vulnerABILITY

I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?"  I responded by asking what he meant by that.   He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff."  I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars.  I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.

I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants.  Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like.  Often,  these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me).  I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom.  When life is tough, anything else is pure crap.  Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me:  God is predictably good. He saves and redeems.  He is not cruel and unjust.  He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.

In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality.  That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work.  I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.

I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender.  However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful.  I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option.  A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.

I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so.  I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different.  I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around.  He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him.  And I hope the same goes for me.  I mean, I think it's a double edged sword.  I know people will be judgmental either way.  It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world."  Whatever. 

I wrote the following excerpt a year and a half ago, reflecting on Mary's unique situation--a bethrothed woman, a virgin, chosen by God to carry the Savior of the world in her womb... and the cultural/emotional hardships this might have brought up for her and Joseph...

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

Pain and disappointment have been my bosom buddies over the last few years--if you read through this blog, you will see what I mean.  Some of it was self-inflicted, but most of it are residuals from my familial history--which directly have affected some of the decisions I have made in the last year that have only left me hurt and crestfallen.

I have spent a lot of time today rationalizing, finding reasons to help me make sense of my most recent disappointment.  I've lamented about life and reached out for prayer.  I've also sought counsel and wisdom and community.  I see God's hand in things, but I also feel like I'm ready to be anywhere else but here. But I know there's no place I can really run away to, anyway, since my baggage(s) is (are) my constant companion(s).

The tension between believing in God's promises but waiting for them to come to fruition has never been easy for anyone. I often think about why God wants us to learn to wait on Him. But I've discovered that the waiting isn't meant to be rational or logical since God is not human and His ways are higher.

Frankly, its hard to sit in the fact that a year ago from today, life was painful and hard, mostly because of a very difficult family situation that had surfaced.  God made Abraham wait 90+ years before He gave Abraham the son, the heir, that He had promised, so is it obnoxious for me to think that a year later my life would be drastically different? That I wouldn't be hurting? I mean, my life is different today than it was a year ago and God has carried me through some of the hurt that 2011 had to offer, but I think I'm mostly disappointed that I am still hurting...about the same things in some ways and hurting in some new ways, too.  I do look forward for the ways that God will heal me and I know, or at least choose to believe that He will redeem the pain and turn it into something beautiful. Ergo, hope is not too elusive.

But Lord knows I'm ready to catch a break. I'm ready for something different.

He will surely come.

I've been home sick the last few days. I came home Monday afternoon from work and felt somethin' abrewin' and sure enough-- had a fever by 7pm, with my nose completely congested by the time I woke up the next morning. It's some kind of Upper Respiratory Infection that I probably picked up from working in a clinic on Skid Row. It's mostly likely a new "bug" that I picked up because I can't remember the last time I've had to stay home sick for such an extended period of time.  It was weird because I would spike a fever around the same time every night. I guess the viruses in my body decided that 5:30 in the evening was the best time to have their block party. I'm praying that this isn't the case tonight because (a) my boyfriend and my best friend are coming over for dinner and (b) I do want to eventually go back to work...

I didn't intend to blog about my illness, however.  I wanted to blog about God working amidst it all.

The interesting thing about all of this is that this week was dedicated to fasting.  The church that I've been going to for the last few Sundays implemented a church-wide fast, to pray and ask God for direction in our lives as individuals and in the lives of those in leadership at church. Since I work a fast-paced, on-the-go, nursing job at a clinic where anything can happen... I knew I couldn't completely fast from food, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was nudging me to fast from other things that I turn to or find comfort in instead of sitting with God in my discomfort. These things include, TV (including shows I watch online), movies, comfort food (like Thai food, fried chicken and Sun Chips), coffee (I'm an addict in denial), facebook and music.

I knew deep down that there have been some things that I haven't allowed myself to process since I've moved to Burbank. With a new season in life--a new job as a new nurse, a new surrounding, a new church, a new boyfriend--comes a lot of processing. And I was keeping myself busy, or inundated with external noise.  I knew that I felt kind of disconnected to myself and to God, but I wasn't really making the effort either to do anything about it.

God's timing is perfect, however, in that the week I decide to fast from external noise, I also have to stay home. Sick. No tv. No facebook. No movies. No music. Just me, my Bible and my thoughts. Oh and Jesus, of course. He is bringing up a lot of things, things that I feel would take up a whole nother blog post to explain...but in these things, I see how he wants to heal my brokenness and bind my wounds (Psalm 147:3).

