feeling sentimental is kind of confusing for my brain. it's like the halfway point between feeling depressed and being excited for what's to come... hmm. maybe being sentimental is really just feeling melancholy. or maybe i am neither. i just realized that i have not eaten anything at all today, which means that my blood sugar is pretty low, which can answer for why i am feeling mopy and grumpy.

gosh, i'm so glad that science can answer everything (or at least it answers questions on a more superficial level in order to avoid unearthing the deeper meanings.)

Sometimes people write funny songs...

I was sitting in the library, minding my own business, distracting myself from doing homework (the usual) and listening to Frank Sinatra Radio on pandora.com when a song came that made snicker loudly (woops). I'm sure you'll find the lyrics very interesting:

I Can't Be New by Susan Werner

Coffee, ham and eggs
I can be your diner
Tired and aching legs
I'll be your recliner
And when you need a breath of air,
i'll be your balcony

when you need a laugh,
I can be your joker,
cut a loss in half,
I can be your broker
cause all of that and more
you've been for me

i'll be, very least, when the pressure's heightening
i can be the grease when your wheels are tightening
when you need a dance, I can that ol' soft shoe
I can be your girl, through the best and worst times
but I can't be the girl, you notice for the first time
there's so much I can do, but I can't be new...

and when their buying you steak baby, I can be the gravy
when they throw you in the lake, I can be the navy
be that three day leave
I can be that bad tattoo
I can be the sky, the very wild blue yonder
so I can catch your eye
when it starts to wander
as I've seen it do
oh, at least a time or two,
i'll be anyting for you baby
but I can't be new...

I will reserve my thoughts about this song for another blog post. Right now, I really need to...concentrate. aaaaaah.

God carries His wounded.

Sometimes, I forget. But the reality of God's incomprehensible love and never ending compassion and grace for us, the depraved and helpless, is a reality that is beyond the boundaries of my imagination. Do I forget simply because it is a truth that makes me uncomfortable? Ironically, it is God that I should find all my comfort in, but He is overwhelming. As I continue to grow in knowledge about my faith and about who God is, I see more and more how undeserving I am of His mercies. Yes, it makes me uncomfortable. Because I see the depravity of my human nature and I know that if salvation was distributed according to merit, I would never receive it.

But God does not want me wallowing in shame, but rejoicing in who He is and what He's done for sinful humanity. And how Jesus endured the curse of the Cross so that I can have a loving relationship with the Father.

So here I am, humbled and helpless, like an infant in need of her Father's comfort after falling down and skinning her knee, I rest in God's arms as He surrounds me with His assurance that He is indeed for me, and not against me. He is carrying me, because I am not strong. He is holding me, because only He can comfort me. He is with me, so that I am not alone. He is listening closely because He can understand me better than anyone.

I'm supposed to be napping...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. [Jeremiah 29:11]

I read that verse and I believe it. I believe it in my head, at least. I want so much for that belief to travel down the 12 inches to my heart, where it counts the most. Because I can only tell myself "truth" for so long before my body rejects it completely. The constant conflict between my head and my heart about truths such as Jeremiah 29:11 is emotionally and physically draining. Then when you throw papers, projects and rather large reading assignments into the mix...I don't know. All I know is...I can't even figure out what to call "it," and if I'm so confused that I can't figure out exactly why I'm confused (because I feel like I'm being pulled in 50 different directions), I'm sure that's pretty indicative of something unhealthy.

Or maybe I just need a break.

I do, earnestly, believe and cling to the truth that God is good and that He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. But after this week, I think He has really tipped the scale. I am greatly overwhelmed, but more in a negative sense than a positive one. I think it's heretical to say that I don't know if God knows what He's doing, so I won't say that. But I will say, "God, what ARE you doing?" I'm glad that He thinks I can handle all of this, I--meaning me in my finite humanity-- just don't think I can! I feel like...if one more thing happens...whatever thread is holding my sanity together is going to break, and I will seriously, lose it.

With all that to say, I will probably look back on this post a year from now and laugh at myself (which tends to happen when I read my past journal entries and see how God does work things out). I know that this journal entry is a manifestation of my stress and exhaustion combined.

It's not the end of the world, but, not to be sadistic or anything, I would rather have the end of the world. I want to be in heaven with Jesus. That is a million times better than a summer break.

the prospect of summer is close at hand!

i just have to survive these last three weeks of school, without managing to ruin my GPA (while managing to take a couple of trips to Disneyland. yes, I'm determined to milk my pass for all it's worth!)

