the presence of Absence.

currently playing: Merry Happy by Kate Nash


there is a sort of absence that feels relentlessly present.
maybe even persistent.

no amount of distance,
denial,
...or didacticism,
seems to make any difference--
there is no simple cure.

cliches cannot sweep
the oxymoron under
the subliminal rug.

[what to do, what to do.]
imagine a frantic,
manic,
search for something to
fix the undesired,

feeling(s).
[i.e scissors to cut the loose ends.]

perhaps the answer is
finding a sense of belonging,
in the uncertainty.

or maybe the answer could be found:
at the very bottom of a very large
flask of

sweet tea.

a boy named Shakespeare.

Shaky for short.

He is only 7 years old, the second to the youngest child of a strong Samoan family, soft spoken, with beautiful dark eyelashes and dark raven hair that reached the back of his shins.

We spent most of the day smirking at each other--me trying to make him laugh and him trying to pretend that he didn't want to. At the end of the day, he finally smiled--revealing several missing teeth and said "You're weird." I told him that I took that as a compliment.

This may sound kind of weird, but really...when I'm at Children's Hospital of Orange County for clinicals, I feel kind of like I'm....shopping for children. Don't worry, I don't have any immediate plans to take any home...but I just fall in love with all the kids that I encounter. Today was no exception. I wanted to take all my patient with me.

When I'm around kids, I just feel like I'm in my element. They are the best kind of people, i think.

"Jesus is a genius"

...that was a direct quote from the pastor this morning of the Fountain of Life Church in Long Beach, California. There was a lot of context behind that statement...mainly the passage in 2 Timothy 4:13, where an imprisoned Paul is writing some personal instructions for Timothy: "...When you come, bring the cloak that I left with Carpus at Troas, also the books, and above all the parchments." The parchments, being Scripture--most of which Paul had written--were the most important thing to Paul. Not so that he can admire his penmanship, but because these parchments were some of the earliest manuscripts of what we know to be the New Testament.

Paul, in the midst of his suffering, needed encouragement from God. He needed the Bible. An amazing thought struck me at church this morning. Well, amazing in a "wow, how can I be such an idiot" kind of way. So...growing up in a conservative Christian background, I always knew I had to read the Bible. And even now, if I don't read it, I feel horrible. Some of it is conviction, but most of it is guilt and/or fear. Conviction and guilt are different things and that's a whole 'nother issue. I feel guilty because I think God is mad at me. I'm sure if God was conditional, that would be true. But it's not true. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is not petty, nor is he fickle. I'm not trying to wriggle out of an "obligation" to be in the word as a "slave of Christ," but should it really be this sort of obligation? An obligation where it feels like you're the worst Christian in the world if it's not done? I'm not trying to write excuses, just merely thinking. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I need to exorcise the thought that God is upset enough with me to shun me from His graces when I don't read the Word. Though, even when I say it out loud, it's hard to believe. Doing things out of fear [of rejection] cannot nurture, nor sustain, the kind of relationship God wants to have with those who call themselves His children...

Reading the Bible should come from a sort of addiction to God. A spiritual dependency, if you will. I'm seeing that now...and I want to have what Paul had.

Somewhere in the pastor's message this morning, within the context of 2 Timothy 4:6-13, he talked about suffering and self-denial (submitting the self to discipline, not pretending like we're human beings without any actual wants and desires) and how Jesus suffers with us, and how everything that's invested in suffering--the pain, the loneliness, the brokenness, for the sake of the Cross--will be redeemed at the end of it all, that entrusting obedience and trust in God is a worthy investment of our lives, even if it ends in a dungeon...that it takes these sort of things to make a man, or a woman...the pastor stops and says, "Jesus is a genius."

I can't even really explain, in words, how much that statement comforts me...and kind of makes me chuckle. Jesus IS a genius...everyday, I see how He breaks down false ideas, restores brokenness, comforts loneliness and so much more. And in my life alone, He has really done amazing things, even in the last four months. I am a different person, in a lot of ways.

I am thankful for it.

Sing.

Sing by Travis:

untitled

I realized that I may have sounded like I didn't like being around Christians at all in my last post...which isn't true. While in some ways, I think being around non-Christians is refreshing because they do see a lot of their own humanity and are often more understanding of the more human reactions to crap that happens in life, but they cannot replace fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ. I am thankful for people in my life who love me and speak words of wisdom into my life and people who understand what it means to pursue a life lived by faith.

I gave blood for the first time today and survived. Thank you, Jesus.

I've been listening to "Great is Thy Faithfulness" a lot in the past week. It's good to hear and sing and to think about what is true of God. I know this song consoles me a lot when i start to feel more than believe. Feelings are so often misleading. Not that its bad to be emotional but sometimes emotions are potent enough to convince us of something that we think is true and we lose our grip on reality. And today is no exception:


(this version of "Great is Thy Faithfulness is performed by Jeremy aka "Passion")

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Crazy/Talk.

Um.

Sometimes, I get a little self-conscious about all my Jesus talk.

