Ship me out tomorrow.

My head is swimming. My heart is pounding with excitement that I cannot fully express into words.  I sat down at Border's today, with Color magazine in hand--"the magazine for the rest of the world," the tagline says-- and was reminded of the vastness and the diversity and the numerous possibilities that life offers. The world is bigger than I thought it would be and I am eager to explore it, to meet and build meaningful relationships with other character's in God's story, to visit the many places He's built and created, to experience life as fully as I can...to maybe, hopefully, join forces with a male counterpart...somewhere down the line...

I want to leave the harbor--for a ship is built to explore the ocean, to carry cargo to various far off places, not to sit and rust in the "safety" of the harbor.

I'm ready.

My sentiments, exactly.

 I think I purposely didn't blog about Christmas yesterday just to fight my tendency to follow the social Christian norms, which involves writing all these spiritual things on and about December 25th.  Plus,  I wanted to go deeper about the meaning of Christmas, not just say what I would normally say...just to say it.  So I really, really thought about it--gave myself a time out, in the privacy of my own room.  As I really tried to think about the realities of what happened the night that Jesus was born, I found myself deeply moved by the fact that Jesus, the Word of God, the Person through whom all things were made and formed, came to earth as baby.  Being a nurse, I know exactly what that entails.  The birthing process is not all that magical.  It's gross. Not to mention, the fact that Mary gave birth in a stable of all places.  Talk about unsanitary.

I ask the question: why would God choose to do this?  Christ, the Savior of mankind, came to earth in such a humble way, when we all know that He is above this. Most of us came into the world in better conditions than Jesus did.  And most of our parents weren't involved in a situation that was nothing short of a scandal (unwed, betrothed, virgin girl pregnant by the...holy spirit??? what the what?!).

Jesus came into this broken world, through a less than ideal situation.  The King of Kings and LORD of Lords, was a carpenter's son, impoverished and on the bottom of the social totem pole. 

So, what?

I think I spent the last ten years of my life just focusing on my moral bankruptcies as a sinner during Christmas and my depravity which "caused" Jesus to come in this way. This did nothing for me in terms of really appreciating the significance of the occasion. I've come to realize that thinking in this way leads Christians to view God as someone who "had no other choice." That doesn't sound like a very loving God, or a God who actually cares about His creation.  I think God actually wanted to give humanity a fighting chance.

I think God wants Christians to view Christ's birth in heartfelt awe and admiration, which is hard to do when we're trying to so hard to wrestle up some sort of emotion about Christmas, but all we seem to come up with is (a) nothing significant or (b) residual guilt from focusing too much on how sinful we are & yadda yadda.

Of course, recognizing our sin and the fact that we are broken, sinful people is important.  True repentance is not possible without admitting to God, and also importantly, to ourselves, our own brokenness, shortcomings and failures.  How can we truly be moved to follow Jesus, if we don't have a truly moving reason to do so?

But to focus also on God's plan to bring Jesus into the world as He did, not just our sinfulness, is deeply moving because it demonstrates God's love and His tenderness towards us and our human condition.

It's so subtle, yet so grand. The birth of Jesus, His humble beginnings and His compassion towards the broken, the poor in spirit, the marginalized and the hurting was all part of God's plan to save us.  Not only from Hell, but from the "hell" that we experience here on Earth.  Jesus came the way that He did so that He can connect to us in our brokenness and we can find hope in Him when life, or our shit, threatens to overpower us.  What makes this so significant is that Jesus has been there.  He himself knows brokenness. He is also called the "man of many sorrows." I think this is why He connected with those who were hurting, not just physically, but socially and emotionally.

Christ's birth and His life & ministry is also particularly significant when one reflects on all the rules and particularities of being holy and following the laws in the Old Testament.  Praise God that we don't have to focus on rituals! It is this freedom in Christ that should bring us to worship Him and to live our lives for Him.  In this way, we are inherently motivated by love and awe, instead of just fear.

There is true and real comfort in thinking about the realities of how Jesus came to earth and how He lived His life.  If anything, it should be what truly motivate us to worship and adore Him.

I'm funny. "It's a strength."

Since my blog is usually a place where I dump, or unload--if you will--my deep thoughts and profound reflections, I don't think that it necessarily showcases the fact that I'm a really funny person. And you, apparently, need to know this. I don't know why I feel like I need to talk about this, but we'll just go with it...

It's been a running joke between me and my good friend, Kendra. We both like to affirm ourselves (and each other) in how funny we both are--which I think is funny, in and of itself. It may be subjectively funny... though I'd like to think that it is also objectively funny.

I'm feeling particularly funny right now. Though, the only outlet I have is facebook (and now blogger). Wow, that is sad. And I'm in Fresno (or Fres-negatory) for the holidays, which I feel, is a really boring place to live compared to living in Southern California. Yeah, that's right. La Habra is the shit. Well, comparatively. It's not La Habra, per say, that is the shit, but it's proximity to everything else...that is the shit. Disneyland from La Habra: 15 minutes. Disneyland from Fresno: 4 and a half hours. See?

I think being funny is not only a strength and a social catalyst...I think it's also a great defense mechanism. I think I become extra silly when certain life situations threaten to undermine my already loosening grip on the brighter side of life. The stress of nursing school will do this. I recall having a worm-off with a friend of mine right before taking a midterm. Yup. In the classroom. This only came up because I was intent on learning how to do the worm the night before, when I had a midterm to study for, a research paper to write and clinical hours to complete that week.

A few nights ago, when I was out with some friends from out of town, I ordered a sex on the beach, which apparently was 3 parts vodka and 2 parts juice. You know, I try...but I don't hold my liquor too well. Especially when I was halfway into the drink just a few minutes after it was set down before me (I think I was feeling particularly angsty that night). This guy named Gregg joined us and it was interesting to meet someone new under these.... terms. I was kind of buzzin, or "thoroughly relaxed." And me being "relaxed" equals me having no filter whatsoever. Not that I have much of a filter anyway, but I was saying things to him that I normally wouldn't have said to an attractive guy that I just barely met. Plus, he was there to catch up with my friend Elise. Part of me feels kind of bad for sort of just...taking over the conversation. By the end of the night, he was mostly talking to me, though I think he was mostly making fun of me. In hindsight, everybody else at the table seemed to be laughing at me, too. My friend Tim had posted some things that I said on facebook. You know it's a good night when most of what you say is deemed quote worthy by a software engineer, who usually only appreciates dry humor. Anyway, my sassy/feistyness earned me a side hug from Gregg at the end of night (score!), which was nice. Hah. It was nice to know that he thought I was funny. Or maybe he thought I was a freakin' weirdo. Doesn't matter, cause it's unlikely that I'll see him again.

So being funny. A strength. Haha, not sure where I'm going with this anymore. I just want to let you know, people who read my blog, whoever you may be, that I am a funny person.

Perfect Timing.

My roommate and I were discussing God's perfect timing yesterday. We both believed and consented to the fact that whatever happens to us, whatever circumstance we find ourselves in--whether good or bad--is all part of God's sovereignty over all things and His amazing ability to orchestrate everything for the purposes of His glory, our sanctification and the deepening of our relationship with Him.

However, I think I only say that God's timing is perfect when something good, or more specifically-- when something that makes me feel good, happens. In that context, I have no problem saying that God's timing is perfect. After all, the word "perfect" is associated with bright and shiny things. Things like getting engaged, getting married, getting a job that you've always wanted, getting money, a new relationship, having a baby, graduation...and the list goes on.

But what about everything else? Like losing a job? Break-ups? Divorce? Raw revelations of trauma and past hurts? Death? A car accident? Sickness?

Or...what about... getting pregnant at 14, out of wedlock, and the father is not the man you are betrothed to? How much more convenient it would've been for Mary to be pregnant when she was already married to Joseph. How much more "perfect" the timing would've been if that were the case.

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

I can imagine Mary wondering this as she and Joseph journeyed to Bethlehem while she was 9 months pregnant, to give birth to Jesus in a manger, a stable filled with smelly animals and hay instead of the comforts of her own home.

