I wish...

...that my brain had an off button, so that i wouldn't have to think so much or too hard. or better yet: a filter button, so i would only think about the good things when life is hard, and the hard things when i'm strong enough;

...that God Himself would somehow extend His arms of love from Heaven, pick me up and hold me in His lap and tell me that everything is going to be ok...that what He does, whether easy or hard, has eternal value that makes it worth it to go through crap.

...thinking about the things unseen would make the things seen, less painful.

...that brocoli didn't make the kitchen smell like fart.

...that I could eat a million snickers bars without any serious repurcussions.

...that everyone would know how my brothers, Lenard & Lenny, make me laugh more than anyone else can, that being with them lift my spirits and make me feel like I belong somewhere.

when reality hits.

I was driving home from school today, when I suddenly realized how forgiven I was--which was surprising b/c it's been a hard week thus far. It was a very sobering, thankful thing that swept over me. I've been really honest with God this week, maybe more so than I have ever been, allowing myself be real with God about my imperfections, allowing myself to go deep into the trenches of my humanity. Normally, I find myself running from my shame or my short-comings, or trying to cover them up or trying to compensate by doing things like throwing myself into a ministry, or spouting out "Christianese" to myself and/or to anyone who would hear. No, this time I had no energy left to be "strong." It was a scary and intimidating thing to allow myself to see who I really am before God--there was that lingering doubt in my head, telling me: Can God really accept you? Will He listen to someone so incredibly broken and imperfect?

I think that I am beginning to let go of control in regards to how much I have to do, to sort of earn God's unconditional love. I think part of this is because I am in this process of accepting who I am--a kind of acceptance that encompasses all my faults, my struggles and my imperfections. I mean, scripture says that God has accepted that part of me. If God, in Christ, accept those things about me, then who am I to reject the person He's made me to be? I've accepted that I am going to mess up. A lot. There's no point in pretending that I know what the hell I'm doing. In fact, I am still un-sanctified in so many areas of my life, but now, instead of me trying to "fix" all those bad things myself, I am striving to trust that the Spirit of God will work those things out in me. My job is to abide in Christ and to seek Him. The LORD will prune my imperfections, so that I may bear more fruit. It is the LORD's job...not mine.

After all, the Gospel is not about my ability to keep the rules, or how involved I am in ministry, but the willingness of Christ to forgive me...because no matter what I do, I will mess up in some way, shape or form. In Christ, I am fully accepted and fully forgiven.

...so the Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith--that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly that all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.

Amen.

five years ago, today

Every once in awhile, I like to revisit my xanga blog and read things that I wrote when I was 19.

Today, this is what I found:

if someone were to ask me what the one thing in the world that i really really REALLY want (as of now), my heart's desire?.... my answer? to get in the nursing program next fall. if i don't get in...i know i could always apply elsewhere... and life will move on...but i'd be devastated for about 2 weeks...maybe longer... maybe forever! hah hah hah kidding. admission is solely based on GPA status...minimum is 3.0 but the lowest GPA they accepted last semester was a 3.35.the fact that i know i could've gotten better grades in certain classes... is bugging me right now. it's too late to look back and wish that i studied and done better on tests. What good is my faith if i slack off and not do my best? YEAH. exactly. like that verse in James... "Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." [James 2:17]

I applied for the nursing program at Fresno State and as the story goes, I didn't get in. Yes, it did have a lot to do with my GPA, and yes, I was pretty devastated--as were my parents--for far longer than 2 weeks, when I didn't get in. But that's what prompted me to look for other options. I didn't go to Biola right away. I waited another semester or so, I think.

The really interesting thing about this particular entry is the fact that I started out the entry with admitting what my heart's desire was. Hah. Sometimes, in the midst of all the busy-ness and the stress of nursing school now, I forget how much I wanted all of this more than anything. I wanted it so bad that it hurt--which is probably why I felt so devastated when I didn't get in a program the first, second or third time that I applied (the third time I applied was during my first year at Biola. I didn't get in then, either). When I applied for the fourth time, I was already ready to give up. I had no hope that I was getting into nursing at all. I didn't know what to do. It seemed mean that God would give me such a strong desire, only to have it be unfulfilled. I doubted what I thought was my calling. I felt so lost. I questioned God a lot, saying to Him, "LORD, how could I want something this much only to be disappointed time and time again? If I'm not supposed to be a nurse, then take this desire away."

