vulnerABILITY

I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?"  I responded by asking what he meant by that.   He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff."  I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars.  I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.

I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants.  Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like.  Often,  these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me).  I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom.  When life is tough, anything else is pure crap.  Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me:  God is predictably good. He saves and redeems.  He is not cruel and unjust.  He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.

In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality.  That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work.  I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.

I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender.  However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful.  I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option.  A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.

I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so.  I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different.  I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around.  He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him.  And I hope the same goes for me.  I mean, I think it's a double edged sword.  I know people will be judgmental either way.  It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world."  Whatever. 

I was just thinking and reflecting about what it means to really live for God while I read a brief synopsis of the life of Dietrich Boenhoeffer.

There are a lot of competing priorities when it comes to truly surrendering to God and really seeking His will for our lives--and I think there always has been.  Christians are human beings who want good things for their lives: successful careers, happy marriages, healthy relationships, being able to do the things we are passionate about...but often outside of seeking God first or surrendering to what He wants and trusting Him to provide the good in his perfect timing.

I struggle with surrendering.  It seems scary.  There's a lie floating around that surrendering to God means that we will be completely unhappy, that we will begrudge living and rue each day that comes.  I don't really know what surrendering to the will of God means right now. Part of me is sweating the trivial things like wondering if people will think I'm less "cool," will people judge me and think I'm legalistic (ironic, right?), etc.  I feel like an idiot admitting that right now.  Jesus died for me on the Cross and I'm worried about being cool. Hmm.  Other people were/are thoroughly convinced that Jesus was/is worthy dying or being imprisoned or being tortured and maimed for.  That's convicting.

I think in some ways surrendering might just mean seeking after and finding contentment in the place where I am at. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. Letting myself be. Generally accepting my circumstance: the good, the not-so good and the painful, but also actively listening to the still small voice and being obedient to step in whichever direction He leads me. More importantly, I think surrendering is simply listening to God and letting Him lead me instead of me telling Him what I am going to do with my life...

I've had to reevaluate my life and my priorities recently. I am asking for wisdom about what the next step is and I think God wants me to change my attitude about work and to view it as a place to really seek out ways to pour into people: patients and co-workers alike. I think He brought about an opportunity to travel with Coleman Associates doing their CHAMP internship program because He wants me to help my clinic in other different ways, to learn from Coleman and bring back what I've learned to my clinic to help us see more patients and continue to make a significant impact on Skid Row.  I think God wants me to learn how to be faithful in going to community group and continue to seek ways to get plugged into my church.

I think I've spent so much time psyching myself out or rationalizing myself out of throwing myself into God's arms.  I know and have known for awhile that I want nothing else than to be faithful to what He has called me to do and I refuse to believe that I will live disdainfully if I do.  I think it will be quite the opposite because God is predictably good.

I can't settle for anything less anymore.

I was sitting in my car, eating some chips and reflecting on my day. I do that often--minus the eating chips part.  I like to sit and debrief with myself when I get home.  I don't rush out of the car. I just like to sit.

I was thinking about the phone call I just received regarding a promising opportunity to travel.  This opportunity had come up before in October, but I let it fall through the cracks because it didn't seem like the timing was right, or there were just things surrounding the issue that didn't seem right. So I didn't pursue it.  I was surprised this company had called me again 4 months later.  I am excited. I don't know what this means or if this is a new chapter in my life beginning to unfold.  There are still some things that need to fall into place, like approval from my C.E.O and my direct supervisor to allow me to travel for a week at a time every other month or so.  I am praying, though for God's perfect will, for peace and direction for me and those involved in this decision.  And holy crap, duh, I would so want to do this!  I am young and I am thirsty for adventure.  I want to experience all that this life has to offer. I want to use all the gifts that God has given me.  I don't want to live a life that is mediocre, that settles for what's comfortable and familiar. God, send me out! I am ready.

I am blessed to have a direct supervisor who genuinely looks out for me.  She's like an older sister to me.  A bold, wise and spirit-filled Christian woman.  She has told me on different occasions that she wants to keep me close, to support me in whatever way that she can.  I am quite in disbelief about this, actually.  That someone whom I have only known for a few months has taken on the role as my strongest advocate in the place where I work.  A few weeks ago, while I was sitting in her office, she told me that she was excited for me and my future and I quote: "Your future is so bright. Girl, I have to put sunglasses on when I am around you. Amen. And I will hold this excitement for you, until you can take it from me."  I was beside myself.  I told God that I wanted to be like her when I "grow up."

With all that to say, I am glad she is on my side. I know that it's a very tangible representation of God's love and encouragement for me.  And I am not sure what I did, but like grace, her favor or God's favor is not something I can work for or deserve.  As much as I like to write and express myself, I can't really find the words to say how deeply moved and thankful I am of this.  Therefore, I know whatever decision she makes about the next step of my career is for my good and it is comforting to know that she will seek prayer about it.

Life. You never know what you're gonna get.

I am a thinker and an externalizer. I am compelled to speak my mind and my heart's mind. I feel my emotions strongly and therefore they are ornamental on my demeanor, my sleeves and on my face. Yet, upon knowing this about myself, I feel the pull of hesitancy about being frank about what I really think or how I really feel.  There are many factors that contribute to this: fear of judgment-- what would that really mean about the state of who Linell is; fear of who may actually stumble upon this very public website--I do want to protect people, even if I feel like kicking them...in places that hurt.

Anyway.

I say all of those things because I was thinking about the nature of pain.  Pain is probably the realest reminder that we have about how small and human we truly are. At least, that's what pain is for me.  Pain is such an abstract ideal, yet it pierces deeply. Maybe that's why we either idolize it to the point of being victimized by our vices, or we pretend like it doesn't really exist, that our nerves are enforced with steel.

