Can't think of a title. pfft.

Recently, my nightly showers have become the wellspring of profound reflection. It seems that the enclosed space of plastic, glass and linoleum is not just for singing ADELE songs about pavements and what it means to chase them.

I was thinking about all the homework I had to do this weekend and noticed that the needle on my internal panic meter was rising steadily. It's not the workload that I'm concerned about--it's the actual product and the grade that I will be getting after I turn it in. And more importantly, how those grades--after careful, yet unnecessary comparison with fellow classmates--can often make me feel like crap. B's are not something I feel particularly great about, but I seem to get them a lot in nursing school. While most people felt happy and accomplished with a B average, from elementary to high school I was trained to see them as nothing short of failure. And somewhere, deep inside me, is the drive to be that amazing A student, but fear of misplaced and misguided pride kills whatever sort of effort I want to make in "doing my best." However, I'm not exactly excited about "settling." But then maybe, I'm not "settling," and maybe I'm not that A student that me, or my parents, once thought I was. After all, I was that student mostly in elementary school, but it was because my parents really wanted me to be that way. They wanted me to be successful and I wanted to please my parents (and be better than people.)

I'm realizing more and more that success is not or should not be what defines my worth, nor should it become a platform that I use to elevate my self and my merits. And I'm also realizing that I'm not "that" student, because I'm not so meticulous about school-type things. I mean without the constant nagging or the impending doom I felt as a younger child if I did not perform as expected, there is not much motivating me today-- except for my own whim (Hah, imagine that). I see that I am driven to be at my best in other, "not-school," related things. Things like cooking, playing guitar, making cards, sewing, baby sitting/relating with children, singing, writing songs, poetry, various art projects, having good bedside manner, loving people, creating outfits, growing emotionally and spiritually, striving for peace in relationships, learning how to be a good parent (someday) and making my bed.

I guess the conclusion that I've come up with--for now, at least-- is that I should try my best in anything that I do and put in the effort (ugggghhhh), but I can't be good at everything! And while success can be defined by grades, or how well I dress or sing, it definitely should not affect my inherent value and worth.

In any case, at least I can always count on my blood type being A+.