Part of my frustration is that I thought I was all "fixed."  That I didn't have to worry about any of those past hurts, etc.  But I do see that God wants to fully restore me--even though it will take a lot more time than I originally planned. Haha. It's a place of vulnerability that I am hesitant and naturally unwilling to sit in. I do have hope, however, because God is predictably good. And in my life, He's only proved His faithfulness, love and power...time and time again.

Furthermore, I found great encouragement in Habakkuk this week.  I learned this week that the main theme in Habakkuk is how God uses a wicked nation (Babylon) for his divine purpose. This is of course in reference to God using Babylon to punish Assyria and Judah. And amidst this dark time, the words that God speaks to Habakkuk are the following: "...For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie.  If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.  Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by faith." (Habakkuk 2:3-4).

In that time, those who were followers of God, who were caught up in the ugliness of war and all that comes with such a horrible thing, were urged to live by faith. They had no other choice. Without faith, they would lose hope.  They didn't know what was going to happen, they had to trust that God is a good God.  The righteous must choose to remember how God has proven Himself to them, most especially during a time when things didn't make sense.

This is applicable in many ways for many people.  We all go through hardships and dark times and in those times, we must live by faith. We must live and trust God's goodness in the day to day, since we are essentially blind to what the future may hold. Even when negativity and self-pity, bitterness and discontent are constant companions, we must choose to see beyond them and think about what it means to live by faith, to trust that God is all knowing and faithful, that He is predictably good, that He loves us, that He is patient and compassionate and kind, that His plans (and His timing) are perfect.

Amen? Amen.

My encouragement today.

"The LORD will fight for you, and you only have to be silent." [Exodus 14:14]

Sometimes, life is just overwhelming.  There's only so much I can do.  I see the extent of my weakness yet again.  And I must and choose to believe that God cares and that He is working in ways that I can't even begin to imagine.

I truly believe that God is using that verse and this song to remind me that He cares about me in ways that I don't fully realize yet. 

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
my life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
He hears me when I call

The One in Which Hosea marries a Ho'...

Not to digress too much, but the post title is inspired by my current obsession with "Friends." I was never really allowed to watch it when I was younger, which was probably a good thing. Now that I'm a grown-up, I find it so funny. And laughing is like a drug that I cannot ever get enough of...

Anyway,

I've never really reflected on the book of Hosea before, mostly because I don't understand it and it makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, the whole story of Hosea and Gomer seems so sick and twisted and cruel. But I think some part of me connected to Hosea today. The notion that God often asks us to do things that we don't understand and asks us to do things that are seemingly, or blatantly, outside the status quo is kind of hitting me in the face right now. Not that I'm doing anything in particular that speaks to this. I ain't speakin' to no burning bush outside my house and I'm not about to marry a male prostitute, at least God hasn't communicated that to me....yet. But in any case, it's good to be reminded that just because things are hard/weird, or doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense and people are not necessarily jumping on your bandwagon and advising you to get off it--it doesn't mean that it's outside of God's will. A wise man, by the name of Mark Twain once said, "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

In Hosea's case, God told him to marry a prostitute, in order to demonstrate His active pursuit of the wayward and adulterous Israel and how He eventually wins them over (in their surrender) because of His unfailing and merciful love.

I asked myself, what in the hell do you suppose people around Hosea thought about this little ordeal. Hosea, being a prophet of God, finds himself a woman on the street who sells her body for sex and marries her! I can't even imagine how that would play out today! What did people, that Hosea was trying to reach, think about that? More profoundly, what was Hosea thinking/feeling through all of this? Hosea, being a mere human being, might've wondered, 'why me?' Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing this too much, but I believe that it's in the Bible for a reason and those reasons, I believe, are in part --but definitely not limited to--- the usual overstated explanations (i.e revealing God's true nature, seeing ourselves reflected in Israel's disloyalty and unfaithfulness, etc). What if we siphoned out a sense of reality from all this? Old testament characters might be ancient, but that doesn't make them less human than we are now.

As I continue to think about Hosea, I think about the realities of living a life with the intention of following Jesus. The pursuit of God, in our feeble attempts to stay true to what He is asking us to do, which SO goes against the grain of our selfish nature, will cause a lot of physical, emotional and mental tension. And this tension, this wrestling that can lead us to a degree of distress and agony--should we choose to engage the hard realities of life--is us wrestling with our own human limitations. Limitations can be our selfishness, or underlying issues that stem from our past experiences, which can often disrupt the happy, bubbly world we desire to live in.