Pain.  We refuse to talk about it, we rationalize it, we ignore it, we engage it and grab it by the horns, we surrender to it, we hate it, we learn from it, we don't learn from it, we grow or we grow bitter about life and our circumstances because of it.  It's the drive the pushes us to express ourselves. Musicians, artists and poets create from the pain of longing, or want, or confusion. Pain can be good and is often the basis of our inspiration-it's a unique consequence for living life, even more so for those who seek to live life abundantly.

I examine my pain--the sharp and the dull aches,  and the heart-wrenching, the feeling like I just got the wind knocked out of me every time I remember kind of pain.  I hate it. I hate hurting. I feel the nagging poking and prodding in the pit of my stomach that sometimes makes me want to hurl very heavy and fragile things out of my bedroom window.  In moments of emotional and physical exhaustion it can often feel like despair and though hope is as near as a whispered prayer, it can also feel so far away. 

And as much as I hate hurting, I also know that it is what keeps my hope and my faith alive. Though I hate talking about my pain, I can't help it.  I know that often times the best way to move on and move forward is to bleed it out until it can no longer bleed.  I know that the hurt is what throws me into the arms of God and into the love of people.  Pain pushes me to seek healing, pushes me to grow. I have found that pain in my life have been the markers of transition from one season to the next. Ergo, pain is a beautiful thing.

Still, it's not easy to acknowledge the hurts.  It's so difficult to accept and embrace the pain. Sometimes accepting the pain might mean there is something about myself--a harsh reality or truth, or lie that I need to face.  I find that acceptance is difficult to embrace when something might make it seem like I am not good enough or worthy enough of being loved for who I am.  It's hard to accept that someone can walk away from me, after giving so much of myself to them because a part of me believed that it could've been a lifelong investment.  But such is life--relationships come and go and we can't marry everyone that we date.  It takes courage and a degree of maturity to grow deeper into relationships--and we are all at different stages.   Sometimes it takes two people simply being on the same page.

But feelings are feelings and they suck.  And break-ups are a bitch, or something more ornery than one. 

I hate my pain, but I also am working towards accepting it. I find that writing about it helps. I find that letting people know that I am hurting helps because inevitably I know that I am ok and that I will get better. And they affirm that for me, too.  I also know that pain is a major constant in life and I don't want to be paralyzed by it.  I want to be able to thrive amidst the hurting, while giving myself space to break down or let things crumble once in awhile.  God promises to rebuild the things that He has broken and I hold that promise close to my heart.  It's the best salve for my pain, for anyone's pain.

I wrote the following excerpt a year and a half ago, reflecting on Mary's unique situation--a bethrothed woman, a virgin, chosen by God to carry the Savior of the world in her womb... and the cultural/emotional hardships this might have brought up for her and Joseph...

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

Pain and disappointment have been my bosom buddies over the last few years--if you read through this blog, you will see what I mean.  Some of it was self-inflicted, but most of it are residuals from my familial history--which directly have affected some of the decisions I have made in the last year that have only left me hurt and crestfallen.

I have spent a lot of time today rationalizing, finding reasons to help me make sense of my most recent disappointment.  I've lamented about life and reached out for prayer.  I've also sought counsel and wisdom and community.  I see God's hand in things, but I also feel like I'm ready to be anywhere else but here. But I know there's no place I can really run away to, anyway, since my baggage(s) is (are) my constant companion(s).

The tension between believing in God's promises but waiting for them to come to fruition has never been easy for anyone. I often think about why God wants us to learn to wait on Him. But I've discovered that the waiting isn't meant to be rational or logical since God is not human and His ways are higher.

Frankly, its hard to sit in the fact that a year ago from today, life was painful and hard, mostly because of a very difficult family situation that had surfaced.  God made Abraham wait 90+ years before He gave Abraham the son, the heir, that He had promised, so is it obnoxious for me to think that a year later my life would be drastically different? That I wouldn't be hurting? I mean, my life is different today than it was a year ago and God has carried me through some of the hurt that 2011 had to offer, but I think I'm mostly disappointed that I am still hurting...about the same things in some ways and hurting in some new ways, too.  I do look forward for the ways that God will heal me and I know, or at least choose to believe that He will redeem the pain and turn it into something beautiful. Ergo, hope is not too elusive.

But Lord knows I'm ready to catch a break. I'm ready for something different.

He will surely come.

I've been home sick the last few days. I came home Monday afternoon from work and felt somethin' abrewin' and sure enough-- had a fever by 7pm, with my nose completely congested by the time I woke up the next morning. It's some kind of Upper Respiratory Infection that I probably picked up from working in a clinic on Skid Row. It's mostly likely a new "bug" that I picked up because I can't remember the last time I've had to stay home sick for such an extended period of time.  It was weird because I would spike a fever around the same time every night. I guess the viruses in my body decided that 5:30 in the evening was the best time to have their block party. I'm praying that this isn't the case tonight because (a) my boyfriend and my best friend are coming over for dinner and (b) I do want to eventually go back to work...

I didn't intend to blog about my illness, however.  I wanted to blog about God working amidst it all.

The interesting thing about all of this is that this week was dedicated to fasting.  The church that I've been going to for the last few Sundays implemented a church-wide fast, to pray and ask God for direction in our lives as individuals and in the lives of those in leadership at church. Since I work a fast-paced, on-the-go, nursing job at a clinic where anything can happen... I knew I couldn't completely fast from food, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was nudging me to fast from other things that I turn to or find comfort in instead of sitting with God in my discomfort. These things include, TV (including shows I watch online), movies, comfort food (like Thai food, fried chicken and Sun Chips), coffee (I'm an addict in denial), facebook and music.

