Procrastination.

GUHHHHHHH.

I have a buttload that's due over the next few weeks.  And what am I doing?

Cleaning my room. Doing Laundry. Organizing the CD's in my car. Watching "Tangled." 

What should I be doing?
Academic Literature Survey (due Monday)
Calling medical agencies in Bell Gardens, CA for a community project that's due in 2 weeks
applying for nursing jobs
...among other things

I hate not being motivated just as much as I hate doing homework.  I'm most definitely not someone who puts a ton of effort into homework, especially when I would rather be having fun.  I often wonder how this is going to translate into day-to-day life for me.  In my defense, when I really want to do something or really interested in something, it's not work for me.  I hate school. I hate the busy work.  I just want to be free from all this.  Bring on the real world.

Ok. I'm done venting. Off to find research articles related to the ethics behind reporductive technologies so I can write a 5 page paper on it. I'm setting a goal for myself to have it done by today.  So I can have a time to just chill on Sunday and enjoy my 6 hour break between classes on Monday.

Ready. Set. GO!

Mondays.

nothing quite curbs that itching feeling to blog something significant than seeing that I have no comments on my previous post. is it wrong/petty to want some sort of affirmation that there are people out there who actually read my blog?

(this sudden burst of emotional tattle is an aftermath of recently consuming a tall, iced, upside-down caramel macchiato with soy. but i can't always blame caffeine for everything, but it does contribute greatly to the the "unfiltering" that happens whenever its in my system).

anyway...

today, in clinicals (a.k.a. unpaid hours spent at the local children's hospital in Orange County to practice/learn nursing skills from actual nurses), there was a little boy who had to have his entire bladder removed because he had bladder cancer. so where does the urine go, you ask? good question. they [as in the surgeons] re-sectioned his bowel to create a pouch that is then attached to his ureters (the "pipes" that come out of the kidney and carries urine to the bladder). long story short: they "made" him a new bladder out of parts he already had! obviously, this is a very loose-ended explanation of the procedure, if you're interested in reading more about it, go here: Ileal Conduit Surgery. long story short: this little boy had tubes coming out of him to drain the urine for the time being while his insides healed. I know that this scenario is traumatic for an adult and would be even more so for an 8 year old--but the little snot also had the worst attitude ever. He was very demanding and ordered his parents around like they were his personal slaves. It was kind of disheartening to watch. I guess as parents, it's hard to correct their child's disrespective behavior after he's gone through so much. And one might tag me as a "hard-ass" for saying this, but, bladder or no bladder, my child will never be allowed to call me "stupid mom" when he doesn't get his way.

to end on a funny note: i started work today at Kumon Learning Center as a learning center assistant (imagine that...). you know, it was interesting to observe the effect I had on pre-pubescent boys. the main teacher, Ms. Muse, kept having to tell them to pay attention. then she asked me to stand in the back, and grade papers. i couldn't help but feel she was sort of, shoving me out of sight. sigh. if only i had the same sort of problem with post-pubescent men.

oh well.

a boy named Shakespeare.

Shaky for short.

He is only 7 years old, the second to the youngest child of a strong Samoan family, soft spoken, with beautiful dark eyelashes and dark raven hair that reached the back of his shins.

We spent most of the day smirking at each other--me trying to make him laugh and him trying to pretend that he didn't want to. At the end of the day, he finally smiled--revealing several missing teeth and said "You're weird." I told him that I took that as a compliment.

This may sound kind of weird, but really...when I'm at Children's Hospital of Orange County for clinicals, I feel kind of like I'm....shopping for children. Don't worry, I don't have any immediate plans to take any home...but I just fall in love with all the kids that I encounter. Today was no exception. I wanted to take all my patient with me.

When I'm around kids, I just feel like I'm in my element. They are the best kind of people, i think.

Pre-Homework bloggage.

I had all sorts of lofty ideals today about getting things done. I was going to get up at 8:00 this morning, get ready and do homework/study till 4:00pm, clean the kitchen and then head over to the Paschall's to babysit Ramie, Brody and Brenner.

Thus far, all I've done today is shower, journal for an hour and half, send a mass text to people I love and appreciate telling them how much I love and appreciate them, then I played guitar for an hour and now...I'm blogging. I think I've pretty much given up on whatever schedule I had for myself. Dahr. But it's ok because I felt like I was productive in a different way. I read 1 Thessalonians this morning and was greatly encouraged by this verse in particular:

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, he will surely do it. [1 Thessalonians 5: 23-24]

YES. God wins. He always wins. He's on my side...so I win, too. I hope that's not to blasphemous to say. I am not boasting in myself, but in Christ, through whom all things are possible. I love being a part of God's chosen generation. I hope I'm not coming off annoyingly optimistic. Would it help to say that life is hard? Because it sho' is. But life IS about sanctification, if you are loved by God. Still, that doesn't take the reality of painful situations away, but it does give us hope. As it says in 1 Thessalonians 5, that is why we put on the "breastplate of faith and love"--to protect our hearts-- and for a "helmet"--to protect our minds--the hope of salvation. While God does care amidst our trials and is so intimately involved in the details of our lives, He also has something greater for us, greater than even the greatest pain we might experience in our lifetime. And to be able to sincerely find hope and comfort in God's promises takes growth and growth takes time and the process of growing is the process of sanctification. God will help us see His glory in all things, in His perfect timing. And when it does happen, it is AWESOME.

