Truest Joy

the subject of Christian joy can be tricky. some would say that Christian joy does not necessarily mean exuberant happiness on a day to day basis, but more like an undercurrent amidst life's unfairness and trials--somehow rationalizing the "doom and gloom" that many serious Christians tend to have--therefore explaining away their palpable depression and misery. and then there's the other end of the spectrum that Christian "joy" can tend to be intentionally or unintentionally fake, overtly contrived to compensate for something unseen, or unrealized. i have seen/experienced both manifestations of Christian joy and i must admit that neither are satisfactory. and for some time, i tried to neutralize myself to the elusiveness of it all, by trying to pretend like i didn't care. but the truth of the matter is that there must be the truest joy, a matter that the holy spirit has been prompting my heart to seek after--i cannot settle for neutrality in this matter.

but how can one have the Truest Joy without contriving it, or seeking happiness as a means to an end? is there really something so wrong about enjoying life to it's fullest, within the context of a Christian's pursuit of God and holiness?

i am reading a book by Martin Lloyed-Jones titled Spiritual Depression: It's causes and Cures, and he has a theory--well, actually, he has a few, but this one really stood out to me:

The particular trouble with which we are dealing tends...to be common among those who have been brought up in a religious manner...it is more likely to affect those who have been brought up in Christian homes and families...there are many such people who seem to go right through their lives in the way described by Shakespeare as 'bound in shallows and in miseries.'They are in the realm of the Church and very interested in Christian things; and yet when you compare them with the New Testament description of the new man in Christ you see at once that there is a great difference. Indeed they themselves see that, and this is often the main cause of their depression and their unhappiness....they are what I would call miserable Christians, simply because they have not understood the way of salvation, and for that reason all their beliefs and efforts have been more less useless. They often concentrate on the question of sanctification, but it does not help them because they have not yet understood justification.
...This confusion is an old trouble. In a sense it is the masterpiece of Satan. He will even encourage us to be righteous as long as he has us confused at this point. That he is doing so at present time is clear from the fact that the average person in the Church seems to regard men as Christian simply because they do good works.

i would tend to agree with mr. jones. i believe this theory sufficiently explains the trouble of the miserable Christian and the one who feels the need to fake their joy, for lack of it. and really, a miserable Christian and one who needs to fake joy, are one in the same. it is the problem of externals. why must we feel that we need to prove ourselves to others when we have the absolute approval of the One who matters the most? The LORD has never asked us, nor expected us, to prove ourselves to Him in order to receive His love and blessing. He has accepted us completely, in our sinfulness and imperfections, and has given us the sole reason to have pure, unadulterated joy. In this context, it is important to consider: That while we were sinners, Christ died for us and that God's love is incomprehensibly, undeniably, UNCONDITIONAL--unaffected by what we do or not do.

But still the question remains, how can we, then, have the truest joy? how can we practically attain something that seems so elusive? Well, this is what God has been teaching me over the last three years (which i'm sure is only the beginning). It has been a long season of trials and adversity, hardships and heartwrenching changes. I have experienced many a low points, misery at some points and sometimes even contrived joy. But still my lowest, most bleak point had to come before I emerged, only by God's amazing grace, with a new and profound understanding of His love and His desire to have a deep, loving relationship with me. It has been said "You must be miserable before you can know true Christian joy." And I find this to be so true. This life is ultimately not about what I do, but about enjoying a relationship with Him. In order to be effective in ministry, it must come from a heart, overflowing with love for Christ! Not guilt, or a sense of obligation attached to other people's expectations. One cannot understand the love of Christ by working for it. One can never cook enough meals, or attend enough bible studies or lead enough hours of worship. We must enjoy our relationship with God, for the sake of who He is, in order to enjoy life and all that He has for us to do in this life. And enjoying God is a continual practice of seeking His presence in every moment of every day. To find ourselves centered on who He is, reminding ourselves of His blessings. That is the truest joy. There can be so much more to say, but since this post is already so long, I think that my particular journey, especially in these last few weeks, can be summed up in this paragraph:

There is not a world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God. Those only can comprehed it who practice and experience it; yet I do not advise you to do it from that motive. It is not pleasure which we ought to seek in this exercise; but let us do it from a principle of love and because God would have us...

Second Letter

excerpt from The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

In a conversation...with a person of piety, he told me the spiritual life was a life of grace, which begins with servile fear, which is increased by hope of eternal life...consummated by pure love, that each of these states had its different stages, by which one arrives at last at that blessed consummation.

I have not followed all these methods. On the contrary, from I know not what instincts, I found they discouraged me. This was the reason why, at my entrance into religion, I took a resolution to give myself up to God, at the best return I could make for His love, and for the love of Him, to renounce all besides.

For the first year I commonly employed myself...with the thought of death, judgment, heaven, hell and my sins...such was my beginning, and yet I must tell you that for the first 10 years I suffered much. The apprehension that I was not devoted to God as I wished to be, my past sins always present to my mind, and the great unmerited favors which God did me, were the matter and source of my sufferings. During this time I fell often, and rose again presently. It seemed to me that all creatures, reason and God Himself were against me, and faith alone for me. I was troubled sometimes with thoughts that to believe I had received such favors was an effect of my presumption, which pretended to be at once where others arrive with difficulty; at other times, it was a willful delusion, and that there was no salvation for me.