I wake up every day to the surreality of my life. I never expected I would be here I first started this school year. God has caught me so off guard, that I still stumble every few steps. I can't get too far on my own strength. I just end up eating a fistful of mashed up, humble pie. And contrary to popular belief, it does NOT taste very good.

*sigh*

I'm probably not doing as bad as I think I am (within the context of school). My doom and gloom finds its source in my online class, which I am too ashamed to even mention how far behind I am in (those who know me. know. which is sufficient enough for my conscience). In the words of Carissa Abrego, "it's bad. just bad." I can't bring myself to sit down and do it. Well last week, I did. And this whole weekend, I told myself that that's what I needed to do. Play catchup. But what happened? I don't know. Saturday happened. and now it's Sunday. AH!


and yet, amidst the stresses of it all, there are exciting and worthwhile things happening:
- getting an apartment with some really cool people.
- yeah, still super excited about the nursing program. still really excited.
- hoping to record some songs this summer (as i'm working 2 jobs. like a grown up!)
- looking forward to FINALLY finishing that Harry Potter series (it's going to be such a relief to read FOR FUN)
- God has blessed me financially. All the glory goes to him.
- both of my brothers are coming down within the next two weeks for choir stuff at Disneyland. i'm excited to spend time with them.

It's important to think of good things amidst the not-so-good things. i'm praying that God will give me the strength to do all the things that I need to do and to die to my complacency and lazy tendencies. As stubborn as I am, I hate it. So hopefully, Jesus will help me to cast that aside to be able finish strong.

In the words of Amos Lee, "Keep it loose, keep it tight."

"Sometimes we forget who we got,
Who they are.
Oh, who they are not.
There is so much more in love,
Than black and white.
Keep it loose child,
Gotta keep it tight.
Keep it loose child,
Keep it tight"

-A. Lee

This song automatically places my psyche into relax mode. I imagine that it's sort of equivalent to Mr. Roger's methodical unbuttoning of his cardigan sweater and the de-lacing of his dress shoes. What all that means is that when I listen to "Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight," my mind sheds it's business attire to put on sweats and fuzzy bedroom slippers.

The concept of keeping it loose really resonates with me right now (as I'm taking a "break" from my rather large paper that is due tomorrow at 3pm). Amidst all the life issues, heart issues, being behind in schoolwork and of course, family drama, sometimes it's necessary to just put those things aside and relax. One can only handle so much tension in their life before that tension snaps their sanity in two. I, for one, need my sanity in order to function as normally as I can. Of course, having hope in the eternal and heavenly things helps A TON with keeping my sanity in tact. Thank you, JESUS.

The reason I'm behind in my school work right now is because of this philosophy I have in "keeping it loose." I am not trying to justify anything, but I think I'm just trying to explain myself (something that I can't help doing, apparently). But for example, today, knowing that I have a test tomorrow and a rather large paper/project due (both in the same class. YES.), instead of FREAKING out, as one would assume would be the natural reaction, my reaction was to...take a nap, then spend an hour reflecting on my life, as I sat in my car and ate chinese food. After I was adequately relaxed, I started by project. And I was more prepared to engage my task at hand.

Going, going, going doesn't fly with me. I am not one of those people who do things to avoid thinking about things. I tend to be the type of person who don't do things because I'm thinking about things. I think I value my mental health more than that 4.0 average. (Funny or not funny?)

My efforts in trying to maintain my mental health can be a good thing, but also a very bad thing and obviously, not compatible with a heavy course load. Yikes. I'm sure as I continue to grow, I'll learn to be less on the "keep it loose" side of things and more on the "keep it tight." But not so tight that I break in half. I know there's a happy medium. Maybe I should write a song called "Keeping it pliable," or "keeping it at the consistency of Jello."

Ok, back to project.

Before I shower...more public self-disclosure!

11:03am. and all-could-be-better-than-it-has-been. (i'm so tempted to explain what that means, but i'm going to go against my character norms and just leave it be. ack.)

I'm not going to sit here and try to paint a pretty picture about how life has been. To be more precise and to the point, it's been sort of sucky. But you know what? That doesn't mean that God's awesomeness can't be seen through all the suckiness of life. In fact, I see His grace and His faithfulness even more. I am even more drawn to Him. It's like I'm a moth, entranced by the glow of the flourescent light against the darkness of the night (wow, that rhymed and it wasn't intentional!)

And God knows I need this. I've never been so dependent on my Father. I find myself so often just calling out Jesus's name at various points, throughout the day. I never realized how much I love to say that name.

yeah, i love Jesus.