I knew deep down that there have been some things that I haven't allowed myself to process since I've moved to Burbank. With a new season in life--a new job as a new nurse, a new surrounding, a new church, a new boyfriend--comes a lot of processing. And I was keeping myself busy, or inundated with external noise.  I knew that I felt kind of disconnected to myself and to God, but I wasn't really making the effort either to do anything about it.

God's timing is perfect, however, in that the week I decide to fast from external noise, I also have to stay home. Sick. No tv. No facebook. No movies. No music. Just me, my Bible and my thoughts. Oh and Jesus, of course. He is bringing up a lot of things, things that I feel would take up a whole nother blog post to explain...but in these things, I see how he wants to heal my brokenness and bind my wounds (Psalm 147:3).

Part of my frustration is that I thought I was all "fixed."  That I didn't have to worry about any of those past hurts, etc.  But I do see that God wants to fully restore me--even though it will take a lot more time than I originally planned. Haha. It's a place of vulnerability that I am hesitant and naturally unwilling to sit in. I do have hope, however, because God is predictably good. And in my life, He's only proved His faithfulness, love and power...time and time again.

Furthermore, I found great encouragement in Habakkuk this week.  I learned this week that the main theme in Habakkuk is how God uses a wicked nation (Babylon) for his divine purpose. This is of course in reference to God using Babylon to punish Assyria and Judah. And amidst this dark time, the words that God speaks to Habakkuk are the following: "...For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie.  If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.  Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by faith." (Habakkuk 2:3-4).

In that time, those who were followers of God, who were caught up in the ugliness of war and all that comes with such a horrible thing, were urged to live by faith. They had no other choice. Without faith, they would lose hope.  They didn't know what was going to happen, they had to trust that God is a good God.  The righteous must choose to remember how God has proven Himself to them, most especially during a time when things didn't make sense.

This is applicable in many ways for many people.  We all go through hardships and dark times and in those times, we must live by faith. We must live and trust God's goodness in the day to day, since we are essentially blind to what the future may hold. Even when negativity and self-pity, bitterness and discontent are constant companions, we must choose to see beyond them and think about what it means to live by faith, to trust that God is all knowing and faithful, that He is predictably good, that He loves us, that He is patient and compassionate and kind, that His plans (and His timing) are perfect.

Amen? Amen.

What am I doing?

I don't mean to pose that question in a negative light.  I really am kind of wondering what is happening in my life right now.  It's a kind of wondering that involves meandering, thoughtful, consideration of the past couple of weeks and what I've been doing with my time.  Other than studying for the NCLEX--the biggest test of my life--I've mostly been hanging out with friends, soaking up the bit of time left that we have here together, taking advantage of the fact that we are still around the area and most importantly-- we don't really have actual responsibilities (i.e mortgage, marriages, car payments, children, etc.) 

I am kind of amused at how easy things seem to be going right now.  I wake up, study throughout the day, go to random exercise classes at the local 24 hr fitness (Zumba is my new favorite activity), or hang out with friends and watch movies (or play guitar hero), or play intense games of... Fishbowl.  I'm not complaining. This is NIIIIIIIICE. I'm even bobbing my head as I say it. 

Haha. I'm 26 years old, which I revealed to a new friend of mine who apparently thought I was 22 or 23. This came up because he asked me when I would want to get married--I didn't think anything of it, mostly because he seems like the kind of "dude" that just asks questions (plus, he's happily girlfriended).  I realized I was kind of disappointed that I had to admit how old I actually was.  I think I wanted him to keep thinking I was younger.

I guess hanging out with people who are a few years younger than me would make me slightly self-conscious about the fact that I'm 26.  But it really shouldn't. 

This is all correlated in someway...it's one big train of thought.  I think me being 26 and still kind of living the life of a "youngin" makes me wonder if I should be doing something more.... "mature."  I don't know.  Maybe I should just be thankful with where I'm at.  And I am.  I also believe that I am exactly where God wants me... so who cares what sort of internal judgment I'm projecting onto this situation right now? 

What do most 26 year olds do, anyway? 

Bah. Well, who cares.  I am enjoying myself and living life in a new way.  I feel really free.  And I'm excited for what's coming in these next few months...in the next year! At the same time,  I'm enjoying each day as it comes, too. I have a feeling I should soak up this season of my life.  Take it for what it is.

After the Fact...

I am a college graduate. 

It's been a long time coming for me--maybe that's why the post-college feeling is all the more sweeter, smoother even. I feel very blessed--especially because I have a job.  A job that I am ecstatic and giddy about.  If you had told me a few months ago that I would have a job right out of school, I would've laughed very obnoxiously in your face.  My expectations were very low, mostly because those kinds of things don't really happen to me. If you've read my blog over the last few months (or years), it's pretty evident that I have been dealing with a lot of disappointments and discouragements--from either external situations or my own internal experience. So, why would I expect anything else?  This isn't meant to sound depressing or hopeless--I think my low expectations were equal parts humility and acceptance of my low estate, with maybe a mild tinge of self-pity. 

 Anyways, I think I really had reached a point of honest to goodness humility...and surrender.  God had brought me to that place and I wasn't going to fight him anymore. Don't get me wrong--it's a good place to be, but it did take quite a bit to get me here.   However, I still came up with some semblance of a plan--because I'm a woman and a woman who likes to plan things.  I called it PLAN B and it entailed going to bartending school and working at a bar in downtown Fullerton and maybe nannying, too.  I was even thinking about revisiting my days as a barista and planned to work at starbucks or any coffee shop that would employ a person with a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. All I knew was I wanted to be with people and talk to people, to be in the world and not of it, to be in ministry through relationships with people who are different from me, to love them as Jesus did... to love them as Jesus as has taught me to do.

