Jesus loves the normal people.

This is, like, an unending point of discussion between me, my counselor/therapist, Jesus, and anyone within earshot when my mind boils over with the audacity of it all. I've probably blogged about this subject a million times: I would really love to break out of this mentality that only the super-spiritual ones get all of God's love (or is at least the ones who seem to be serving God the best in their obedience)...you know, the one's who read their bible twice a day and carry it around like it's their spiritual security blanket, or the one's who lead worship or are involved in ministry or church in umpteenth-billion ways, or the missionary woman who's admired so much for her celibate lifestyle and how she reaches out to Muslims in areas of the world that are considered "unsafe."

I honestly believe that 90% of Christians still don't understand, nor truly view God as an unconditional and loving God. 90% of Christians still have a hard time just...letting go of their lives and fully accepting their sinfulness and quirky personalities. I think their "buts" get in the way: "but God is Holy and perfect and He expects His people to live according to His standards," "but we're supposed to be set apart," "but shall we sin so that grace may abound," or "but we don't deserve anything good." and etc. While it's all true, I think people forget that they cannot change the true nature of who they are from the outside-in, that in order to truly be holy and set apart, we must allow God to change us from the inside-out. And while we don't deserve anything good, grace has nothing to do with what we do or didn't do. Dwelling on what we don't deserve certainly has a propensity to propel us to living life conditionally because of feelings of guilt, or maybe false humility (or pride) that won't allow ourselves to accept something that has nothing to do with our merit(s). And if we have to be neurotic about continually checking ourselves to make sure our motives are always right, or whether we're sinning or not... then that's just an exhausting way to live. It's definitely not what I think "freedom in Christ" means. But, more importantly, living that way possibly indicates that there's a serious disconnect in our minds about what grace truly is and maybe we think that we can actually be perfect...

I wrote a poem a couple of days ago trying to describe that thing that humans do because we have a hard time really facing and accepting our ugliness. I think we do eventually realize the enormous amounts of ugly we have in our lives and we find ourselves at a crossroad. We choose to either cover up our faults through various and elaborate ways, or we accept who we are and accept that God accepts us for who we are. It's easier said than done, I know, because this sort of acceptance is unnerving. To really trust that God will love us for who we are is a truly vulnerable place to be. It probably feels like standing naked in front of an auditorium filled with plastic surgeons. It's uncomfortable and yes, possibly awkward.

For the sake of sounding perfectly redundant, because He does love us, we merely have to allow ourselves to believe and let go that He will change us. And while followers of Jesus Christ certainly have their responsibility to be obedient, we also need to be honest with ourselves and with God. What relationship has ever been considered healthy and has flourished and grown in the presence of dishonesty and denial?

I just want to get it. And I want other people to get it so they can stop pressuring me and everyone else around them to act like they're perfect and "so spiritual." Obviously, I'm kind of cynical, so take this with a grain of salt. I just want people to be real with God and one another about their misfires and misconceptions. Thankfully, I have found myself in a situation where I do encounter the reality of trying to live for Jesus in this broken and fallen world. And even in this reality, I still have a hard time accepting God's love... but it is what it is.

I pray that His grace will grow more clearer to me as I stumble through the reality of His love. It's especially good to think about it this week, since it is "Holy Week." And when Sunday rolls around, I do hope that our joy is not contrived, but something deep and real, that Easter is not just a tradition, or "that thing that we do on Sunday right before the easter egg hunt." It's the freakin' resurrection of Christ, upon which all our hope is supposed to be dependent on.

Carded.

whatever this phase of life is--i've recently decided to hang up any more presumptive thoughts or pressing "why's" and "why not's"--it's a perfect catalyst for the conception of ideas (i.e. more cards):

"hummingbird fly"

(a close up: newsprint wings. my favorite.)