Perfect doesn't mean it has to feel good, but it does mean that God is accomplishing something in our lives, at this very perfect moment. Whatever comes up or feels weird this Christmas season, I hope that you go deep with God in those things in order for Him to work those things out for your good. We're meant to converse with God about our pain and our trials. It is unproductive to just blame our sin, or ourselves, or other people. No, that's too easy. I believe this is a very practical application of Romans 8:28 and also Philippians 2:12b-13: "...work out your salvation WITH fear AND trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

We gon' be ok.

you an' me
we gon be ok
no matter
what life
throws our way

whether it be
lemons,
or curve balls
or
unexpected snow falls

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through lightning
storms,
complacent norms
filing out IRS tax forms

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through weekdays,
or holidays,
or friends
that may drift
away

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through birth pains,
or side laughter pains,
social awkwardness,
or social network gains

you an' me
we gon' be ok

tension

changing perspectives, ever revolving, like shiny, glass doors in front of a department store, glimmering with promises of something new. stretched beyond the boundaries of former thought, the strain of tension hold taught to it's breaking point. eyes closed, breath held in, waiting for the sudden break in silence.

Nothing sweeter.

I woke up this morning feeling very loved. I was greeted with calm and peace. And I'm going to sit in that and cherish it.

Thanks Jesus.

Loneliness

A friend told me about a woman, in her late 30's, who's never been married and travels the world as part of her photography ministry. This woman talked about dealing with loneliness as a single woman and the realities of the struggles that she faces. She made an astute observation and realized that the overwhelming power that loneliness can often have on an individual is directly related to, if not, a cause of, fear. Fear that is rooted in insecurities-- she is not loveable, not wanted, that she isn't special enough, that the negative things she perceives about herself are actually true causing her to be undesirable. There is fear in the unknown, of what the future will--or will not--bring. And there is fear that the feelings of loneliness will never go away, that she is to succumb to its grip every time it comes knocking on the door of her consciousness. But then she says that at this point, she writes the word "loneliness" on a piece of paper, straps it into the front seat of her Prius and takes it for a drive down the streets of Newport. Loneliness then looses it's firm grip. And she overcomes.

I just want to meet this woman, give her a high five and say "You go, girl!"

I found this story to be, pardon my early 90's lingo, "too legit." She is a woman who is no stranger to loneliness and she doesn't quit living her life! And I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in her late 30's, living in a context, where the ideal format for living a "good" life is being married and having 2.5 kids...

She says that she has learned to sit in loneliness, allowing herself to face the lies and insecurities that threaten to rob her of her love for life and her inner joy and peace. I admire her for this. She works things out, talks to Jesus about it, fights to see what is true about herself and what is not. Most people, including myself, cannot sit in this seemingly dark and unhappy place. We do whatever it takes to avoid it. Some people make themselves busy enough, or never allow themselves to be alone. Some people jump from relationship to relationship, never dealing with their fears and the pain and the angst that is going on inside.

I am inspired by this woman. She reminds me that the feelings of loneliness are not things to succumb to, but should be faced with courage and resolve.

Crack(ed) head

The mind is such an interesting, overlooked thing, in terms of how most people don't realize, how the way we think can really affect how we live our lives. Well, I guess it's only overlooked and ignored in some, if not most, conservative Christian circles. Or conservatives in general, like the baby boomer generation. What is their deal, anyway?

Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.

This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.

I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.

Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.

haha psychoanalyze that.

An Ode to Clive Staples Lewis

A man who had abandoned his childhood christian faith when he was 13, only to find it again 20 years later. He is a beloved author and respected intellectual. I truly appreciate what he has contributed to literature, as a whole, and more importantly his profundity, in dissecting and operationalizing the ins and outs of what it means for him to be a follower of Jesus. He didn't grow up following traditions or set standards. He wrestled and thought through about what it means to be a Christian for the sake of following Jesus. The following is a collection of quotes that I feel reflect that:

"The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us."
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"I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity."
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"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."
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"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me."
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"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
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"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
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"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
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"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
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"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened. "
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"It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence."

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"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"

Better?

"When I have really transacted business with God on the basis of His covenant, letting everything else go, there is no sense of personal achievement— no human ingredient in it at all. Instead, there is a complete overwhelming sense of being brought into union with God, and my life is transformed and radiates peace and joy." [Oswald Chambers]


Reflecting on my life feels so much more productive than studying the ins and outs of Quality Care Management in the nursing profession. Don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is important. I just feel overwhelmed with everything else that's going on in my mind. I need to vent.

The theme of my life as of late has involved trying to re-wire my mind about what it REALLY means to follow Jesus and love God. Not that I have everything figured out. Not that my ultimate goal is to "figure things out"--Hah, maybe if I tell myself this enough times, I'll actually believe it. I've left the safety that I used to find in the black and white, or the conservative Christian traditions that I spent most of my life in. The problem that I've been seeing in my own heart is how my actions--my church going and my bible reading and my christian speaking--were not rooted in a love for Christ, or God, but a love for self. Yeah, not good.

It's kind of a rude awakening. I'm still reeling from it. Still trying to find my bearings. If I could diagnose my mental state right now, I would say that I have mental vertigo because I'm not entirely sure what's up, down, right, wrong, better, worse. And yes, sometimes I feel nauseous about it all. If only I had the special ability to encapsulate these thoughts and lay them aside while I deal with nursing school, instead of everything sort of blending together and overwhelming the hell out of me.

I think to help cope, I've tried to generalize my inner angst and externalized it by blaming "the church." I honestly picture a big white building with a tall steeple and a cross on top. I've somehow villainized the church because it's been hard to admit my own shortcomings. It's easier to blame other people for your issues.

The church is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I, too, often try to convince others that my convictions are right and better, instead of letting their own thought processes and the holy spirit guide them through life. While it is true that I have felt rejection from people in the church that I had trusted so much, I have to remind myself that I have rejected many individuals as well in my own self-righteousness. I will plead ignorance, however. Ignorance of my own sinfulness rooted in my desire to want to be better than other people.

Ok, where am I going with this? Oh, right. Well, back to the title of this post. "Better." The conflict that I find in myself, because I am a complex human being, is how I categorize all of what I'm experiencing--the past and the present. There are days when I think that living in the security of the "bright and shiny," the Glory-be-to-God-if-we're-martyrs-for-His-Kingdom framework would be better than this ever growing awareness of my own spiritual bankruptcy. It's a phenomenon that I've affectionately named "Sitting In My Shit." Prior to wading in my own crap, life was happy. Well, it was happier because I was doing all the right things and was recognized for it. I felt good about myself and my holiness. I was in leadership, involved in ministry, sat on a pedestal for all to see. But that "good" feeling was fleeting. In hindsight, I felt empty. But I guess, it was better in a sense that it was relatively easier. Life's less hard when you think you're effing great.

But is sitting in my shit better? 75% of me says "YES!" This is keeping things real. Keeping things in the right perspective. Where in the bible does it say that I have to be bright and shiny? Am I supposed to rejoice in the LORD because of the circumstances of my life and my self-esteem, or am I supposed to rejoice in HIM because of who He is--regardless of my circumstances? I am a flawed human being. Lots and lots of flaws. I am getting in touch with a lot of these flaws. I can name most of them. I have specifics. It's no longer a generalized "I am broken and a sinner" schpiel. It's no longer false humility. I KNOW I am messed up. And I could potentially tell you exactly in which ways I am broken and what specific sins I struggle to overcome. A lot of things have been opened up in my life and there's no going back. It would be foolish to put bandaids on huge open sores or to ignore these wounds because infection and gangrene is a real problem, says the aspiring nurse.

Is this better? It's not the kind of better that you would put in a bottle and reproduce in massive amounts to sell to all your friends. It's not the kind of better that Joel Olsteen tries to sell in his books, that tries to "help" people be a "better" them.

