vulnerABILITY

I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?"  I responded by asking what he meant by that.   He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff."  I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars.  I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.

I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants.  Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like.  Often,  these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me).  I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom.  When life is tough, anything else is pure crap.  Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me:  God is predictably good. He saves and redeems.  He is not cruel and unjust.  He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.

In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality.  That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work.  I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.

I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender.  However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful.  I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option.  A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.

I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so.  I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different.  I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around.  He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him.  And I hope the same goes for me.  I mean, I think it's a double edged sword.  I know people will be judgmental either way.  It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world."  Whatever. 

I was sitting in my car, eating some chips and reflecting on my day. I do that often--minus the eating chips part.  I like to sit and debrief with myself when I get home.  I don't rush out of the car. I just like to sit.

I was thinking about the phone call I just received regarding a promising opportunity to travel.  This opportunity had come up before in October, but I let it fall through the cracks because it didn't seem like the timing was right, or there were just things surrounding the issue that didn't seem right. So I didn't pursue it.  I was surprised this company had called me again 4 months later.  I am excited. I don't know what this means or if this is a new chapter in my life beginning to unfold.  There are still some things that need to fall into place, like approval from my C.E.O and my direct supervisor to allow me to travel for a week at a time every other month or so.  I am praying, though for God's perfect will, for peace and direction for me and those involved in this decision.  And holy crap, duh, I would so want to do this!  I am young and I am thirsty for adventure.  I want to experience all that this life has to offer. I want to use all the gifts that God has given me.  I don't want to live a life that is mediocre, that settles for what's comfortable and familiar. God, send me out! I am ready.

I am blessed to have a direct supervisor who genuinely looks out for me.  She's like an older sister to me.  A bold, wise and spirit-filled Christian woman.  She has told me on different occasions that she wants to keep me close, to support me in whatever way that she can.  I am quite in disbelief about this, actually.  That someone whom I have only known for a few months has taken on the role as my strongest advocate in the place where I work.  A few weeks ago, while I was sitting in her office, she told me that she was excited for me and my future and I quote: "Your future is so bright. Girl, I have to put sunglasses on when I am around you. Amen. And I will hold this excitement for you, until you can take it from me."  I was beside myself.  I told God that I wanted to be like her when I "grow up."

With all that to say, I am glad she is on my side. I know that it's a very tangible representation of God's love and encouragement for me.  And I am not sure what I did, but like grace, her favor or God's favor is not something I can work for or deserve.  As much as I like to write and express myself, I can't really find the words to say how deeply moved and thankful I am of this.  Therefore, I know whatever decision she makes about the next step of my career is for my good and it is comforting to know that she will seek prayer about it.

Life. You never know what you're gonna get.

Procrastination.

GUHHHHHHH.

I have a buttload that's due over the next few weeks.  And what am I doing?

Cleaning my room. Doing Laundry. Organizing the CD's in my car. Watching "Tangled." 

What should I be doing?
Academic Literature Survey (due Monday)
Calling medical agencies in Bell Gardens, CA for a community project that's due in 2 weeks
applying for nursing jobs
...among other things

I hate not being motivated just as much as I hate doing homework.  I'm most definitely not someone who puts a ton of effort into homework, especially when I would rather be having fun.  I often wonder how this is going to translate into day-to-day life for me.  In my defense, when I really want to do something or really interested in something, it's not work for me.  I hate school. I hate the busy work.  I just want to be free from all this.  Bring on the real world.

Ok. I'm done venting. Off to find research articles related to the ethics behind reporductive technologies so I can write a 5 page paper on it. I'm setting a goal for myself to have it done by today.  So I can have a time to just chill on Sunday and enjoy my 6 hour break between classes on Monday.

Ready. Set. GO!

A belated Happy New Year's to you.

Proud to be, a minority: me, the token asian :)

This picture is really funny to me, not only because Sam and I are the only people actually looking at the camera (the other three were looking at Jimmy, who was drunk, who decided he wanted to take a picture, too), but because it was probably the most normal moment we had on New Year's eve.  It wasn't a bad night, per say.  But it was definitely weird.  In New Year's eve pasts, I've kept things pretty low key, but I decided to join my friends in Newport this year, because I wanted to do something different.  And to be completely honest,  I had no idea what to expect.

I guess the weirdest thing that happened to me was that I got kissed by a woman that I didn't know. Yup. After going to a couple house parties, my friends wanted me to experience this really shady bar called Pierce Street in Costa Mesa.  There was also promise of dancing and people watching, two things that enhance my life considerably.  When we got there, and after narrowly escaping a fight that broke out in the woman's bathroom (that smelled more like weed than anything else), my friends and I headed out to the dance floor.  Drunken people were abound, people of all shapes and sizes: cougars and dirty old men, women who wore too much clothing and women who wore too little, college freshmen, gangsta wanna be white men, OC housewives, guys who looked like they were Italian mobsters, standing along the sidelines, eyeing the dance floor greedily for their next prey... and the list goes on. 

The DJ was playing some pretty fun music and amidst me doing the robot and other fancy moves, I noticed a woman, probably in her late 30's walking over to me.  I am not really sure why I just stood there. I probably should've run away. But it all happened so quickly. She flung her arms around me and said, "I don't know you, but I loooooooooove you!" and kissed me briefly...on the lips. I basically ran away from her, ran from the dance floor and found Sam who was sitting by the bar.  I told him what happened and how mortified I felt.  He looked at me and said, "well, at least, somebody got kissed by a woman on New Year's."  I replied by punching him in the arm.

It's funny now, but still gross. Haha, I got kissed by a girl. And I didn't like it.

Toodles.

Crack(ed) head

The mind is such an interesting, overlooked thing, in terms of how most people don't realize, how the way we think can really affect how we live our lives. Well, I guess it's only overlooked and ignored in some, if not most, conservative Christian circles. Or conservatives in general, like the baby boomer generation. What is their deal, anyway?

Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.

This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.

I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.

Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.

haha psychoanalyze that.