the prospect of summer is close at hand!

i just have to survive these last three weeks of school, without managing to ruin my GPA (while managing to take a couple of trips to Disneyland. yes, I'm determined to milk my pass for all it's worth!)

I wake up every day to the surreality of my life. I never expected I would be here I first started this school year. God has caught me so off guard, that I still stumble every few steps. I can't get too far on my own strength. I just end up eating a fistful of mashed up, humble pie. And contrary to popular belief, it does NOT taste very good.

*sigh*

I'm probably not doing as bad as I think I am (within the context of school). My doom and gloom finds its source in my online class, which I am too ashamed to even mention how far behind I am in (those who know me. know. which is sufficient enough for my conscience). In the words of Carissa Abrego, "it's bad. just bad." I can't bring myself to sit down and do it. Well last week, I did. And this whole weekend, I told myself that that's what I needed to do. Play catchup. But what happened? I don't know. Saturday happened. and now it's Sunday. AH!


and yet, amidst the stresses of it all, there are exciting and worthwhile things happening:
- getting an apartment with some really cool people.
- yeah, still super excited about the nursing program. still really excited.
- hoping to record some songs this summer (as i'm working 2 jobs. like a grown up!)
- looking forward to FINALLY finishing that Harry Potter series (it's going to be such a relief to read FOR FUN)
- God has blessed me financially. All the glory goes to him.
- both of my brothers are coming down within the next two weeks for choir stuff at Disneyland. i'm excited to spend time with them.

It's important to think of good things amidst the not-so-good things. i'm praying that God will give me the strength to do all the things that I need to do and to die to my complacency and lazy tendencies. As stubborn as I am, I hate it. So hopefully, Jesus will help me to cast that aside to be able finish strong.

In the words of Amos Lee, "Keep it loose, keep it tight."

"Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are.
Oh, who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight.
Keep it loose child,
Keep it tight"

-A. Lee

This song automatically places my psyche into relax mode. I imagine that it's sort of equivalent to Mr. Roger's methodical unbuttoning of his cardigan sweater and the de-lacing of his dress shoes. What all that means is that when I listen to "Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight," my mind sheds it's business attire to put on sweats and fuzzy bedroom slippers.

The concept of keeping it loose really resonates with me right now (as I'm taking a "break" from my rather large paper that is due tomorrow at 3pm). Amidst all the life issues, heart issues, being behind in schoolwork and of course, family drama, sometimes it's necessary to just put those things aside and relax. One can only handle so much tension in their life before that tension snaps their sanity in two. I, for one, need my sanity in order to function as normally as I can. Of course, having hope in the eternal and heavenly things helps A TON with keeping my sanity in tact. Thank you, JESUS.

The reason I'm behind in my school work right now is because of this philosophy I have in "keeping it loose." I am not trying to justify anything, but I think I'm just trying to explain myself (something that I can't help doing, apparently). But for example, today, knowing that I have a test tomorrow and a rather large paper/project due (both in the same class. YES.), instead of FREAKING out, as one would assume would be the natural reaction, my reaction was to...take a nap, then spend an hour reflecting on my life, as I sat in my car and ate chinese food. After I was adequately relaxed, I started by project. And I was more prepared to engage my task at hand.

Going, going, going doesn't fly with me. I am not one of those people who do things to avoid thinking about things. I tend to be the type of person who don't do things because I'm thinking about things. I think I value my mental health more than that 4.0 average. (Funny or not funny?)

My efforts in trying to maintain my mental health can be a good thing, but also a very bad thing and obviously, not compatible with a heavy course load. Yikes. I'm sure as I continue to grow, I'll learn to be less on the "keep it loose" side of things and more on the "keep it tight." But not so tight that I break in half. I know there's a happy medium. Maybe I should write a song called "Keeping it pliable," or "keeping it at the consistency of Jello."

Ok, back to project.

Before I shower...more public self-disclosure!

11:03am. and all-could-be-better-than-it-has-been. (i'm so tempted to explain what that means, but i'm going to go against my character norms and just leave it be. ack.)

I'm not going to sit here and try to paint a pretty picture about how life has been. To be more precise and to the point, it's been sort of sucky. But you know what? That doesn't mean that God's awesomeness can't be seen through all the suckiness of life. In fact, I see His grace and His faithfulness even more. I am even more drawn to Him. It's like I'm a moth, entranced by the glow of the flourescent light against the darkness of the night (wow, that rhymed and it wasn't intentional!)

