re: beauty & perspectives

maybe it is because my emotions are worn loosely on my sleeves,
and i am prone to think with my heart more often than my mind would like to admit
but i find beauty in the least expected places, it seems

i find beauty in perspectives,
i find beauty in the discomfort of differences,
in the ever present shades of gray, knitted firmly
in my life-like tapestry.

differences play a role in redefining, refining--faith.

those who think with their hearts despise logic,
those who think with their minds refuse their heart's cry...
which is right? is the other wrong?
there is redeeming beauty in remembering the tension,
--meant to keep the head and the heart in their proper places

soon enough, it won't matter the wrongness or the rightness of it all,
if the ground swallows them, or whether they are stunned with the parting of clouds,
revealing the brightness of the Son, who was destined to rule them all.

"I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened." [Fyodor Dostoevsky]

the freedom in finding myself

It's still the semester break and I'm up before 9 am. Some may think that I'm crazy for being up so early when I don't have to be, but somehow, the whole "sleeping-in" thing got really old when I realized I could be doing more productive things with my time.

(Blogging, apparently, is more productive than sleeping in.)

I think it's great that I came to dislike my laziness all on my own. That may sound odd, but thinking for myself has not exactly been something I've ever really done until recently. For example, I used to dislike laziness, not because I actually thought I was doing something wrong, but because I feared the opinion of others that I placed highly before mine. In other words, I trusted the wisdom of men (and women) to an unhealthy degree. I had shame and guilt built upon other people's convictions and not my own. My life and thought life was a jumbled mess.

This, of course, affected my relationship with God in that I felt constantly guilty--since you know, you can't please everyone. So, I tried to alleviate guilt by doing stuff, or trying to get other people to take my guilt away through people-pleasing methods. I didn't realize the gravity of the situation until I moved away from home and experienced a not-so-black-and-white-reality, where people believed different things. Faced with diversity of thought and seeing other believers live a Christianity that was so different from what I've always known, I slowly--and painfully--realized that I had no thoughts, or opinions to call my own. Some would say that this is "growing up." It felt more like the ground caved in under my feet and I plunged into a huge abyss of doubt and confusion. Growing up is not fun.

But undeniably necessary. Thankfully, God did not allow me to stay so...abysmal.

I used to believe that any lingering thought to who I was, any focus on the "self" would lead to disaster. However, I discovered that this "disaster" I had in mind would be finding that certain people would no longer--for lack of a better term-- think I was "legit," as in my reputation as a solid, logical person, would be null and void. The trend that I witnessed in my life was that I capitulated the things that I believed, not just because I didn't know what to believe, but because I didn't want to feel the deadening blow of rejection. When one is not confident enough in Christ to risk standing on their own, then rejection--or the mere feeling of it-- is, like, the worst thing ever.

Discovering who our true "selves" are can be tricky. It's understandable that people would fear it so much. It's what Martin Buber calls a "perilous moment." He says that a "real self knowledge leads a person to self-destruction or to rebirth." Yes, I whole-heartedly agree. I mean, I was sort of out of commission for some time, but I was in a lot of ways "re-born." No, I am not implying that I had somehow "lost" my salvation and got it back, nor am I saying that I was never a Christian. I am admitting that I was a confused Christian, but now, I'm not so confused. I knew a "self" that was created by my parasitical dependence on the opinions of others. I think this tends to happen more often than not, since churches are really good at focusing on WHAT people are doing instead of HOW they are doing on the inside. And when I say churches, I mean, the body of Christ as a whole. I don't exempt myself from this at all, by the way. I know that I'm a hypocrite. But I'm trying to be less like one by knowing who I really am and what I really believe.

I've learned that people can't, nor should they try to do something that only the Holy Spirit can do: sanctify me, or make me holy. And I should not depend on them for my righteousness, either. The truth is, at least for me, not looking at who I really was, was a detriment to my relationship with God. I trusted people more than I trusted Him. I wasn't able to enjoy a relationship with Him because I was too preoccupied by what people thought. I was in bondage. It was terribly constricting and lethal to any kind of joy I wanted to have. This was not "freedom in Christ."

