I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?" I responded by asking what he meant by that. He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff." I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars. I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.
I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants. Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like. Often, these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me). I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom. When life is tough, anything else is pure crap. Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me: God is predictably good. He saves and redeems. He is not cruel and unjust. He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.
In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality. That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work. I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.
I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender. However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful. I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option. A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.
I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so. I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different. I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around. He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him. And I hope the same goes for me. I mean, I think it's a double edged sword. I know people will be judgmental either way. It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world." Whatever.
Showing posts with label Thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thinking. Show all posts
1.3.12
18.2.12
I was just thinking and reflecting about what it means to really live for God while I read a brief synopsis of the life of Dietrich Boenhoeffer.
There are a lot of competing priorities when it comes to truly surrendering to God and really seeking His will for our lives--and I think there always has been. Christians are human beings who want good things for their lives: successful careers, happy marriages, healthy relationships, being able to do the things we are passionate about...but often outside of seeking God first or surrendering to what He wants and trusting Him to provide the good in his perfect timing.
I struggle with surrendering. It seems scary. There's a lie floating around that surrendering to God means that we will be completely unhappy, that we will begrudge living and rue each day that comes. I don't really know what surrendering to the will of God means right now. Part of me is sweating the trivial things like wondering if people will think I'm less "cool," will people judge me and think I'm legalistic (ironic, right?), etc. I feel like an idiot admitting that right now. Jesus died for me on the Cross and I'm worried about being cool. Hmm. Other people were/are thoroughly convinced that Jesus was/is worthy dying or being imprisoned or being tortured and maimed for. That's convicting.
I think in some ways surrendering might just mean seeking after and finding contentment in the place where I am at. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. Letting myself be. Generally accepting my circumstance: the good, the not-so good and the painful, but also actively listening to the still small voice and being obedient to step in whichever direction He leads me. More importantly, I think surrendering is simply listening to God and letting Him lead me instead of me telling Him what I am going to do with my life...
I've had to reevaluate my life and my priorities recently. I am asking for wisdom about what the next step is and I think God wants me to change my attitude about work and to view it as a place to really seek out ways to pour into people: patients and co-workers alike. I think He brought about an opportunity to travel with Coleman Associates doing their CHAMP internship program because He wants me to help my clinic in other different ways, to learn from Coleman and bring back what I've learned to my clinic to help us see more patients and continue to make a significant impact on Skid Row. I think God wants me to learn how to be faithful in going to community group and continue to seek ways to get plugged into my church.
I think I've spent so much time psyching myself out or rationalizing myself out of throwing myself into God's arms. I know and have known for awhile that I want nothing else than to be faithful to what He has called me to do and I refuse to believe that I will live disdainfully if I do. I think it will be quite the opposite because God is predictably good.
I can't settle for anything less anymore.
There are a lot of competing priorities when it comes to truly surrendering to God and really seeking His will for our lives--and I think there always has been. Christians are human beings who want good things for their lives: successful careers, happy marriages, healthy relationships, being able to do the things we are passionate about...but often outside of seeking God first or surrendering to what He wants and trusting Him to provide the good in his perfect timing.
I struggle with surrendering. It seems scary. There's a lie floating around that surrendering to God means that we will be completely unhappy, that we will begrudge living and rue each day that comes. I don't really know what surrendering to the will of God means right now. Part of me is sweating the trivial things like wondering if people will think I'm less "cool," will people judge me and think I'm legalistic (ironic, right?), etc. I feel like an idiot admitting that right now. Jesus died for me on the Cross and I'm worried about being cool. Hmm. Other people were/are thoroughly convinced that Jesus was/is worthy dying or being imprisoned or being tortured and maimed for. That's convicting.
I think in some ways surrendering might just mean seeking after and finding contentment in the place where I am at. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. Letting myself be. Generally accepting my circumstance: the good, the not-so good and the painful, but also actively listening to the still small voice and being obedient to step in whichever direction He leads me. More importantly, I think surrendering is simply listening to God and letting Him lead me instead of me telling Him what I am going to do with my life...
I've had to reevaluate my life and my priorities recently. I am asking for wisdom about what the next step is and I think God wants me to change my attitude about work and to view it as a place to really seek out ways to pour into people: patients and co-workers alike. I think He brought about an opportunity to travel with Coleman Associates doing their CHAMP internship program because He wants me to help my clinic in other different ways, to learn from Coleman and bring back what I've learned to my clinic to help us see more patients and continue to make a significant impact on Skid Row. I think God wants me to learn how to be faithful in going to community group and continue to seek ways to get plugged into my church.
I think I've spent so much time psyching myself out or rationalizing myself out of throwing myself into God's arms. I know and have known for awhile that I want nothing else than to be faithful to what He has called me to do and I refuse to believe that I will live disdainfully if I do. I think it will be quite the opposite because God is predictably good.
I can't settle for anything less anymore.
13.2.12
I am a thinker and an externalizer. I am compelled to speak my mind and my heart's mind. I feel my emotions strongly and therefore they are ornamental on my demeanor, my sleeves and on my face. Yet, upon knowing this about myself, I feel the pull of hesitancy about being frank about what I really think or how I really feel. There are many factors that contribute to this: fear of judgment-- what would that really mean about the state of who Linell is; fear of who may actually stumble upon this very public website--I do want to protect people, even if I feel like kicking them...in places that hurt.
Anyway.
I say all of those things because I was thinking about the nature of pain. Pain is probably the realest reminder that we have about how small and human we truly are. At least, that's what pain is for me. Pain is such an abstract ideal, yet it pierces deeply. Maybe that's why we either idolize it to the point of being victimized by our vices, or we pretend like it doesn't really exist, that our nerves are enforced with steel.
Pain. We refuse to talk about it, we rationalize it, we ignore it, we engage it and grab it by the horns, we surrender to it, we hate it, we learn from it, we don't learn from it, we grow or we grow bitter about life and our circumstances because of it. It's the drive the pushes us to express ourselves. Musicians, artists and poets create from the pain of longing, or want, or confusion. Pain can be good and is often the basis of our inspiration-it's a unique consequence for living life, even more so for those who seek to live life abundantly.
I examine my pain--the sharp and the dull aches, and the heart-wrenching, the feeling like I just got the wind knocked out of me every time I remember kind of pain. I hate it. I hate hurting. I feel the nagging poking and prodding in the pit of my stomach that sometimes makes me want to hurl very heavy and fragile things out of my bedroom window. In moments of emotional and physical exhaustion it can often feel like despair and though hope is as near as a whispered prayer, it can also feel so far away.
And as much as I hate hurting, I also know that it is what keeps my hope and my faith alive. Though I hate talking about my pain, I can't help it. I know that often times the best way to move on and move forward is to bleed it out until it can no longer bleed. I know that the hurt is what throws me into the arms of God and into the love of people. Pain pushes me to seek healing, pushes me to grow. I have found that pain in my life have been the markers of transition from one season to the next. Ergo, pain is a beautiful thing.
Still, it's not easy to acknowledge the hurts. It's so difficult to accept and embrace the pain. Sometimes accepting the pain might mean there is something about myself--a harsh reality or truth, or lie that I need to face. I find that acceptance is difficult to embrace when something might make it seem like I am not good enough or worthy enough of being loved for who I am. It's hard to accept that someone can walk away from me, after giving so much of myself to them because a part of me believed that it could've been a lifelong investment. But such is life--relationships come and go and we can't marry everyone that we date. It takes courage and a degree of maturity to grow deeper into relationships--and we are all at different stages. Sometimes it takes two people simply being on the same page.
But feelings are feelings and they suck. And break-ups are a bitch, or something more ornery than one.
I hate my pain, but I also am working towards accepting it. I find that writing about it helps. I find that letting people know that I am hurting helps because inevitably I know that I am ok and that I will get better. And they affirm that for me, too. I also know that pain is a major constant in life and I don't want to be paralyzed by it. I want to be able to thrive amidst the hurting, while giving myself space to break down or let things crumble once in awhile. God promises to rebuild the things that He has broken and I hold that promise close to my heart. It's the best salve for my pain, for anyone's pain.
Anyway.
I say all of those things because I was thinking about the nature of pain. Pain is probably the realest reminder that we have about how small and human we truly are. At least, that's what pain is for me. Pain is such an abstract ideal, yet it pierces deeply. Maybe that's why we either idolize it to the point of being victimized by our vices, or we pretend like it doesn't really exist, that our nerves are enforced with steel.
Pain. We refuse to talk about it, we rationalize it, we ignore it, we engage it and grab it by the horns, we surrender to it, we hate it, we learn from it, we don't learn from it, we grow or we grow bitter about life and our circumstances because of it. It's the drive the pushes us to express ourselves. Musicians, artists and poets create from the pain of longing, or want, or confusion. Pain can be good and is often the basis of our inspiration-it's a unique consequence for living life, even more so for those who seek to live life abundantly.
I examine my pain--the sharp and the dull aches, and the heart-wrenching, the feeling like I just got the wind knocked out of me every time I remember kind of pain. I hate it. I hate hurting. I feel the nagging poking and prodding in the pit of my stomach that sometimes makes me want to hurl very heavy and fragile things out of my bedroom window. In moments of emotional and physical exhaustion it can often feel like despair and though hope is as near as a whispered prayer, it can also feel so far away.
And as much as I hate hurting, I also know that it is what keeps my hope and my faith alive. Though I hate talking about my pain, I can't help it. I know that often times the best way to move on and move forward is to bleed it out until it can no longer bleed. I know that the hurt is what throws me into the arms of God and into the love of people. Pain pushes me to seek healing, pushes me to grow. I have found that pain in my life have been the markers of transition from one season to the next. Ergo, pain is a beautiful thing.