With all that to say, I can't ignore that fact that I feel less empty than I used to, when I was doing all the "right" things. I feel more alive now than I ever have--angsty, maybe angry, a tad bit resentful, confused, but alive. But I don't like feeling confused. I like having all my ducks in a row!

I don't know how to end this. I don't want to just say something that I'm supposed to say or come full circle just cause that's what good writers do. While the venting did help, I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't come full circle about my life in the last 20-30 minutes that I've spent writing all of this down. I do see the good in all my wrestling, but there's still a part of me that's on the fence about it all.

What I can say, with all confidence is this: Jesus loves me. He's here with me, ever present with me on this journey. He is not condemning me or judging me. His Spirit is with me, guiding me and encouraging me, giving me peace amidst the confusion.

No Zombies

I was thinking about life, praying, reflecting on the past couple of days--
my red fleece blanket and I joining forces to combat the coldness of my apartment.
With the feeling coming back to my toes and fingers, I felt the rawness of it all...
...the stripping of the things that I used to find security in, leaving me feeling naked and vulnerable,
my newfound friendship with a lesbian couple, who welcomed me into their home and offered me tea and wonderful conversation, and how I felt Christ's presence so palpably there...
...wrestling with what it means to be a Christian and to follow God outside of the "should's" and "should nots" that our christian culture offers as the means to follow Christ "rightly..."

What does it all mean?
What does it mean for me?

I feel like I'm awakening.

I am coming alive. The person, the individual that Jesus made is waking up from her zombie-like state.

The One in Which Hosea marries a Ho'...

Not to digress too much, but the post title is inspired by my current obsession with "Friends." I was never really allowed to watch it when I was younger, which was probably a good thing. Now that I'm a grown-up, I find it so funny. And laughing is like a drug that I cannot ever get enough of...

Anyway,

I've never really reflected on the book of Hosea before, mostly because I don't understand it and it makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, the whole story of Hosea and Gomer seems so sick and twisted and cruel. But I think some part of me connected to Hosea today. The notion that God often asks us to do things that we don't understand and asks us to do things that are seemingly, or blatantly, outside the status quo is kind of hitting me in the face right now. Not that I'm doing anything in particular that speaks to this. I ain't speakin' to no burning bush outside my house and I'm not about to marry a male prostitute, at least God hasn't communicated that to me....yet. But in any case, it's good to be reminded that just because things are hard/weird, or doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense and people are not necessarily jumping on your bandwagon and advising you to get off it--it doesn't mean that it's outside of God's will. A wise man, by the name of Mark Twain once said, "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

In Hosea's case, God told him to marry a prostitute, in order to demonstrate His active pursuit of the wayward and adulterous Israel and how He eventually wins them over (in their surrender) because of His unfailing and merciful love.

I asked myself, what in the hell do you suppose people around Hosea thought about this little ordeal. Hosea, being a prophet of God, finds himself a woman on the street who sells her body for sex and marries her! I can't even imagine how that would play out today! What did people, that Hosea was trying to reach, think about that? More profoundly, what was Hosea thinking/feeling through all of this? Hosea, being a mere human being, might've wondered, 'why me?' Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing this too much, but I believe that it's in the Bible for a reason and those reasons, I believe, are in part --but definitely not limited to--- the usual overstated explanations (i.e revealing God's true nature, seeing ourselves reflected in Israel's disloyalty and unfaithfulness, etc). What if we siphoned out a sense of reality from all this? Old testament characters might be ancient, but that doesn't make them less human than we are now.

As I continue to think about Hosea, I think about the realities of living a life with the intention of following Jesus. The pursuit of God, in our feeble attempts to stay true to what He is asking us to do, which SO goes against the grain of our selfish nature, will cause a lot of physical, emotional and mental tension. And this tension, this wrestling that can lead us to a degree of distress and agony--should we choose to engage the hard realities of life--is us wrestling with our own human limitations. Limitations can be our selfishness, or underlying issues that stem from our past experiences, which can often disrupt the happy, bubbly world we desire to live in.

So with all that to say, maybe Hosea's ordeal was not just for Israel to learn from. Maybe Hosea had to learn a lot about himself, too.

Whatever it is that we find ourselves wrestling with, it's good to remember that God has our backs. And that He's not allowing us to go through hard situations just for the "fun of it." He's always purposeful. And through each hard thing that we endure--fiery trials, dark nights of the soul, a season of drought, etc-- He teaches us, not just about Him, but about US and He makes us a better version of ourselves. He makes us more Jesus-like.

And that...was a lot of self-preaching.

No sleep for 13.5 hours.

Overthinkers alike would probably agree that while we are reflective people, we are also kind of neuroticly negative & tirelessly critical. I almost envy the "glass half-full" individuals, who see the world through their rose-colored glasses and never think to dig deep or overturn anything that may come their way. Overthinkers may be more self-aware, but self-awareness may often slip into misery if allowed to run its course unchecked.

How nice it would be to just "be."
To not have to analyze every. single. minute. detail/emotion/day-to-day happenings.
To just be in the moment and love it. Love the people, the place, the thing that I'm in the moment with.
To don those rose-colored glasses and breathe in rainbows, and spew out glittering messages of happy-go-luckiness.

I reflect on this because the nurse that I am currently precepting with at Children's Hospital of Orange County spews nothing but hearts, rainbows and lucky stars. I spent 12 hours with her and she was a blast. Mostly because she is noticeable happy in a very genuine way. She may be blissfully ignorant, but I think she chooses to be that way. Or maybe she's not. Who knows? I just assumed that she was ignorant of life's troubles because I'm a jerk. Overthinkers, like me, are often cynical of people like her. The overanalyst in me wondered what sort of hidden pain she must be concealing from herself. Then I stopped myself. Who the hell cares? The woman is freakin' happy. Let her be happy. I realized that I could learn something from her.

I want to be a reflective, deep person. But a happy one. I guess I don't really want to be less self aware. But I guess I don't want my self-awareness to impede on the fact that I'm supposed to have joy exceeding from the depths of my soul. I don't think Jesus meant for me to be dwell on the negative. It's about time that I change that.

...

when life feels shitty, or when we are reminded of how shitty it can be, this a great promise to cling on to:

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." [Ephesians 3:20]

Un-accidental.

These thoughts came to me a few moments ago, and I feel compelled to share: "Suffering meets its turning point when we are able to say, 'Lord, let Your will be done.' And it no longer becomes suffering, but a heart of surrender."

In my young life, I've discovered that lessons learned from various seasons of life often find a converging point--a focal point, if you will. And this focal point is likened to a coat rack, and every coat that I've managed to collect over the past few months can be hung upon it. I titled this post "Un-accidental," partly because of the devotional today in Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest devotional blog and partly because I came to this focal point through a series of purposeful events. Anyway, the devotional from O.C's blog says:

The circumstances of a saint’s life are ordained of God. In the life of a saint there is no such thing as chance. God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you...

I read it this morning and my mind was floored. I was drinking my homemade breakfast smoothie and my mouth dropped open, causing some of the smoothie to leak out the corner of my mouth. It was very unattractive. But I was struck with the profundity of Chamber's words and I felt that God was speaking very clearly to me. Smoothie could leak out of my nose, for all I care. In that moment, a light bulb had turned on in my brain.

It was like my life was flashing before my eyes and circumstance after circumstance were being projected onto the forefront of my mind. I am truly amazed at how God has used people, books and life events to bring me to this focal point of surrender. All the hard things that have happened were not for nothing. I knew this in my head, of course, having grown up in church, but this idea has finally dropped down the 12 inches from my head, to the very bottom of my heart.

I have been reading Surrender to Love by David Benner and the book couldn't have found its ways into my hands at a more perfect time. This is what I love about God's providence and His sovereignty. His sovereignty is not so that He can wield it to show off how powerful He is, His sovereignty is for my good, for my transformation, for my heart to grow more in love and in awe of who He is.