"hello."--this card was inspired by "where the wild things are," which is weird because (a) i haven't seen the movie and (b) I don't remember the book being quite so cheerful. but i had friendly monsters with large teeth in mind when i was making this card...





i can't decide if this is a just a sort of "not your average peacock" card, or a "Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey" card, or maybe it's just a perfect hybrid-- the turkpock:








...last and not least, inspired by my love for coffee and newsprint and Africa and World-Market.







maybe, if I don't get married, instead of being a seamstress, or an eccentric old woman who fills her lonely life with cats, i can make cards. yes, that is what i'll do. make cards and send them out to random people that i find in the phonebook.

it has been decided.

the Portrait.

"For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more."
-Jeremiah 31:34-

a portrait of anything,
overflows with true nature of
whatever it is
that it parodies.

our self portraits betrays
our truly hideous subliminals:
for we are ugly,
ugly in our bitterness,
ugly in our insecurity,
ugly in our love for money,
ugly in our pursuit of instant gratification,
ugly in our self-love.
ugly in our hatred.

but vain are we,
in our ravenous hunt for acquiescense.
frivolously painting over the ugly parts,
to hide our insufferable essence.

inevitability presumes the erosion and decay
of these self-made portraits, for even indestructible
mountains are worn away by the winds and its seasons.

only that which we had worked so hard to conceal remain;
tenacious anchors of the fabricated assumptions
of who we thought we were.
and when only the hideous remains,
the pursuit of love and acceptance evolves
to despair,
for who will love us in our ugliness?

Song of the Week

...and word of the week: "Cad"

(close second: "rascal" and third, "rove...")

A preview of things to come...

Lately, I've gotten into card-making...

(i apologize for the pictures. in lieu of a camera, I settled on using photobooth on my Mac. I wish that the images weren't reversed. So dumb.)

A series of Thank You cards:



owl.






newspaper tree.












envelope for newspaper-tree card.





a random "I Miss You" card:




(i love those letter stamps. hate that it's backwards. guhr.)





s'more Thank You cards:


this one was inspired by Ernest Hemingway's The Old Man & The Sea. since the details are hard to see: the blue paper is super-imposed over newsprint, then I used an exacto-knife to cut out the image of the a sailboat in the ocean, with a flock of seagulls soaring above. it's one of my favorites.

this one makes me feel happy and sunny inside.







hey, if you like them, let me know! I am planning to sell some cards on etsy.com sometime in the near future. But if you would like me to make a more personalized set, I would love to do it for you (shameless plug, heh). No, but honestly, card-makin' keeps me sane. So really, it's an investment going towards my emotional well-being.

toodles.

I dream of Philosophy...

I was parusing through a unitarian universalist website--in my own efforts to expand and build on my knowledge of the different things that people believe-- when I came across this quote:

"Different People. Different Beliefs. One Faith." --Unitarian Universalists, the Uncommon Denomination.

Now I pose a question, to myself, to the general public and to the unitarians that may come across my blog someday... I find that there's a problem with that quote. Though, I know it envokes the warm and fuzzies for those looking for unconditional love and acceptance and I hate to burst the bubble of optimistic ideals, but I'm not quite certain how different beliefs equal one faith. One Buddhist, one Confusionist and one Christian equals three people with equally different beliefs. I mean, it's a basic mathematical dilemma, isn't it? 1+1+1 = 3, not 1.

I may be biased due to the fact that I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, but I'm also not completely ignorant, I know that there's more to this quote than its literal meaning. Unitarian Universalists seek to unite all the peoples of the earth regardless of what they choose to believe and I do think that they have created a very successful and strategic way of doing just that. This time period that we live in is a time where much of the population of this earth do not know much about the Bible and it's trendy and hip to be tolerant of anything and everyone (except for Christians because they are seemingly the most intolerable group of people to encounter). I think those things are a direct effect of the fact there is a general distrust of objective Truth. Since believing in an objective Truth would eventually point to one God, who is supposedly good and just, it's much easier, or safer to say that he doesn't exist, than to try to live in a reality where a good God allows or plans for bad things to happen. I think that the Universalists are actually aware of what I've come to call as the "unbearable contradiction" and this is why they allow/encourage people to believe whatever they want about God, whatever helps them cope with all that life throws at them. In this way, the universalists offer hope in the form of unconditional love and acceptance.