But I did get in... after the fourth time! And now I'm finishing up the third semester of the nursing program, and I only have three more semesters to go!

I really needed to read my xanga entry today. I'm thankful that I developed the habit of public self-disclosure at an early age, because I can look back and remind (or surprise) myself of what's true and see so clearly how God is working in my life--inspite of myself and my failures! How quickly I forget those truths. Thankfully, they become less of a cliche when I actually experience these things in my life.

And today I am reminded to keep hoping in God and to keep believing that He does grant us the desires of our hearts--but only in His perfect timing, with the purpose of accomplishing something within us that He can only do through the seasons of various trials. Most importantly, we must wait. Anything good that God has in store for us is worth waiting for. Biola was worth waiting for. Being here has been an incredible blessing in my life, an important milestone for my faith.

Thank You, Jesus.

What my heart wants to believe.

"...Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay

From His own fulness all He takes away."

Ishmael

In Genesis 15, after Abram pleads his case about not having an heir to call his own, God makes a covenant with Abram, promising that Abram will have his own son. I'm sure Abram and Sarai were very excited about this when he came home that night to tell her the good news. But I also noticed that in this passage, God had not given any specifics about when this was going to happen or where this heir was coming from. I suppose one would naturally assume that Abram would logically deduce that this promised heir would come from his wife, Sarai. However, I don't think that it was a natural assumption for either Abram or Sarai because Sarai was barren. So, what then would the next logical--and culturally acceptable--step for Sarai to take, as Abram's loving and supportive wife? To give Abram her servant Hagar, so that through Hagar, Abram would have his heir.

We can know, after reading a few paragraphs later, that this was not how God planned to bring about Abram's heir. But Sarai and Abram did not know that. In fact, it was like they were standing at the end of a very dark cave, where they could see, in the distance, the twinkling light of God's promise. But they couldn't even see their feet--or the ground--in front of them, so...they took a step in the dark, towards that light--it didn't deter them from their course, nor did they fall into a hole in the ground.

It's not until Genesis 17:15 that God becomes more specific about the heir he promised Abram, now called Abraham. God tells him that this son will be coming from Sarai, re-named to be known as Sarah, his 90 year-old barren wife. When Abraham heard this, he fell on his face and laughed! It seemed too impossible and ridiculous! He even asked God if He could just use Abraham's already exisiting son, Ishmael, for what God has promised. Of course God says, "No." And God also restates his promise: "...Sarah, your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name, Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his offspring after him." But, God does not forget about Ishmael either: "As for Ishmael, I have heard you; behold, I have blessed him and will make him fruitful and multiply him greatly. He shall father twelve princes and I will make him into a great nation." It's amazing to see that even though Ishmael was not how God intended to bring about His covenant with Abraham, God still blessed him.

Reading the story about Ishmael and Abraham reminds me that God will remain steadfast to His promise--no matter what I do. God is a good God. He is faithful. He does what is best for His people--in a sense that He plans my life in accordance to what will bring Him the MOST glory. And while Christians can know and be sure that God has promised us good things, we find ourselves in the pitch blackness of our inability to forsee every outcome of every circumstance. I'm learning more and more that actually living out my faith in who God is means taking steps in the darkness of uncertainty and trusting that God will not leave me alone in that darkness. He is there to pick me up when I fall. He guides my steps and helps me get back on track when I take a wrong turn somewhere.

Like Sarai, I often make decisions that would seem to fit into God's will for my life, only to find out that it was kind of close...but not quite Isaac. Abraham and Sarah were not punished, nor were their actions considered sinful by God. And who's to say that it was a wrong decision? I find that living, actually living life, means that there are more gray areas than there are black and whites. Living in the light of this realization means even more dependency on God's grace and His Holy Spirit. Because as God was gracious towards Abraham, Sarah, Hagar and Ishmael, He is gracious towards us in our effort to find our footing in the uncertainty. We must also be able to give grace to ourselves in that regard. I mean, if God can give room for our limits as human beings--this is seen throughout Scripture and even in how Christ came TO us, while we were sinners and enemies of God--shouldn't we also accept our limits and give our humanity some room, too?