And I've found, that adapting this heart of surrender and being mindful of it, life seems...smoother. It definitely has its bumps in the roads and those bumps simply remind me that God's ways are better and I can trust that things will smooth out, according to His perfect will. This kind of attitude definitely causes me to have a heart constantly bowed in prayer, lest I look away from Jesus and I find myself panicking and sinking slowly into the churning abyss of anxiety, like Peter did (Matthew 14:22-33).

With all that to say, I don't mean to pat my back for all these things that I'm learning. If it were not for God's love for me causing my own love for God to grow over the years, I wouldn't be here.

We know that all things work together for good to those who love God . . . —Romans 8:28

Life Quixotic

I find that the more I have to do in a week, the more time I spend blogging, daydreaming, facebooking, or taking myself out to a nice breakfast...

I woke up this morning and decided that I needed to have a solitary breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. I didn't even try to talk myself out of it. It just felt right. Thus, I drove over to the nearest Mimi's, sat myself down in a small two person booth and allowed the stresses and the cares of the day melt along with the butter on my deliciously warm carrot raisin nut muffin. Each bite was blissfully soothing for my weary soul.

Hah, weary. It's only Tuesday!

But if we look at the big picture, this feeling of tiredness is not just because of the stresses of this week, it's from the past 8 years of my life. Graduating come end of May means more than just receiving my bachelor's degree in nursing. And I am looking forward to not being a student for awhile.

November.

I love first days of the month. They're like mini-reset buttons in life for me. I woke with a profound sense of newness, that feels as refreshing as the crisp, cool autumn morning.

Anyway, I just came back from a church retreat this weekend. Having spent the last 10 years, heavily immersed in church activities, I am no stranger to retreats. But this one was different. I think it's because the church that I've been attending for the last 8 months has been so different from any churches that I've ever been to. It's so amazingly different that I don't even like calling it a "church," because the word "church" has become a negative buzz word for so many people, including myself. Not the the "church," or the body of Christ, is in any way a bad thing, but Christians, have really botched things up, I think, in presenting the church in a good light. There have been so many people hurt, criticized, ostracized and estranged by the very thing that is supposed to represent the love of Christ to the rest of the world. And it's not only non-Christians, who have been hurt. There are a surprising amount of Christians who have been hurt by the church, too.

So, I like to call my church, a community of faithful people. Because it truly is a community of love and acceptance. Not only does Fountain of Life, loves and accepts those, that I believe other churches would not, but it is a place where God's word is preached boldly, where people are challenged to examine their hearts and encouraged to apply the message of the Gospel in practical, everyday living. I think that Fountain of Life's values are clearly articulated in these words: "Deeper in Christ. Further in mission." It is a place that I've really come to embrace the love of God and have come to grips with the fact that there is no way I can do the will of God, if I do not truly have a deep and heartfelt understanding of His love for me and for His people.

I feel so blessed to have spent the weekend with these people who treat me like I am part of their family. I have never felt so accepted for who I am, just the way I am. I am so amazed to see how God's love is truly transformational and so tangible when His people are intentional about showing it. I am excited about this church family. It's the kind of family that I would bring my lesbian/gay friends, too. I would bring cynics, atheists, agnostics, hypercalvinists, extreme fundamentalists and anyone from any other religion to this place, knowing and trusting that they would be loved and accepted as they are. It is so refreshing for me to realize that I am part of something that really seeks to reflect God's grace. And it's been so challenging for me to to really seek to trust that it is God's love and the message of Christ that transforms a person from the inside out. I am reminded constantly that He didn't require of me to have all my ducks in a row and to clean up my act before I could come to Him. No, He came to Earth. He became a human being. He died on the Cross. He came to me. He reached out to me. And thus, my outreach to others should be in the same way.

This weekend has been about Fountain of Life challenging me to live incarnationally. I realized that I have neighbors all around me that I don't even talk to, people that I can build relationships with and share the love of God with. I am so excited about this, but also kind of scared because I know it's not going to be easy, especially because I can be so selfish with my time and tend to be kind of disobedient. I trust that God will help me, through the Holy Spirit. So I'm being realistic...but still really excited!

Thus, I am looking forward to what November will bring :)

Ms. Bailey Rae

I love this woman's passion when she sings. Mm.

Beautiful things.

My grown-up Christmas list

Ok. So it's almost the end of October, which means that November will be here soon and then Christmas! Not to endorse consumerism and how it taints the"spirit of Christmas" but I'm gonna be honest and admit that I love presents. Baha. And there is nothing I want more than this:


it's a lomography camera from Urban outfitters. I'm gonna pitch the idea to my parents this year, to avoid the usual practical gifts. I think I've gotten towels, socks and vacuums for the last three years! But it's dawned on me that maybe I've never actually told them that I have this artistic/hipster side that is dying to wander around and take pictures like all the other hipster's before me:

Double-mindedness

The whole issue of "double-mindedness" has strictly been regarded as an issue of straddling the line between worldliness and godliness--trying to follow God, but holding on to thoughts, ideas, or material things that are apart from God. I think that is what James meant when he addressed this issue in James 1:8. But as of late, I've been seeing a different kind of twist to the double-mindedness problem. It's a kind of doubt, confusion and instability that is a byproduct of trying to meet other people's expectations.

I've probably have blogged about the idea that there are unrealistic expectations placed on people due to the "christian standards" that our culture has created. These standards, include, but are not limited to: how a person should dress, how a person should think, how a person should meet their future spouse, how to read the bible, how to have quiet time, how to talk in church, what books to read and what books to not read and the list goes on. I don't want to deny the practicality of having standards, but it seems that those standards, like unwanted weeds in a garden, have the potential to suck the life and liberty and joy from those who are trying to live genuinely in their faith. Furthermore, I think that these rules and regulations tend to ignore the fact that people are created to be different from one another. Trying to standardize Christianity robs us the experience of growing and striving for unity amongst us. Without diversity of thoughts and ideas, the body of Christ will become dull and lifeless.

Anyway, I can speak for myself and my own double-mindedness. It is a struggle for me to really seek out what God wants me to do, to sit and listen to the Holy Spirit and to be genuine in my decisions in life because I have spent most of my Christian life heavily submerged in rules. Most of my decision-making is tainted by thoughts of "but is this...Christian enough? or "what would so and so think about this?" I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way. And I'm at the point where I'm telling myself, "who the hell cares?" I mean, God cares. Duh. And He's the only Person that I should be answering to, or seeking answers from. Which leads to another point: living life under certain standards causes one to idolize acceptance and affirmation. It would become the sole motivation to live a certain way, if we received external praise for the things we do and say on a regular basis. Because if that's how people judge how christian someone is, then that is what they'll do to prove how christian they are. Sadly, it becomes the basis on which we judge and view ourselves. And it is not right. This is not freedom!

There is a reality to life that is so messy and brilliant and beautiful in its uncertainties, outside of the standards and rules. There is so much that cannot and should not be tamed! And in this beautiful mess, we are meant to wrestle with God and seek a raw and unhindered, un-apprehensive relationship with Him, to experience the fullness of grace and mercy radically and to feel His love even more radically. I feel as though I'm emerging from the darkness of my past bondage and seeing life in a different way. But, there are these flickering images of my past that tempt to take away my freedom in Christ and tempts me to live the way I used to--in fear of rejection, and fear of disappointing people. I see a lot of my friends in this sort of bondage, too, or at least they are trying to break free from it, but it's causing a lot of this double-mindedness.

Not really sure on what note to end on. I feel like that was a lot to say. I do see hope and trust that God is working in all of this. And I'm thankful that His peace overcomes whatever anxieties my double-mindedness turns up.

His burden is light.

This is one of my favorite Sufjan Stevens song. Probably my absolute favorite. It really calms my soul and reminds me of the profound joy and peace there is with Jesus.

Vito's Ordination Song:

Real Love

Yesterday, I was reminded that God doesn't just want my actions, or my words, He wants my heart. He wants a true and passionate zeal for Him. He wants me to love Him, for who He is. And more importantly, He wants my love for him to be as real as He is.