But God still blessed me with a job that I would've given my left arm for. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration.  I probably wouldn't have torn out a limb to work at a clinic on Skid Row, but I remember despising the thought of working at some adult medical-surgical floor just for experience--but I was going to buck up and do it if I got hired at a hospital. However, God saw my heart and what I desired to do with my life and He is gracious enough to give me the opportunity to work with homeless people in downtown L.A... as a nurse. 

Oh man, there's still so much to say.  Because...God not only blessed me with a job, but also brought reconciliation in my life. He has taught me what true forgiveness is and what it means to entrust this process to Him. Things with my family had been the brunt of my spiritual and emotional distress and I didn't even think we would be whole come graduation time.  But the goodness of God prevailed.  I doubted His goodness and His love and may I never do it again--at least not anytime soon.

Over the years, I had become wary of saying "Glory to God," because I came from a background where those three words were dropped like it's hot. But they were empty words, without meaning, without real understanding, without real substantial and heartfelt belief.

But today, I can say it. GLORY TO GOD.  Those three words hold the last 5 years of my life, the ups and the downs--mostly downs-- the trials and the heartaches, the blessings of new realizations, the struggle in wrestling with God amidst the pain and most importantly--real and honest surrender, a willingness to let go of control of my life because God has proven His sovereignty, care, love and provision.

I pray that I will carry and hold true to this very important lesson in my life as I move on to a new chapter...

Acceptance.

I spent Monday and part of Tuesday up in Idyllwild, CA.  I had never gone on a solo retreat before--I guess I never saw the need for it.  But in light of recent events and ever growing burden on my weary heart, I knew I needed to go.

It was a gorgeous house on top of the mountain, surrounded by nature and I had it all to myself.  The owners, a couple who heard God call them to build this retreat center, really provided a place of safety, comfort and peace.  It's a place dedicated for weary travelers to find their center once again in Jesus.

I had never been happier than when I was sitting alone in that huge house by myself.  There was silence and the grandiose view of mountains and towering pine trees.  I even went on a hike to a place called "Inspiration Point."  And I sat there for hours just reflecting on my life, amidst nature, and connecting with God in a way that I hadn't in a long time.

It was there on the mountain top that I was able to see clearly all the burdens that I had been carrying: anger, resentment, holding on to a sense of control and not wanting to let go of it, most importantly--an unwillingness to accept my life and all the pain and hardship that I have endured and my personal struggles that I battle with on a day to day basis.   I wrestled with the thought that I merely had to accept the pain, when pain is, well, so painful.  What would that acceptance mean?  Would that mean that I would allow myself to sit in that pain?  Does that mean I can't always expect God to do something about it? Does that mean accepting that God may never do anything about it?

It was good to get away, to think, to process.  But as soon as I came back down from the mountain--I saw that life didn't change.  I wasn't really expecting it to.  It's still hard and I still have my issues.  However, it's like my pain had never been quite so blatantly exposed in front of me.  The difference is, though I wrestled with it for a while last night, I woke up tired and humbled this morning.  I need to accept my life and my pain.  And I think I am doing that as I sit here blogging about it.  I woke up this morning and called to mind truth that God is in it with me, working in me and bringing me to a place where I will see that it is worth it.  I don't know when that will be but I'm not trying to put a limit on it anymore. 

The paradoxical nature of acceptance is letting go of my need to get away from pain in order to bring God in.  Trusting in God then means that I'm not simply sitting here, but digging deeply into the root of my pain and working through it to find healing. 

With all that to say, I accept my life.  I accept my humility. I accept that restoration may happen, or may it not happen the way I want it to.  I accept that restoration may mean something completely unexpected.  I accept the unexpected.  I accept my pain and the sadness that comes with it from time to time.  I accept the not-so-ideals, the unfulfilled desires, the blessings in disguises, and the waiting.  I accept myself and who God has made me to be, even the parts that seem less desirable to others--especially to myself-- the parts that God is currently renewing and restoring. I accept that God is good amidst the pain, that He is present whether or not I acknowledge it.

I accept it all.

It is good.

Today, I sat outside a cafe in downtown Fullerton. I sat on a paisley cushion atop a white wicker chair, taking in the eclectic outdoor patio decoration at Cafe Veronese. I lazily sipped on coffee, in between bites of a decadent chocolate cake.  I let my eyes feast on the vines that grew along the fence,  and I giggled softly because I loved the sight of yellow flowers speckled throughout.  I listened to the fountain and let the sound of the water coax me into a more peaceful mood.  The sun gleamed softly, its warm light reflected by the white tiled table top, touched my face like a gentle kiss.  A gentle and cool breeze caressed my hair and the edges of my mustard yellow skirt.  The sky was clear and the clouds were like cotton balls, arranged messily in groups of threes and fours.

As I sat there, I marveled at my inner peace.  I felt genuinely thankful for life and that I could enjoy the little things.  That things like yellow flowers, chocolate cake and 74 degree weather still makes a substantial impact on my soul. 

The last 8 weeks or so have been, well--for lack of a better term--a doozy.  If you had told me that by week 10, I would be so relaxed and so peaceful, that I would be stuffing my face full of cake,  I probably wouldn't have believed you.  I might even have told you that you were effing crazy.

I guess it just goes to show that I am still one of little faith.  Well, it's a growing faith.  It's still quite miniscule.  But, I do see it growing stronger.  Getting bigger. More bold.  Less afraid.  And this peace that comes with it is most definitely a gift of grace, from God, who I am convinced today loves and cares about His people.  That He loves and cares about me.

