He will surely come.

I've been home sick the last few days. I came home Monday afternoon from work and felt somethin' abrewin' and sure enough-- had a fever by 7pm, with my nose completely congested by the time I woke up the next morning. It's some kind of Upper Respiratory Infection that I probably picked up from working in a clinic on Skid Row. It's mostly likely a new "bug" that I picked up because I can't remember the last time I've had to stay home sick for such an extended period of time.  It was weird because I would spike a fever around the same time every night. I guess the viruses in my body decided that 5:30 in the evening was the best time to have their block party. I'm praying that this isn't the case tonight because (a) my boyfriend and my best friend are coming over for dinner and (b) I do want to eventually go back to work...

I didn't intend to blog about my illness, however.  I wanted to blog about God working amidst it all.

The interesting thing about all of this is that this week was dedicated to fasting.  The church that I've been going to for the last few Sundays implemented a church-wide fast, to pray and ask God for direction in our lives as individuals and in the lives of those in leadership at church. Since I work a fast-paced, on-the-go, nursing job at a clinic where anything can happen... I knew I couldn't completely fast from food, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was nudging me to fast from other things that I turn to or find comfort in instead of sitting with God in my discomfort. These things include, TV (including shows I watch online), movies, comfort food (like Thai food, fried chicken and Sun Chips), coffee (I'm an addict in denial), facebook and music.

I knew deep down that there have been some things that I haven't allowed myself to process since I've moved to Burbank. With a new season in life--a new job as a new nurse, a new surrounding, a new church, a new boyfriend--comes a lot of processing. And I was keeping myself busy, or inundated with external noise.  I knew that I felt kind of disconnected to myself and to God, but I wasn't really making the effort either to do anything about it.

God's timing is perfect, however, in that the week I decide to fast from external noise, I also have to stay home. Sick. No tv. No facebook. No movies. No music. Just me, my Bible and my thoughts. Oh and Jesus, of course. He is bringing up a lot of things, things that I feel would take up a whole nother blog post to explain...but in these things, I see how he wants to heal my brokenness and bind my wounds (Psalm 147:3).

Part of my frustration is that I thought I was all "fixed."  That I didn't have to worry about any of those past hurts, etc.  But I do see that God wants to fully restore me--even though it will take a lot more time than I originally planned. Haha. It's a place of vulnerability that I am hesitant and naturally unwilling to sit in. I do have hope, however, because God is predictably good. And in my life, He's only proved His faithfulness, love and power...time and time again.

Furthermore, I found great encouragement in Habakkuk this week.  I learned this week that the main theme in Habakkuk is how God uses a wicked nation (Babylon) for his divine purpose. This is of course in reference to God using Babylon to punish Assyria and Judah. And amidst this dark time, the words that God speaks to Habakkuk are the following: "...For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie.  If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.  Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by faith." (Habakkuk 2:3-4).

In that time, those who were followers of God, who were caught up in the ugliness of war and all that comes with such a horrible thing, were urged to live by faith. They had no other choice. Without faith, they would lose hope.  They didn't know what was going to happen, they had to trust that God is a good God.  The righteous must choose to remember how God has proven Himself to them, most especially during a time when things didn't make sense.

This is applicable in many ways for many people.  We all go through hardships and dark times and in those times, we must live by faith. We must live and trust God's goodness in the day to day, since we are essentially blind to what the future may hold. Even when negativity and self-pity, bitterness and discontent are constant companions, we must choose to see beyond them and think about what it means to live by faith, to trust that God is all knowing and faithful, that He is predictably good, that He loves us, that He is patient and compassionate and kind, that His plans (and His timing) are perfect.

Amen? Amen.

More thoughts on self-disclosure...

I think public self-disclosure can be looked at as either glass half-empty or glass half-full...

I've been contemplating for some time now if it's necessarily a "bad" or "unwise" thing to be so open about my personal experiences in walking this life of faith.  I admit that my propensity to share what is going on in my life is an ineffable sort of inclination.  I honestly feel that I have to share, that it's somehow knitted very strategically into the person that God has made me to be.

