It's still the semester break and I'm up before 9 am. Some may think that I'm crazy for being up so early when I don't have to be, but somehow, the whole "sleeping-in" thing got really old when I realized I could be doing more productive things with my time.
(Blogging, apparently, is more productive than sleeping in.)
I think it's great that I came to dislike my laziness all on my own. That may sound odd, but thinking for myself has not exactly been something I've ever really done until recently. For example, I used to dislike laziness, not because I actually thought I was doing something wrong, but because I feared the opinion of others that I placed highly before mine. In other words, I trusted the wisdom of men (and women) to an unhealthy degree. I had shame and guilt built upon other people's convictions and not my own. My life and thought life was a jumbled mess.
This, of course, affected my relationship with God in that I felt constantly guilty--since you know, you can't please everyone. So, I tried to alleviate guilt by doing stuff, or trying to get other people to take my guilt away through people-pleasing methods. I didn't realize the gravity of the situation until I moved away from home and experienced a not-so-black-and-white-reality, where people believed different things. Faced with diversity of thought and seeing other believers live a Christianity that was so different from what I've always known, I slowly--and painfully--realized that I had no thoughts, or opinions to call my own. Some would say that this is "growing up." It felt more like the ground caved in under my feet and I plunged into a huge abyss of doubt and confusion. Growing up is not fun.
But undeniably necessary. Thankfully, God did not allow me to stay so...abysmal.
I used to believe that any lingering thought to who I was, any focus on the "self" would lead to disaster. However, I discovered that this "disaster" I had in mind would be finding that certain people would no longer--for lack of a better term-- think I was "legit," as in my reputation as a solid, logical person, would be null and void. The trend that I witnessed in my life was that I capitulated the things that I believed, not just because I didn't know what to believe, but because I didn't want to feel the deadening blow of rejection. When one is not confident enough in Christ to risk standing on their own, then rejection--or the mere feeling of it-- is, like, the worst thing ever.
Discovering who our true "selves" are can be tricky. It's understandable that people would fear it so much. It's what Martin Buber calls a "perilous moment." He says that a "real self knowledge leads a person to self-destruction or to rebirth." Yes, I whole-heartedly agree. I mean, I was sort of out of commission for some time, but I was in a lot of ways "re-born." No, I am not implying that I had somehow "lost" my salvation and got it back, nor am I saying that I was never a Christian. I am admitting that I was a confused Christian, but now, I'm not so confused. I knew a "self" that was created by my parasitical dependence on the opinions of others. I think this tends to happen more often than not, since churches are really good at focusing on WHAT people are doing instead of HOW they are doing on the inside. And when I say churches, I mean, the body of Christ as a whole. I don't exempt myself from this at all, by the way. I know that I'm a hypocrite. But I'm trying to be less like one by knowing who I really am and what I really believe.
I've learned that people can't, nor should they try to do something that only the Holy Spirit can do: sanctify me, or make me holy. And I should not depend on them for my righteousness, either. The truth is, at least for me, not looking at who I really was, was a detriment to my relationship with God. I trusted people more than I trusted Him. I wasn't able to enjoy a relationship with Him because I was too preoccupied by what people thought. I was in bondage. It was terribly constricting and lethal to any kind of joy I wanted to have. This was not "freedom in Christ."
I know that now, I am seeking to trust the Holy Spirit to guide me, to show me discernment in how I live my life. Of course, I still listen to people. I love sermons and reading books about God and Christianity--however, I no longer sense the obligation to make their thoughts absolute truths in my life. I am more ok with being wrong, or standing alone, than I have ever been because not only is the Holy Spirit going to correct me, but I know that God is for me, He will never leave or forsake me. God has restored my confidence and I surrender to Him my life and my thoughts and my self.
"Now the LORD is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the LORD, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the LORD who is the Spirit." [2 Corinthians 3: 17-18]
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