It's not like I did anything extra special either.  Neither has much of my external situations changed--other than the fact that I'm mostly done with school projects/presentations.  There are still quite a few aspects in my life that are less than ideal. 

I think I realized this last Friday, that if Jesus can calm a raging storm and churning waves, if Jesus can still the mighty ocean, then His power is sufficient to bring about peace in whatever life situation I find myself in.   It's so good to see His power and His work within me.  Especially because I have not held back from showing Him/telling Him about what I truly think and feel about the crap that has happened. I feel like I really, truly wrestled with all that has been going on.  Being honest with myself and with other people.  It certainly has not been easy.  

As I sat there and ate my cake,  I thanked Him for listening.  I thanked Him for caring about my humanity and giving space for my emotions.  I thanked Him for helping me overcome my fears and for helping me see a side of surrender that I have never seen before.  I looked at where I've been and where I am now, in this place of substantial peace--I see that I have gained a better sense of what it means to trust God.  It's really amazing.  It's almost ineffable.

So yeah.  Today is a good day.  I want to enjoy it.

Lastly, I want to end with a verse that seems to make more sense to me now than it ever has before: 

"For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me." [Colossians 1:29]

Toodles.

Procrastination.

GUHHHHHHH.

I have a buttload that's due over the next few weeks.  And what am I doing?

Cleaning my room. Doing Laundry. Organizing the CD's in my car. Watching "Tangled." 

What should I be doing?
Academic Literature Survey (due Monday)
Calling medical agencies in Bell Gardens, CA for a community project that's due in 2 weeks
applying for nursing jobs
...among other things

I hate not being motivated just as much as I hate doing homework.  I'm most definitely not someone who puts a ton of effort into homework, especially when I would rather be having fun.  I often wonder how this is going to translate into day-to-day life for me.  In my defense, when I really want to do something or really interested in something, it's not work for me.  I hate school. I hate the busy work.  I just want to be free from all this.  Bring on the real world.

Ok. I'm done venting. Off to find research articles related to the ethics behind reporductive technologies so I can write a 5 page paper on it. I'm setting a goal for myself to have it done by today.  So I can have a time to just chill on Sunday and enjoy my 6 hour break between classes on Monday.

Ready. Set. GO!

My encouragement today.

"The LORD will fight for you, and you only have to be silent." [Exodus 14:14]

Sometimes, life is just overwhelming.  There's only so much I can do.  I see the extent of my weakness yet again.  And I must and choose to believe that God cares and that He is working in ways that I can't even begin to imagine.

I truly believe that God is using that verse and this song to remind me that He cares about me in ways that I don't fully realize yet. 

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
my life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
He hears me when I call

On Sin and Digging Trenches

Since I've been on vacation and I have nothing imminent or pressing to attend to in the mornings, I find myself laying in bed, trying to unravel, or solve, life's mysteries within the first hour of my awakening.

This morning was no different.

My alarm went of at 9:00 but I was well awake before then, thinking about my life and random aspects of it. And while I was laying there thinking, the idea of sin floated through my mind.  What is sin? And what ignoring sin or pretending like something isn't a sin can do for a person's soul.  I pictured a determined scruffy young man, digging a trench in the country side somewhere.  I don't know why he's digging this trench, but he's determined to get to something or maybe to escape from some unwelcomed unhappiness that has recently entered into his life. Somehow, in his toil and sweat, he finds satisfaction in the digging and as he gets deeper into his trench, in his mind, he's productively escaping from whatever it is that he's running from.  However, as he digs deeper,  he realizes that he's dug himself a hole that he can't climb out of.  And he tries for sometime.  But the dirt walls of this trench crumble apart as he tries to find his footing.  Eventually he gives up.  He sits there, at the bottom of his trench, feeling more hopeless and forgotten than he ever has before.  He begins to think that death would be better than sitting alone in the darkness.

I've come to realize that living according to God's standards extends beyond the Ten Commandments (thou shalt not lie, or covet your neighbor's plasma screen, or steal it, etc).  I think God gave Moses the Ten Commandments as a prototype, or model, a bullet point summary, if you will, of what God really wants out of His people--which is absolute devotion to Him.   I am 99% sure that God wants me to find my happiness and joy in Him.  I know that God wants me to include Him in my daily life, to be at the center of every big life changing decision, to spend most of my time thinking about Him, and to love Him more than I love anything else in this world, including my family, my significant other (if I had one), my friends and most especially, myself.  And I know that He also wants me to treat other people well because He made them and thus I should respect and give worth to what He's created.

So, then, in light of all this, what is sin? The best and most sincere definition I can come up with right now is that it is an action, that begins with a thought that seeks to serve myself and causes harm to myself, my relationship with God and/or with other people.  Furthermore, I think the issue of sin goes deeper, goes beyond just the act.  Like the trench digger, I believe that people find themselves "in sin" when life becomes less ideal, or find that waiting on God's timing, or believing that God is good, seems pointless at a particular juncture in time.  Sin begins as an impulse, when shovel first meets dirt--whether it's in rebellion or impatience, or hopelessness that leads to self-destruction. 

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago at an Irish pub in Santa Barbara when I visited a friend for her birthday.   He bought me a snakebite (pear cider and beer) and we proceeded to engage in a light-hearted conversation that quickly became a more deep and meaningful one.  He told me that he used to recruit strippers for a local strip club, which was an interesting conversation in and of itself, but he immediately followed that by telling me that he was perpetually drunk.  He asked me why I thought he was always drunk.  I looked at him for a few seconds and said, "is there something about your life that you don't want to think about?"  He smiled and raised his fist in air and said, "I hate my fuckin' life! It's pretty shitty. And my mind never stops thinking so I just drink till I'm happy." I told him that that made sense.  People around us, raised their glasses.  Of course, those who laughed and agreed with him were having a horrible week, too.  One guy in particular said that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him on Christmas day and also tried to run him over with her car.  He bought shots for everyone before he stumbled out of the pub to the next.

