Obedience IS sacrifice.

The following issue is something that I find to be a "sticky" subject mostly because of what this would implicate about how we live out our Christianity. But it has been impressed upon my heart to talk about it, so while I'm not in a direct verbal exchange with another believer, I find the need to release the tension inside my mind by journaling about it. This is not an issue about legalism vs. our freedom in Christ, it's about what God wants from us, as we claim to "live in faith in Jesus Christ."

"The regenerate man knows more of difficulty than the unregenerate."
-A.W. Tozer

A good question to begin with is this: What concerns God the most?

If one were to say, God is most concerned about us, I would have to say that this is not true-while it is true that He is concerned about us (think of the sparrow analogy Jesus uses in Matt 6:26), it is dangerous to think that we are His utmost concern. This sort of thinking leads to a subconscious assumption that we are the apple of God's eye and that He exists only to love us and grant our hearts' desire. I say "subconsciously," because we would never say these things aloud or entertain these thoughts, as if it were something we were actually thinking. But as of late, I was convicted of the fact that this is where my "subconscious" was residing. I thought too lofty of my estate and resigned to a blatant inconsideration for the lost souls of the earth since my own was so "well taken care of." I will talk more about this later.

If one were to say, God is most concerned about His glory, then one would be right. But it is an answer that makes me uncomfortable because of what it implies. Then again, God is not concerned about my comfort, His utmost concern is for His glory and His glory alone. This I know is true when I think of people like Jonah, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Joseph, Moses and the apostle Paul, who served God while forfeiting an easy and comfortable way of life. And while some of you would nod your heads and maybe even say "Amen" in agreement with me, would you stop and consider this more seriously: if this is absolutely true of what God requires of us, then this acknowledgment means that there must be a response! It is a kind of response that requires more than just reading our Bibles, or sitting around discussing theology, or reading/listening to the latest sermon by John Piper. It requires something more radical. For by agreeing that God is most concerned about His glory, we are assenting that He is high and holy, worthy of praise and worship, worthy of our affections and more importantly, obedience. And obedience will cost us more than we think. For obedience, or lack of it, indicates what kind of god we truly worship.

Obedience. That is the word that has plagued my thoughts for the past few weeks or so. When I was little, my parents would say to me "obedience is better than sacrifice" as a reference to Abraham's intent to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, after God told Him to. And at this point in my life, I've come to this conclusion: obedience IS sacrifice. When Abraham chose to obey God, he was not only giving up his son, he was also sacrificing logical reasoning (why would a good God ask me to kill my only son that I love?), the heir to all his possessions, perhaps the affections of his wife (if had gone through with it, what would Sarah have done?) and the list goes on.

I do not write this as someone who has effortlessly found her niche in God's plan for her life. I will admit that the thought of obeying God troubles me. It troubles me because God's call for obedience in my life has never been so real and so tangible as it is right now. The sunday school answers playing in my head are not going to get me by anymore. God has revealed so much to me about the Christian's responsibility to evangelize to a lost and dying world, I know that to ignore such a thing would be severely imprudent. I can no longer play ignorant to the fact that the reason why I didn't care about the salvation of non-believers around me is because of my own secure place in Heaven. In God's sovereignty, He chose me. ME. And that's all that mattered.

Yes, it was a very hard thing to realize about myself--almost like a rude awakening, except not rude at all. The reason that I struggle with a more urgent call to evangelize is because I now have to go against the tide of how I have been living/thinking for years. More importantly, I know that this immense tension that I am feeling when I think about evangelism is caused by my selfishness clashing with the discomfort ahead of me. I know that God wants me to become more intentional about engaging people in conversations about Jesus Christ, and not just merely talking about religion, or apologetics but preaching the Gospel: The message of the Cross, the need for repentance, the truth about Hell and God's impending judgment on those who reject Christ. And God does not want me to just do this out of duty, but out of sincere compassion for the lost! I have to actually love these people first! The audacity!

Any excuse--it's always been this way, but it has only been recently that its mattered-- that I come up with in my head to not talk to someone about Jesus becomes an excuse to disobey God. And when I do follow through with my excuse and choose to NOT do what my conscience is telling me to do, I feel like everything inside me collapses. I immediately feel despair and grief for my disobedience. There have been a few times, where I just have to stop and cry out to God for peace because of the intense trembling in my soul. Then God gently comforts me and reminds me that He wants His glory and I am in blatant disobedience when I choose my fleeting sense of ease and convenience over the furthering of His kingdom.

I know that through the Spirit, I am able to obey God. The gentle urgings to obey comes from Him and I am thankful that I am more aware of what God wants for me. However, to obey God still means an almost complete make-over in how I interact with the people I come across everyday, an increasingly lucid perception of how fleeting my fleshly desires are and an ever growing conviction that my life needs to look more "radical," in comparison to how I have been living in the past. To be honest, I know that this means that my life will get harder. Right now, it does not sound too exciting. My prayer is that I will find joy amidst the discomfort of it all and trust the Spirit who dwells in me, the Spirit of life and peace.