Pressure release.

With all my projects and things building up, approaching the inevitable moment of explosion, which would entail: a few all-nighters and consuming gallons of caffeine in order to get all the I need to turn, turned in... I wanted to just stop and take this moment to remind myself of the good things in life (the love of God and His grace is implied), and the things that I love and appreciate about it, too.

Good thing number one: Indie/Folk music- it soothes my anxiety/stress like chamomille tea with lemon soothes my sore throat.
Good thing number two: food & making it. I find cooking very therapeutic. The other day, I literally made chicken [noodle] soup for MY weary soul. ...Ha?
Good thing number three: Cold weather--just means I get to snuggle under my comforter at night. And it means I get to wear comfy sweats and sweatshirts, too.
Good thing number four: Michael Buble's new CD, Crazy/love.
Good thing number five: Bon Iver's song: Woods. How I savor the sweet memories from my summer at HoneyRock...the beautiful lakeside, the cold, crisp mornings and the amazing people that I have met.
Good thing number six: Iced freakin' Tea. How wonderful and satisfying. Now lipton has these little single serve travel packets, so I can stuff three in my purse and just add it to my Nalgene! (I suppose that would implicate that I drink a lot of tea. Let's just say that I really love tea.)
Good thing number seven: Breathing. One takes it forgranted when you can't do it very well. Thank you, Albuterol.
Good thing number eight: Sleeping. Also becomes quite the commodity, when you realize you can't do it very much right now...

Profound.

"The problem is that there are important aspects of our experience that we ignore. Many of us...refuse to face our feelings of shame. They make us feel too vulnerable. so we pretend they do not exist and hope they will go away. Or it may be our broken and wounded self that we try to deny. When we do so, however, these unwanted parts of self do not go away. They simply go into hiding. If for example, I only know my strong, competent self and am never able to embrace my weak or insecure self, I am forced to live a lie. I must pretend that I am strong and competent, not simply that I have strong and competent parts or that under certain circumstances I can be strong and competent. Similarly, if I refuse to face my deceitful self I live in illusion regarding my own intergrity. Or if I am unwilling to acknowledge my prideful self, I live an illusion of false modesty.

Our knowing of ourselves will remain superficial until we are willing to accept ourselves as God accepts us--fully and unconditionally, just as we are. God's acceptance of us as we are is not in any way in conflict with Divine longing for our wholeness. Nor is our acceptance of our self. But until we are prepared to accept the self we actually are, we block God's transforming work of making us into our true self that is hidden in God. We must befriend the self we seek to know. We must receive it with hospitality, not hostility. No one--not even your own self--can be known apart from such a welcome...

...Until we are willing to accept the unpleasant truths of our existence, we rationalize or deny responsibility for our behavior.

If God loves and accepts you as a sinner, how can you do less? You can never be other than who you are until you are willing to embrace the reality of who you are. Only then can you truly become who you are most deeply called to be.
Some Christians become quite upset at the suggestion that self-acceptance must precede transformation. They argue that self-acceptance is the exact opposite of what we are supposed to do to the parts of self that do not honor God. What we are supposed to do, they say, is crucify them, not embrace them.
Scriptures seem clear enough about the importance of crucifying out sin nature (Romans 8:13). But attempts to eliminate things that we find in our self that we do not first accept as part of us rely on denial, not crucifixion. Crucifixion should be directed toward our sin nautre. And we must first accept it as our nature, not simply human nature. Only after we genuinely know and accept everything we find within our self can we begin to develop the discernment to know what should be crucified and what should be embraced as an important part of self.
Freud noted that things about ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge are given increased power and influence by our failure to accept them. It is that which we avoid, he asserted, that will most tyrannize us. In this he was absolutely right. Self-acceptance does not increase the power of things that ultimately need to be eliminated. Rather, it weakens them. It does so because it robs them of the power that they develop when they operate outside of awareness and outside the embrace of self-acceptance."
[The Gift of Being Yourself, David G. Benner, 53, 56-57]