Still, it's not easy to acknowledge the hurts. It's so difficult to accept and embrace the pain. Sometimes accepting the pain might mean there is something about myself--a harsh reality or truth, or lie that I need to face. I find that acceptance is difficult to embrace when something might make it seem like I am not good enough or worthy enough of being loved for who I am. It's hard to accept that someone can walk away from me, after giving so much of myself to them because a part of me believed that it could've been a lifelong investment. But such is life--relationships come and go and we can't marry everyone that we date. It takes courage and a degree of maturity to grow deeper into relationships--and we are all at different stages. Sometimes it takes two people simply being on the same page.
But feelings are feelings and they suck. And break-ups are a bitch, or something more ornery than one.
I hate my pain, but I also am working towards accepting it. I find that writing about it helps. I find that letting people know that I am hurting helps because inevitably I know that I am ok and that I will get better. And they affirm that for me, too. I also know that pain is a major constant in life and I don't want to be paralyzed by it. I want to be able to thrive amidst the hurting, while giving myself space to break down or let things crumble once in awhile. God promises to rebuild the things that He has broken and I hold that promise close to my heart. It's the best salve for my pain, for anyone's pain.
13.10.11
He will surely come.
I've been home sick the last few days. I came home Monday afternoon from work and felt somethin' abrewin' and sure enough-- had a fever by 7pm, with my nose completely congested by the time I woke up the next morning. It's some kind of Upper Respiratory Infection that I probably picked up from working in a clinic on Skid Row. It's mostly likely a new "bug" that I picked up because I can't remember the last time I've had to stay home sick for such an extended period of time. It was weird because I would spike a fever around the same time every night. I guess the viruses in my body decided that 5:30 in the evening was the best time to have their block party. I'm praying that this isn't the case tonight because (a) my boyfriend and my best friend are coming over for dinner and (b) I do want to eventually go back to work...
I didn't intend to blog about my illness, however. I wanted to blog about God working amidst it all.
The interesting thing about all of this is that this week was dedicated to fasting. The church that I've been going to for the last few Sundays implemented a church-wide fast, to pray and ask God for direction in our lives as individuals and in the lives of those in leadership at church. Since I work a fast-paced, on-the-go, nursing job at a clinic where anything can happen... I knew I couldn't completely fast from food, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was nudging me to fast from other things that I turn to or find comfort in instead of sitting with God in my discomfort. These things include, TV (including shows I watch online), movies, comfort food (like Thai food, fried chicken and Sun Chips), coffee (I'm an addict in denial), facebook and music.
I knew deep down that there have been some things that I haven't allowed myself to process since I've moved to Burbank. With a new season in life--a new job as a new nurse, a new surrounding, a new church, a new boyfriend--comes a lot of processing. And I was keeping myself busy, or inundated with external noise. I knew that I felt kind of disconnected to myself and to God, but I wasn't really making the effort either to do anything about it.
God's timing is perfect, however, in that the week I decide to fast from external noise, I also have to stay home. Sick. No tv. No facebook. No movies. No music. Just me, my Bible and my thoughts. Oh and Jesus, of course. He is bringing up a lot of things, things that I feel would take up a whole nother blog post to explain...but in these things, I see how he wants to heal my brokenness and bind my wounds (Psalm 147:3).
Part of my frustration is that I thought I was all "fixed." That I didn't have to worry about any of those past hurts, etc. But I do see that God wants to fully restore me--even though it will take a lot more time than I originally planned. Haha. It's a place of vulnerability that I am hesitant and naturally unwilling to sit in. I do have hope, however, because God is predictably good. And in my life, He's only proved His faithfulness, love and power...time and time again.
Furthermore, I found great encouragement in Habakkuk this week. I learned this week that the main theme in Habakkuk is how God uses a wicked nation (Babylon) for his divine purpose. This is of course in reference to God using Babylon to punish Assyria and Judah. And amidst this dark time, the words that God speaks to Habakkuk are the following: "...For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by faith." (Habakkuk 2:3-4).
In that time, those who were followers of God, who were caught up in the ugliness of war and all that comes with such a horrible thing, were urged to live by faith. They had no other choice. Without faith, they would lose hope. They didn't know what was going to happen, they had to trust that God is a good God. The righteous must choose to remember how God has proven Himself to them, most especially during a time when things didn't make sense.
This is applicable in many ways for many people. We all go through hardships and dark times and in those times, we must live by faith. We must live and trust God's goodness in the day to day, since we are essentially blind to what the future may hold. Even when negativity and self-pity, bitterness and discontent are constant companions, we must choose to see beyond them and think about what it means to live by faith, to trust that God is all knowing and faithful, that He is predictably good, that He loves us, that He is patient and compassionate and kind, that His plans (and His timing) are perfect.
Amen? Amen.
I didn't intend to blog about my illness, however. I wanted to blog about God working amidst it all.
The interesting thing about all of this is that this week was dedicated to fasting. The church that I've been going to for the last few Sundays implemented a church-wide fast, to pray and ask God for direction in our lives as individuals and in the lives of those in leadership at church. Since I work a fast-paced, on-the-go, nursing job at a clinic where anything can happen... I knew I couldn't completely fast from food, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was nudging me to fast from other things that I turn to or find comfort in instead of sitting with God in my discomfort. These things include, TV (including shows I watch online), movies, comfort food (like Thai food, fried chicken and Sun Chips), coffee (I'm an addict in denial), facebook and music.
I knew deep down that there have been some things that I haven't allowed myself to process since I've moved to Burbank. With a new season in life--a new job as a new nurse, a new surrounding, a new church, a new boyfriend--comes a lot of processing. And I was keeping myself busy, or inundated with external noise. I knew that I felt kind of disconnected to myself and to God, but I wasn't really making the effort either to do anything about it.
God's timing is perfect, however, in that the week I decide to fast from external noise, I also have to stay home. Sick. No tv. No facebook. No movies. No music. Just me, my Bible and my thoughts. Oh and Jesus, of course. He is bringing up a lot of things, things that I feel would take up a whole nother blog post to explain...but in these things, I see how he wants to heal my brokenness and bind my wounds (Psalm 147:3).
Part of my frustration is that I thought I was all "fixed." That I didn't have to worry about any of those past hurts, etc. But I do see that God wants to fully restore me--even though it will take a lot more time than I originally planned. Haha. It's a place of vulnerability that I am hesitant and naturally unwilling to sit in. I do have hope, however, because God is predictably good. And in my life, He's only proved His faithfulness, love and power...time and time again.
Furthermore, I found great encouragement in Habakkuk this week. I learned this week that the main theme in Habakkuk is how God uses a wicked nation (Babylon) for his divine purpose. This is of course in reference to God using Babylon to punish Assyria and Judah. And amidst this dark time, the words that God speaks to Habakkuk are the following: "...For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by faith." (Habakkuk 2:3-4).
In that time, those who were followers of God, who were caught up in the ugliness of war and all that comes with such a horrible thing, were urged to live by faith. They had no other choice. Without faith, they would lose hope. They didn't know what was going to happen, they had to trust that God is a good God. The righteous must choose to remember how God has proven Himself to them, most especially during a time when things didn't make sense.
This is applicable in many ways for many people. We all go through hardships and dark times and in those times, we must live by faith. We must live and trust God's goodness in the day to day, since we are essentially blind to what the future may hold. Even when negativity and self-pity, bitterness and discontent are constant companions, we must choose to see beyond them and think about what it means to live by faith, to trust that God is all knowing and faithful, that He is predictably good, that He loves us, that He is patient and compassionate and kind, that His plans (and His timing) are perfect.
Amen? Amen.
9.6.11
What am I doing?
I don't mean to pose that question in a negative light. I really am kind of wondering what is happening in my life right now. It's a kind of wondering that involves meandering, thoughtful, consideration of the past couple of weeks and what I've been doing with my time. Other than studying for the NCLEX--the biggest test of my life--I've mostly been hanging out with friends, soaking up the bit of time left that we have here together, taking advantage of the fact that we are still around the area and most importantly-- we don't really have actual responsibilities (i.e mortgage, marriages, car payments, children, etc.)
I am kind of amused at how easy things seem to be going right now. I wake up, study throughout the day, go to random exercise classes at the local 24 hr fitness (Zumba is my new favorite activity), or hang out with friends and watch movies (or play guitar hero), or play intense games of... Fishbowl. I'm not complaining. This is NIIIIIIIICE. I'm even bobbing my head as I say it.
Haha. I'm 26 years old, which I revealed to a new friend of mine who apparently thought I was 22 or 23. This came up because he asked me when I would want to get married--I didn't think anything of it, mostly because he seems like the kind of "dude" that just asks questions (plus, he's happily girlfriended). I realized I was kind of disappointed that I had to admit how old I actually was. I think I wanted him to keep thinking I was younger.
I guess hanging out with people who are a few years younger than me would make me slightly self-conscious about the fact that I'm 26. But it really shouldn't.
This is all correlated in someway...it's one big train of thought. I think me being 26 and still kind of living the life of a "youngin" makes me wonder if I should be doing something more.... "mature." I don't know. Maybe I should just be thankful with where I'm at. And I am. I also believe that I am exactly where God wants me... so who cares what sort of internal judgment I'm projecting onto this situation right now?
What do most 26 year olds do, anyway?
Bah. Well, who cares. I am enjoying myself and living life in a new way. I feel really free. And I'm excited for what's coming in these next few months...in the next year! At the same time, I'm enjoying each day as it comes, too. I have a feeling I should soak up this season of my life. Take it for what it is.
I am kind of amused at how easy things seem to be going right now. I wake up, study throughout the day, go to random exercise classes at the local 24 hr fitness (Zumba is my new favorite activity), or hang out with friends and watch movies (or play guitar hero), or play intense games of... Fishbowl. I'm not complaining. This is NIIIIIIIICE. I'm even bobbing my head as I say it.