I know that my love for God now is less contrived than it used to be. And I think its because I've thought about what it means for Him to love me. I've spent most of my formative Christian years thinking that it wasn't me that God loved. It was Christ in me. As "theologically-sound" as that statement may seem, I've come to believe that it's only the half truth. And if it's half-true, then it's most likely a lie--the lie being that God doesn't actually love me. And I have chosen not to wrestle with this troublesome thought because I didn't think I could. I've always been told to not go there. But yesterday, God brought my heart to a place where I wrestled with this very thought. God led me to a place where I could say, "Lord, this cannot be true. You must love me for who I am. You've made me, knitted me together in my mother's womb. You must've thought about me, when You asked Jesus to take my place on the Cross. You must love me for me. If this is not true, then what is love?"

In the grand scheme of things, in the grand scheme of God's glory, as Holy and Powerful as the God of Universe is, His transcendency and love and mercy must mean that He cares about His children as individuals. If a human mother and father can give special attention and love to each and every one of their children...if a human mother and father can take the time to assess each child's need and respond to that child's particular personality and need in order to love him or her as they are...then why not the God of the universe, whose love is clearly shown through the death of Jesus Christ, who took MY place and MY punishment so that I could have a relationship with the Father.

I have not allowed myself to sit in this for so long because Christian jargon dictates that God loves Christ in me. Somehow that doesn't seem to be all of it. How can we truly experience the true love of God in a real and profound way if we cannot allow him to love us as we are? How can we truly understand the goodness of His grace and mercy if we do not invite him into our most vulnerable places? God LOVES us. No buts, or ifs, or and's. He just LOVES us. Because He is God. He is the only being who can love imperfect sinful souls in a way that these imperfect and sinful souls want to be loved. Which is why Jesus came. This is why Jesus came. And in our realization of our need for Him, in our honest zeal and passion for who God is, we glorify Him. But we must first know His love. We must think about it in this way. We must think about how deeply personal it is.

Merely knowing theology doesn't mean our hearts are truly embracing the love of God. Scripture says that knowledge puffs us up. It's often easier to say that God is love than to actually believe it. The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men (Is 29:13). We can discuss theology until we are blue in the face, or continue to impose unrealistic expectations on fellow Christians through our overt displays of "righteousness," and it ultimately means nothing if we miss the freedom of God's redeeming love for His people.

I pray that our hearts are truly moved by the grace of God, through the realization that He loves us, for who we are and how He has formed us. We are redeemed through the understanding of his mercy and love and we seek to change, from the inside-out, because we love Him. This is what's true. This is what God has shown me is real.

Um. Hi?

I drank coffee at 11:00 pm because I thought I was going to have to pull an all-nighter--it's one of those crazy weekends where a billion things happen to be due on Monday--but my group and I finished earlier than expected (we were writing a literature review for our chosen research topic. Not that we actually what we were doing, but we tried our best). So anyway, I am wired. Wiiiiiiirrrreeed.

I haven't written anything on this blog since May 31st. That kind of astounds me, actually. I was such an avid blogger. What the hell happened?

Maybe facebook happened. Then again, I still blogged pretty religiously even when I had a facebook, before I went on my 3 month hiatus. So, I guess, I don't really know. But here I am now and I don't have anything to say in particular. Well, that's a lie. There's lots of things I want to talk about, but I'm kind of sensing that they'll come off like I'm bitter, or something.

Heaven forbid that I'm ever bitter. Pssh.

Actually, I'm not bitter at all. I've been reflecting more recently about my life and how I much I love it. Genuinely, love it. It feels bright and vivid. Messy and tangled. Tangible. Real. Less complicated in some ways, but more difficult others. I feel more loved now, by God and by people than I ever have. I am more accepting of my faults and shortcomings than I ever have been, knowing that accepting those things is the precipice upon which the freefall of change finds its jumping off point.

I am really thankful.

the Abyss

tainted veins,
of purple and blue
colliding together,
a distinguishing hue.

a blindspot.

too dark to tell where it
starts or where it ends.
cold and damp
set apart from the
beckoning warmth
of a Father's love,
twisted in lies,
tortured by deception,
the love-child of a wayward,
imagination--
the Abyss.

it's a well crafted illusion,
by the one who wages destruction,
whose wrath rages against
the ones who pray,

they become his prey.

blissfully ignorant sheep,
struck blind by the void left
by immortality and shame.

the truth of everlasting love,
pushed far into peripheral sight,
tricks the heart and poisons the mind,
to only see the Abyss, to become lost
in the blackhole created by the one
who seeks to devastate humanity.

the Abyss,
a figment of one's imagination,
a dark place that exists in limbo,
is conquered by the truth
that

it

isn't

really

there.

foggy brain.

yesterday's hair, irish cream and my paint-it-yourself mug and a poem:

foggy brain,
foggy brain,

makes everything like static.

caffeine is the only recommended cure.
also, the hope of summer, that draws nigh

with every exasperated sigh,
as i study
for my
last final
of the
year.

goodbye.

Jasper.

the original video:

Jasper by Aidan Knight from Aidan Knight on Vimeo.

our version:

Εμπιστοσύνη

"Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right."

read.

For reminiscing, among other things...

original song by Linell Catalan (2006) and major kudos to a dear friend, Elise Berg, who helped me pen the lyrics.



I had long hair!!! I wrote this song last easter (April 2009). Both of these songs were byproducts of seasons of trial in my life. I've discovered that meaningful songs tend to flow out more naturally when I really need something real and less confusing to cling to.

Blessings y'all.

Long Beach and idioms.

Once upon a time, Long Beach and I were like ambivalent lovers, with more animosity between us than either of us realized. But slowly, Long Beach has wooed me (thanks in part to the new church that I started attending in February) and caused me to see its beauty amidst the graffiti, the ghetto, the railroad tracks and stark white, graffitied industrial buildings in the ghetto. So here I am, sitting in a Starbucks on the corner of Atlantic and San Antonio Drive, blogging about this new found reconciliation. I mean, I also plan on doing homework, too. But first things first.

Also, I'd like to mention the strange fellow sitting in one of the leather comfy chairs a few feet from me. I found myself a small round table in a corner and as I sit here and type, I can't help but notice the jutting movements of this strange fellow's head as he attempts to inconspicuously sneak looks in my direction. And I realized that I may sound a little conceited. I'm not. Though I do like to point out the obvious. It's kind of ridiculous. Part of me wants to go over there to tell him to cut it out. "Excuse me, can you please stop being creepy? Its making me uncomfortable."

On a completely different note: If you didn't know this about me, I have a hard time keeping my idioms straight. I'm not sure why this is the case, but part of me wants to blame my filipino heritage and growing up with parents, who also, in their best efforts, cannot say American idioms right. For example, when my mother, bless her precious little heart, was pseudo-lecturing me about skirting certain issues regarding friendships, etc, she told me to "stop beating the bushes."

Oh dear.

Anyway, today, I realized that I had forgotten to do an assignment that was due today and when I realized this, I decided to talk to my professor to (a) beg for forgivness and (b) see if I can turn it in later. As I was explaining to her that it had completely slipped my mind because of my ever growing list of things to do as I try to balance work, school and life, I said "Sorry Professor Dixon, but I feel like a chicken running around without my head on!"

For the life of me, I still can't really remember how to say that particular idiom. I'm sure someone out there will help me out.

Happy Tuesday!

God in(and) me(you).

“In this [salvation] you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7

The more I think about my life these past 5 years, the more I'm convinced that the length of time spent in journaling, serving in various churches/ministries or reading/memorizing the bible is not comparable to the the quality of my relationship with God. I am learning that before everything else, my personal relationship with God should matter the most. What good is all the things that I do, if I don't trust that God actually cares about me, that He delights in me, that His love for me is not contingent about things I do or don't do (See Psalm 103)? Not that that sort of trust will always be perfect, because it probably never will, but there needs to be an undercurrent of willingness to think on these things, if not all of the time, then most of the time. The drive to love others, to serve others, comes from this undercurrent of trust. To love and to serve is to draw from an inward love that cannot help but spread to those in proximity.