Unfortunately, I think this kind of hope backfires on them. I mean, it may meet the needs of their congregation for the time being, but can hope really be firmly planted in a whirlwind of uncertainties? I imagine a stubborn little child, or an immature pre-teen, shutting their eyes and covering their ears, screaming la-la-la, when the obvious rears its ugly head, then saying "If I can't see you, then you're not really there!" Offering love and acceptance now cannot possibly answer the question of what happens after we die, nor does it make the "unbearable contradiction" really, truly go away.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that. I was doing some homework,
but was side tracked because I love thinking about this. I played with the idea of minoring in Philosophy at Biola because I had enough credits that transferred in from my previous college, but to what end? I think this is more of a hobby for me and couldn't do it as a career. It would drive me crazy, I think...I mean, look at what happened to Nietzsche.

(Wow...now, I'm even making Philosophy jokes. Geeez. Nerd.)











Ok, back to cultural competence and implications on childbearing education.

The Caffeinated Optimist

Yesterday, I denied myself of my usual cup of coffee. As the day progressed, my mind grew foggier, my mood destabilized and by the end of the night, I had a raging headache and I hated my life (the weekend long power outage on my block and the fact that my car was stuck in the garage for two days because of lack of the power outage--and lack of upper body strength and male friends to help me lift the garage door manually--may have added to my grumpyness).

Today, I had my cup of coffee and life couldn't be better. It's funny but sad that my hope seems to be contingent on how much caffeine is in my system. Yikes. I've tried to wean myself off it, but it's nearly impossible while I'm in nursing school. But I made the most of my sudden burst of happyness and made plans for a productive summer: making cards and selling them on etsy.com, taking a sewing class, saving up for a Disneyland annual pass and possibly taking on a hip-hop class on top of working 10 or more hours a week. Yesterday, I also felt an impending sense of doom regarding a huge test that I have tomorrow based on the most confusing material I have yet to encounter (i.e Mechanical Ventilation). Today, I'm thinking that maybe a C on the test wouldn't be so bad. Not that I'm aiming for a C, but at least I know it won't be the end of the world.

What else is good? The weather: 73 beautiful degrees and the glorious sunshine. And food: Chik-Fil-A.

Glorious.

Sunny Saturdays

I'm not really inspired to write about much, except that it's a beautiful morning. The sun is out and it's a wonderful 69 degrees outside. It feels almost like a sin to be sitting inside--but I know that I wouldn't be able to do anything productive if I tried to "study" outdoors. I'm settling for the next best thing: I opened the blinds and the screen door in our apartment to invite the sun--and the rest of the outside world-- in.

I am also enjoying this--M.Ward (featuring Zooey Deschannel) "Rave On:"

Relief.

Whenever I hear this song, I just seem to breathe a little easier. It's a classic. (Don't mind the cheesy pictures)...


At Last (cover) by Eva Cassidy

Tozer and Psychodynamic Therapy

If Tozer were alive today, I think he and I would be able to have an intelligent conversation about the benefits of Christianity-infused psychotherapy. And this is why:

"That our idea of God correspond as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. Compared with our actual thoughts about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence. Our real idea of God lie buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and rigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what it is" [A.W. Tozer]

Song of the week.

her songs overflow with passion. it's why i love her.

Breakthrough Tuesdays.

One of most refreshing (and annoying) aspects of this life we live is the constant of change-- we human beings are like play-doh in the hands of a determined, over-achiever.

Change is exciting. It's frightening and gut-wrenching. It's exhausting and rewarding and painful.

I had a breakthrough today. I realized that I was fighting this weird, internal battle, where, in the realms of my imagination I had strategically set up my own enemies. They threatened to take hold and destroy my new found freedom. I wasn't going to let them. I built my defenses, readied my weapons. Little did I know, that no one was really out to get me.

I have changed a lot over the last few years: I've learned to take ownership of my personality, my wants, my needs, my struggles and my personal victories. I've learned a lot about God and His unconditional love. I've learned that I need not constantly stress myself out about my intentions, or whether my heart is in the right place. I've learned that I need not explain myself or validate my every action. I am sure that God is pleased with my desire to please Him, and I am sure that He doesn't expect me to be perfect and is not surprised when I mess up (keyword here is "when.") I've learned to breathe. I've learned to trust. I've learned to suffer. I've learned that there's no hurry in living. Jesus knew all about that, because He's a genius after all. He told us to take things one day at a time. I've really taken that and have tattooed it into my heart.