Haha. I'm 26 years old, which I revealed to a new friend of mine who apparently thought I was 22 or 23. This came up because he asked me when I would want to get married--I didn't think anything of it, mostly because he seems like the kind of "dude" that just asks questions (plus, he's happily girlfriended). I realized I was kind of disappointed that I had to admit how old I actually was. I think I wanted him to keep thinking I was younger.
I guess hanging out with people who are a few years younger than me would make me slightly self-conscious about the fact that I'm 26. But it really shouldn't.
This is all correlated in someway...it's one big train of thought. I think me being 26 and still kind of living the life of a "youngin" makes me wonder if I should be doing something more.... "mature." I don't know. Maybe I should just be thankful with where I'm at. And I am. I also believe that I am exactly where God wants me... so who cares what sort of internal judgment I'm projecting onto this situation right now?
What do most 26 year olds do, anyway?
Bah. Well, who cares. I am enjoying myself and living life in a new way. I feel really free. And I'm excited for what's coming in these next few months...in the next year! At the same time, I'm enjoying each day as it comes, too. I have a feeling I should soak up this season of my life. Take it for what it is.
25.5.11
Acceptance.
I spent Monday and part of Tuesday up in Idyllwild, CA. I had never gone on a solo retreat before--I guess I never saw the need for it. But in light of recent events and ever growing burden on my weary heart, I knew I needed to go.
It was a gorgeous house on top of the mountain, surrounded by nature and I had it all to myself. The owners, a couple who heard God call them to build this retreat center, really provided a place of safety, comfort and peace. It's a place dedicated for weary travelers to find their center once again in Jesus.
I had never been happier than when I was sitting alone in that huge house by myself. There was silence and the grandiose view of mountains and towering pine trees. I even went on a hike to a place called "Inspiration Point." And I sat there for hours just reflecting on my life, amidst nature, and connecting with God in a way that I hadn't in a long time.
It was there on the mountain top that I was able to see clearly all the burdens that I had been carrying: anger, resentment, holding on to a sense of control and not wanting to let go of it, most importantly--an unwillingness to accept my life and all the pain and hardship that I have endured and my personal struggles that I battle with on a day to day basis. I wrestled with the thought that I merely had to accept the pain, when pain is, well, so painful. What would that acceptance mean? Would that mean that I would allow myself to sit in that pain? Does that mean I can't always expect God to do something about it? Does that mean accepting that God may never do anything about it?
It was good to get away, to think, to process. But as soon as I came back down from the mountain--I saw that life didn't change. I wasn't really expecting it to. It's still hard and I still have my issues. However, it's like my pain had never been quite so blatantly exposed in front of me. The difference is, though I wrestled with it for a while last night, I woke up tired and humbled this morning. I need to accept my life and my pain. And I think I am doing that as I sit here blogging about it. I woke up this morning and called to mind truth that God is in it with me, working in me and bringing me to a place where I will see that it is worth it. I don't know when that will be but I'm not trying to put a limit on it anymore.
The paradoxical nature of acceptance is letting go of my need to get away from pain in order to bring God in. Trusting in God then means that I'm not simply sitting here, but digging deeply into the root of my pain and working through it to find healing.
With all that to say, I accept my life. I accept my humility. I accept that restoration may happen, or may it not happen the way I want it to. I accept that restoration may mean something completely unexpected. I accept the unexpected. I accept my pain and the sadness that comes with it from time to time. I accept the not-so-ideals, the unfulfilled desires, the blessings in disguises, and the waiting. I accept myself and who God has made me to be, even the parts that seem less desirable to others--especially to myself-- the parts that God is currently renewing and restoring. I accept that God is good amidst the pain, that He is present whether or not I acknowledge it.
I accept it all.
It was a gorgeous house on top of the mountain, surrounded by nature and I had it all to myself. The owners, a couple who heard God call them to build this retreat center, really provided a place of safety, comfort and peace. It's a place dedicated for weary travelers to find their center once again in Jesus.
I had never been happier than when I was sitting alone in that huge house by myself. There was silence and the grandiose view of mountains and towering pine trees. I even went on a hike to a place called "Inspiration Point." And I sat there for hours just reflecting on my life, amidst nature, and connecting with God in a way that I hadn't in a long time.
It was there on the mountain top that I was able to see clearly all the burdens that I had been carrying: anger, resentment, holding on to a sense of control and not wanting to let go of it, most importantly--an unwillingness to accept my life and all the pain and hardship that I have endured and my personal struggles that I battle with on a day to day basis. I wrestled with the thought that I merely had to accept the pain, when pain is, well, so painful. What would that acceptance mean? Would that mean that I would allow myself to sit in that pain? Does that mean I can't always expect God to do something about it? Does that mean accepting that God may never do anything about it?
It was good to get away, to think, to process. But as soon as I came back down from the mountain--I saw that life didn't change. I wasn't really expecting it to. It's still hard and I still have my issues. However, it's like my pain had never been quite so blatantly exposed in front of me. The difference is, though I wrestled with it for a while last night, I woke up tired and humbled this morning. I need to accept my life and my pain. And I think I am doing that as I sit here blogging about it. I woke up this morning and called to mind truth that God is in it with me, working in me and bringing me to a place where I will see that it is worth it. I don't know when that will be but I'm not trying to put a limit on it anymore.
The paradoxical nature of acceptance is letting go of my need to get away from pain in order to bring God in. Trusting in God then means that I'm not simply sitting here, but digging deeply into the root of my pain and working through it to find healing.
With all that to say, I accept my life. I accept my humility. I accept that restoration may happen, or may it not happen the way I want it to. I accept that restoration may mean something completely unexpected. I accept the unexpected. I accept my pain and the sadness that comes with it from time to time. I accept the not-so-ideals, the unfulfilled desires, the blessings in disguises, and the waiting. I accept myself and who God has made me to be, even the parts that seem less desirable to others--especially to myself-- the parts that God is currently renewing and restoring. I accept that God is good amidst the pain, that He is present whether or not I acknowledge it.
I accept it all.
22.11.10
The One in Which Hosea marries a Ho'...
Not to digress too much, but the post title is inspired by my current obsession with "Friends." I was never really allowed to watch it when I was younger, which was probably a good thing. Now that I'm a grown-up, I find it so funny. And laughing is like a drug that I cannot ever get enough of...
Anyway,
I've never really reflected on the book of Hosea before, mostly because I don't understand it and it makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, the whole story of Hosea and Gomer seems so sick and twisted and cruel. But I think some part of me connected to Hosea today. The notion that God often asks us to do things that we don't understand and asks us to do things that are seemingly, or blatantly, outside the status quo is kind of hitting me in the face right now. Not that I'm doing anything in particular that speaks to this. I ain't speakin' to no burning bush outside my house and I'm not about to marry a male prostitute, at least God hasn't communicated that to me....yet. But in any case, it's good to be reminded that just because things are hard/weird, or doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense and people are not necessarily jumping on your bandwagon and advising you to get off it--it doesn't mean that it's outside of God's will. A wise man, by the name of Mark Twain once said, "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
In Hosea's case, God told him to marry a prostitute, in order to demonstrate His active pursuit of the wayward and adulterous Israel and how He eventually wins them over (in their surrender) because of His unfailing and merciful love.
I asked myself, what in the hell do you suppose people around Hosea thought about this little ordeal. Hosea, being a prophet of God, finds himself a woman on the street who sells her body for sex and marries her! I can't even imagine how that would play out today! What did people, that Hosea was trying to reach, think about that? More profoundly, what was Hosea thinking/feeling through all of this? Hosea, being a mere human being, might've wondered, 'why me?' Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing this too much, but I believe that it's in the Bible for a reason and those reasons, I believe, are in part --but definitely not limited to--- the usual overstated explanations (i.e revealing God's true nature, seeing ourselves reflected in Israel's disloyalty and unfaithfulness, etc). What if we siphoned out a sense of reality from all this? Old testament characters might be ancient, but that doesn't make them less human than we are now.
As I continue to think about Hosea, I think about the realities of living a life with the intention of following Jesus. The pursuit of God, in our feeble attempts to stay true to what He is asking us to do, which SO goes against the grain of our selfish nature, will cause a lot of physical, emotional and mental tension. And this tension, this wrestling that can lead us to a degree of distress and agony--should we choose to engage the hard realities of life--is us wrestling with our own human limitations. Limitations can be our selfishness, or underlying issues that stem from our past experiences, which can often disrupt the happy, bubbly world we desire to live in.
So with all that to say, maybe Hosea's ordeal was not just for Israel to learn from. Maybe Hosea had to learn a lot about himself, too.
Whatever it is that we find ourselves wrestling with, it's good to remember that God has our backs. And that He's not allowing us to go through hard situations just for the "fun of it." He's always purposeful. And through each hard thing that we endure--fiery trials, dark nights of the soul, a season of drought, etc-- He teaches us, not just about Him, but about US and He makes us a better version of ourselves. He makes us more Jesus-like.
And that...was a lot of self-preaching.
Anyway,
I've never really reflected on the book of Hosea before, mostly because I don't understand it and it makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, the whole story of Hosea and Gomer seems so sick and twisted and cruel. But I think some part of me connected to Hosea today. The notion that God often asks us to do things that we don't understand and asks us to do things that are seemingly, or blatantly, outside the status quo is kind of hitting me in the face right now. Not that I'm doing anything in particular that speaks to this. I ain't speakin' to no burning bush outside my house and I'm not about to marry a male prostitute, at least God hasn't communicated that to me....yet. But in any case, it's good to be reminded that just because things are hard/weird, or doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense and people are not necessarily jumping on your bandwagon and advising you to get off it--it doesn't mean that it's outside of God's will. A wise man, by the name of Mark Twain once said, "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
In Hosea's case, God told him to marry a prostitute, in order to demonstrate His active pursuit of the wayward and adulterous Israel and how He eventually wins them over (in their surrender) because of His unfailing and merciful love.