I know that now, I am seeking to trust the Holy Spirit to guide me, to show me discernment in how I live my life. Of course, I still listen to people. I love sermons and reading books about God and Christianity--however, I no longer sense the obligation to make their thoughts absolute truths in my life. I am more ok with being wrong, or standing alone, than I have ever been because not only is the Holy Spirit going to correct me, but I know that God is for me, He will never leave or forsake me. God has restored my confidence and I surrender to Him my life and my thoughts and my self.

"Now the LORD is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the LORD, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the LORD who is the Spirit." [2 Corinthians 3: 17-18]

Golden child.

"He knows the way that I take and when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold." [Job 23:10]

I am so thankful. I never thought I would actually get to a point in my life where I can mean this, like, mean it in a "my heart is overflowing with gratitude and love" kind of way: I am thankful for the pain that God has caused in my life because now I can say with confidence that I know Him better.

It is a kind of knowledge of God, that break the bonds of pride and arrogance that comes with an abundance of head knowledge about God and the Bible. My heart has succeeded, where my logic has failed. I am grateful to be humbled in this way. Grateful to read the bible in a way that is not limited to filling my head with facts, but in a way that seeks to know my God, my Father, the One who has saved me from the eternal punishment that I deserve and seeks to have a deep relationship with me, His adopted child.

I am so thankful. So thankful to be more confident than I have ever been of His love for me. As Brother Lawrence once said, "Love sweetens pains." What is even more sweet is a growing understanding of God's infinite grace--that despite my horrible attitude, my pride, my failures and my anger, He continues to pour out His mercy and continues to reveal Himself to me. His grace is limitless! His love knows no bounds! He does not treat us according to our iniquities, and He does not give up on those He loves.

This is the hope that the world needs to know, not just to save them from eternal damnation, but so that they may enjoy knowing the Living God, and grow to love Him and seek to worship Him, now and forever.

Substantial

I don't know why, but I always want to write something that will shake people up. Something that will make a difference in someone's thought normal thought process, something that will make them think outside of their preconceived notions and assumptions. To lay aside their biases and open their minds and their hearts long enough to consider that the world is largely gray, with some black and white instead of the other way around. I am passionate about provoking others to think. Not just to exercise their minds, but to maybe, figure out whether what they think is something they truly believe, or if what they believe is contingent upon a conscious, or unconscious, fear of what others may think.

Or maybe it has nothing to do with any of the above. Maybe I'm just strangely compelled to share my thoughts with you, or anyone who would care (because, statistically-speaking, if you--reader--have managed to make it this far into this post, you actually care. I hope that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone).

With all that to say, here are three things, I am really compelled/convicted/excited to follow through with for the year 2010:

1. Seek to fully rely on the power of the Holy Spirit: While some may freak out and think I've gone "crazycharismatic"... I've yet to find anything remotely un-biblical about utterly surrendering to the Holy Spirit of God--who is present with me and in me, who is supposedly, according to Jesus, better for me than Him actually being here on Earth. I don't have details of how I'm supposed to do this, but I do know it's a day to day thing. I want to commit to pray and ask God everyday to show me the full extent of His power and see what He does in my life and how He uses me for His Kingdom! I'm excited!
2. Find a ministry to be involved in and stick with it: I admit that I've been shying away from involving myself in ministry due to various reasons (school, life, personal conundrums). But I think that this goal coincides with the previous one. I would really love to do something that involves the homeless population, or even something that entails going into the "heart of darkness" of my community. I just want to show Christ's love to others.
3. Living a healthy lifestyle: I've been working out 3 times a week, which I know will be harder to follow through with once school starts, but I want to commit to doing some sort of physical activity (outside of walking to class) at least three times a week. Not only that, but I want to commit to drinking eight glasses of water everyday and eating some sort of fruit/vegetable with every meal. And if that isn't enough, I want to try to decrease my caffeine and sodium intake.