In some circles, self-disclosure is totally and completely accepted, or at least, not as abhored or viewed as distasteful.  However, I do think that most well-meaning Christians are socialized to view it as a foolish thing. That emotions are to be disregarded and thrown out,  or dumped out, like waste-products, instead of looking at them, sharing them, trying to see where they come from. Then again, most well-meaning Christians don't value the process of self-examination and will go to great lengths to avoid looking at their sin issues in a more microscopic and meaningful way.  Not to completely digress, but in regards to the process of self-examination, I think overgeneralizing sin and our struggles as human beings--and not giving respect to the roots and causes of our specific struggles--is actually a clever and unintentional way, Christians have used to avoid themselves, or the uglyness of who they really are.  How can we truly appreciate the cross of Christ and what He died for, if we don't truly see who He actually died for?  I feel like we only tap the surface sometimes because we're afraid of what we might see.  It's understandable.  The Bible does say that we are depraved beings. 

Anyway.  I do see the pitfalls of public self-disclosure.  There is a degree of oversharing that is, in fact, weird.  But does it deserve judgment? No, I don't think so.  Do people who overshare want attention? Yeah. But like everything else that we do, there is an underlying reason for why we do what we do.  People who share want to be seen, which I believe is a basic human need.  Who doesn't want to be noticed and given affirmation for who they are?  Christians seek out God and we want to be seen by Him. It's not wrong to want that or acknowledge that it is a need. We are children of a most High God and like children, we want to be seen.  Even Hagar acknowledges this in Genesis 16:13, as she sat in the desert, because a jealous Sarah ran her out of her house--for having the audacity to actually get pregnant with Abraham's child (though it was Sarah's idea to have them sleep together in the first place).  But God meets Hagar in the wilderness, amidst her pain and troubles and blesses her. And her response is so beautiful, "You are a God of seeing,' for she said, 'Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

Ok, I digressed again. Sorry. So yes, people who view self-disclosure as a way to only get attention and affirmation from others aren't completely off base. But again, I don't think it's necessarily wrong.  And I think that some people may judge self-disclosure because they themselves don't understand it.  We reject what we don't understand.   On the other hand, people who refuse to share their personal stories and their emotions have their own underlying reasons for keeping it to themselves.   Maybe it's fear.  Fear of judgment. Fear of rejection. Or maybe it's pride.  A refusal to show weakness, or admit weakness. Or maybe it's ignorance.  Some may be completely unaware of their own crap, so they have nothing to share.  I think it's important to know why we share or don't share because I believe the way that people share with others directly affect how they share their lives with God.  And He of all people deserves our transparency...

Clearly, I am biased towards a more transparent way of living. Again, part of me feels like I just can't help it, sometimes.  I see how God is moving and working in my life and I don't think He wants me to just keep it to myself.  There are times that I share because I seek solace in the company of others, the comfort of people who care and love me.  When it's a more generalized audience, I think I share because I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggle and in a way, I think I am seeking affirmation for myself that I'm not alone, either.

Whatever the case may be, I sincerely believe that there is more eternal value in being sincere and transparent with others, than not. Not that it's easy.  Because it's not.


Toodles.

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What am I doing?

I don't mean to pose that question in a negative light.  I really am kind of wondering what is happening in my life right now.  It's a kind of wondering that involves meandering, thoughtful, consideration of the past couple of weeks and what I've been doing with my time.  Other than studying for the NCLEX--the biggest test of my life--I've mostly been hanging out with friends, soaking up the bit of time left that we have here together, taking advantage of the fact that we are still around the area and most importantly-- we don't really have actual responsibilities (i.e mortgage, marriages, car payments, children, etc.) 

I am kind of amused at how easy things seem to be going right now.  I wake up, study throughout the day, go to random exercise classes at the local 24 hr fitness (Zumba is my new favorite activity), or hang out with friends and watch movies (or play guitar hero), or play intense games of... Fishbowl.  I'm not complaining. This is NIIIIIIIICE. I'm even bobbing my head as I say it. 

Haha. I'm 26 years old, which I revealed to a new friend of mine who apparently thought I was 22 or 23. This came up because he asked me when I would want to get married--I didn't think anything of it, mostly because he seems like the kind of "dude" that just asks questions (plus, he's happily girlfriended).  I realized I was kind of disappointed that I had to admit how old I actually was.  I think I wanted him to keep thinking I was younger.

I guess hanging out with people who are a few years younger than me would make me slightly self-conscious about the fact that I'm 26.  But it really shouldn't. 