I asked myself, what in the hell do you suppose people around Hosea thought about this little ordeal. Hosea, being a prophet of God, finds himself a woman on the street who sells her body for sex and marries her! I can't even imagine how that would play out today! What did people, that Hosea was trying to reach, think about that? More profoundly, what was Hosea thinking/feeling through all of this? Hosea, being a mere human being, might've wondered, 'why me?' Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing this too much, but I believe that it's in the Bible for a reason and those reasons, I believe, are in part --but definitely not limited to--- the usual overstated explanations (i.e revealing God's true nature, seeing ourselves reflected in Israel's disloyalty and unfaithfulness, etc). What if we siphoned out a sense of reality from all this? Old testament characters might be ancient, but that doesn't make them less human than we are now.
As I continue to think about Hosea, I think about the realities of living a life with the intention of following Jesus. The pursuit of God, in our feeble attempts to stay true to what He is asking us to do, which SO goes against the grain of our selfish nature, will cause a lot of physical, emotional and mental tension. And this tension, this wrestling that can lead us to a degree of distress and agony--should we choose to engage the hard realities of life--is us wrestling with our own human limitations. Limitations can be our selfishness, or underlying issues that stem from our past experiences, which can often disrupt the happy, bubbly world we desire to live in.
So with all that to say, maybe Hosea's ordeal was not just for Israel to learn from. Maybe Hosea had to learn a lot about himself, too.
Whatever it is that we find ourselves wrestling with, it's good to remember that God has our backs. And that He's not allowing us to go through hard situations just for the "fun of it." He's always purposeful. And through each hard thing that we endure--fiery trials, dark nights of the soul, a season of drought, etc-- He teaches us, not just about Him, but about US and He makes us a better version of ourselves. He makes us more Jesus-like.
And that...was a lot of self-preaching.
21.10.10
Double-mindedness
The whole issue of "double-mindedness" has strictly been regarded as an issue of straddling the line between worldliness and godliness--trying to follow God, but holding on to thoughts, ideas, or material things that are apart from God. I think that is what James meant when he addressed this issue in James 1:8. But as of late, I've been seeing a different kind of twist to the double-mindedness problem. It's a kind of doubt, confusion and instability that is a byproduct of trying to meet other people's expectations.
I've probably have blogged about the idea that there are unrealistic expectations placed on people due to the "christian standards" that our culture has created. These standards, include, but are not limited to: how a person should dress, how a person should think, how a person should meet their future spouse, how to read the bible, how to have quiet time, how to talk in church, what books to read and what books to not read and the list goes on. I don't want to deny the practicality of having standards, but it seems that those standards, like unwanted weeds in a garden, have the potential to suck the life and liberty and joy from those who are trying to live genuinely in their faith. Furthermore, I think that these rules and regulations tend to ignore the fact that people are created to be different from one another. Trying to standardize Christianity robs us the experience of growing and striving for unity amongst us. Without diversity of thoughts and ideas, the body of Christ will become dull and lifeless.
Anyway, I can speak for myself and my own double-mindedness. It is a struggle for me to really seek out what God wants me to do, to sit and listen to the Holy Spirit and to be genuine in my decisions in life because I have spent most of my Christian life heavily submerged in rules. Most of my decision-making is tainted by thoughts of "but is this...Christian enough? or "what would so and so think about this?" I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way. And I'm at the point where I'm telling myself, "who the hell cares?" I mean, God cares. Duh. And He's the only Person that I should be answering to, or seeking answers from. Which leads to another point: living life under certain standards causes one to idolize acceptance and affirmation. It would become the sole motivation to live a certain way, if we received external praise for the things we do and say on a regular basis. Because if that's how people judge how christian someone is, then that is what they'll do to prove how christian they are. Sadly, it becomes the basis on which we judge and view ourselves. And it is not right. This is not freedom!
There is a reality to life that is so messy and brilliant and beautiful in its uncertainties, outside of the standards and rules. There is so much that cannot and should not be tamed! And in this beautiful mess, we are meant to wrestle with God and seek a raw and unhindered, un-apprehensive relationship with Him, to experience the fullness of grace and mercy radically and to feel His love even more radically. I feel as though I'm emerging from the darkness of my past bondage and seeing life in a different way. But, there are these flickering images of my past that tempt to take away my freedom in Christ and tempts me to live the way I used to--in fear of rejection, and fear of disappointing people. I see a lot of my friends in this sort of bondage, too, or at least they are trying to break free from it, but it's causing a lot of this double-mindedness.
Not really sure on what note to end on. I feel like that was a lot to say. I do see hope and trust that God is working in all of this. And I'm thankful that His peace overcomes whatever anxieties my double-mindedness turns up.
I've probably have blogged about the idea that there are unrealistic expectations placed on people due to the "christian standards" that our culture has created. These standards, include, but are not limited to: how a person should dress, how a person should think, how a person should meet their future spouse, how to read the bible, how to have quiet time, how to talk in church, what books to read and what books to not read and the list goes on. I don't want to deny the practicality of having standards, but it seems that those standards, like unwanted weeds in a garden, have the potential to suck the life and liberty and joy from those who are trying to live genuinely in their faith. Furthermore, I think that these rules and regulations tend to ignore the fact that people are created to be different from one another. Trying to standardize Christianity robs us the experience of growing and striving for unity amongst us. Without diversity of thoughts and ideas, the body of Christ will become dull and lifeless.
Anyway, I can speak for myself and my own double-mindedness. It is a struggle for me to really seek out what God wants me to do, to sit and listen to the Holy Spirit and to be genuine in my decisions in life because I have spent most of my Christian life heavily submerged in rules. Most of my decision-making is tainted by thoughts of "but is this...Christian enough? or "what would so and so think about this?" I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way. And I'm at the point where I'm telling myself, "who the hell cares?" I mean, God cares. Duh. And He's the only Person that I should be answering to, or seeking answers from. Which leads to another point: living life under certain standards causes one to idolize acceptance and affirmation. It would become the sole motivation to live a certain way, if we received external praise for the things we do and say on a regular basis. Because if that's how people judge how christian someone is, then that is what they'll do to prove how christian they are. Sadly, it becomes the basis on which we judge and view ourselves. And it is not right. This is not freedom!
There is a reality to life that is so messy and brilliant and beautiful in its uncertainties, outside of the standards and rules. There is so much that cannot and should not be tamed! And in this beautiful mess, we are meant to wrestle with God and seek a raw and unhindered, un-apprehensive relationship with Him, to experience the fullness of grace and mercy radically and to feel His love even more radically. I feel as though I'm emerging from the darkness of my past bondage and seeing life in a different way. But, there are these flickering images of my past that tempt to take away my freedom in Christ and tempts me to live the way I used to--in fear of rejection, and fear of disappointing people. I see a lot of my friends in this sort of bondage, too, or at least they are trying to break free from it, but it's causing a lot of this double-mindedness.
Not really sure on what note to end on. I feel like that was a lot to say. I do see hope and trust that God is working in all of this. And I'm thankful that His peace overcomes whatever anxieties my double-mindedness turns up.
4.3.10
Honesty is a two-headed monster.
to tell the truth is to reveal the full extent of my vulnerability.
and in my vulnerability, expose the vulnerabilities of others--
like the winds of a typhoon after the calm of the storm,
uprooting what was once thought to be firmly planted.
or
i can hide in the shadows of half-truths or half-lies,
to remain in the illusion that all is safe.
that all is good.
that all is well.
honesty is a two-headed monster,
it divides and consumes the seemingly unmolested,
and tortures the well-meaning intentions of virtue.
once awaken,
it cannot be tempered.
once awaken,
it will not sleep,
until its purpose has been completed,
it rages on...
and on...
and on...
and in my vulnerability, expose the vulnerabilities of others--
like the winds of a typhoon after the calm of the storm,
uprooting what was once thought to be firmly planted.
or
i can hide in the shadows of half-truths or half-lies,
to remain in the illusion that all is safe.
that all is good.
that all is well.
honesty is a two-headed monster,
it divides and consumes the seemingly unmolested,
and tortures the well-meaning intentions of virtue.
once awaken,
it cannot be tempered.
once awaken,
it will not sleep,
until its purpose has been completed,
it rages on...
and on...
and on...
25.2.10
the presence of Absence.
currently playing: Merry Happy by Kate Nash
there is a sort of absence that feels relentlessly present.
maybe even persistent.
no amount of distance,
denial,
...or didacticism,
seems to make any difference--
there is no simple cure.
cliches cannot sweep
the oxymoron under
the subliminal rug.
[what to do, what to do.]
imagine a frantic,
manic,
search for something to
fix the undesired,
feeling(s).
[i.e scissors to cut the loose ends.]
perhaps the answer is
finding a sense of belonging,
in the uncertainty.
or maybe the answer could be found:
at the very bottom of a very large
flask of
sweet tea.
there is a sort of absence that feels relentlessly present.
maybe even persistent.
no amount of distance,
denial,
...or didacticism,
seems to make any difference--
there is no simple cure.
cliches cannot sweep
the oxymoron under
the subliminal rug.
[what to do, what to do.]
imagine a frantic,
manic,
search for something to
fix the undesired,
feeling(s).
[i.e scissors to cut the loose ends.]
perhaps the answer is
finding a sense of belonging,
in the uncertainty.
or maybe the answer could be found:
at the very bottom of a very large
flask of
sweet tea.
