“In this [salvation] you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7
The more I think about my life these past 5 years, the more I'm convinced that the length of time spent in journaling, serving in various churches/ministries or reading/memorizing the bible is not comparable to the the quality of my relationship with God. I am learning that before everything else, my personal relationship with God should matter the most. What good is all the things that I do, if I don't trust that God actually cares about me, that He delights in me, that His love for me is not contingent about things I do or don't do (See Psalm 103)? Not that that sort of trust will always be perfect, because it probably never will, but there needs to be an undercurrent of willingness to think on these things, if not all of the time, then most of the time. The drive to love others, to serve others, comes from this undercurrent of trust. To love and to serve is to draw from an inward love that cannot help but spread to those in proximity.
If I have to tell it myself over and over again, then I will. My heart knows it is true, but my head tends to rebel against truth time and time again. My brain knows that it's a vulnerable, delightful and unnerving thing to express myself freely before God. To know that whatever I need to say, I can say it to Him. To be aware of the flaws that I have hidden, even from myself, and trusting that in Christ, God has forgiven me of all sins, past, present and future (See Psalm 139). I must remind myself that God welcomes me into His presence with open arms. That His unconditional love is unique to His divine character and only He has the capacity to love me perfectly.
It's a daunting, unimaginable thing to consider--God has the capacity to have a deep, loving relationship with anyone and everyone who seeks after Him, those whose hearts yearn for something much deeper than human beings, or anything else, in this world can offer. That is what a relationship with Christ has to offer--it's not merely "fire insurance" that saves people from Hell, but it is a constant reminder that we are not alone in this world. In the moments when we feel unworthy, ugly, lonely or depressed, those who know Christ can know a deep love and forgiveness that has no limits. Those who know Christ can know that there is justice and hope for the oppressed. Those who know Christ can know that there is redemption and freedom from darkness.
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