Training wheels are off.

I did not go to church this morning, which isn't the end of the world, but my conscience felt like it was. I just...decided not to go. Totally lame, I KNOW. Discouraged, dismayed and frustrated with myself, I left my house to journal and talk with God. I spent the next few hours evaluating the thought process that lead to my poor decision this morning.

At this point in my life, there literally is no one around to tell me what to do. I don't feel direct pressure from anyone to do anything. Typical expectations of friends and mentors, pastors and parents are no longer my main points of references--they do not dominate or dictate decisions I make. For example, my whole life I have always felt some sense of obligation to go to church. I hardly ever missed a service--which wasn't hard to do since I was so plugged into the high school and college ministries of my home church. Unfortunately, I realized that those obligations were predominantly founded on pleasing other people, not obeying and worshiping God. This, of course, is no one's fault but mine.

I have never been this free to live life my way. It's kind of scary. Mostly because I'm discovering a lot about myself that I don't like. Just because I'm free to live, it doesn't mean I should do everything I feel like doing. And the things I used to do when I lived under obligations and expectations, I discovered are things that I still need to do, but being freed from legalistic reasoning, I find it hard to motivate myself to do them. I need to want to do them, not for myself--or anyone else-- but for the glory of God! (i.e church attendance, discernment about what movies I watch or music I listen to, spending time in the Word, stewardship of my time, keeping my room clean, balancing my budget, cleaning up after myself, etc.).

It's like I'm learning to ride a bike for the first time. My Father has finally removed the training wheels. He wants me to learn how to balance on my own. And falling is definitely included in the learning process. I'm not going to learn unless I get back up and try again, because God's not going to put the training wheels back on. Never again.

I understand that the bike-analogy probably sucked, but my point is: I realized this morning after getting up from another fall, that the scary thing about discovering freedom in Christ and being released from the chains of legalism is now...the only thing stopping me from taking up my Cross...is...myself. I know that I have to want Jesus more than anything. No one can make me do that! I have to want to use my freedom to live as a slave to righteousness.

"Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving..."

Colossians 2:6