If I have to tell it myself over and over again, then I will. My heart knows it is true, but my head tends to rebel against truth time and time again. My brain knows that it's a vulnerable, delightful and unnerving thing to express myself freely before God. To know that whatever I need to say, I can say it to Him. To be aware of the flaws that I have hidden, even from myself, and trusting that in Christ, God has forgiven me of all sins, past, present and future (See Psalm 139). I must remind myself that God welcomes me into His presence with open arms. That His unconditional love is unique to His divine character and only He has the capacity to love me perfectly.

It's a daunting, unimaginable thing to consider--God has the capacity to have a deep, loving relationship with anyone and everyone who seeks after Him, those whose hearts yearn for something much deeper than human beings, or anything else, in this world can offer. That is what a relationship with Christ has to offer--it's not merely "fire insurance" that saves people from Hell, but it is a constant reminder that we are not alone in this world. In the moments when we feel unworthy, ugly, lonely or depressed, those who know Christ can know a deep love and forgiveness that has no limits. Those who know Christ can know that there is justice and hope for the oppressed. Those who know Christ can know that there is redemption and freedom from darkness.

Imagination

by B. Dillon:

I need to be reminded
of who I was
when I took the first steps out the door.
All I've said
now follows me around
I'm reminded...
I'm not like that anymore.

I uprooted...
and miles behind me are the
faces of
who
I left.

You've brought to my attention--
I've slowly changed. Becoming
who I wanted
to
stop.

But isn't that like, a finite mind,
setting out, with such righteous indignation?
Now, I'm at your feet, could you look at me with some
imagination.

A bush before me.
I slipped my sandals off...
I've only stopped, to look.

In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great sound.
I run, I run...
to You.

Oh, isn't it just like, a finite mind,
setting out, with such righteous
indignation?
Now I'm at your feet, could you look
at me
with some imagination?

Remind me...
why you woke me up
and why you wake me up every
morning.

The staff in my hands,
held in by your love...
just stay close,

stay close.

Cause I know, I know my own mind--
why I set out with righteous indignation.
When I'm at your feet, please...
Please...
look at me

[with some imagination.]

Guaranteed to make you smile.

22

if words could be put in more than graceful arrangements
and if feelings could be aligned in disarraignment
if things were to make sense between absurdity and doubt
there would be less things in life to figure out

if the mind could find ways to implode
so as not to reveal all that needs to be told--
epiphones become daily euphamisms
of a life seemingly lived in dualism

if ambiguity was an art, she’d be the master
she would muster up questions that remain unanswered
abstract thinking would become the norm

for if home is where the heart is,


maybe she isn’t quite home.

Heart to head (and vice-versa).

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." [James 1: 2-4]

I remember mulling over this verse and giving this verse to others with the intention to encourage them without really understanding for myself what it means. In fact, I know I've said things like "joy will come from trials," or maybe telling others that trials are a "good thing" without believing it at all. But now, the older and more mature version of myself says: what human being is truly, instinctively, thankful when life decides to give out under them and they fall flat on their face?

God only knows.

And by the way, I don't think God is surprised when our hearts, or what we truly believe is disconnected to what we say or do (though we may very well surprise ourselves). In Hosea 6, God rebukes Israel and Judah, "What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? Your love is like a morning cloud, like the dew that goes early away." God could see deep into their hearts, and He knew that their love was fleeting, it was not that they were unfaithful to Him, but they had forsaken the knowledge of God and truth. And God tells him what He wants from them in verse 6, "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings." God wants his people to have the right hearts, ones that hold an affectionate knowledge of God, which fills the mind with reverence of his majesty, fear of his goodness, love of his holiness, trust in his promise, and submission to his will.

The amazing thing is that God's grace is unimaginably abundant and endless. In His mercy, He doesn't allow those who He loves to remain in a perpetual disconnect. And God does use trials, because trials provide a perfect medium for growth and has a way of nurturing the seeds of spiritual knowledge that have been sown by time spent reading scripture, or sitting under sound teaching. I imagine a "Jack and the Magic bean stalk" scenario: the magic beans of Christian faith and understanding, that have been planted in our hearts, grows and grows and grows amidst the strife and chaos of life until it reaches it's ultimate destination: our head. Not sure how the giant and the golden goose fits in to my analogy, so we're going to pretend like they're not part of the story...

Some personal application (and please know that I say the following things with tentative eagerness): This morning I realized that James 1:2-4 is no longer a strange and unwelcome enigma in my psyche. I no longer fear trials (or resent them) but welcome them as a necessary medium for my personal growth. I believe that I have entered into a season of deep, deep joy and satisfaction in who God is (I think I journal-ed about how I've come to this place a few weeks ago.) I am grateful to report that I am still inexplicably and deeply, happy. I do feel complete and lacking in nothing, amidst discomfort, stress and not-so ideal situations. More importantly, I would like to say this: I used to think, that in able to feel complete and be lacking in nothing, that I needed to be in a relationship or be married and/or that I need to be finished with school and have a steady income. It's amazing to me how I could say that I didn't need those things, even though my heart begged to differ.

The LORD has done amazing things in my life. I hope that this encourages you, dear reader. And I hope and pray that God continues to lead you into a deeper, fuller and less confusing knowledge of Him and His love for you.

I have a dream...

I sit here, buried under a mountain of projects, presentations (one 2o minute one on Wednesday and a 2 hour one on Tuesday morning), a test in OB/GYN and a court date (long story short: didn't [know that i was supposed to] appear for my court hearing for the ticket i got in december--for talking on my cellphone while driving--and now i have to go to court on wednesday to talk to traffic judge and tell him/her that i shouldn't have to pay $800 for ditching court, since i had no idea).

anyway.

Needless to say, I'm a wee bit stressed out. But, the more pressure I feel, the more likely I am to daydream of summer and it's semi-endless possibilities.

Things I'm thinking/daydreaming about:
- my church (www.folcov.org) has an inner city outreach that involves tutoring children from k-12. they announced it at church this morning and my heart skipped a beat...with excitement! i love the inner city and would love to serve those kids within the context of the church.
- being more involved with church stuff, in general. i have warm and fuzzies about that place.
- making more cards for my etsy store. still trying to come up with a name for my store, if you have any ideas...make sure to throw them out there.
- being a bridesmaid for Emily Deaver's wedding. so excited!
- a certain photography project that is in the works...
- Corona Del Mar & early mornings at Inspiration Point
- getting my nose pierced (again)
- saving up for a Disneyland pass so I can have one for my (potentially) last year in SoCal.
- camping and hiking
- visiting friends in various places
- concerts & shows at Hotel Cafe in Hollywood
- Roscoe's chicken and waffles (late night hang-out diner complete with SOULfood)

mmmm. summer. so close.

Phoenix.

I forgive you.
The words escape her mouth, like wisps of smoke set free from the burning embers of a cigarette.

She suddenly panics at the impending sense of loneliness. Those words had become her constant companion. She frantically runs after the wayward words in a futile attempt to recapture them and hold them neatly inside her.

No, they're too far from my reach.
She slumps down on the cold linoleum floor. She had held on to the thought for a long time, the thought of forgiveness, the ideals of reconciliation. She had nourished them insider her, as a mother nourishes a growing fetus. Now, she had let them go. Doubt lays hold of her, in her exhausted state.

She wonders if she's ready. She wonders if they're ready.

The growing realization of the journey ahead looms ominously above her and surrounds her, like flies drawn to ripening fruit. She tries to swat them away. I can't. I can't do it. What if I die?

But the conflict of desire and comfort and self-denial for the purpose of love and obedience is an ever-persevering Mentor. She knows, as history has foretold and from the stories of old, that in the asphyxiation of her own pride, a new self emerges. One stronger than the last. One who knows love. One who knows forgiveness.

shoulder bouncing...

you'll know what I mean:

Can't think of a title. pfft.