And God knows I need this. I've never been so dependent on my Father. I find myself so often just calling out Jesus's name at various points, throughout the day. I never realized how much I love to say that name.

yeah, i love Jesus.

Bring me Flowers.

listen to the song "Bring me flowers."
I have known about this song for THREE years now and ever since I heard it for the first time, I have been waiting for it to come out in some sort of tangible form (iTunes?).

I heard this song when I watched Step Up 2 tonight at the dollar theatre (yay for dollar tuesdays!) I got really excited when "Bring Me Flowers" started playing because I assumed that meant that the song would finally be available for purchase! Thus, as soon as I got home, I logged into to iTunes, twittering with excitement. But lo and behold... IT WASNT THERE. The song wasn't listed on the movie soundtrack! HOW LAME. It's cruel and unusual punishment! I say! Why Hope? Why? I just don't understand why you would torture me so. *loaded sigh*

Well, at least I can just go to her myspace page and listen to it whenever I want. But it's just not the same (and wouldn't she want to make money off of this song? what in the world is she thinking)

disclaimer: i'm not as neurotic as i sound. really.

Day 5.

i think.
maybe i've lost count.
doesn't matter, the days seem to all blend together.

i realized that my earlier post seemed slightly grumpy. All things considered, I'm really not that grumpy, I was just tired and when I'm tired, I say things more bluntly.

I talked to my dad today to tell him that I cut my credit card because the darn thing was causing me trouble. My dad's response was not the "good for you from running away from Satan's foothold over your life," response that I was expecting, though, his response didn't surprise me either. He said, in a very LOUD tone, over the phone: "WHAT? What if there is an emergency? What are you going to do? You don't need to cut up your credit card, you just need to learn to control yourself. You are impulsive, you need to learn to not be that way!"

oh, Dad, if you only knew.

Thus far, today has been a good reminder that I am human. My dad's point is valid. Emergencies, financial ones, do tend to happen from time to time. A credit card could come in handy for such emergencies. I guess I thought about that, but filed that thought under "lame excuses."

Oy vey.

I wrote a song (or started to, anyway) a few days ago and the chorus kind of really speaks to the situation at hand:

Cause we're young and naive,
and made to believe that
we've got it all figured out.
But ironically, it's quite opposite,
and we'll be learning till the
day that we die.

points.

I feel like this is going to be a few journal entries in one. Thus, I will divide the different points into sections, so that my train of thought(s) don't appear too dissipated.

Point A:
I just cut up my credit card.
yes. i took a pair of scissors and did away with the poor little sucker. I cut it up in four triangular pieces.
i don't need mo' debt. I go to Biola.
and i was throughly convicted today, after Dave Talley's sermon at church.
it needed to be done.

Point B:
it's currently 1:44am and I am not at all tired. I suppose I could do something productive...like homework. But I'm not really that responsible. If I were responsible i would be sleeping right now, since I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning. But the fact that I have a doctor's appointment kinda proves my ability to be responsible, anyway. Right? So that, in and of itself, cancels everything out.

Point C:
I win.

Point D:
Anyway, since I was up, I started looking through some of my old writings and I found a poem that I wrote on September 29 of the year Two thousand and five:

twiddle dee
twiddle thumb
how many ways
to make your mind numb
talk in riddles
talk in tongues
talk in feelings
or talk none
stoic faces
lifeless eyes
stare into
darkened skies
wayward thoughts
overthinking
overflowing
this wayward ship is sinking
lifejacket
lifeboat
same difference
they float
drown in the excess
hold thy tongue
don't confess
leave it where it is
leave it where you stand

I forget why I wrote it. But I find it fascinating. I am not trying to be conceited when I say that I think my mind is interesting. Maybe a better term for it is "quirky." Yes, I have a "quirky" way of thinking at times. Well, maybe, most of the time. I like to hide it, methinks. Or at least suppress as much of it as I can. Only those who really know me see the extent of my quirkyness. You know who you are.

I am actually very glad that my mind works the way it does. I value uniqueness because it adds the necessary spice to a culture that has the propensity to be bland in its pursuit of conformity. *That statement maybe over-generalizing, but I'm too lazy to back space and change it.)

Ergo, I have a great appreciation for people who think outside of the box. People who have a chameleon-like ability to adjust to new and different situations. People who are willing to take risks in their decisions with the intentions of giving themselves a leeway for personal growth.
Yes, they are my heroes.