21.2.10
"Jesus is a genius"
...that was a direct quote from the pastor this morning of the Fountain of Life Church in Long Beach, California. There was a lot of context behind that statement...mainly the passage in 2 Timothy 4:13, where an imprisoned Paul is writing some personal instructions for Timothy: "...When you come, bring the cloak that I left with Carpus at Troas, also the books, and above all the parchments." The parchments, being Scripture--most of which Paul had written--were the most important thing to Paul. Not so that he can admire his penmanship, but because these parchments were some of the earliest manuscripts of what we know to be the New Testament.
Paul, in the midst of his suffering, needed encouragement from God. He needed the Bible. An amazing thought struck me at church this morning. Well, amazing in a "wow, how can I be such an idiot" kind of way. So...growing up in a conservative Christian background, I always knew I had to read the Bible. And even now, if I don't read it, I feel horrible. Some of it is conviction, but most of it is guilt and/or fear. Conviction and guilt are different things and that's a whole 'nother issue. I feel guilty because I think God is mad at me. I'm sure if God was conditional, that would be true. But it's not true. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is not petty, nor is he fickle. I'm not trying to wriggle out of an "obligation" to be in the word as a "slave of Christ," but should it really be this sort of obligation? An obligation where it feels like you're the worst Christian in the world if it's not done? I'm not trying to write excuses, just merely thinking. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I need to exorcise the thought that God is upset enough with me to shun me from His graces when I don't read the Word. Though, even when I say it out loud, it's hard to believe. Doing things out of fear [of rejection] cannot nurture, nor sustain, the kind of relationship God wants to have with those who call themselves His children...
Reading the Bible should come from a sort of addiction to God. A spiritual dependency, if you will. I'm seeing that now...and I want to have what Paul had.
Somewhere in the pastor's message this morning, within the context of 2 Timothy 4:6-13, he talked about suffering and self-denial (submitting the self to discipline, not pretending like we're human beings without any actual wants and desires) and how Jesus suffers with us, and how everything that's invested in suffering--the pain, the loneliness, the brokenness, for the sake of the Cross--will be redeemed at the end of it all, that entrusting obedience and trust in God is a worthy investment of our lives, even if it ends in a dungeon...that it takes these sort of things to make a man, or a woman...the pastor stops and says, "Jesus is a genius."
I can't even really explain, in words, how much that statement comforts me...and kind of makes me chuckle. Jesus IS a genius...everyday, I see how He breaks down false ideas, restores brokenness, comforts loneliness and so much more. And in my life alone, He has really done amazing things, even in the last four months. I am a different person, in a lot of ways.
I am thankful for it.
Paul, in the midst of his suffering, needed encouragement from God. He needed the Bible. An amazing thought struck me at church this morning. Well, amazing in a "wow, how can I be such an idiot" kind of way. So...growing up in a conservative Christian background, I always knew I had to read the Bible. And even now, if I don't read it, I feel horrible. Some of it is conviction, but most of it is guilt and/or fear. Conviction and guilt are different things and that's a whole 'nother issue. I feel guilty because I think God is mad at me. I'm sure if God was conditional, that would be true. But it's not true. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is not petty, nor is he fickle. I'm not trying to wriggle out of an "obligation" to be in the word as a "slave of Christ," but should it really be this sort of obligation? An obligation where it feels like you're the worst Christian in the world if it's not done? I'm not trying to write excuses, just merely thinking. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I need to exorcise the thought that God is upset enough with me to shun me from His graces when I don't read the Word. Though, even when I say it out loud, it's hard to believe. Doing things out of fear [of rejection] cannot nurture, nor sustain, the kind of relationship God wants to have with those who call themselves His children...
Reading the Bible should come from a sort of addiction to God. A spiritual dependency, if you will. I'm seeing that now...and I want to have what Paul had.
Somewhere in the pastor's message this morning, within the context of 2 Timothy 4:6-13, he talked about suffering and self-denial (submitting the self to discipline, not pretending like we're human beings without any actual wants and desires) and how Jesus suffers with us, and how everything that's invested in suffering--the pain, the loneliness, the brokenness, for the sake of the Cross--will be redeemed at the end of it all, that entrusting obedience and trust in God is a worthy investment of our lives, even if it ends in a dungeon...that it takes these sort of things to make a man, or a woman...the pastor stops and says, "Jesus is a genius."
I can't even really explain, in words, how much that statement comforts me...and kind of makes me chuckle. Jesus IS a genius...everyday, I see how He breaks down false ideas, restores brokenness, comforts loneliness and so much more. And in my life alone, He has really done amazing things, even in the last four months. I am a different person, in a lot of ways.
I am thankful for it.
15.2.10
Crazy/Talk.
Um.
Sometimes, I get a little self-conscious about all my Jesus talk.
*gasp*
It should be little or no surprise to most people that our American culture is progressively moving away from God, His law, His love, His Holiness and more importantly, Jesus Christ & the Gospel. God's not a "big deal" anymore. This isn't just a problem in the secular world, but the casual disregard of the characters of God & the implications of the Cross has infiltrated the church and the minds of its attendees. President Obama did proclaim to the rest of the world that "we are no longer a Christian nation," and was proud of it. It doesn't surprise me, but it kind of freaks me out in a "the end is near!" kind of way...
Christians have become the "crazies" of this day and age. With the rest of the civilization finding their encouragement and inspiration from their respective muses of this world, Christians are looked down upon, viewed as archaic, mindless beings, who talk about things that don't make any logical sense. Granted, there are some Christians who are kind of actually crazy and they have somehow become THE representation of all the Christians and...that's not good.
And because I am a human being, I will go so far as to admit that due to my inherent insecurities and need for affirmation, its getting harder and harder to be verbal about my Christianity without feeling obnoxious or self-conscious (like, right now). What complicates this issue even more is my love for those outside of the Christian faith and for those who are "walking the line" so to speak. I want to be around these people more than I do with Christians. Well, in a way that wants to demonstrate to them how amazing it really is to be loved and be in love with Jesus and all that He is/will be. And that living for God is not about legalism but about wanting to live for Him because He loves us so much. I just want to show them that I'm not crazy...and that a majority of Christians are actual people, with actual problems, that we don't live in "la-la" land and have an answer/formula for everything and it is a day to day struggle to live by faith.
And is it bad to say that I think Jesus cares more about how we love people and how we reach out to others than how many worship songs we sing, or how many bible studies we attend?
I know that my place is not within the comfortable Christian bubble, but it's not easy at all to walk outside of it. And yes, it makes me uneasy and insecure because I love Jesus, but I'm still quite human...that part never really goes away...well, not until I D-I-E...
Sometimes, I get a little self-conscious about all my Jesus talk.
*gasp*
It should be little or no surprise to most people that our American culture is progressively moving away from God, His law, His love, His Holiness and more importantly, Jesus Christ & the Gospel. God's not a "big deal" anymore. This isn't just a problem in the secular world, but the casual disregard of the characters of God & the implications of the Cross has infiltrated the church and the minds of its attendees. President Obama did proclaim to the rest of the world that "we are no longer a Christian nation," and was proud of it. It doesn't surprise me, but it kind of freaks me out in a "the end is near!" kind of way...
Christians have become the "crazies" of this day and age. With the rest of the civilization finding their encouragement and inspiration from their respective muses of this world, Christians are looked down upon, viewed as archaic, mindless beings, who talk about things that don't make any logical sense. Granted, there are some Christians who are kind of actually crazy and they have somehow become THE representation of all the Christians and...that's not good.
And because I am a human being, I will go so far as to admit that due to my inherent insecurities and need for affirmation, its getting harder and harder to be verbal about my Christianity without feeling obnoxious or self-conscious (like, right now). What complicates this issue even more is my love for those outside of the Christian faith and for those who are "walking the line" so to speak. I want to be around these people more than I do with Christians. Well, in a way that wants to demonstrate to them how amazing it really is to be loved and be in love with Jesus and all that He is/will be. And that living for God is not about legalism but about wanting to live for Him because He loves us so much. I just want to show them that I'm not crazy...and that a majority of Christians are actual people, with actual problems, that we don't live in "la-la" land and have an answer/formula for everything and it is a day to day struggle to live by faith.
And is it bad to say that I think Jesus cares more about how we love people and how we reach out to others than how many worship songs we sing, or how many bible studies we attend?
15.11.09
Ishmael
In Genesis 15, after Abram pleads his case about not having an heir to call his own, God makes a covenant with Abram, promising that Abram will have his own son. I'm sure Abram and Sarai were very excited about this when he came home that night to tell her the good news. But I also noticed that in this passage, God had not given any specifics about when this was going to happen or where this heir was coming from. I suppose one would naturally assume that Abram would logically deduce that this promised heir would come from his wife, Sarai. However, I don't think that it was a natural assumption for either Abram or Sarai because Sarai was barren. So, what then would the next logical--and culturally acceptable--step for Sarai to take, as Abram's loving and supportive wife? To give Abram her servant Hagar, so that through Hagar, Abram would have his heir.
We can know, after reading a few paragraphs later, that this was not how God planned to bring about Abram's heir. But Sarai and Abram did not know that. In fact, it was like they were standing at the end of a very dark cave, where they could see, in the distance, the twinkling light of God's promise. But they couldn't even see their feet--or the ground--in front of them, so...they took a step in the dark, towards that light--it didn't deter them from their course, nor did they fall into a hole in the ground.
It's not until Genesis 17:15 that God becomes more specific about the heir he promised Abram, now called Abraham. God tells him that this son will be coming from Sarai, re-named to be known as Sarah, his 90 year-old barren wife. When Abraham heard this, he fell on his face and laughed! It seemed too impossible and ridiculous! He even asked God if He could just use Abraham's already exisiting son, Ishmael, for what God has promised. Of course God says, "No." And God also restates his promise: "...Sarah, your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name, Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his offspring after him." But, God does not forget about Ishmael either: "As for Ishmael, I have heard you; behold, I have blessed him and will make him fruitful and multiply him greatly. He shall father twelve princes and I will make him into a great nation." It's amazing to see that even though Ishmael was not how God intended to bring about His covenant with Abraham, God still blessed him.