All three goals take quite a bit of intentionality and courage. I am kind of wary because I have never (ever) made a New Year's resolution--mostly because I was too cowardly to commit myself to anything that would make me have to be disciplined. I guess I'm taking a stand against...myself and my cowardice. I want to live more intentionally. And I know that living this way is going to be challenging.

So...here I go.

The Beginning

a journal entry, titled Oz, written on May 31, 2007:

If my life, at this point and time, could be compared to anything, anything at all, I would compare it to “The Wizard of Oz,” minus the encounter with the Munchkins and the witches. I’m having an “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” experience. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing in “Oz.” The purpose has yet to be fully revealed to me and that can be quite frustrating.God is the Wizard that I must seek in order to find answers, in order to find my way back to “Kansas.” Even amidst my most formidable trial, yet, I know that God is very real. I know that He is sovereign. His existence is not a mere demonstration of the capability of man’s inventiveness, but He is, without a doubt, a being of objectiveness. No matter what state my heart is in, He is there. No matter how much I may choose to not acknowledge Him, I know that I can’t wish God away. I can’t even escape talking about Him. It’s something that just happens.

So God is there. Waiting for me, at the end of the yellow brick road. It took Dorothy an hour or so to get there, but I think it will take me a little longer. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel that this journey is too big for me. I’ve grown anxious, not knowing where this “road” will lead me. I know it will lead me to God but I don’t think it will take me back to “Kansas.” That’s not my home anymore.

Truest Joy

the subject of Christian joy can be tricky. some would say that Christian joy does not necessarily mean exuberant happiness on a day to day basis, but more like an undercurrent amidst life's unfairness and trials--somehow rationalizing the "doom and gloom" that many serious Christians tend to have--therefore explaining away their palpable depression and misery. and then there's the other end of the spectrum that Christian "joy" can tend to be intentionally or unintentionally fake, overtly contrived to compensate for something unseen, or unrealized. i have seen/experienced both manifestations of Christian joy and i must admit that neither are satisfactory. and for some time, i tried to neutralize myself to the elusiveness of it all, by trying to pretend like i didn't care. but the truth of the matter is that there must be the truest joy, a matter that the holy spirit has been prompting my heart to seek after--i cannot settle for neutrality in this matter.

but how can one have the Truest Joy without contriving it, or seeking happiness as a means to an end? is there really something so wrong about enjoying life to it's fullest, within the context of a Christian's pursuit of God and holiness?

i am reading a book by Martin Lloyed-Jones titled Spiritual Depression: It's causes and Cures, and he has a theory--well, actually, he has a few, but this one really stood out to me:

The particular trouble with which we are dealing tends...to be common among those who have been brought up in a religious manner...it is more likely to affect those who have been brought up in Christian homes and families...there are many such people who seem to go right through their lives in the way described by Shakespeare as 'bound in shallows and in miseries.'They are in the realm of the Church and very interested in Christian things; and yet when you compare them with the New Testament description of the new man in Christ you see at once that there is a great difference. Indeed they themselves see that, and this is often the main cause of their depression and their unhappiness....they are what I would call miserable Christians, simply because they have not understood the way of salvation, and for that reason all their beliefs and efforts have been more less useless. They often concentrate on the question of sanctification, but it does not help them because they have not yet understood justification.
...This confusion is an old trouble. In a sense it is the masterpiece of Satan. He will even encourage us to be righteous as long as he has us confused at this point. That he is doing so at present time is clear from the fact that the average person in the Church seems to regard men as Christian simply because they do good works.

i would tend to agree with mr. jones. i believe this theory sufficiently explains the trouble of the miserable Christian and the one who feels the need to fake their joy, for lack of it. and really, a miserable Christian and one who needs to fake joy, are one in the same. it is the problem of externals. why must we feel that we need to prove ourselves to others when we have the absolute approval of the One who matters the most? The LORD has never asked us, nor expected us, to prove ourselves to Him in order to receive His love and blessing. He has accepted us completely, in our sinfulness and imperfections, and has given us the sole reason to have pure, unadulterated joy. In this context, it is important to consider: That while we were sinners, Christ died for us and that God's love is incomprehensibly, undeniably, UNCONDITIONAL--unaffected by what we do or not do.