When I thought of nothing but to end my days in these troubles (which did not at all diminish the trust I had in God and which served only to increase my faith), I found myself changed all at once; and my soul, which till that time was in trouble, felt a profound inward peace, as if she were in her center and place of rest.

Ever since that time I walked before God, simply, in faith with humility and with love, and I apply myself diligently to do nothing and think nothing which may displease Him....

...when I apply myself to prayer, I feel all my spirit and all my soul lift itself up without any care or effort of mine and it continues as it were suspended and firmly fixed in God, as in its center and place of rest. I know that some charge this state with inactivity, delusion and self-love...yet I cannot bear that this should be called delusion, because the soul which thus enjoys God desires herein nothing but Him. If this be delusion in me, it belongs to God to remedy it. Let Him do what He pleases with me; I desire only Him and to be wholly devoted to Him.

Beautiful Mercy

Thank you, Kendra Bailey for sharing this song with me.

Beautiful Mercy by Laura Hackett

There is no pitt too deep
that Jesus cannot reach

there is no sorrow too strong
that will overtake his beloved ones

And He's brought me to the wilderness
where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean
Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
where I will learn to sing
and He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean

so kind, oh beautiful mercy
do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do (You know the best way)
oh Beautiful Mercy
do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
do what you have to do

So I will sing
yes, I will sing

even in the brokenness
I will sing
even in this loneliness

O Come All Ye Faithful

These thingies are always fun.... and I know that it's 8:15 in the morning, which is kind of pathetic. Whatever. I do what I want. I'm done for the semester. Yip!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.

Your Artist: So Elated

Are you male or female: Lucky Ones

Describe yourself: Why I Need You

How do you feel about yourself: Not Complete

Describe where you currently live: Exit Door

The first thing you think of when you wake up: Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Eastern Star

Your favorite form of transportation: Shepherds And Angels

Your best friend is: Stick With You

Your favorite color is: Greensleeves

What's the weather like: It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: The Ache of Going Without

What is life to you: Open My Heart With Knives

What is the best advice you have to give: Redemption

If you could change your name, what would it be: The First Noel

How you would like to die: Viral (The Incapable Rival)

Your soul's present condition: Why I Need You

The faults you can bear: Creep

How would you describe your love life: Strangers

What are you going to post this as: O Come All Ye Faithful

for more stuff by this artist click here. I really enjoy them. Their style is reminiscent of most indie/experimental/folk artists, which I love because their sound is unique from most Christian artists. And their lyrics speak to and addresses the reality of living a life of faith as broken people in this broken world.

hmm. yes.

an excerpt from a Job study guide (the context of the following paragraph is how Job expressed himself freely, not holding his emotions back, when He spoke with God about his suffering [Job 7:7-21; 9:14-10:7] and how Scripture encourages us to "pour out our hearts to God." [psalm 62:8]):

...Sometimes anger can mean we are outgrowing a concept of God that is no longer adequate. That was surely the case with Jonah who was angry that God did not live up to Jonah's expectations as a just judge of Ninevites [Jonah 4:1,4,9).

Mike Mason says, 'The difference between believers and unbelievers is that while the former argue on speaking terms with the LORD, the latter do so by turning their backs and giving Him the silent treatment...Anger may be used by God to break up a spirit of complacency...our anger functions to move us closer to God as He really is. Religious phonies will go to almost any length to hide the fact that their relationship with God is not real or satisfying. But people who truly love the LORD have a consuming hunger for reality."

studying in between daydreams...

maybe it's because of the enormous pressure that i've been feeling lately to become a competent nurse by the time I graduate (in three semesters!) that i've turned to dreaming about non-nursing related things that I could be doing for the rest of my life to cope with the stress. Or maybe it's just part of my "jack-of-all-trades" frame of mind--which means that i have a varied interest in...things: I enjoy playing guitar/writing music, i love art, i get giddy about sitting in various coffee shops, drinking from "for here" cups, i love cooking, i love photography, children, i enjoy the vocation of nursing, i have great interest in fashion & interior design, and in the culinary arts, i love traveling... and the list goes on. There must be a reason why God put all those interests inside me. I'm sure they're supposed to come together in some way, shape or form...