Reading the story about Ishmael and Abraham reminds me that God will remain steadfast to His promise--no matter what I do. God is a good God. He is faithful. He does what is best for His people--in a sense that He plans my life in accordance to what will bring Him the MOST glory. And while Christians can know and be sure that God has promised us good things, we find ourselves in the pitch blackness of our inability to forsee every outcome of every circumstance. I'm learning more and more that actually living out my faith in who God is means taking steps in the darkness of uncertainty and trusting that God will not leave me alone in that darkness. He is there to pick me up when I fall. He guides my steps and helps me get back on track when I take a wrong turn somewhere.
Like Sarai, I often make decisions that would seem to fit into God's will for my life, only to find out that it was kind of close...but not quite Isaac. Abraham and Sarah were not punished, nor were their actions considered sinful by God. And who's to say that it was a wrong decision? I find that living, actually living life, means that there are more gray areas than there are black and whites. Living in the light of this realization means even more dependency on God's grace and His Holy Spirit. Because as God was gracious towards Abraham, Sarah, Hagar and Ishmael, He is gracious towards us in our effort to find our footing in the uncertainty. We must also be able to give grace to ourselves in that regard. I mean, if God can give room for our limits as human beings--this is seen throughout Scripture and even in how Christ came TO us, while we were sinners and enemies of God--shouldn't we also accept our limits and give our humanity some room, too?
We can know, after reading a few paragraphs later, that this was not how God planned to bring about Abram's heir. But Sarai and Abram did not know that. In fact, it was like they were standing at the end of a very dark cave, where they could see, in the distance, the twinkling light of God's promise. But they couldn't even see their feet--or the ground--in front of them, so...they took a step in the dark, towards that light--it didn't deter them from their course, nor did they fall into a hole in the ground.
It's not until Genesis 17:15 that God becomes more specific about the heir he promised Abram, now called Abraham. God tells him that this son will be coming from Sarai, re-named to be known as Sarah, his 90 year-old barren wife. When Abraham heard this, he fell on his face and laughed! It seemed too impossible and ridiculous! He even asked God if He could just use Abraham's already exisiting son, Ishmael, for what God has promised. Of course God says, "No." And God also restates his promise: "...Sarah, your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name, Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his offspring after him." But, God does not forget about Ishmael either: "As for Ishmael, I have heard you; behold, I have blessed him and will make him fruitful and multiply him greatly. He shall father twelve princes and I will make him into a great nation." It's amazing to see that even though Ishmael was not how God intended to bring about His covenant with Abraham, God still blessed him.
Reading the story about Ishmael and Abraham reminds me that God will remain steadfast to His promise--no matter what I do. God is a good God. He is faithful. He does what is best for His people--in a sense that He plans my life in accordance to what will bring Him the MOST glory. And while Christians can know and be sure that God has promised us good things, we find ourselves in the pitch blackness of our inability to forsee every outcome of every circumstance. I'm learning more and more that actually living out my faith in who God is means taking steps in the darkness of uncertainty and trusting that God will not leave me alone in that darkness. He is there to pick me up when I fall. He guides my steps and helps me get back on track when I take a wrong turn somewhere.
Like Sarai, I often make decisions that would seem to fit into God's will for my life, only to find out that it was kind of close...but not quite Isaac. Abraham and Sarah were not punished, nor were their actions considered sinful by God. And who's to say that it was a wrong decision? I find that living, actually living life, means that there are more gray areas than there are black and whites. Living in the light of this realization means even more dependency on God's grace and His Holy Spirit. Because as God was gracious towards Abraham, Sarah, Hagar and Ishmael, He is gracious towards us in our effort to find our footing in the uncertainty. We must also be able to give grace to ourselves in that regard. I mean, if God can give room for our limits as human beings--this is seen throughout Scripture and even in how Christ came TO us, while we were sinners and enemies of God--shouldn't we also accept our limits and give our humanity some room, too?
27.10.09
Job.
I've been spending some time in Job over the last couple of months. Wanted to share some of my thinking(s):
1. In Chapter 1, God offers up Job, the most righteous man on the earth, to Satan, the evil one, the one who prowls the earth like a ravenous lion, looking for someone to destroy. God tells Satan, "Have you considered Job....behold, all that he has is in your hands." I've browsed over this verse many times but I've never actually reacted to it before. This time around, my mouth hung open. God was more than willing to subject Job to gut-wrenching, heartbreaking pain. In our eyes, this does not seem fair. It's probably because it is not.
2. Before Job's friends decided to try to fix him and make things all better, they actually showed Job compassion and sympathy when they sat with him, on the ground, for seven days and seven nights, without speaking one word..."for they saw that his suffering was very great." Wow.
3. For a long time, God allows Job to speak his mind, to complain...to suffer greatly. Job lamented his brains off. Job did not hold back. Which reminds me of a really great quote I heard last week, "So who here has ever gained anything from successfully hiding your true feelings from God?"
4. However, when it came time for God to speak, when God reminded Job, who He was, Job immediately was silenced. I wonder if Job could've fully appreciated and experienced the GREATNESS of God, if he was not so broken. If his heart was not so tender, would he have said "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted...I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know?" Job had nothing left in him. All he could see, feel, think...was God.
5. My favorite part in the entire book is when the LORD rebukes Job's friends: "My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has...", AND when the LORD restores Job's fortunes. It wasn't like Job expected the LORD to give him twice as much as he had before. Maybe if Job did know that it was God's plan all along, then maybe he would've focused on the prize at hand. Hm. But would that be so wrong? I can't help but look forward to the prize, which is not really the fact that the LORD will bless me--not because I deserve it, but because He is a good God--but that the prize is really Jesus. Somehow, that feels weird to say, even though I know it's true. "The upward call of God in Christ Jesus," is how the Apostle Paul put it in the book of Philippians.
6. I think that the only way Job was able to survive his suffering was simply by the grace of God, which is ironic, because God allowed him to go through those trials in the first place. That is something that is not easy to understand, nor am I going to pretend that I do.
7. I think it's ok to look forward to and even expect God's blessings, for he does bless us in material ways, and in spiritual ways. His blessing may not mean doubling my fortune, or blessing me with 14,000 sheep...but it's going to be something great and worthwhile...a treasure of sorts...with eternal value...
1. In Chapter 1, God offers up Job, the most righteous man on the earth, to Satan, the evil one, the one who prowls the earth like a ravenous lion, looking for someone to destroy. God tells Satan, "Have you considered Job....behold, all that he has is in your hands." I've browsed over this verse many times but I've never actually reacted to it before. This time around, my mouth hung open. God was more than willing to subject Job to gut-wrenching, heartbreaking pain. In our eyes, this does not seem fair. It's probably because it is not.
2. Before Job's friends decided to try to fix him and make things all better, they actually showed Job compassion and sympathy when they sat with him, on the ground, for seven days and seven nights, without speaking one word..."for they saw that his suffering was very great." Wow.
3. For a long time, God allows Job to speak his mind, to complain...to suffer greatly. Job lamented his brains off. Job did not hold back. Which reminds me of a really great quote I heard last week, "So who here has ever gained anything from successfully hiding your true feelings from God?"
4. However, when it came time for God to speak, when God reminded Job, who He was, Job immediately was silenced. I wonder if Job could've fully appreciated and experienced the GREATNESS of God, if he was not so broken. If his heart was not so tender, would he have said "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted...I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know?" Job had nothing left in him. All he could see, feel, think...was God.
5. My favorite part in the entire book is when the LORD rebukes Job's friends: "My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has...", AND when the LORD restores Job's fortunes. It wasn't like Job expected the LORD to give him twice as much as he had before. Maybe if Job did know that it was God's plan all along, then maybe he would've focused on the prize at hand. Hm. But would that be so wrong? I can't help but look forward to the prize, which is not really the fact that the LORD will bless me--not because I deserve it, but because He is a good God--but that the prize is really Jesus. Somehow, that feels weird to say, even though I know it's true. "The upward call of God in Christ Jesus," is how the Apostle Paul put it in the book of Philippians.
6. I think that the only way Job was able to survive his suffering was simply by the grace of God, which is ironic, because God allowed him to go through those trials in the first place. That is something that is not easy to understand, nor am I going to pretend that I do.
7. I think it's ok to look forward to and even expect God's blessings, for he does bless us in material ways, and in spiritual ways. His blessing may not mean doubling my fortune, or blessing me with 14,000 sheep...but it's going to be something great and worthwhile...a treasure of sorts...with eternal value...
23.10.09
"Mash-up"
Mash-up: combining two--or more-- different ideas, or layering them, in order to form one. Finding that one idea, may fill in the deficits of another. (This is my adapted definition of what a mash up is, adapted from a musical mash-up, which can be seen here. Thank you, "Glee.")
If one looks hard enough, one can find redemptive qualities (with some deficits) in secular works--sometimes non-believers can be so profound, "building" altars to God without their conscious knowledge (with deficits filled in by what God has to say):
Today's Mash-Up:
from Lucy Schwartz, lyrics from her song "Gone Away:"
"we were never meant to be this damn broken/words were never meant to be this half-spoken
Falling in a space between the universe/ and all we see has gone away/ Gone away..."
and from the word of the LORD:
" The LORD upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open your hand you satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. The LORD preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever." [Psalm 141: 14-21]
"He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names..." [Psalm 147:3-4]
If one looks hard enough, one can find redemptive qualities (with some deficits) in secular works--sometimes non-believers can be so profound, "building" altars to God without their conscious knowledge (with deficits filled in by what God has to say):
Today's Mash-Up:
from Lucy Schwartz, lyrics from her song "Gone Away:"
"we were never meant to be this damn broken/words were never meant to be this half-spoken
Falling in a space between the universe/ and all we see has gone away/ Gone away..."
and from the word of the LORD:
" The LORD upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open your hand you satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. The LORD preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever." [Psalm 141: 14-21]
"He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names..." [Psalm 147:3-4]
20.10.09
self.
