self.

If John Calvin has said, "There is no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God, and no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self," then--if one agrees with this statement--wouldn't it also be true if I said that a false knowing of self would lead to a false knowing of God and a false knowing of God would lead to a false knowing of self?

Sometimes the word "self" is like a buzz word. It makes some Christians cringe. As if acknowledging the self would be immediately sinning against God. It is understandable, though, that many would react this way. With some Christians from the charismatic movement focusing too much on a person's subjective feelings in regards to worship and the rest of the liberal world choosing to leave God behind to focus on self-actualization and self-discovery, it's no wonder that to some Christians, that even daring to mention the "self" is comparable to dropping the f-bomb.

But in a relationship with God, one cannot ignore the self. In fact, in order to accept one's need for a savior, one must acknowledge and understand the depths of their offense towards God! And in order to do that, one must examine and know one's self--their attitudes, their tendencies, their weaknesses and their faults. But somehow, after the preliminary humbling that leads us to the Cross, the new Christian becomes inundated with the ins and outs of American Christian culture: "Now that you're a Christian you have to look like a Christian, smell like a Christian, talk like a Christian and do what Christians do." And sometimes, in order to keep up with all these expectations, one begins to forget who they really are...a broken, weak creature, who still desperately needs a Savior. They take on, or rather give themselves, a new identity--not the one that Christ gave them, but the one that everyone else expects them to have. Then all of a sudden, being a Christian becomes about doing/saying the right things, leading worship, going to bible study, evangelizing, etc. If a person is acting like a Christian, they must be one. As long as a Christian does what supposed to be doing, keeping busy in the church and being active in ministry, then he's fine. And God is proud of him.

It's not long until we forget who we really are and in forgetting who we are, we forget who God is. We know, in our minds, that He is a Holy God, Sovereign and far above us--which is why we made sure that we were doing the right things so that He wouldn't be mad at us. But we forgot that God's love is unconditional, or maybe we never really took the time to understand that cause we were too busy doing other things for Him. We forgot that His love is not affected by what we do or don't do, so we feel like He's greatly disappointed in us if we missed our 20 min quiet time. We forgot that He accepts us for who we are, that while we were sinners, Christ died for us. We forgot that it is His Spirit's work to transform us, to make us more like Jesus--not ours. We tried to sanctify ourselves by doing what Christians are supposed to do and in doing so, we become ok with ourselves, patting ourselves on the back for doing such a good job.

We all are different--we all have different struggles, different personalities, different sin patterns, different heart-wrenching issues and the list goes on. It must be God's work, to transform us. And in order for God to transform us, we must realize that we need to be transformed and in order to do that, we must know ourselves--in a brutally honest way. We must try our hardest not to try to cover up our deepest, darkest secrets with good deeds and the right theology. We must be real, offering who we are to God, so that in knowing who we are, we may know Him all the more.