These things [that I've learned] don't always translate to my "old" life (oh, the joys of moving away). It's hard to grow up being a certain way and work so hard to meet everyone else's expectations in order to find life acceptable, or to find oneself acceptable/love/wanted by others. The weird thing about that is that I was doing those things under the guise of living passionately and intentionally for God. The irony is that it was all in vain--I was really just living for myself.

Anyway, it's hard when people, from my previous "life," aren't able to understand that change or growth and are unable to see past the person they thought they've always known. At least this has been my basic assumption, though, I don't think it's really too far off from the truth. Whatever. The point is none of these people are my enemies. There is no actual war between us.

Yeah, so...today was one of those "come full circle" types of days--Thank you, Jesus (again). I'm beginning to really understand that it's ok to not see eye to eye with everyone; it's virtually impossible when people are standing on various sides of a mountain--people can only see with their own eyes a small part of the "big" picture and their respective points of view are going to be a little different from the next.

And that is ok. It really, really is.

Mondays.

nothing quite curbs that itching feeling to blog something significant than seeing that I have no comments on my previous post. is it wrong/petty to want some sort of affirmation that there are people out there who actually read my blog?

(this sudden burst of emotional tattle is an aftermath of recently consuming a tall, iced, upside-down caramel macchiato with soy. but i can't always blame caffeine for everything, but it does contribute greatly to the the "unfiltering" that happens whenever its in my system).

anyway...

today, in clinicals (a.k.a. unpaid hours spent at the local children's hospital in Orange County to practice/learn nursing skills from actual nurses), there was a little boy who had to have his entire bladder removed because he had bladder cancer. so where does the urine go, you ask? good question. they [as in the surgeons] re-sectioned his bowel to create a pouch that is then attached to his ureters (the "pipes" that come out of the kidney and carries urine to the bladder). long story short: they "made" him a new bladder out of parts he already had! obviously, this is a very loose-ended explanation of the procedure, if you're interested in reading more about it, go here: Ileal Conduit Surgery. long story short: this little boy had tubes coming out of him to drain the urine for the time being while his insides healed. I know that this scenario is traumatic for an adult and would be even more so for an 8 year old--but the little snot also had the worst attitude ever. He was very demanding and ordered his parents around like they were his personal slaves. It was kind of disheartening to watch. I guess as parents, it's hard to correct their child's disrespective behavior after he's gone through so much. And one might tag me as a "hard-ass" for saying this, but, bladder or no bladder, my child will never be allowed to call me "stupid mom" when he doesn't get his way.

to end on a funny note: i started work today at Kumon Learning Center as a learning center assistant (imagine that...). you know, it was interesting to observe the effect I had on pre-pubescent boys. the main teacher, Ms. Muse, kept having to tell them to pay attention. then she asked me to stand in the back, and grade papers. i couldn't help but feel she was sort of, shoving me out of sight. sigh. if only i had the same sort of problem with post-pubescent men.

oh well.

Awkward... happens.

My life:

1. Recently, I received a random text message from a "mystery man" from my hometown of Fresno. He claims that he had found my number in his phone and he was wondering if he knew me. Without revealing too much of my own identity, and knowing how to ask the right questions, I discovered that he was a 25-year old Latino, who works at the same hospital that my mom does (he's an ER nurse), he grew up in Monterrey, California and he goes to People's Church (which is about a couple blocks or so down from a church I used to go to). Using my mother as a source, I had her investigate this phenomenon and I found out that Mystery Man actually checked out to be who he said he was. I am a naturally curious person and therefore continued to reply to Mystery Man's text for another day or so. However, it wasn't very long until it became very apparent that Mystery Man was insecure and required constant affirmation from a stranger he didn't even know. Mystery Man also hinted several times that he felt that our "meeting" was "god-ordained" and that maybe we were "meant to be."

yeah. That was the end of that.