If John Calvin has said, "There is no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God, and no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self," then--if one agrees with this statement--wouldn't it also be true if I said that a false knowing of self would lead to a false knowing of God and a false knowing of God would lead to a false knowing of self?
Sometimes the word "self" is like a buzz word. It makes some Christians cringe. As if acknowledging the self would be immediately sinning against God. It is understandable, though, that many would react this way. With some Christians from the charismatic movement focusing too much on a person's subjective feelings in regards to worship and the rest of the liberal world choosing to leave God behind to focus on self-actualization and self-discovery, it's no wonder that to some Christians, that even daring to mention the "self" is comparable to dropping the f-bomb.
But in a relationship with God, one cannot ignore the self. In fact, in order to accept one's need for a savior, one must acknowledge and understand the depths of their offense towards God! And in order to do that, one must examine and know one's self--their attitudes, their tendencies, their weaknesses and their faults. But somehow, after the preliminary humbling that leads us to the Cross, the new Christian becomes inundated with the ins and outs of American Christian culture: "Now that you're a Christian you have to look like a Christian, smell like a Christian, talk like a Christian and do what Christians do." And sometimes, in order to keep up with all these expectations, one begins to forget who they really are...a broken, weak creature, who still desperately needs a Savior. They take on, or rather give themselves, a new identity--not the one that Christ gave them, but the one that everyone else expects them to have. Then all of a sudden, being a Christian becomes about doing/saying the right things, leading worship, going to bible study, evangelizing, etc. If a person is acting like a Christian, they must be one. As long as a Christian does what supposed to be doing, keeping busy in the church and being active in ministry, then he's fine. And God is proud of him.
It's not long until we forget who we really are and in forgetting who we are, we forget who God is. We know, in our minds, that He is a Holy God, Sovereign and far above us--which is why we made sure that we were doing the right things so that He wouldn't be mad at us. But we forgot that God's love is unconditional, or maybe we never really took the time to understand that cause we were too busy doing other things for Him. We forgot that His love is not affected by what we do or don't do, so we feel like He's greatly disappointed in us if we missed our 20 min quiet time. We forgot that He accepts us for who we are, that while we were sinners, Christ died for us. We forgot that it is His Spirit's work to transform us, to make us more like Jesus--not ours. We tried to sanctify ourselves by doing what Christians are supposed to do and in doing so, we become ok with ourselves, patting ourselves on the back for doing such a good job.
We all are different--we all have different struggles, different personalities, different sin patterns, different heart-wrenching issues and the list goes on. It must be God's work, to transform us. And in order for God to transform us, we must realize that we need to be transformed and in order to do that, we must know ourselves--in a brutally honest way. We must try our hardest not to try to cover up our deepest, darkest secrets with good deeds and the right theology. We must be real, offering who we are to God, so that in knowing who we are, we may know Him all the more.
Sometimes the word "self" is like a buzz word. It makes some Christians cringe. As if acknowledging the self would be immediately sinning against God. It is understandable, though, that many would react this way. With some Christians from the charismatic movement focusing too much on a person's subjective feelings in regards to worship and the rest of the liberal world choosing to leave God behind to focus on self-actualization and self-discovery, it's no wonder that to some Christians, that even daring to mention the "self" is comparable to dropping the f-bomb.
But in a relationship with God, one cannot ignore the self. In fact, in order to accept one's need for a savior, one must acknowledge and understand the depths of their offense towards God! And in order to do that, one must examine and know one's self--their attitudes, their tendencies, their weaknesses and their faults. But somehow, after the preliminary humbling that leads us to the Cross, the new Christian becomes inundated with the ins and outs of American Christian culture: "Now that you're a Christian you have to look like a Christian, smell like a Christian, talk like a Christian and do what Christians do." And sometimes, in order to keep up with all these expectations, one begins to forget who they really are...a broken, weak creature, who still desperately needs a Savior. They take on, or rather give themselves, a new identity--not the one that Christ gave them, but the one that everyone else expects them to have. Then all of a sudden, being a Christian becomes about doing/saying the right things, leading worship, going to bible study, evangelizing, etc. If a person is acting like a Christian, they must be one. As long as a Christian does what supposed to be doing, keeping busy in the church and being active in ministry, then he's fine. And God is proud of him.
It's not long until we forget who we really are and in forgetting who we are, we forget who God is. We know, in our minds, that He is a Holy God, Sovereign and far above us--which is why we made sure that we were doing the right things so that He wouldn't be mad at us. But we forgot that God's love is unconditional, or maybe we never really took the time to understand that cause we were too busy doing other things for Him. We forgot that His love is not affected by what we do or don't do, so we feel like He's greatly disappointed in us if we missed our 20 min quiet time. We forgot that He accepts us for who we are, that while we were sinners, Christ died for us. We forgot that it is His Spirit's work to transform us, to make us more like Jesus--not ours. We tried to sanctify ourselves by doing what Christians are supposed to do and in doing so, we become ok with ourselves, patting ourselves on the back for doing such a good job.
We all are different--we all have different struggles, different personalities, different sin patterns, different heart-wrenching issues and the list goes on. It must be God's work, to transform us. And in order for God to transform us, we must realize that we need to be transformed and in order to do that, we must know ourselves--in a brutally honest way. We must try our hardest not to try to cover up our deepest, darkest secrets with good deeds and the right theology. We must be real, offering who we are to God, so that in knowing who we are, we may know Him all the more.
15.10.09
broken.
I broke my phone this past weekend. Correction: my phone broke itself last Saturday afternoon. As I opened it to check a text message, the top half of my flip phone (i.e. the screen) completely disconnected from the bottom half. I was very much annoyed. Maybe even angry. I might have thrown my hands up in the air in a very "why-God-do-these-things-happen-to-me" kind of way. I might've also thrown a silent, yet efficient, tantrum. God knows that I would not be able to afford to buy a new phone at this point. God also knows that this phone held some sentimental value to me. And it was purple. A deep shade of purple. It was pretty. And now it was broken! I loved it since the first time I had laid eyes on it, a year ago, when I bought it purely because I couldn't bear to look at the scratches on my old phone any longer. It was the cheapest that AT&T had at the time, costing a mere $10 (after sending in the proof of purchase for a $50 rebate). And it was all mine. I did not need anything fancy--mostly because funds would not allow it. I was perfectly content with my purple phone. It was all I wanted. Didn't want anything more. Surely AT&T will replace it.
I went over to a local AT&T on Sunday to find out if I still had some sort of insurance or warranty on the phone. It was a huge sigh of relief to find out that I did. The guy at the store called the insurance company that works with AT&T and sure enough, the guy on the other end of the line told me that I qualified for another phone, free of charge! However, I was informed that AT&T no longer carried the phone that I currently had, so they were going to send me something "comparable." I find out that this "comparable" phone, is MUCH fancier than my little old flip phone and it's costs about $140 more. It's one of those phones that has a touch screen and it slides open to reveal a QWERTY keyboard to make me a more efficient "texter." And it's electric blue!
Maybe I overthink things, but couldn't help thinking, as I walked away from AT&T that day with a smile on my face, that this whole incident--though mundane and seemingly insignificant--was a way for the LORD to teach me an important lesson, or at least reveal to me what He is teaching me now: the value and importance of brokenness. It is strangely reassuring that what I think is best for myself...really isn't. I can convince myself time and time again that whatever it is that I am fixated on at the time, is what's "right." And when God, who has my best interest at heart, finally intervenes, it's never an easy process to trust Him enough to let go. The pain can be heartwrenching enough to be confusing. Oh, but when God shows me what He does want for me, it's like...a billion times better than what I thought I wanted! That's when I realize that the pain, the brokenness...was worth it and necessary to be reminded once again of God's goodness and how much He does care for His children.
With all that to say, I am genuinely excited about how God is going to work in my life. In brokenness, there is abundant hope in who the LORD is. He has amazing things planned for me. For all of us, who hope in Him.
I went over to a local AT&T on Sunday to find out if I still had some sort of insurance or warranty on the phone. It was a huge sigh of relief to find out that I did. The guy at the store called the insurance company that works with AT&T and sure enough, the guy on the other end of the line told me that I qualified for another phone, free of charge! However, I was informed that AT&T no longer carried the phone that I currently had, so they were going to send me something "comparable." I find out that this "comparable" phone, is MUCH fancier than my little old flip phone and it's costs about $140 more. It's one of those phones that has a touch screen and it slides open to reveal a QWERTY keyboard to make me a more efficient "texter." And it's electric blue!
Maybe I overthink things, but couldn't help thinking, as I walked away from AT&T that day with a smile on my face, that this whole incident--though mundane and seemingly insignificant--was a way for the LORD to teach me an important lesson, or at least reveal to me what He is teaching me now: the value and importance of brokenness. It is strangely reassuring that what I think is best for myself...really isn't. I can convince myself time and time again that whatever it is that I am fixated on at the time, is what's "right." And when God, who has my best interest at heart, finally intervenes, it's never an easy process to trust Him enough to let go. The pain can be heartwrenching enough to be confusing. Oh, but when God shows me what He does want for me, it's like...a billion times better than what I thought I wanted! That's when I realize that the pain, the brokenness...was worth it and necessary to be reminded once again of God's goodness and how much He does care for His children.
With all that to say, I am genuinely excited about how God is going to work in my life. In brokenness, there is abundant hope in who the LORD is. He has amazing things planned for me. For all of us, who hope in Him.