So with all that to say, maybe Hosea's ordeal was not just for Israel to learn from. Maybe Hosea had to learn a lot about himself, too.

Whatever it is that we find ourselves wrestling with, it's good to remember that God has our backs. And that He's not allowing us to go through hard situations just for the "fun of it." He's always purposeful. And through each hard thing that we endure--fiery trials, dark nights of the soul, a season of drought, etc-- He teaches us, not just about Him, but about US and He makes us a better version of ourselves. He makes us more Jesus-like.

And that...was a lot of self-preaching.

...

when life feels shitty, or when we are reminded of how shitty it can be, this a great promise to cling on to:

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." [Ephesians 3:20]

Life Quixotic

I find that the more I have to do in a week, the more time I spend blogging, daydreaming, facebooking, or taking myself out to a nice breakfast...

I woke up this morning and decided that I needed to have a solitary breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. I didn't even try to talk myself out of it. It just felt right. Thus, I drove over to the nearest Mimi's, sat myself down in a small two person booth and allowed the stresses and the cares of the day melt along with the butter on my deliciously warm carrot raisin nut muffin. Each bite was blissfully soothing for my weary soul.

Hah, weary. It's only Tuesday!

But if we look at the big picture, this feeling of tiredness is not just because of the stresses of this week, it's from the past 8 years of my life. Graduating come end of May means more than just receiving my bachelor's degree in nursing. And I am looking forward to not being a student for awhile.

Real Love

Yesterday, I was reminded that God doesn't just want my actions, or my words, He wants my heart. He wants a true and passionate zeal for Him. He wants me to love Him, for who He is. And more importantly, He wants my love for him to be as real as He is.

I know that my love for God now is less contrived than it used to be. And I think its because I've thought about what it means for Him to love me. I've spent most of my formative Christian years thinking that it wasn't me that God loved. It was Christ in me. As "theologically-sound" as that statement may seem, I've come to believe that it's only the half truth. And if it's half-true, then it's most likely a lie--the lie being that God doesn't actually love me. And I have chosen not to wrestle with this troublesome thought because I didn't think I could. I've always been told to not go there. But yesterday, God brought my heart to a place where I wrestled with this very thought. God led me to a place where I could say, "Lord, this cannot be true. You must love me for who I am. You've made me, knitted me together in my mother's womb. You must've thought about me, when You asked Jesus to take my place on the Cross. You must love me for me. If this is not true, then what is love?"

In the grand scheme of things, in the grand scheme of God's glory, as Holy and Powerful as the God of Universe is, His transcendency and love and mercy must mean that He cares about His children as individuals. If a human mother and father can give special attention and love to each and every one of their children...if a human mother and father can take the time to assess each child's need and respond to that child's particular personality and need in order to love him or her as they are...then why not the God of the universe, whose love is clearly shown through the death of Jesus Christ, who took MY place and MY punishment so that I could have a relationship with the Father.

I have not allowed myself to sit in this for so long because Christian jargon dictates that God loves Christ in me. Somehow that doesn't seem to be all of it. How can we truly experience the true love of God in a real and profound way if we cannot allow him to love us as we are? How can we truly understand the goodness of His grace and mercy if we do not invite him into our most vulnerable places? God LOVES us. No buts, or ifs, or and's. He just LOVES us. Because He is God. He is the only being who can love imperfect sinful souls in a way that these imperfect and sinful souls want to be loved. Which is why Jesus came. This is why Jesus came. And in our realization of our need for Him, in our honest zeal and passion for who God is, we glorify Him. But we must first know His love. We must think about it in this way. We must think about how deeply personal it is.

Merely knowing theology doesn't mean our hearts are truly embracing the love of God. Scripture says that knowledge puffs us up. It's often easier to say that God is love than to actually believe it. The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men (Is 29:13). We can discuss theology until we are blue in the face, or continue to impose unrealistic expectations on fellow Christians through our overt displays of "righteousness," and it ultimately means nothing if we miss the freedom of God's redeeming love for His people.

I pray that our hearts are truly moved by the grace of God, through the realization that He loves us, for who we are and how He has formed us. We are redeemed through the understanding of his mercy and love and we seek to change, from the inside-out, because we love Him. This is what's true. This is what God has shown me is real.