With that said, I will now completely change the subject. Yesterday was my last clinical day at the hospital this semester and I got to spend it in the operating room. Yes, I got to observe a total hysterectomy (removal of a woman's uterus and cervix) and the best part of my day was when the surgeon placed the uterus and cervix in my gloved hands. YEAH I KNOW. Crazy. I thought he was just going to show me what a uterus looked like when he called me over to his side. I did not expect him to actually...give it to me. Well, he didn't give it to me. I didn't go home with another person's uterus in a jar. The doctor just handed it to me so I can say..."Yeah, I held a uterus." I eventually passed it to the nurse, who was waiting with a container, labeled "to Pathology." But wow, what a day, eh?

I cannot wait to finish nursing school--as fun as it is. I just want to be done with school. PERIOD. I told my roommates that I am throwing THE biggest party when I graduate in 2011. I also said, "Wouldn't it be great if that party happened to be a wedding? I mean, it would be so much more cost-effective to just have ONE big party instead of...two."

Haha, not that I'm in control of my life. But, hey...I can dream.

Oh, The Irony: what makes nursing students happy.

Today I gave 50 mg of Demerol mixed with 50 mg of Visatril via Intramuscular injection in the patient's dorsal gluteal, or right upper quadrant of the buttocks. Or to put in plain words: I gave someone a shot in the butt (or her right upper butt, if you want me to be more specific). The patient was in a lot of pain and that was the medication that her doctor ordered for her. And right before I gave my patient her shot, I thought to myself: how ironic it is that I would inflict more pain on this patient when she asked for relief. Apparently, Demerol + Visatril burns all the way in. Not to mention that I used a three inch needle to give it to her. Ouch.

But I had the best day of my life today because I had the opportunity to give that shot. I know that that is a weird thing to say and No! I don't know what's wrong with me!

Nursing school can be described in many words, in many ways, objectively--as per requirements of the California Board of Nursing-- and subjectively--because it can mean different things for different people. However, today I realized that if I can describe my experiences thus far in one word, I would say: Ironic. I mean, nursing students get excited about giving shots and doing finger sticks and starting IV's and watching a live open-heart surgery. Those are the things that we get "pumped" about. Things we get giddy about, things we give each other high-fives for.

The irony is this: Nursing students are being trained to help people and help them feel better, but in our training, we inflict pain on our patients, and... enjoy it. Though, I think the enjoyment itself is not directly related to what we're doing to the patient, but the exuding joy we feel is directly affected by what it is we are actually doing. Advancement and practice in any skill we're learning is always exciting. And let's not forget the competitive aspect of learning. Sometimes, people try to outdo one another on what we get to do while we're at clinicals. For example (based on a true story):

J: "Hey, I gave three units subq [subcutaneous injection] of insulin to my patient. She was like, so not going to let me, but then she was like 'ok,' and then I gave it in her deltoid."
K: "Oh...that's cool. I gave 50 units. In the abdomen."
J: "What? 50 Units? Really?
K: "Yup."
J: "Yeah, well...I had to give 12 oral meds today. All at 9:00. It was like, crazy busy. I was so frazzeled."
K: "No way! I got to watch a CT guided Renal Biopsy and it was like, the last one ever that they're going to do in this hospital. They had to sedate the patient cause he was all combative and didn't want to be laying on his stomach. And the needle the doctor used for the biopsy was 18 inches long! "
J: "AH! Fine! you win!"

We're all good sports. And I admit we are a little overzealous over picking patients who have a lot going on, or patients who have various procedures, medications or intense psychosocial issues. But like I said, all it means is that we want more practice, more experience. I mean, you'd want us to be good, well-practiced RN's right? Yeah, one of us could be your nurse someday.

We love surgeries, too. Which is kind of scary, I guess. The other day, a classmate of mine said: "So my OR [Operating Room] rotation is tomorrow and I was praying for a CABG [coronary artery bypass graft a.k.a open heart surgery]." I added to that by saying, "Well, I'm really hoping to see a lobotomy or maybe a craniotomy."

I admit that the reality of what we're hoping for, if one were to cross examine our "requests," is not the best of scenarios. In actuality, my classmate is hoping that someone will have a really bad heart attack, caused by occlusion of major arteries; and I'm hoping that someone out there will pass out from either a brain hemorrage or a tumor or maybe have some sort of major head trauma that will require a neurosurgeon to crack his skull open to fix or prevent further damage to the brain. I mean, what are the odds that someone would openly volunteer for such delicate and risky procedures saying, "I will gladly volunteer my body and sacrifice it in the name of science and for the sake of the curiously insatiable learning appetites of overzealous nursing students everywhere!"

What a strange world we/I live in. But it is the way it is. Ironic.