to do anything to attain it. And yes, I do have to trust God, but see, it's not really "work" but really more like God asking me to abide in Him and to enjoy what He has given me. Secondly, I don't have a false sense of reality--meaning I'm not working hard to try to convince myself that this is something different from what it appears to be. It simply is good. And it is clearly from the LORD--inspite of my small faith that inhibits me from trusting the LORD completely at times.

It's hard to surrender control, when I've tried to control the inflow of "good" things in my life for so long. How could I assume that I know what's best for me, when God knows me better than I know myself? And I know that this is one lesson that I am going to continue on learning...for maybe, you know, the rest of my life. And for some reason, it certainly is not easy to simply receive something good--why is that? A huge part of me says: "I don't deserve anything good!" But then I am reminded of what grace is...it's not something earned or deserved, but a gift from a loving, sovereign God...that even receiving (and accepting!) such a wonderful grace--from things like good relationships to awesome events like Christ's sacrifice on the Cross--glorifies God. Since there really is nothing we can do to earn the grace that God gives us, then wouldn't it make sense for us to simply--thankfully and humbly--take it for what it is? I mean, it's not like there's anything we can do to change it. Grace is what it is.