so today, in between reading/studying the primary interventions for a burn patient and my roast beef and swiss sandwich-- i came up with the "perfect" life: I would be a nurse by day (or 3 days of the week), of course, but I would eventually have a music therapy clinic, while also co-owning a coffee shop in which my children would help/work in (if they were of age, of course, and if they wanted to, this wouldn't be an infringement of any child labor laws, at all--though i would highly encourage work. i think kids would enjoy that sort of thing, plus it supposedly teaches them responsibility). Did I forget to mention that I went to culinary school in between the establishment of my music therapy clinic and the coffee shop (where I would host different shows/performances and invite my clients from the clinic to attend to these performances). Anyways, because I would be a graduate from culinary school, I would make amazing gourmet meals for my family & friends (for fun and for special occasions: church potlucks, birthdays, etc.) And sometime in between or after culinary school and my coffee-shop, I would record a CD and proceeds from the CD would go to different missionaries and maybe fund some sort of organization that will sponsor a mission trip I would take someday where I will use music therapy in conjuction with my nursing skills to bring Jesus and wholistic healing to the culture/people I encounter on said mission trip. I would also have the time of my life decorating my coffee shop, my clinic and my very own home--while borrowing ideas from places like Anthropologie and Pottery Barn. And I would be the sort of mom that would take lots and lots of pictures of her family and put them up on a blog, or around my home...

Though, reality still likes to penetrate even the thickest and foggiest of daydreams--I probably would have to have my school loans paid off before any of this could happen, if it could ever happen. HAH. ew.

Sigh. Wouldn't that be cool if life did turn out the way we plan it? Maybe some things will come true. It is exciting to think about what God has planned for my life. I have a new found openness to wherever He'll take me, or have me do with the time on Earth He has given me. I firmly believe--with all my heart--that He gives us the desires of our hearts, though, it's only through His perfect timing that these things come about.

Ok. study break over.

Holiday bliss.

instant joy. that's what comes to mind when i think of christmas. my inner child can't seem to keep herself under control these days. i find that i enjoy making sugar cookies and decorating them, while consuming large amounts of frosting in the process. To add to my list of things that keep my inner child happy: the cold weather (40 degrees in Southern California is a BIG deal...don't hate.) hot chocolate with marshmallows. lots and lots of marshmallows. peppermint candy canes. peppermint white mocha in those red starbucks cups that come out only for the holidays. trees with lights. listening to the Elf soundtrack. listening to Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas" on repeat and unashamedly dancing along with it. singing "O Holy Night" at the top of my lungs. thinking of baby Jesus in the manger, wondering (a) if he ever did cry (b) what sort of thing did they use for diapers in those days.

speaking of baby Jesus, singing songs like "Away in A Manger" have been quick to bring tears to my eyes, especially this part:

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray

Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to heaven
To live with Thee there

sigh. I LOVE this time of year.

pajama kid

most kids stay at home on saturday mornings, either to sleep in from a busy week of school and recess, or to sit in front of the television with a bowl of cereal watching cartoons.

but not pajama kid.

pajama kid forgoes the age-old tradition of Saturday morning cartoons and comes to Starbucks with his mother. He wears his floor length navy-blue fuzzy bathrobe, complete with fuzzy teddy bear slippers and his stuffed spotted leopard shark snuggled nicely in his left arm. His red hair epitomizes the meaning of "bed-head."

I watch pajama kid with great interest and amusement as he bounces up and down with excitement, his eyes gleaming with pure joy as his mother orders him a Venti vanilla bean frappuccino with whipped cream. He holds his mother's hand tightly and snuggles his messy little head in his mothers arm--completely unbeknownst to him that his warddrobe and fuzzy slippers make him stick out like a sore-thumb. Not that he would care. Oh, the days of blissful ignorance.

I find this whole situation endearing and I'm not entirely sure as to why. Maybe it's because I like that it seems that the kid is not being held to the same social standards that I find myself bound and obligated to uphold--i.e., he gets to wear his pajamas to public places and I don't. I admire his mother for risking her reputation of being a "good mother," by taking her kid to Starbucks and ordering him a vanilla bean frappuccino at 9:00 in the morning. And I would like to give her the benefit of a doubt that this ritual is not a regular occurence--judging from the excited/spastic nature of the child in question and his obvious endearment of his mother. But I like this "ritual," or this tradition, where for one morning the child and his child-like nature is exemplified, nurtured and adored, by allowing space for his natural affinity for soft, fuzzy things and sugary foods.

Giddy?

A warm feeling just rushed over me. Maybe it's because I'm drinking a peppermint hot chocolate from a "for here" mug at Starbucks--I love "for here" mugs.

Or maybe because, for some unexplainable reason, God has decided to bless me today with the very real realization that He loves me a whole lot. Duh, right? I mean I know that in my head. It's not quite as often that I feel like my heart is about to burst within me because I actually believe it. I feel like I've gained some ground in attempting to understand the infinite love of God.

The best part about this whole giddy feeling is that it feels like a gift. Like something I totally don't deserve. I appreciate it so much right now because a week ago it seemed like I had forgotten about the love of God and the love of others. It's something that I'm continually learning--a life lesson that I hope will never get old. God can take me to the lowest of valleys, but is faithful to reveal to me what matters the most: Himself.

God is showing me that my love for him should not be contingent on the good things in my life. I know that God wants me to be dependent on him apart from blessings, or when life seems to be running smoothly.

So, today is a good day. I'm having a good day. I am enjoying it. But, I'm not in Heaven yet. And the reality of life means that there are more lessons to learn, more frigid seasons to weather, more darkness to endure.

But today is a very good day.

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.