Humans, no matter how christian we are, cannot help ourselves from falling into sin, or digging our trenches.  Especially, when we engage this broken world and entangle ourselves with broken people.  I am not much different from those two guys I met at the bar. I get it. I know that the only thing holding me back from getting drunk off my ass is something supernatural, which is an overactive conscience, i.e. the Holy Spirit.   So, that's one trench that I have yet to start digging, not to say that I haven't started several.  I am an impatient, impulsive and selfish person after all.  I know that sin becomes such a tantalizing option when the waiting gets too long, or when life is too overwhelming to engage or participate in, or when people are hurtful.   

Sin is sin and it is the very reason why God sent Jesus Christ to die on the Cross, to pay the death penalty that sinning against God requires.  And because of this great act of mercy, there is always hope for sinners like me:   God's grace is the ladder that comes down into my trenches and helps me climb out of it.  And His love is what welcomes me back home with a hug and warm cup of chamomille tea. Mmm.

I know that I've lived the majority of my Christian life, trying not to sin.  But I've recently thrown that template for life out of the proverbial window because a human being simply cannot just NOT sin.  If we could just stop, then Jesus wouldn't have had to make the ultimate sacrifice.  Contrary to popular belief, becoming a Christian does not make one less human, if anything it makes one more aware of their humanity.  This is not to say that Christians shouldn't try to leave our shovels in the tool shed, if you know what I mean.  But that's what this whole Christianity thing is about, choosing to live for God and believe that He is good and that He loves me, instead of choosing to throw caution to the wind, to seek after things that last about as long as an impulse.  It's trusting that His options are better than my options, that they promote a much more healthy outlook on life.  That waking up and remembering that I have been blessed with so much is less depressing, and more productive than dwelling on how lonely I feel.  That being sober is much healthier than being drunk.  That waiting to have sex until I'm married will significantly decease the emotional turmoil and heartache in my life that would surely come, if I share such an intimate moment with other men.  That spending time reading about Him is much more enriching for my soul than wasting the day away, intentionally avoiding it. 

That life is meant to be lived intentionally seeking after and enjoying the presence of a good God, no matter our circumstance, and remembering His grace and forgiveness when we feel like our faith is small and our doubts are overpowering.

The One Where Kendra locks herself outside.

There are some days that are just more eventful/funny than others:

My roommate and good friend, Kendra feel that our lives, separately and together would make for good tv sitcom material.  Our tv sitcom would be called: Our Neighbor, Luigi--  In honor of our eccentric and endearing neighbor, who is 45 years old, lives with an asian man (no relations) and his mother, who frequently leaves the house to walk her poodle (dyed pink, of course), with her hair in rollers, and a cigarette hanging loosely on the corner of her mouth.

Anyway, this morning, Kendra had a friend come over for breakfast. And being a nice friend that she is, she decided to walk her friend out to her car, unbeknownst to her at the time that she, out of force of habit, had locked the door as she closed it.  Kendra realized her dilemma when she attempted to let herself in.  She wasn't too worried, though, because she knew that her trusty roommate, Linell, would hear the doorbell/ knocking and let her back in shortly.

And in true sitcom fashion, where timing is everything, this is about the time that I decide to take a shower.  While I was in the bathroom, I heard the distant clinging of bells,  but since I didn't realize that we had a doorbell--how I missed this, I am not sure--I thought that I was just hearing things. I had been taking a lot of aspirin lately for pain, so I thought I developed a case of tinnitus and made a mental note to quit my pill-poppin.'

So, while I was showering, Kendra decided to walk around our apartment to my bedroom window and started knocking on it, thinking that I was still on my bed sleeping.  Of course, I was in the bathroom, so I didn't hear anything.  Kendra wondered to herself how deep a sleeper I was and also asked the age old question: "Why, God, Why?"  With nothing else to do, but to wait and hope that I would answer the door at some point, Kendra decided to pull some weeds in our backyard.  She also watered the plants on the front porch and emptied water that had pooled in one of the trashcans that we keep outside.

Still unaware of what was happening outside, I was taking my sweet time in the shower room.  When I finished, I sat in the middle of my room and pondered about what to do with my day and why I was hearing bells.  I must admit that I was mildly concerned.   At this point, my good friend Julianne called me.  We were on the phone for some time, when I heard loud knocking at my window.  I froze for a moment, until I heard a familiar voice say, "Linell? Linell? Can you...let me in?"  Then all of a sudden, it was like a lightbulb turned on in my head: "OH. I wasn't hearing bells...there was someone ringing our doorbell. And it was Kendra. Wait, we have a doorbell?"

So, Kendra was finally let in and she filled me in on her eventful and productive morning.  We laughed about the incident for sometime. Kendra saying that her life is like a sitcom and I agreed that funny things do happen to her.  The best part is how she can turn a frustrating situation into something hilarious.

Then we decided to get make the most of the day by getting coffee and beignets at the Jazz Kitchen in Downtown Disney.  It was also in honor of Team Gordo, a term originating from the fact that Kendra and her cousins love to eat junk food and lots of it when they get together.  I've recently become an honorary member when I joined the family for Thanksgiving dinner this past November.

After we got back, we watched a few episodes of TLC's "Say Yes To the Dress." Kendra watched, while I mostly judged.  I think the woman who needed three wedding dresses was kinda ridiculous.