This is all correlated in someway...it's one big train of thought.  I think me being 26 and still kind of living the life of a "youngin" makes me wonder if I should be doing something more.... "mature."  I don't know.  Maybe I should just be thankful with where I'm at.  And I am.  I also believe that I am exactly where God wants me... so who cares what sort of internal judgment I'm projecting onto this situation right now? 

What do most 26 year olds do, anyway? 

Bah. Well, who cares.  I am enjoying myself and living life in a new way.  I feel really free.  And I'm excited for what's coming in these next few months...in the next year! At the same time,  I'm enjoying each day as it comes, too. I have a feeling I should soak up this season of my life.  Take it for what it is.

After the Fact...

I am a college graduate. 

It's been a long time coming for me--maybe that's why the post-college feeling is all the more sweeter, smoother even. I feel very blessed--especially because I have a job.  A job that I am ecstatic and giddy about.  If you had told me a few months ago that I would have a job right out of school, I would've laughed very obnoxiously in your face.  My expectations were very low, mostly because those kinds of things don't really happen to me. If you've read my blog over the last few months (or years), it's pretty evident that I have been dealing with a lot of disappointments and discouragements--from either external situations or my own internal experience. So, why would I expect anything else?  This isn't meant to sound depressing or hopeless--I think my low expectations were equal parts humility and acceptance of my low estate, with maybe a mild tinge of self-pity. 

 Anyways, I think I really had reached a point of honest to goodness humility...and surrender.  God had brought me to that place and I wasn't going to fight him anymore. Don't get me wrong--it's a good place to be, but it did take quite a bit to get me here.   However, I still came up with some semblance of a plan--because I'm a woman and a woman who likes to plan things.  I called it PLAN B and it entailed going to bartending school and working at a bar in downtown Fullerton and maybe nannying, too.  I was even thinking about revisiting my days as a barista and planned to work at starbucks or any coffee shop that would employ a person with a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. All I knew was I wanted to be with people and talk to people, to be in the world and not of it, to be in ministry through relationships with people who are different from me, to love them as Jesus did... to love them as Jesus as has taught me to do.

But God still blessed me with a job that I would've given my left arm for. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration.  I probably wouldn't have torn out a limb to work at a clinic on Skid Row, but I remember despising the thought of working at some adult medical-surgical floor just for experience--but I was going to buck up and do it if I got hired at a hospital. However, God saw my heart and what I desired to do with my life and He is gracious enough to give me the opportunity to work with homeless people in downtown L.A... as a nurse. 

Oh man, there's still so much to say.  Because...God not only blessed me with a job, but also brought reconciliation in my life. He has taught me what true forgiveness is and what it means to entrust this process to Him. Things with my family had been the brunt of my spiritual and emotional distress and I didn't even think we would be whole come graduation time.  But the goodness of God prevailed.  I doubted His goodness and His love and may I never do it again--at least not anytime soon.

Over the years, I had become wary of saying "Glory to God," because I came from a background where those three words were dropped like it's hot. But they were empty words, without meaning, without real understanding, without real substantial and heartfelt belief.

But today, I can say it. GLORY TO GOD.  Those three words hold the last 5 years of my life, the ups and the downs--mostly downs-- the trials and the heartaches, the blessings of new realizations, the struggle in wrestling with God amidst the pain and most importantly--real and honest surrender, a willingness to let go of control of my life because God has proven His sovereignty, care, love and provision.

I pray that I will carry and hold true to this very important lesson in my life as I move on to a new chapter...

Acceptance.

I spent Monday and part of Tuesday up in Idyllwild, CA.  I had never gone on a solo retreat before--I guess I never saw the need for it.  But in light of recent events and ever growing burden on my weary heart, I knew I needed to go.

It was a gorgeous house on top of the mountain, surrounded by nature and I had it all to myself.  The owners, a couple who heard God call them to build this retreat center, really provided a place of safety, comfort and peace.  It's a place dedicated for weary travelers to find their center once again in Jesus.

I had never been happier than when I was sitting alone in that huge house by myself.  There was silence and the grandiose view of mountains and towering pine trees.  I even went on a hike to a place called "Inspiration Point."  And I sat there for hours just reflecting on my life, amidst nature, and connecting with God in a way that I hadn't in a long time.

