Duty, dooty, doodie.

I'm on duty. Which means that I sit in the RA office for three hours and do things like...blog, or play songs on the gee-tar with Grace Mears about God and how AWESOME and AMAZING He is. (Yeah, I know, I've got my work cut out for me.)

Our staff just a got new computer (a Mac, of course) and I'm enjoying the new-ness of the new keyboard and how the keys feel like little sponges underneath my finger tips. I love typing on this keyboard. It's quite therapeutic. One of those simple joys in life that is often taken for granted. And at this season in my life, I feel like I need to take advantage of things like this.

This past week has been a week of profound...revelations. That mostly means, I'm discovering more things that I need to "fix" about myself. Actually, they're "nothing new under the sun." I guess I'm just seeing my faults with an entirely new perspective. Oy vey.

In light of recent events, I have, unfortunately, seen how impatient/impulsive I can be. It's a little scary, I must admit. I liken it to...jumping from not-quite-point-A to WAY past point-B, hitting a wall (or God's hand of grace), then falling so flat on my face, that I am unable to stand up under my foolish decisions, forcing me to crawl back, while dragging my face through the dirt, to point A.

Yeah, talk about a humbling realization. It's not fun, but I know it is necessary so that I am more aware of it. Though I can't say that I'm cured of my impatient nature (drats!), but I am praying about it (lightbulb: even the process of learning to be more patient is a...process that takes patience! And a lot of it! Ah!).

And in correlation to me "jumping the gun," I also see the danger in not being present in the process of getting to point B from point A. This happens more often than not. Especially, when doing homework. Which is probably why I don't retain as much as I should. And it's probably why I'm not as diligent as I should be either. Ayayay.

I understand that the root of my impatience is in how small I'm making God to be. I say I trust Him, but often times, my actions do not reflect that. Ouch. Thank goodness that God's posture is redemption. He loves to be merciful. And ironically, it is by His mercy and grace that I am continually sanctified (i.e. made holy, to become more like His Son, Jesus.) And I'm not going to lie, or pretend that this is easy. Sanctification can be quite a painful and jolting experience. Especially when it affects, or involves, other people. Sometimes, I think sanctification is like a bulldozer for one's character flaws. It'll demolish anything and everything in it's path. It's important to get the ugly things out of the way, in order to build, newer and better buildings. And God is..building...up our character. He wants to make us better people. (Hmm..yeah, I may need to work on that analogy a little more, but I'm hoping you get my drift.)

Oh yes, but sanctification is such a good thing, despite the inner turmoil, loss of appetite and feelings of nausea (yes, I'm serious!). All of these factors make me need and depend on God all the more! And oh, how I do need Him. Instead of gazing fully at my Father's beautiful face, I had turned my head away, and was only looking at Him through the corner of my eye. I had been, in some ways, unfaithful to Him. It is important that I understand that.

How could I forget that Jesus is my treasure? That He is my true love? That sounds cheesy, but it's the truth. Maybe I need to remember what it's like to be IN love with Jesus. Not "in love" like romantic love, but something much more than that. Something less...materialistic and...more eternal.

Wow, that's a lot to say.

I need to get to bed. I'm sleepy. But I will end with this amazing hymn:

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly Friend.

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake

To guide the future, as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul; when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkened in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe they sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the LORD.

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, loves' purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past

All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last.