Haha, what a day. And it's not over yet.  Two new friends from Newport, Josh and Dave, have decided to pick me up and take me to Newport to hang out.  Haven't done anything quite so spontaneous in quite some time.  But it definitely makes life more interesting.

Toodles.

Ship me out tomorrow.

My head is swimming. My heart is pounding with excitement that I cannot fully express into words.  I sat down at Border's today, with Color magazine in hand--"the magazine for the rest of the world," the tagline says-- and was reminded of the vastness and the diversity and the numerous possibilities that life offers. The world is bigger than I thought it would be and I am eager to explore it, to meet and build meaningful relationships with other character's in God's story, to visit the many places He's built and created, to experience life as fully as I can...to maybe, hopefully, join forces with a male counterpart...somewhere down the line...

I want to leave the harbor--for a ship is built to explore the ocean, to carry cargo to various far off places, not to sit and rust in the "safety" of the harbor.

I'm ready.

Perfect Timing.

My roommate and I were discussing God's perfect timing yesterday. We both believed and consented to the fact that whatever happens to us, whatever circumstance we find ourselves in--whether good or bad--is all part of God's sovereignty over all things and His amazing ability to orchestrate everything for the purposes of His glory, our sanctification and the deepening of our relationship with Him.

However, I think I only say that God's timing is perfect when something good, or more specifically-- when something that makes me feel good, happens. In that context, I have no problem saying that God's timing is perfect. After all, the word "perfect" is associated with bright and shiny things. Things like getting engaged, getting married, getting a job that you've always wanted, getting money, a new relationship, having a baby, graduation...and the list goes on.

But what about everything else? Like losing a job? Break-ups? Divorce? Raw revelations of trauma and past hurts? Death? A car accident? Sickness?

Or...what about... getting pregnant at 14, out of wedlock, and the father is not the man you are betrothed to? How much more convenient it would've been for Mary to be pregnant when she was already married to Joseph. How much more "perfect" the timing would've been if that were the case.

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

I can imagine Mary wondering this as she and Joseph journeyed to Bethlehem while she was 9 months pregnant, to give birth to Jesus in a manger, a stable filled with smelly animals and hay instead of the comforts of her own home.

Perfect doesn't mean it has to feel good, but it does mean that God is accomplishing something in our lives, at this very perfect moment. Whatever comes up or feels weird this Christmas season, I hope that you go deep with God in those things in order for Him to work those things out for your good. We're meant to converse with God about our pain and our trials. It is unproductive to just blame our sin, or ourselves, or other people. No, that's too easy. I believe this is a very practical application of Romans 8:28 and also Philippians 2:12b-13: "...work out your salvation WITH fear AND trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

Loneliness

A friend told me about a woman, in her late 30's, who's never been married and travels the world as part of her photography ministry. This woman talked about dealing with loneliness as a single woman and the realities of the struggles that she faces. She made an astute observation and realized that the overwhelming power that loneliness can often have on an individual is directly related to, if not, a cause of, fear. Fear that is rooted in insecurities-- she is not loveable, not wanted, that she isn't special enough, that the negative things she perceives about herself are actually true causing her to be undesirable. There is fear in the unknown, of what the future will--or will not--bring. And there is fear that the feelings of loneliness will never go away, that she is to succumb to its grip every time it comes knocking on the door of her consciousness. But then she says that at this point, she writes the word "loneliness" on a piece of paper, straps it into the front seat of her Prius and takes it for a drive down the streets of Newport. Loneliness then looses it's firm grip. And she overcomes.

I just want to meet this woman, give her a high five and say "You go, girl!"

I found this story to be, pardon my early 90's lingo, "too legit." She is a woman who is no stranger to loneliness and she doesn't quit living her life! And I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in her late 30's, living in a context, where the ideal format for living a "good" life is being married and having 2.5 kids...

She says that she has learned to sit in loneliness, allowing herself to face the lies and insecurities that threaten to rob her of her love for life and her inner joy and peace. I admire her for this. She works things out, talks to Jesus about it, fights to see what is true about herself and what is not. Most people, including myself, cannot sit in this seemingly dark and unhappy place. We do whatever it takes to avoid it. Some people make themselves busy enough, or never allow themselves to be alone. Some people jump from relationship to relationship, never dealing with their fears and the pain and the angst that is going on inside.

I am inspired by this woman. She reminds me that the feelings of loneliness are not things to succumb to, but should be faced with courage and resolve.

Better?

"When I have really transacted business with God on the basis of His covenant, letting everything else go, there is no sense of personal achievement— no human ingredient in it at all. Instead, there is a complete overwhelming sense of being brought into union with God, and my life is transformed and radiates peace and joy." [Oswald Chambers]


Reflecting on my life feels so much more productive than studying the ins and outs of Quality Care Management in the nursing profession. Don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is important. I just feel overwhelmed with everything else that's going on in my mind. I need to vent.

The theme of my life as of late has involved trying to re-wire my mind about what it REALLY means to follow Jesus and love God. Not that I have everything figured out. Not that my ultimate goal is to "figure things out"--Hah, maybe if I tell myself this enough times, I'll actually believe it. I've left the safety that I used to find in the black and white, or the conservative Christian traditions that I spent most of my life in. The problem that I've been seeing in my own heart is how my actions--my church going and my bible reading and my christian speaking--were not rooted in a love for Christ, or God, but a love for self. Yeah, not good.

It's kind of a rude awakening. I'm still reeling from it. Still trying to find my bearings. If I could diagnose my mental state right now, I would say that I have mental vertigo because I'm not entirely sure what's up, down, right, wrong, better, worse. And yes, sometimes I feel nauseous about it all. If only I had the special ability to encapsulate these thoughts and lay them aside while I deal with nursing school, instead of everything sort of blending together and overwhelming the hell out of me.