Recently, my nightly showers have become the wellspring of profound reflection. It seems that the enclosed space of plastic, glass and linoleum is not just for singing ADELE songs about pavements and what it means to chase them.

I was thinking about all the homework I had to do this weekend and noticed that the needle on my internal panic meter was rising steadily. It's not the workload that I'm concerned about--it's the actual product and the grade that I will be getting after I turn it in. And more importantly, how those grades--after careful, yet unnecessary comparison with fellow classmates--can often make me feel like crap. B's are not something I feel particularly great about, but I seem to get them a lot in nursing school. While most people felt happy and accomplished with a B average, from elementary to high school I was trained to see them as nothing short of failure. And somewhere, deep inside me, is the drive to be that amazing A student, but fear of misplaced and misguided pride kills whatever sort of effort I want to make in "doing my best." However, I'm not exactly excited about "settling." But then maybe, I'm not "settling," and maybe I'm not that A student that me, or my parents, once thought I was. After all, I was that student mostly in elementary school, but it was because my parents really wanted me to be that way. They wanted me to be successful and I wanted to please my parents (and be better than people.)

I'm realizing more and more that success is not or should not be what defines my worth, nor should it become a platform that I use to elevate my self and my merits. And I'm also realizing that I'm not "that" student, because I'm not so meticulous about school-type things. I mean without the constant nagging or the impending doom I felt as a younger child if I did not perform as expected, there is not much motivating me today-- except for my own whim (Hah, imagine that). I see that I am driven to be at my best in other, "not-school," related things. Things like cooking, playing guitar, making cards, sewing, baby sitting/relating with children, singing, writing songs, poetry, various art projects, having good bedside manner, loving people, creating outfits, growing emotionally and spiritually, striving for peace in relationships, learning how to be a good parent (someday) and making my bed.

I guess the conclusion that I've come up with--for now, at least-- is that I should try my best in anything that I do and put in the effort (ugggghhhh), but I can't be good at everything! And while success can be defined by grades, or how well I dress or sing, it definitely should not affect my inherent value and worth.

In any case, at least I can always count on my blood type being A+.

Free (sigh) at last.

Between bites of milk chocolate raisins, I reflect on the beauty of the day. In a literal sense, the day is profoundly breath-taking: the cool breeze, the gentle beaming of the sun & the clarity of the blues and neat demarcation of cumulus nimbuses (nimbi?) in the Southern California sky is a rare, yet exalted event. I mean, I guess there are plenty of sunny days here, but how often are those sunny days apart from the oppressive southern California smog? I feel that the world around me is singing hallelujah, we're free at last. Or at least, free for the moment.

Today is also beautiful because I am celebrating a newly discovered sincerity regarding the beauty of God's love and acceptance of me. Well, I've been "celebrating" since Easter, but it was more like a "trial celebration." I think I was making sure that all the joy and freedom that I've been feeling wasn't some fluke. Thankfully, it's not and it is one of those defining moments that will/have change(d) me significantly. God didn't wave a magic wand to fix my life. In fact, nothing has changed much about my situation, except for the fact that I actually trust Him. It sounds so simple, but I went through Hell to figure that out. And I am so thankful that God wanted me to get it. I feel like I just woke up from a zombie-like indifference to the fact that I was allowing bitterness and anger to [continually] poke and prod me towards the precipice of self-pity and depression.

If you were to ask me to describe how I'm feeling, as stupid and lame as this may sound (and for the sake of avoiding Christianese) I feel like I have rainbows and shooting stars coming out of my chest. I am just so...happy. Like, Rainbow Brite happy. This baffles me, mostly because I know that the next couple of weeks are going to be really stressful, in terms of how much work I have to do for school. And I am facing huge financial difficulties, not just for me, but for my family. And to top it all off, I have to deal with a very real, and profoundly annoying, desire for marriage that has yet to be met.

I think I truly see, with the eyes of my heart, what the good news of the Gospel is (remind me later when I forget and hopefully I won't). Jesus died to set me free, not just from the wrath of God and the punishment of my sins, but from losing myself in despair. Jesus has given me a reason to fully trust God and to know I can have hope. Life is unambiguously hard, and even worse when I don't trust that God actually does care about me and my desires, or about how I feel about life. It's unbearable when I cannot accept His unconditional love. It's impossible when I cannot allow myself to rest in His grace. In short: God does care. His love for me is explicitly demonstrated through Christ's sacrifice. And the best part is that He will change me for the better, as I learn to trust Him.

To think, I was fighting to be happy on my own terms, when all I had to do was let go. This further solidifies my theory that God is indefinitely "backwards."

joy.

buried deeply
within the strongholds of His delight,
an ever present fixture,
my soul's stalagmite.
despair's trumpets call to woo the light,
inflaming faith's beacon,
even in the darkest of night.

a sigh of relief,
breathes life to cold bones,
filling their lungs to silence
their dark and dreary groans.
a prodigal stranger misplaced from his home,
once lost and misguided,
is no longer alone.

Overfloweth.

I just spent the last couple of hours at the new Micu homestead--the Micu's, a family of 9, with baby number 8 on the way, had just recently found a place out in the country. I went over to check out their abode. It is every adventurous child's dream: barn (complete with clubhouse), pool, a garden, tire swing and big tree, geese, lake, paddleboat and an island. I was beside myself. It was so excitingly beautiful that when I saw Paul and Amy, I excitedly exclaimed to them, "I could get married here!"

It was the first thought in my mind and I didn't even get a chance to reason with myself as to why I shouldn't say that outloud. There were also other young men present and they looked at me and laughed. Paul laughed, too.

I mean, I meant what I said, but I felt strangely awkward because (a) I'm jumping the gun--the possibility of me even dating someone anytime soon seems to be lightyears away and (b) who says that? Other people probably would say, "Oh, what a beautiful home you have."

My voice inflection suggested that I was speaking like I was constipated or something. It was like, I wanted to say it, but my body and my heart, so often not in sync, had some weird chemical reaction that tried to create a filter to hold me back from saying what I said. But, didn't really work. Then I felt like a popped balloon. Or better yet, maybe a deflated lifeboat and much like the Titanic, I was sinking fast into the awkward abyss, so I grabbed the closest thing in front of me to try to keep myself afloat: Sarah Micu. I just...grabbed her, bear hugged her skinny little frame. And the poor girl, startled, started screaming "GET OFF ME!" I tried to save face by saying that I just wanted to hug her, to which she replied, in the way only 12 year olds can say it, "You're so weird."

I know, Sarah, I know.

An excerpt from The Great Divorce

I'm currently reading C.S Lewis' The Great Divorce, which is an allegorical novel about one man's experience of Heaven and Hell. The main character, who has not yet been named (I'm only about halfway), boards a bus and meets a plethora of supernatural beings and finds himself in a beautiful forest (a place like Narnia perhaps--minus the talking wildlife). Here he learns that there are significant consequences for living life apart from knowing Christ. He realizes this through encounters with other spiritual beings, who seem to be abounding in peace and joy, whilst he and his other bus-mates, find themselves struggling to enjoy the scenery due to the local plant life wreaking havoc on their ghost-like bodies. The following excerpt I found particularly profound. The main character is eavesdropping on a White Spirit trying to tell another ghost, one who calls himself a skeptic of the resurrection of Christ, that it has come to a point for the skeptic to either give up his endless search for truth (for he confidently suggests that there is no end to his thirst for knowledge), or choose to live the futility of his quest in Hell:

"Listen!" said the White Spirit. "Once you were a child. Once you knew what inquiry was for. There was a time when you asked questions because you wanted answers, and were glad when you had found them. Become that child again: even now."

"Ah, but when I became a man I put away childish things."

"You have gone far wrong. Thirst was made for water; inquiry for truth. What you now call the free play of inquiry has neither more nor less to do with the ends for which intelligence was given you than masturbation has to do with marriage."

