You think you know...

I just had quite the revelation: I have often assumed that I know what I want. In hindsight, I noticed that this was (and is) a fairly repetitive pattern in my life. I often go after the things I am so sure that I want with all the self-sufficiency and false sense of independence I could muster. Then for some time, the LORD allows me to do this. And I somehow convince myself that I am in the LORD's will and for a short-period of time, I "feel" like things are going right. However, after a certain amount of time, I start feeling exhausted, wary and disturbed. I become angry and ask God--"What? How is this happening? This is what you wanted!" And I fight. I fight to hold on to something that I worked so hard to attain for myself. My grip tightens, I clench my teeth and I try to convince God that this is what He wanted for me. And in God's grace, He causes me to "lose my grip," and He gently--but firmly--reminds me, that if it were something that He wanted for me, I wouldn't have to work so hard to keep it.

Hm.

I can say these things now because God is showing me how different it is when He gives me something that He does want for me. First of all, I did not have to do anything to attain it. And yes, I do have to trust God, but see, it's not really "work" but really more like God asking me to abide in Him and to enjoy what He has given me. Secondly, I don't have a false sense of reality--meaning I'm not working hard to try to convince myself that this is something different from what it appears to be. It simply is good. And it is clearly from the LORD--inspite of my small faith that inhibits me from trusting the LORD completely at times.

It's hard to surrender control, when I've tried to control the inflow of "good" things in my life for so long. How could I assume that I know what's best for me, when God knows me better than I know myself? And I know that this is one lesson that I am going to continue on learning...for maybe, you know, the rest of my life. And for some reason, it certainly is not easy to simply receive something good--why is that? A huge part of me says: "I don't deserve anything good!" But then I am reminded of what grace is...it's not something earned or deserved, but a gift from a loving, sovereign God...that even receiving (and accepting!) such a wonderful grace--from things like good relationships to awesome events like Christ's sacrifice on the Cross--glorifies God. Since there really is nothing we can do to earn the grace that God gives us, then wouldn't it make sense for us to simply--thankfully and humbly--take it for what it is? I mean, it's not like there's anything we can do to change it. Grace is what it is.