Point E:
I am ridiculous. It is 2:05 am right now and I'm getting up in 4ish hours. Oy vey. This week is off to a great start...

Tea and poet-ry.

I just drank 1.24 liters of Arizona iced tea. HOW is that possible?
in my defense, I was really thirsty. and it was really good.

sometimes, i dabble in poetry. here's my latest attempt...or "distraction" titled ( and yes, title is subject to change):

Be Ware, the beating heart

Lighter than the gentle hum of a hummingbird's wing
Softly carried through the wind as baby's breath;
these careless hopes hang buoyant in the Eastern winds
searching vainly for a place to rest.

A fleeting pass by my bedroom window,
they beckon my imagination with gentle coaxing;
A winsome sight to a heart's mind, newly narrowed
but a foolish attempt, if not, damning.

But lest, the heart's master takes heed to guard
and build up its walls, worn paper thin;
The heart will shatter into pieces of deathly shards,
destroying its master from within.

Duty, dooty, doodie.

I'm on duty. Which means that I sit in the RA office for three hours and do things like...blog, or play songs on the gee-tar with Grace Mears about God and how AWESOME and AMAZING He is. (Yeah, I know, I've got my work cut out for me.)

Our staff just a got new computer (a Mac, of course) and I'm enjoying the new-ness of the new keyboard and how the keys feel like little sponges underneath my finger tips. I love typing on this keyboard. It's quite therapeutic. One of those simple joys in life that is often taken for granted. And at this season in my life, I feel like I need to take advantage of things like this.

This past week has been a week of profound...revelations. That mostly means, I'm discovering more things that I need to "fix" about myself. Actually, they're "nothing new under the sun." I guess I'm just seeing my faults with an entirely new perspective. Oy vey.

In light of recent events, I have, unfortunately, seen how impatient/impulsive I can be. It's a little scary, I must admit. I liken it to...jumping from not-quite-point-A to WAY past point-B, hitting a wall (or God's hand of grace), then falling so flat on my face, that I am unable to stand up under my foolish decisions, forcing me to crawl back, while dragging my face through the dirt, to point A.

Yeah, talk about a humbling realization. It's not fun, but I know it is necessary so that I am more aware of it. Though I can't say that I'm cured of my impatient nature (drats!), but I am praying about it (lightbulb: even the process of learning to be more patient is a...process that takes patience! And a lot of it! Ah!).

And in correlation to me "jumping the gun," I also see the danger in not being present in the process of getting to point B from point A. This happens more often than not. Especially, when doing homework. Which is probably why I don't retain as much as I should. And it's probably why I'm not as diligent as I should be either. Ayayay.

I understand that the root of my impatience is in how small I'm making God to be. I say I trust Him, but often times, my actions do not reflect that. Ouch. Thank goodness that God's posture is redemption. He loves to be merciful. And ironically, it is by His mercy and grace that I am continually sanctified (i.e. made holy, to become more like His Son, Jesus.) And I'm not going to lie, or pretend that this is easy. Sanctification can be quite a painful and jolting experience. Especially when it affects, or involves, other people. Sometimes, I think sanctification is like a bulldozer for one's character flaws. It'll demolish anything and everything in it's path. It's important to get the ugly things out of the way, in order to build, newer and better buildings. And God is..building...up our character. He wants to make us better people. (Hmm..yeah, I may need to work on that analogy a little more, but I'm hoping you get my drift.)

Oh yes, but sanctification is such a good thing, despite the inner turmoil, loss of appetite and feelings of nausea (yes, I'm serious!). All of these factors make me need and depend on God all the more! And oh, how I do need Him. Instead of gazing fully at my Father's beautiful face, I had turned my head away, and was only looking at Him through the corner of my eye. I had been, in some ways, unfaithful to Him. It is important that I understand that.

How could I forget that Jesus is my treasure? That He is my true love? That sounds cheesy, but it's the truth. Maybe I need to remember what it's like to be IN love with Jesus. Not "in love" like romantic love, but something much more than that. Something less...materialistic and...more eternal.

Wow, that's a lot to say.

I need to get to bed. I'm sleepy. But I will end with this amazing hymn:

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side.

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change, He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly Friend.

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake

To guide the future, as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul; when dearest friends depart,

And all is darkened in the vale of tears,

Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,

Who comes to soothe they sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the LORD.

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, loves' purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past

All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last.