But still the question remains, how can we, then, have the truest joy? how can we practically attain something that seems so elusive? Well, this is what God has been teaching me over the last three years (which i'm sure is only the beginning). It has been a long season of trials and adversity, hardships and heartwrenching changes. I have experienced many a low points, misery at some points and sometimes even contrived joy. But still my lowest, most bleak point had to come before I emerged, only by God's amazing grace, with a new and profound understanding of His love and His desire to have a deep, loving relationship with me. It has been said "You must be miserable before you can know true Christian joy." And I find this to be so true. This life is ultimately not about what I do, but about enjoying a relationship with Him. In order to be effective in ministry, it must come from a heart, overflowing with love for Christ! Not guilt, or a sense of obligation attached to other people's expectations. One cannot understand the love of Christ by working for it. One can never cook enough meals, or attend enough bible studies or lead enough hours of worship. We must enjoy our relationship with God, for the sake of who He is, in order to enjoy life and all that He has for us to do in this life. And enjoying God is a continual practice of seeking His presence in every moment of every day. To find ourselves centered on who He is, reminding ourselves of His blessings. That is the truest joy. There can be so much more to say, but since this post is already so long, I think that my particular journey, especially in these last few weeks, can be summed up in this paragraph:

There is not a world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God. Those only can comprehed it who practice and experience it; yet I do not advise you to do it from that motive. It is not pleasure which we ought to seek in this exercise; but let us do it from a principle of love and because God would have us...

Second Letter

excerpt from The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

In a conversation...with a person of piety, he told me the spiritual life was a life of grace, which begins with servile fear, which is increased by hope of eternal life...consummated by pure love, that each of these states had its different stages, by which one arrives at last at that blessed consummation.

I have not followed all these methods. On the contrary, from I know not what instincts, I found they discouraged me. This was the reason why, at my entrance into religion, I took a resolution to give myself up to God, at the best return I could make for His love, and for the love of Him, to renounce all besides.

For the first year I commonly employed myself...with the thought of death, judgment, heaven, hell and my sins...such was my beginning, and yet I must tell you that for the first 10 years I suffered much. The apprehension that I was not devoted to God as I wished to be, my past sins always present to my mind, and the great unmerited favors which God did me, were the matter and source of my sufferings. During this time I fell often, and rose again presently. It seemed to me that all creatures, reason and God Himself were against me, and faith alone for me. I was troubled sometimes with thoughts that to believe I had received such favors was an effect of my presumption, which pretended to be at once where others arrive with difficulty; at other times, it was a willful delusion, and that there was no salvation for me.

When I thought of nothing but to end my days in these troubles (which did not at all diminish the trust I had in God and which served only to increase my faith), I found myself changed all at once; and my soul, which till that time was in trouble, felt a profound inward peace, as if she were in her center and place of rest.

Ever since that time I walked before God, simply, in faith with humility and with love, and I apply myself diligently to do nothing and think nothing which may displease Him....

...when I apply myself to prayer, I feel all my spirit and all my soul lift itself up without any care or effort of mine and it continues as it were suspended and firmly fixed in God, as in its center and place of rest. I know that some charge this state with inactivity, delusion and self-love...yet I cannot bear that this should be called delusion, because the soul which thus enjoys God desires herein nothing but Him. If this be delusion in me, it belongs to God to remedy it. Let Him do what He pleases with me; I desire only Him and to be wholly devoted to Him.