2. My little condo was due to be cleaned today by yours truly and I like listen to hip hop music while I clean. Since it was a nice day, we only had our metal screen door closed to allow some "fresh" air in. "Soldier" by Destiny's Child came on as I was in the middle of mopping our wooden floors in the dining room and I started to "get my groove on." It was about half way through the song, when amidst my dancing I heard a male voice say "Knock-knock?" I twirled around, semi-shocked and thoroughly horrified, and saw my roommates' attractive gradschool friend standing right outside the screen door. Apparently, he and some of the other gradschool friends where coming over for a study session (i.e. comparing notes about some Rorshack test). I did know that he was coming, but I had lost track of time. An awkward smirk spread across his face as I walked to the door to let him in. I said a quick "hi" and hid in our kitchen for five minutes, finished my mopping and kind of, ran to my room. I didn't really come out for another 2o minutes. I mean, I know things could've been worse. I could've been naked. I'm hoping that he's forgotten. Then again, it was the kind of dancing that I normally wouldn't do in front of anyone--especially boys.

oops.

Honesty is a two-headed monster.

to tell the truth is to reveal the full extent of my vulnerability.
and in my vulnerability, expose the vulnerabilities of others--
like the winds of a typhoon after the calm of the storm,
uprooting what was once thought to be firmly planted.

or

i can hide in the shadows of half-truths or half-lies,
to remain in the illusion that all is safe.
that all is good.
that all is well.

honesty is a two-headed monster,
it divides and consumes the seemingly unmolested,
and tortures the well-meaning intentions of virtue.

once awaken,
it cannot be tempered.
once awaken,
it will not sleep,
until its purpose has been completed,
it rages on...

and on...

and on...

Self-discovery

this may be an exercise in futility, but these last few months have been this quest to figure out who I really am. i think my search was spurned on by the realization that, for most of my life, i haven't really been true to the unique way that the LORD has created me. a lot of the things that i did, my likes/dislikes, my passions... all came from other people, or at least, what i thought other people wanted from me. in a lot of ways i feel like a child who's learning to gain her independence, ready to step out into the world and be the person that God intended her to be. i think these questions sum up the things that i've been thinking through lately:

1. Why am I here?
I am here because I was placed on this Earth with a purpose and with specific gifts: to be a caring, compassionate person, to be a caring, compassionate, nurse, to love and be loved, to use my gifts of mercy to extend grace to the broken, to use my musical abilities to write songs and share them with others, to use my insights to challenge other people, to use my intellect to be challenged by diversity and change.

2. What would I like to learn?
I would love to learn how to fully integrate the message of the Jesus Christ into practical living; to learn how to truly live freely and not live under the false dichotomy that i've somehow created in my mind. I would love to learn to not be hindered by fear of judgment from others, or worry about what people think. I would love to learn that I can trust people to be as genuine as they possibly can be in regards to accepting others unconditionally.

3. What brings me joy?
children, the promise of the end of suffering, a heart's understanding of God's unconditional love, chocolate, fried chicken, Cookie Monster, artists, art, polaroids, portraits, being in love, a crisp, cool, sunny day, HoneyRock, nature, chicken adobo (made by my father), playing Apples-to-Apples with my family, staring at the lake/ocean, blogging, my parents' filipino-isms (and sharing said filipino-isms with friends), happy endings in real life love stories, water bottles, the biola nursing program, the thought of becoming a pediatric nurse practioner, coffee, Fresh and Easy, Disneyland.

4. What am I most afraid of?
being rejected/left behind for being honest with others.
...never getting married.

5. What is one step I can take today to move closer to my "ideal" life?
I guess acknowledging that if I only live life in order to attain my "ideal" life, or a life that's only full of happiness, I become more prone to trying to "fix" things when they are less than ideal and dwelling in the unhappiness of the situations when I fail (to fix anything). The step that I can take today and everyday (and i wince as i say this because it sounds so cliche--even though it is so true and valuable) is to surrender my life wholly to God and to acknowledge His control and His goodness in the "unhappiness" of life. I must remind myself that God's idea of "good" is to test me in order to prove and improve my faith.