God The All (excerpt from a puritan prayer book)

O GOD WHOSE WILL CONQUERS ALL,

There is no comfort in anything apart from enjoying thee
and being engaged in thy service;
Thou are All in all, and all enjoyments are what to me
thou makest them, and no more.
I am well pleased with thy will, whatever it is,
or should be in all respects,
And if thou bidst me decide for myself in any affair,
I would choose to refer all to thee,
for thou art infinitely wise and cannot do amiss,
as I am in danger of doing.
I rejoice to think that all things are at thy disposal,
and it delights me to leave them there.
Then prayer turns wholly into praise,
and all I can do is to adore and bless thee.
What shall I give thee for all thy benefits?
I am in a strait betwixt two, knowing not what to do;
I long to make some return, but have nothing to offer,
and can only rejoice that thou doest all,
that none in heaven or on earth shares thy honour;
I can of myself do nothing to glorify thy blessed name,
but I can through grace cheerfully surrender soul
and body to thee,
I know that thou art the author and finisher of faith,
that the whole work of redemption is thine alone,
that every good work or thought found in me
is the effect of thy power and grace,
that thy sole motive in working in me to will
and to do is for thy good pleasure.

O God, it is amazing that men can talk so much
about man's creaturely power and goodness,
when, if thou didst not hold us back every moment,
we should be devils incarnate.

This, by bitter experience, thou has taught me
concerning myself.

Life lesson #10 billion (and counting)

Jesus has commanded us not to worry:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food and the body more than clothes...Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"
[Luke 12:22,25-26]

Lately, it's been making more sense to me as to why Jesus told us not to worry. Anxiety, if left unattended, sucks out all the joy in your life, leaving only remnances of bitterness and negativity. (I can attest to that because I have let anxiety get the best of me before.) A bitter and negative person cannot bear "good fruit" and will have a hard time living for the Kingdom. A bitter and a negative person is a lifeless shell, a cavity of their former self.

In addition to that, how much a person worries is also a clear indication of their ability to trust in the LORD. I think it's almost sadistic as to how easily I can turn my eyes away from God and try to take situations into my own hands. How can i be so foolish? God has proven Himself so faithful in my life. How could I ever doubt him? I think that is what Jesus is trying to say in that passage. It makes no sense to worry when a Sovereign God who is in control of everything and knows everything, who WAS and IS and IS TO COME, sits on His heavenly throne. He watches over the universe as a benevolent ruler, working everything in human history, for our good and His eternal glory. His goodness, His compassionate mercy and grace is everlasting. His knowledge is unattainable, too lofty for anyone to imagine. He is terrifyingly awesome in power and might. He is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He is the God who saved His people from Egypt, destroyed pagan nations, redeemed His people time and time again and gave humanity an everlasting hope in Jesus Christ, the Savior, who set us free from the bondages of the Law and sin.

This is the God that I worship, the God that I serve. And because of what He's done for humanity, I need to serve Him with a joyful heart--not a heart diseased with worry and anxiety.

I need to keep reminding myself of what I know is true, in order for me to able to fight for joy, and let go of control. Let go of anxious thoughts. Let go of my propensity to worry.

"Rejoice in the LORD always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The LORD is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petitition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

[Philippians 4:4-8]

Rearranging.

It's been an incredible 3-4 weeks. Really, really incredible. Amidst all the challenging and hard things God has been doing in my life over the past year, there are also good things. Then again, even in the hard things, I see God's goodness. He is faithful to the unfaithful and He is full of mercy and grace. I would not trade any of the painful things that I have experienced for what I know about God's character now.

Another indiscriminate, idiosyncratic un-itinerant entry...

A. I find it increasingly funny when people compliment me on my hair. I say "thank you." But then I chuckle to myself mostly because I had nothing to do with my haircut (other than drive myself to the hair salon and fork out $50 to get it cut and colored.) The point is...the hairstylist cut my hair. She gets the credit. Not me. Why don't people say, "Hey your hairstylist did a good job on your hair." Then I can say, "Hey yeah. She did, didn't she?" It's kind of like when people say, "Hey, I like your face." What am I supposed to say? Granted, I can receive such compliments gracefully by saying, "Thank you." But that's just so odd to me. It's not like I had any say about what I was going to look like. I was just sort of...born.

B. I make faces.




"YAAAARRRRRRR."















I guess I know what this looks like. But I'm not going to say it.









OH. I have class, like, now. I should leave.

(I felt like I might have wasted time, right about now. But it was either this or cleaning my room).

"peace out."