I think to help cope, I've tried to generalize my inner angst and externalized it by blaming "the church." I honestly picture a big white building with a tall steeple and a cross on top. I've somehow villainized the church because it's been hard to admit my own shortcomings. It's easier to blame other people for your issues.

The church is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I, too, often try to convince others that my convictions are right and better, instead of letting their own thought processes and the holy spirit guide them through life. While it is true that I have felt rejection from people in the church that I had trusted so much, I have to remind myself that I have rejected many individuals as well in my own self-righteousness. I will plead ignorance, however. Ignorance of my own sinfulness rooted in my desire to want to be better than other people.

Ok, where am I going with this? Oh, right. Well, back to the title of this post. "Better." The conflict that I find in myself, because I am a complex human being, is how I categorize all of what I'm experiencing--the past and the present. There are days when I think that living in the security of the "bright and shiny," the Glory-be-to-God-if-we're-martyrs-for-His-Kingdom framework would be better than this ever growing awareness of my own spiritual bankruptcy. It's a phenomenon that I've affectionately named "Sitting In My Shit." Prior to wading in my own crap, life was happy. Well, it was happier because I was doing all the right things and was recognized for it. I felt good about myself and my holiness. I was in leadership, involved in ministry, sat on a pedestal for all to see. But that "good" feeling was fleeting. In hindsight, I felt empty. But I guess, it was better in a sense that it was relatively easier. Life's less hard when you think you're effing great.

But is sitting in my shit better? 75% of me says "YES!" This is keeping things real. Keeping things in the right perspective. Where in the bible does it say that I have to be bright and shiny? Am I supposed to rejoice in the LORD because of the circumstances of my life and my self-esteem, or am I supposed to rejoice in HIM because of who He is--regardless of my circumstances? I am a flawed human being. Lots and lots of flaws. I am getting in touch with a lot of these flaws. I can name most of them. I have specifics. It's no longer a generalized "I am broken and a sinner" schpiel. It's no longer false humility. I KNOW I am messed up. And I could potentially tell you exactly in which ways I am broken and what specific sins I struggle to overcome. A lot of things have been opened up in my life and there's no going back. It would be foolish to put bandaids on huge open sores or to ignore these wounds because infection and gangrene is a real problem, says the aspiring nurse.

Is this better? It's not the kind of better that you would put in a bottle and reproduce in massive amounts to sell to all your friends. It's not the kind of better that Joel Olsteen tries to sell in his books, that tries to "help" people be a "better" them.

With all that to say, I can't ignore that fact that I feel less empty than I used to, when I was doing all the "right" things. I feel more alive now than I ever have--angsty, maybe angry, a tad bit resentful, confused, but alive. But I don't like feeling confused. I like having all my ducks in a row!

I don't know how to end this. I don't want to just say something that I'm supposed to say or come full circle just cause that's what good writers do. While the venting did help, I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't come full circle about my life in the last 20-30 minutes that I've spent writing all of this down. I do see the good in all my wrestling, but there's still a part of me that's on the fence about it all.

What I can say, with all confidence is this: Jesus loves me. He's here with me, ever present with me on this journey. He is not condemning me or judging me. His Spirit is with me, guiding me and encouraging me, giving me peace amidst the confusion.

No Zombies

I was thinking about life, praying, reflecting on the past couple of days--
my red fleece blanket and I joining forces to combat the coldness of my apartment.
With the feeling coming back to my toes and fingers, I felt the rawness of it all...
...the stripping of the things that I used to find security in, leaving me feeling naked and vulnerable,
my newfound friendship with a lesbian couple, who welcomed me into their home and offered me tea and wonderful conversation, and how I felt Christ's presence so palpably there...
...wrestling with what it means to be a Christian and to follow God outside of the "should's" and "should nots" that our christian culture offers as the means to follow Christ "rightly..."

What does it all mean?
What does it mean for me?

I feel like I'm awakening.

I am coming alive. The person, the individual that Jesus made is waking up from her zombie-like state.

No sleep for 13.5 hours.

Overthinkers alike would probably agree that while we are reflective people, we are also kind of neuroticly negative & tirelessly critical. I almost envy the "glass half-full" individuals, who see the world through their rose-colored glasses and never think to dig deep or overturn anything that may come their way. Overthinkers may be more self-aware, but self-awareness may often slip into misery if allowed to run its course unchecked.

How nice it would be to just "be."
To not have to analyze every. single. minute. detail/emotion/day-to-day happenings.
To just be in the moment and love it. Love the people, the place, the thing that I'm in the moment with.
To don those rose-colored glasses and breathe in rainbows, and spew out glittering messages of happy-go-luckiness.

I reflect on this because the nurse that I am currently precepting with at Children's Hospital of Orange County spews nothing but hearts, rainbows and lucky stars. I spent 12 hours with her and she was a blast. Mostly because she is noticeable happy in a very genuine way. She may be blissfully ignorant, but I think she chooses to be that way. Or maybe she's not. Who knows? I just assumed that she was ignorant of life's troubles because I'm a jerk. Overthinkers, like me, are often cynical of people like her. The overanalyst in me wondered what sort of hidden pain she must be concealing from herself. Then I stopped myself. Who the hell cares? The woman is freakin' happy. Let her be happy. I realized that I could learn something from her.

I want to be a reflective, deep person. But a happy one. I guess I don't really want to be less self aware. But I guess I don't want my self-awareness to impede on the fact that I'm supposed to have joy exceeding from the depths of my soul. I don't think Jesus meant for me to be dwell on the negative. It's about time that I change that.