*gasp*

It should be little or no surprise to most people that our American culture is progressively moving away from God, His law, His love, His Holiness and more importantly, Jesus Christ & the Gospel. God's not a "big deal" anymore. This isn't just a problem in the secular world, but the casual disregard of the characters of God & the implications of the Cross has infiltrated the church and the minds of its attendees. President Obama did proclaim to the rest of the world that "we are no longer a Christian nation," and was proud of it. It doesn't surprise me, but it kind of freaks me out in a "the end is near!" kind of way...

Christians have become the "crazies" of this day and age. With the rest of the civilization finding their encouragement and inspiration from their respective muses of this world, Christians are looked down upon, viewed as archaic, mindless beings, who talk about things that don't make any logical sense. Granted, there are some Christians who are kind of actually crazy and they have somehow become THE representation of all the Christians and...that's not good.

And because I am a human being, I will go so far as to admit that due to my inherent insecurities and need for affirmation, its getting harder and harder to be verbal about my Christianity without feeling obnoxious or self-conscious (like, right now). What complicates this issue even more is my love for those outside of the Christian faith and for those who are "walking the line" so to speak. I want to be around these people more than I do with Christians. Well, in a way that wants to demonstrate to them how amazing it really is to be loved and be in love with Jesus and all that He is/will be. And that living for God is not about legalism but about wanting to live for Him because He loves us so much. I just want to show them that I'm not crazy...and that a majority of Christians are actual people, with actual problems, that we don't live in "la-la" land and have an answer/formula for everything and it is a day to day struggle to live by faith.

And is it bad to say that I think Jesus cares more about how we love people and how we reach out to others than how many worship songs we sing, or how many bible studies we attend?

I know that my place is not within the comfortable Christian bubble, but it's not easy at all to walk outside of it. And yes, it makes me uneasy and insecure because I love Jesus, but I'm still quite human...that part never really goes away...well, not until I D-I-E...

HAHAHAHA

the japanese have developed a new technique to help people learn english...

Blogger Confessional.

Confession: I devoured an entire season of Project Runway last night instead of doing anything that resembled productivity. Who wants to do homework on a Friday night when I can watch people max out their creative potential by making amazing fashion forward pieces in 24-48 hours?



And I think I may burn at the stake for saying this but I think Jesus was ok with it.

Wait, shouldn't I know this already?

I found the following passage very encouraging/convicting. It's an excerpt from Martin-Lloyd Jones's book, Spiritual Depression: it's causes and cure. D. Martin-Lloyd Jones is the man. Or a man. But he's a wise one for a sure.

"Do not think in terms of bargains and rights in the kingdom of God. That is absolutely fatal. There is nothing so wrong as the spirit which argues because I do this, or because I have done that, I have a right to expecting something because I have done that, I have a right to expect something else in return. This is met with frequently. I know very good evangelical people, who seem to be thinking like that. 'Now,' they say, 'if we pray for certain things, we are bound to have them, for instance if we pray all night for revival we must have revival.' I have sometimes described this as the 'penny in the slot' idea of Christianity. You put in your coin and you draw out a bar of chocolate or whatever else you want...

...but that surely is to deny the whole principle which our LORD is teaching. I do not care what it is, whether prayer or anything else, in no respect must I ever argue that because I do something I am entitled to get something--never. And of course the principle can be seen to be true in practice...

...Let us get rid of this bargaining spirit, that if I do this then that will happen... The Holy Spirit is LORD, and He is a sovereign LORD. He sends these things in His own time and His own way. In other words we must realize that we have no right to do anything at all...even rewards are of grace. He need not give them, and if you think you can determine and predict how they are to come you will be quite wrong. Everything is of grace in the Christian life from the very beginning to the very end. To think in terms of bargains and to murmur at results, implies a distrust of Him, and we need to watch our own spirits lest we harbour the thought that He is not dealing with us justly and fairly.

If you start in that way you end by robbing yourself. I like the way in which our LORD teaches that. If you strike a bargain with God, well then it is almost certain that you will just get your bargain and no more...O Christian friends, do not make bargains with God. If you do, you will get only your bargain; but if you leave it to His grace, you will probably get more than you ever thought of. Of the Pharisees our LORD says: 'Verily they have seen their reward.' They do these things in order to be seen of men; they are seen of men, that is what they wanted and that is all they will get, they will get no more..."

The beginning of the end?

It's so hard to cut the cord...

I've been so intertwined with the interWEB since my early teenage years that now, when faced with the challenge to dismantle my blog, my facebook and anything else that might connect me to the internet, it's so hard to just leave and turn my back on all of this.

Whoa. Cue dramatic music, right? But am I really the only person who's wanted to disappear off the radar for an unset amount of time? Aside from my email, do I really need all this extra-curricular stuff to fill my time with?