Twilight.

where does love go,
when it leaves for the moment?
leaving behind two bodies
aching with torment.

where does hope hide,
when love seems to disappear?
slowly becoming elusive,
to those who draw near.

where do dreams fly,
as expectations mold into misery?
like the sun fading into twilight--
love becomes a distant memory.

Margins.

Jesus's life and ministry, while He physically walked on the Earth, was to reach out to the poor, the marginalized and those who were considered the "litter" of society. He dined with prostitutes, He reclined with tax collectors and He loved the lame, the blind and the lepers. He reestablished and affirmed the worth of a woman in the midst of an oppressive and chauvinistic society. His message of salvation was meant to uproot and overthrow the stronghold of those who considered themselves religious; who saw themselves as holy and righteous persons due to their self-proclaimed social status and by virtue of association with a race of people descended from the likes of Moses and King David. Jesus came for the Gentiles, who were considered to be hopeless filth, unworthy of the graces of Yahweh, to bring these outsiders hope and restoration. Jesus came so that all may have a relationship with God, in a very deep, personal way.

I write about these things, not to romanticize certain notions about reaching out to the marginalized or idealize unconditional love. I write these thoughts due to an ever shifting paradigm in my mind regarding the truth about Jesus and how He wants me to impact the world around me. I have been thinking a lot lately about how all of this affects my relationships with people, or sinners just like me, or how I've seen other people treat others who may have fallen short of the "Christian standard." And really, it's no wonder that people hate Christians. I know Jesus said that people will hate us because we choose to live according to another standard, but I'm not sure that the way people hate Christians now, is what Jesus meant. People hate Christians now because we're fickle little hypocrites who are so quick to point out other people's faults without first realizing the gravity of our own. We are also quick to marginalize "sinners," quick to kick people out of our homes and our churches for messing up. In this way, I think that the Christian faith, at least in the United States, parallels the religious arrogance of the Pharisees. Ick.

Christians are so good about following a formula when it comes to confronting someone--they confront a person by speaking truth, person fails to change, person is kind of ex-communicated from community, Christian feels like they did the right thing and move on with their lives, and the other person is either devastated or turns against the church and more hate proliferates. Clearly, this is not quite right. It doesn't reflect the love and grace of Jesus. It does not give the impression of being the salt and light of the earth. It seems sad and kind of...hopeless.

The thing about speaking the truth is that it's meant to be in love and out of the same sort of grace that God has shown us through the Cross of Christ. The problem with most people who want to speak the truth, is that it is rarely done in love and most likely, things are said out of discomfort. Discomfort with the situation at hand, or not wanting to deal with someone else's sinfulness, makes it easier to give ultimatums, I think. And I think its so sad. I've been guilty of it. I used to give ultimatums about certain things, but that was because I thought I was awesome. No, really. I actually thought I was more "right" and less of a sinner than the person I was confronting.

Granted, there are times when there really is nothing anyone can do for someone who is unrepentant, who shows no remorse or no care for how he or she is hurting anyone around them. Should they be removed from their immediate community, displaced and left to fend for themselves? I don't know, probably not. I know we're not meant to coddle people. We're not meant to condone sin and be comfortable with the tragic and evil things that do happen. But should we give up on people, I don't think so. And yes, it's all easier said than done. But when I think about Jesus, or how Jesus would want me to treat other people, it all makes sense. It's not easy, but following Christ never is. And choosing to love someone in such a way that it mirrors the grace of God is terribly exhausting and extremely uncomfortable.

But I think that's what I'm supposed to do. I don't understand all of the "how's" yet. But I know I'm supposed to love people in a way that points them to the amazing love of God.

Jesus loves the normal people.

This is, like, an unending point of discussion between me, my counselor/therapist, Jesus, and anyone within earshot when my mind boils over with the audacity of it all. I've probably blogged about this subject a million times: I would really love to break out of this mentality that only the super-spiritual ones get all of God's love (or is at least the ones who seem to be serving God the best in their obedience)...you know, the one's who read their bible twice a day and carry it around like it's their spiritual security blanket, or the one's who lead worship or are involved in ministry or church in umpteenth-billion ways, or the missionary woman who's admired so much for her celibate lifestyle and how she reaches out to Muslims in areas of the world that are considered "unsafe."

I honestly believe that 90% of Christians still don't understand, nor truly view God as an unconditional and loving God. 90% of Christians still have a hard time just...letting go of their lives and fully accepting their sinfulness and quirky personalities. I think their "buts" get in the way: "but God is Holy and perfect and He expects His people to live according to His standards," "but we're supposed to be set apart," "but shall we sin so that grace may abound," or "but we don't deserve anything good." and etc. While it's all true, I think people forget that they cannot change the true nature of who they are from the outside-in, that in order to truly be holy and set apart, we must allow God to change us from the inside-out. And while we don't deserve anything good, grace has nothing to do with what we do or didn't do. Dwelling on what we don't deserve certainly has a propensity to propel us to living life conditionally because of feelings of guilt, or maybe false humility (or pride) that won't allow ourselves to accept something that has nothing to do with our merit(s). And if we have to be neurotic about continually checking ourselves to make sure our motives are always right, or whether we're sinning or not... then that's just an exhausting way to live. It's definitely not what I think "freedom in Christ" means. But, more importantly, living that way possibly indicates that there's a serious disconnect in our minds about what grace truly is and maybe we think that we can actually be perfect...

I wrote a poem a couple of days ago trying to describe that thing that humans do because we have a hard time really facing and accepting our ugliness. I think we do eventually realize the enormous amounts of ugly we have in our lives and we find ourselves at a crossroad. We choose to either cover up our faults through various and elaborate ways, or we accept who we are and accept that God accepts us for who we are. It's easier said than done, I know, because this sort of acceptance is unnerving. To really trust that God will love us for who we are is a truly vulnerable place to be. It probably feels like standing naked in front of an auditorium filled with plastic surgeons. It's uncomfortable and yes, possibly awkward.

For the sake of sounding perfectly redundant, because He does love us, we merely have to allow ourselves to believe and let go that He will change us. And while followers of Jesus Christ certainly have their responsibility to be obedient, we also need to be honest with ourselves and with God. What relationship has ever been considered healthy and has flourished and grown in the presence of dishonesty and denial?

I just want to get it. And I want other people to get it so they can stop pressuring me and everyone else around them to act like they're perfect and "so spiritual." Obviously, I'm kind of cynical, so take this with a grain of salt. I just want people to be real with God and one another about their misfires and misconceptions. Thankfully, I have found myself in a situation where I do encounter the reality of trying to live for Jesus in this broken and fallen world. And even in this reality, I still have a hard time accepting God's love... but it is what it is.

I pray that His grace will grow more clearer to me as I stumble through the reality of His love. It's especially good to think about it this week, since it is "Holy Week." And when Sunday rolls around, I do hope that our joy is not contrived, but something deep and real, that Easter is not just a tradition, or "that thing that we do on Sunday right before the easter egg hunt." It's the freakin' resurrection of Christ, upon which all our hope is supposed to be dependent on.

Carded.

whatever this phase of life is--i've recently decided to hang up any more presumptive thoughts or pressing "why's" and "why not's"--it's a perfect catalyst for the conception of ideas (i.e. more cards):

"hummingbird fly"

(a close up: newsprint wings. my favorite.)

"hello."--this card was inspired by "where the wild things are," which is weird because (a) i haven't seen the movie and (b) I don't remember the book being quite so cheerful. but i had friendly monsters with large teeth in mind when i was making this card...





i can't decide if this is a just a sort of "not your average peacock" card, or a "Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey" card, or maybe it's just a perfect hybrid-- the turkpock:








...last and not least, inspired by my love for coffee and newsprint and Africa and World-Market.







maybe, if I don't get married, instead of being a seamstress, or an eccentric old woman who fills her lonely life with cats, i can make cards. yes, that is what i'll do. make cards and send them out to random people that i find in the phonebook.

it has been decided.