5.3.09
Freedom.
they're free.
they've always been "free."
free to live,
free to see,
free to taste,
free to hate,
free to love,
free to discriminate,
free to judge,
free to be indifferent
free to be narcissistic,
free to be negligent,
free to take charge of destiny,
free to sit and watch the stars for signs,
free to be intelligent,
free to be ignorant,
free to be wise,
free to be indecisive,
free to do harm,
free to nurture,
free to kill,
free to save,
free to be free...
free to be enslaved in their freedoms.
they're free.
they've always been free.
they've always been "free."
free to live,
free to see,
free to taste,
free to hate,
free to love,
free to discriminate,
free to judge,
free to be indifferent
free to be narcissistic,
free to be negligent,
free to take charge of destiny,
free to sit and watch the stars for signs,
free to be intelligent,
free to be ignorant,
free to be wise,
free to be indecisive,
free to do harm,
free to nurture,
free to kill,
free to save,
free to be free...
free to be enslaved in their freedoms.
they're free.
they've always been free.
1.2.09
A Beautiful Stranger
The bell chimed politely, announcing the arrival of yet, another customer.
I turned to smile, expecting to see the friendly faces of The Golden Girls, an endearing name I've given to a group of three women, 60 years or older, who regularly meet Sunday evenings--a tradition they started 20 some years ago to get away from their husbands during Monday Night Football. Now they just meet Sunday night, since the men don't watch football as much anymore.
However, instead of seeing Izzie, Marcy and Dale, I was surprised to see a man I've never seen before.
He looked like he had not showered in weeks. His matty and knotted hair was gray. His wrinkled forehead and checkered grin showed conclusive evidence of a man who has weathered, endured and seen a much harsher side of life. As he walked towards the register, the general atmosphere of the small coffee shop immediately became tense and uncomfortable. The man was softly muttering unintelligible things to himself, occassionaly looking to his left, at something, only he could see. I noticed many of the other customers ignored him, or pretended like he wasn't there. I was starting to become anxious. I was not quite sure what to expect from a man, who was showing signs of schizophrenia.
The man walked up the counter and put $2 down without saying a word to me.
"What can I get for you tonight, sir?"
He was still muttering to himself, muttering things that made no sense. He looked to his left, still muttering softly but started gesturing, waving his hand up and down, as if he was trying to "shoo" someone away. He looked at me listlessy, and then as if trying to get a crick out of his neck, he tilted his head slightly and clenched his jaw. He took a deep breath in and looked at me again. It was then that I saw his kind, gray eyes fill with tears. He gave me a look of helplessness and frustration as he tried to communicate with me.
"I just-- I just-- I JUST---want..."
Before he could finish his sentence, he began to mutter uncontrollably once again. He put his hands to his head and began to shake it violently. He stopped after a few seconds and sighed. His eyes looked at me apologetically, and then looked away. He began to mutter again, sounding more angry by the moment.
Something happened to my heart, right there and then. A rush of compassion warmed my entire body, I felt blood rush to my head and as if a lamp was lit inside my mind, my eyes were opened to see this broken man was a human being made in God's image--a beautiful stranger. I wasn't afraid of him anymore.
"Sir," I asked gently, suddenly finding myself trying to fight back tears, "do you want... a cup of coffee?" I wanted to help him. I wanted to do everything I possibly could to help him. It was, however, too lofty a goal to attain at that point in time. Because I was at work, I could only help him with his coffee.
The man, still looking away, nodded. His mutterings died down to a steady lull. Though every now and again, he would bite his lip, as if he was trying to suppress something that he did not have control over. He slowly and gingerly pushed the $2 towards me.
Usually, coffee is self serve at the coffee place I work at--meaning, in a very obvious way, that the customers get their coffee themselves from the airpots placed on the counter.
I handed the man his change and a coffee cup. He nodded a "thank you," and walked over to the coffee pots. He stood there for awhile, looking carefully at each option, obviously confused about what to choose. Fortunately, there were no other customers waiting to be helped, so I walked over and tried to help him: "The House Blend is the more popular choice by most customers here and it's milder than the Tanzanian Peaberry...though the peaberry has kind of a weird, fruity taste...and I wonder sometimes why something fruity would have much more caffeine than a--" He looked at me and snorted a laugh, indicating that I was sharing information that he did not really care about. I smiled, "I mean, the vanilla nut is good." The man nodded furiously in agreement and began filling his cup--still muttering to himself.
I helped him pour creamer in his cup, since he did not seem to know how, or maybe could not get his brain to tell him how. Either way, I was glad to help him. Before he left, he bowed his head politely to me--still muttering his unintelligble words--and walked out the door. The bell chimed again, this time announcing his departure. And I watched him walked across the parking lot until I could not see him anymore, wondering if I would ever see him again-- The strange man who reminded me of something very important: People are worth our time and care because they are made in God's image, and there is something profoundly beautiful in that.
I turned to smile, expecting to see the friendly faces of The Golden Girls, an endearing name I've given to a group of three women, 60 years or older, who regularly meet Sunday evenings--a tradition they started 20 some years ago to get away from their husbands during Monday Night Football. Now they just meet Sunday night, since the men don't watch football as much anymore.
However, instead of seeing Izzie, Marcy and Dale, I was surprised to see a man I've never seen before.
He looked like he had not showered in weeks. His matty and knotted hair was gray. His wrinkled forehead and checkered grin showed conclusive evidence of a man who has weathered, endured and seen a much harsher side of life. As he walked towards the register, the general atmosphere of the small coffee shop immediately became tense and uncomfortable. The man was softly muttering unintelligible things to himself, occassionaly looking to his left, at something, only he could see. I noticed many of the other customers ignored him, or pretended like he wasn't there. I was starting to become anxious. I was not quite sure what to expect from a man, who was showing signs of schizophrenia.
The man walked up the counter and put $2 down without saying a word to me.
"What can I get for you tonight, sir?"
He was still muttering to himself, muttering things that made no sense. He looked to his left, still muttering softly but started gesturing, waving his hand up and down, as if he was trying to "shoo" someone away. He looked at me listlessy, and then as if trying to get a crick out of his neck, he tilted his head slightly and clenched his jaw. He took a deep breath in and looked at me again. It was then that I saw his kind, gray eyes fill with tears. He gave me a look of helplessness and frustration as he tried to communicate with me.
"I just-- I just-- I JUST---want..."
Before he could finish his sentence, he began to mutter uncontrollably once again. He put his hands to his head and began to shake it violently. He stopped after a few seconds and sighed. His eyes looked at me apologetically, and then looked away. He began to mutter again, sounding more angry by the moment.
Something happened to my heart, right there and then. A rush of compassion warmed my entire body, I felt blood rush to my head and as if a lamp was lit inside my mind, my eyes were opened to see this broken man was a human being made in God's image--a beautiful stranger. I wasn't afraid of him anymore.
"Sir," I asked gently, suddenly finding myself trying to fight back tears, "do you want... a cup of coffee?" I wanted to help him. I wanted to do everything I possibly could to help him. It was, however, too lofty a goal to attain at that point in time. Because I was at work, I could only help him with his coffee.
The man, still looking away, nodded. His mutterings died down to a steady lull. Though every now and again, he would bite his lip, as if he was trying to suppress something that he did not have control over. He slowly and gingerly pushed the $2 towards me.
Usually, coffee is self serve at the coffee place I work at--meaning, in a very obvious way, that the customers get their coffee themselves from the airpots placed on the counter.
I handed the man his change and a coffee cup. He nodded a "thank you," and walked over to the coffee pots. He stood there for awhile, looking carefully at each option, obviously confused about what to choose. Fortunately, there were no other customers waiting to be helped, so I walked over and tried to help him: "The House Blend is the more popular choice by most customers here and it's milder than the Tanzanian Peaberry...though the peaberry has kind of a weird, fruity taste...and I wonder sometimes why something fruity would have much more caffeine than a--" He looked at me and snorted a laugh, indicating that I was sharing information that he did not really care about. I smiled, "I mean, the vanilla nut is good." The man nodded furiously in agreement and began filling his cup--still muttering to himself.
I helped him pour creamer in his cup, since he did not seem to know how, or maybe could not get his brain to tell him how. Either way, I was glad to help him. Before he left, he bowed his head politely to me--still muttering his unintelligble words--and walked out the door. The bell chimed again, this time announcing his departure. And I watched him walked across the parking lot until I could not see him anymore, wondering if I would ever see him again-- The strange man who reminded me of something very important: People are worth our time and care because they are made in God's image, and there is something profoundly beautiful in that.
12.12.08
Naming my un-born child.
I did not intend for the title of my blog post to be so...creepy. Hah. Oh well.
You might find this surprising, since my affinity for children is borderline obsessive--but don't worry your kids are safe with me, I promise (can't guarantee I'll give them back though. Just kidding!) Anyway, as I was saying, you might be surprised to find out, that even though I love children, I have never really thought about potential names for potential children that I might produce someday. The reason for that is because thinking of potential children leads to thinking about potential husbands, or boyfriends, or weddings... stuff that I don't really care to think about or dwell on. Especially as of late, because believe it or not: boys stink. Sorry. They do. I try to stay away from them, or anything that has facial hair or speaks an octave lower than me.
Well, ok. It's not like I never think about weddings and/or stuff like that, I just try not to do it too much.
Anywho. Baby names. Ok well, today I ran across a name that I thought was...the greatest name. I recognize that that is a completely subjective statement and YOU may not agree with me, but I'm going to tell you anway. The name is... Milann (pronounced--carissa, help me out here--"mull-ahn"). Yeah. Like the city in Italy. I just think it's so... elegant. If God chooses to bless with me with a daughter (after he blesses me with a boyfriend who turns into a husband, etc), I am naming her Milann. Or at least that will be one of her names. She might have two.
Yeah, I know it's unorthodox. But I am a fan of unorthodox. After all, my real name IS Lenimfa.
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