It was there on the mountain top that I was able to see clearly all the burdens that I had been carrying: anger, resentment, holding on to a sense of control and not wanting to let go of it, most importantly--an unwillingness to accept my life and all the pain and hardship that I have endured and my personal struggles that I battle with on a day to day basis.   I wrestled with the thought that I merely had to accept the pain, when pain is, well, so painful.  What would that acceptance mean?  Would that mean that I would allow myself to sit in that pain?  Does that mean I can't always expect God to do something about it? Does that mean accepting that God may never do anything about it?

It was good to get away, to think, to process.  But as soon as I came back down from the mountain--I saw that life didn't change.  I wasn't really expecting it to.  It's still hard and I still have my issues.  However, it's like my pain had never been quite so blatantly exposed in front of me.  The difference is, though I wrestled with it for a while last night, I woke up tired and humbled this morning.  I need to accept my life and my pain.  And I think I am doing that as I sit here blogging about it.  I woke up this morning and called to mind truth that God is in it with me, working in me and bringing me to a place where I will see that it is worth it.  I don't know when that will be but I'm not trying to put a limit on it anymore. 

The paradoxical nature of acceptance is letting go of my need to get away from pain in order to bring God in.  Trusting in God then means that I'm not simply sitting here, but digging deeply into the root of my pain and working through it to find healing. 

With all that to say, I accept my life.  I accept my humility. I accept that restoration may happen, or may it not happen the way I want it to.  I accept that restoration may mean something completely unexpected.  I accept the unexpected.  I accept my pain and the sadness that comes with it from time to time.  I accept the not-so-ideals, the unfulfilled desires, the blessings in disguises, and the waiting.  I accept myself and who God has made me to be, even the parts that seem less desirable to others--especially to myself-- the parts that God is currently renewing and restoring. I accept that God is good amidst the pain, that He is present whether or not I acknowledge it.

I accept it all.

It is good.

Today, I sat outside a cafe in downtown Fullerton. I sat on a paisley cushion atop a white wicker chair, taking in the eclectic outdoor patio decoration at Cafe Veronese. I lazily sipped on coffee, in between bites of a decadent chocolate cake.  I let my eyes feast on the vines that grew along the fence,  and I giggled softly because I loved the sight of yellow flowers speckled throughout.  I listened to the fountain and let the sound of the water coax me into a more peaceful mood.  The sun gleamed softly, its warm light reflected by the white tiled table top, touched my face like a gentle kiss.  A gentle and cool breeze caressed my hair and the edges of my mustard yellow skirt.  The sky was clear and the clouds were like cotton balls, arranged messily in groups of threes and fours.

As I sat there, I marveled at my inner peace.  I felt genuinely thankful for life and that I could enjoy the little things.  That things like yellow flowers, chocolate cake and 74 degree weather still makes a substantial impact on my soul. 

The last 8 weeks or so have been, well--for lack of a better term--a doozy.  If you had told me that by week 10, I would be so relaxed and so peaceful, that I would be stuffing my face full of cake,  I probably wouldn't have believed you.  I might even have told you that you were effing crazy.

I guess it just goes to show that I am still one of little faith.  Well, it's a growing faith.  It's still quite miniscule.  But, I do see it growing stronger.  Getting bigger. More bold.  Less afraid.  And this peace that comes with it is most definitely a gift of grace, from God, who I am convinced today loves and cares about His people.  That He loves and cares about me.

It's not like I did anything extra special either.  Neither has much of my external situations changed--other than the fact that I'm mostly done with school projects/presentations.  There are still quite a few aspects in my life that are less than ideal. 

I think I realized this last Friday, that if Jesus can calm a raging storm and churning waves, if Jesus can still the mighty ocean, then His power is sufficient to bring about peace in whatever life situation I find myself in.   It's so good to see His power and His work within me.  Especially because I have not held back from showing Him/telling Him about what I truly think and feel about the crap that has happened. I feel like I really, truly wrestled with all that has been going on.  Being honest with myself and with other people.  It certainly has not been easy.  

As I sat there and ate my cake,  I thanked Him for listening.  I thanked Him for caring about my humanity and giving space for my emotions.  I thanked Him for helping me overcome my fears and for helping me see a side of surrender that I have never seen before.  I looked at where I've been and where I am now, in this place of substantial peace--I see that I have gained a better sense of what it means to trust God.  It's really amazing.  It's almost ineffable.

So yeah.  Today is a good day.  I want to enjoy it.

Lastly, I want to end with a verse that seems to make more sense to me now than it ever has before: 

"For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me." [Colossians 1:29]

Toodles.