I've already begun my weaning "phase." I deactivated my facebook a couple of days ago. It's weird. I mean, this isn't the first time I've done it (the last time alluding to an unfortunate breakup with an ex-boyfriend). This time, I've really felt like it made sense. For the last few months, facebook has lost its taste in my mouth. I've become disinterested in it and have only checked my facebook out of habit. That's what scared me, I suppose and made me finally walk away (let's hope this walking away lasts longer than 6 months this time...) And yes, it is a social network. It is a good way to keep in touch with people. But lately, I've been exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of people I try to hang on to and keep in touch with. Frankly, I get attached to way too many people. I'd like to think that if God were to ever cross our paths again, we can greet each other with a hug and still think fondly of one another...even if we don't write on each other's facebook walls every week. I don't mean to offend anyone. It's just the truth (and really, how many of my 687 friends were really my friends? and how many of them did I just stalk anyway?)

I think this "virtual" makeover kick is somehow associated with the driving force to move on with my life. I've realized that there are many things that hold me back and I don't want them to anymore. There's also something appealing about disappearing and becoming less accessible to whoever, whenever; because if people really did want to know and care about my life, they would really take the time to ask me. It's something that I want to be intentional about, too.

But it is hard to just break away from the internet. As you can see, my blog is still up and running.

A.D.H.D

I may be THE most...easily distracted, un-focused person that I know. Do you, beloved reader, want to know how I got to my blog and started writing this post? Well, it was purely unintentional and part of a tangled web of "sidetrackings" that originated from me trying to initiate a journal entry on my much neglected, Target-bought, leather-bound, private, for "Linell's Eyes Only" journal.

Let me retrace my steps that led me to this very moment: I opened my journal, which I haven't written in since December 6th, 2009 for various reasons--mainly avoidance-- and managed to write the date on the top right hand corner. All of a sudden, I remembered that I should write something in my planner (lest I forget), and as I opened to the specific date in question, I discovered a potential conflict! I, therefore, logged onto Facebook to write on my friend's wall, to let her know of the potential conflict and to ask if she could reschedule for a later time (I would phone her or text her, but since her return from Dublin, Ireland she has no access to a phone and Facebook has become her only connection to her friends/family). And as I was on facebook, I managed to see a friend's posting about a trip to Fresh & Easy, which reminded me of my new affinity for the lemon & cilantro hummus that I just purchased from that same grocery store this week. Of course, I felt like I needed to let the world know (and the fact that the name Fresh & Easy immediately causes me to hum Outkast's "So Fresh, So Clean" repeatedly in my head, or outloud, for an unknown length of time)--and I changed my facebook status to tell everyone that I loved lemon & cilantro hummus and it's bizarre connection to hip-hop in my mind. By the time I had finished my facebook status update, I remembered that a friend from Santa Barbara is coming to visit this weekend, so I wanted to look on his facebook to see what his plans were. This led me to a post from another friend, who had posted something on his facebook wall, announcing that she had a new blog. This made me think of my own blog and how I should add her to my list of "Blogs I read" but then managed to forget all that as I found the need to post something about my shameless distractibility and failure to stay focused on one task at hand.

Sigh. This is a common occurence in my life. It's 30% funny, but 70% frustrating and is a detriment to my desire to be a vessel of discipline and productivity. But, I'm not throwing my hat in just yet. No way, Mr. Jose. They always say that the first step to growth and change is realizing that there is a problem. And my friends, I have a HUGE problem.

Well, now that I'm all journaled out... I think it's time to post-pone my other journal entry (on my other journal) once again. Instead, I will indulge in some hummus and crackers and watch a few episodes of Smallville.

Thank you and goodnight.

Another semester begins...

School started yesterday. It was slightly overwhelming because it was a drastic change in my brain activity level--it was like going from zero to 60mph in 10 seconds. By the end of the day, I already felt like I was halfway through the semester...but it was only the first day! AH! Nursing school owns my life.

Not that I'm complaining, though I will admit that I am kind of freaking out. However, I am thoroughly excited for what this semester holds. My first clinical rotation, at the Children's Hospital of Orange County, makes me squeal with delight. I love children so much and I can't wait to get started. I know that this semester will have it's own unique joys and challenges, but I say... bring it on.

With the start of every semester--especially in these last two years--I tend to look back and wonder how I managed to make it through without spontaneously combusting. Last semester was the most difficult semester thus far, in terms of academic work load and emotional hardships. But I somehow made it through, even though there were days when the painfulness of it all almost consumed my world in darkness. Yeesh. I was really humbled in a way that the only person who mattered the most, the only person who was the most clear to me, whose love became more tangible and more real on a day to day basis was...God.

I know that I'm not completely in the clear of all the things that happened a few months ago. There are remnances that linger that kind of help me understand the whole "thorn in my side" idea that the Apostle Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12. These "thorns" seem to be gentle nudges, constant reminders of my weakness and my need to be completely dependent on God, and how the entirety of my will needs to be surrendered to His. It's become so strange to me that I see this kind of pain as something so good...something that encourages me so much when I take the time to remember how much more God matters.

Thus says the LORD:
'Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool; what is the house that you would build for me, and what is the place of my rest? All these things my hand has made, and so all these things came to be, declares the LORD. But this is the one to whom I will look; he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.

[Isaiah 66: 1-2]