Better?

"When I have really transacted business with God on the basis of His covenant, letting everything else go, there is no sense of personal achievement— no human ingredient in it at all. Instead, there is a complete overwhelming sense of being brought into union with God, and my life is transformed and radiates peace and joy." [Oswald Chambers]


Reflecting on my life feels so much more productive than studying the ins and outs of Quality Care Management in the nursing profession. Don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is important. I just feel overwhelmed with everything else that's going on in my mind. I need to vent.

The theme of my life as of late has involved trying to re-wire my mind about what it REALLY means to follow Jesus and love God. Not that I have everything figured out. Not that my ultimate goal is to "figure things out"--Hah, maybe if I tell myself this enough times, I'll actually believe it. I've left the safety that I used to find in the black and white, or the conservative Christian traditions that I spent most of my life in. The problem that I've been seeing in my own heart is how my actions--my church going and my bible reading and my christian speaking--were not rooted in a love for Christ, or God, but a love for self. Yeah, not good.

It's kind of a rude awakening. I'm still reeling from it. Still trying to find my bearings. If I could diagnose my mental state right now, I would say that I have mental vertigo because I'm not entirely sure what's up, down, right, wrong, better, worse. And yes, sometimes I feel nauseous about it all. If only I had the special ability to encapsulate these thoughts and lay them aside while I deal with nursing school, instead of everything sort of blending together and overwhelming the hell out of me.

I think to help cope, I've tried to generalize my inner angst and externalized it by blaming "the church." I honestly picture a big white building with a tall steeple and a cross on top. I've somehow villainized the church because it's been hard to admit my own shortcomings. It's easier to blame other people for your issues.

The church is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I, too, often try to convince others that my convictions are right and better, instead of letting their own thought processes and the holy spirit guide them through life. While it is true that I have felt rejection from people in the church that I had trusted so much, I have to remind myself that I have rejected many individuals as well in my own self-righteousness. I will plead ignorance, however. Ignorance of my own sinfulness rooted in my desire to want to be better than other people.

Ok, where am I going with this? Oh, right. Well, back to the title of this post. "Better." The conflict that I find in myself, because I am a complex human being, is how I categorize all of what I'm experiencing--the past and the present. There are days when I think that living in the security of the "bright and shiny," the Glory-be-to-God-if-we're-martyrs-for-His-Kingdom framework would be better than this ever growing awareness of my own spiritual bankruptcy. It's a phenomenon that I've affectionately named "Sitting In My Shit." Prior to wading in my own crap, life was happy. Well, it was happier because I was doing all the right things and was recognized for it. I felt good about myself and my holiness. I was in leadership, involved in ministry, sat on a pedestal for all to see. But that "good" feeling was fleeting. In hindsight, I felt empty. But I guess, it was better in a sense that it was relatively easier. Life's less hard when you think you're effing great.

But is sitting in my shit better? 75% of me says "YES!" This is keeping things real. Keeping things in the right perspective. Where in the bible does it say that I have to be bright and shiny? Am I supposed to rejoice in the LORD because of the circumstances of my life and my self-esteem, or am I supposed to rejoice in HIM because of who He is--regardless of my circumstances? I am a flawed human being. Lots and lots of flaws. I am getting in touch with a lot of these flaws. I can name most of them. I have specifics. It's no longer a generalized "I am broken and a sinner" schpiel. It's no longer false humility. I KNOW I am messed up. And I could potentially tell you exactly in which ways I am broken and what specific sins I struggle to overcome. A lot of things have been opened up in my life and there's no going back. It would be foolish to put bandaids on huge open sores or to ignore these wounds because infection and gangrene is a real problem, says the aspiring nurse.

Is this better? It's not the kind of better that you would put in a bottle and reproduce in massive amounts to sell to all your friends. It's not the kind of better that Joel Olsteen tries to sell in his books, that tries to "help" people be a "better" them.

With all that to say, I can't ignore that fact that I feel less empty than I used to, when I was doing all the "right" things. I feel more alive now than I ever have--angsty, maybe angry, a tad bit resentful, confused, but alive. But I don't like feeling confused. I like having all my ducks in a row!

I don't know how to end this. I don't want to just say something that I'm supposed to say or come full circle just cause that's what good writers do. While the venting did help, I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't come full circle about my life in the last 20-30 minutes that I've spent writing all of this down. I do see the good in all my wrestling, but there's still a part of me that's on the fence about it all.

What I can say, with all confidence is this: Jesus loves me. He's here with me, ever present with me on this journey. He is not condemning me or judging me. His Spirit is with me, guiding me and encouraging me, giving me peace amidst the confusion.