Better?

"When I have really transacted business with God on the basis of His covenant, letting everything else go, there is no sense of personal achievement— no human ingredient in it at all. Instead, there is a complete overwhelming sense of being brought into union with God, and my life is transformed and radiates peace and joy." [Oswald Chambers]


Reflecting on my life feels so much more productive than studying the ins and outs of Quality Care Management in the nursing profession. Don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is important. I just feel overwhelmed with everything else that's going on in my mind. I need to vent.

The theme of my life as of late has involved trying to re-wire my mind about what it REALLY means to follow Jesus and love God. Not that I have everything figured out. Not that my ultimate goal is to "figure things out"--Hah, maybe if I tell myself this enough times, I'll actually believe it. I've left the safety that I used to find in the black and white, or the conservative Christian traditions that I spent most of my life in. The problem that I've been seeing in my own heart is how my actions--my church going and my bible reading and my christian speaking--were not rooted in a love for Christ, or God, but a love for self. Yeah, not good.

It's kind of a rude awakening. I'm still reeling from it. Still trying to find my bearings. If I could diagnose my mental state right now, I would say that I have mental vertigo because I'm not entirely sure what's up, down, right, wrong, better, worse. And yes, sometimes I feel nauseous about it all. If only I had the special ability to encapsulate these thoughts and lay them aside while I deal with nursing school, instead of everything sort of blending together and overwhelming the hell out of me.

I think to help cope, I've tried to generalize my inner angst and externalized it by blaming "the church." I honestly picture a big white building with a tall steeple and a cross on top. I've somehow villainized the church because it's been hard to admit my own shortcomings. It's easier to blame other people for your issues.

The church is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I, too, often try to convince others that my convictions are right and better, instead of letting their own thought processes and the holy spirit guide them through life. While it is true that I have felt rejection from people in the church that I had trusted so much, I have to remind myself that I have rejected many individuals as well in my own self-righteousness. I will plead ignorance, however. Ignorance of my own sinfulness rooted in my desire to want to be better than other people.

Ok, where am I going with this? Oh, right. Well, back to the title of this post. "Better." The conflict that I find in myself, because I am a complex human being, is how I categorize all of what I'm experiencing--the past and the present. There are days when I think that living in the security of the "bright and shiny," the Glory-be-to-God-if-we're-martyrs-for-His-Kingdom framework would be better than this ever growing awareness of my own spiritual bankruptcy. It's a phenomenon that I've affectionately named "Sitting In My Shit." Prior to wading in my own crap, life was happy. Well, it was happier because I was doing all the right things and was recognized for it. I felt good about myself and my holiness. I was in leadership, involved in ministry, sat on a pedestal for all to see. But that "good" feeling was fleeting. In hindsight, I felt empty. But I guess, it was better in a sense that it was relatively easier. Life's less hard when you think you're effing great.

But is sitting in my shit better? 75% of me says "YES!" This is keeping things real. Keeping things in the right perspective. Where in the bible does it say that I have to be bright and shiny? Am I supposed to rejoice in the LORD because of the circumstances of my life and my self-esteem, or am I supposed to rejoice in HIM because of who He is--regardless of my circumstances? I am a flawed human being. Lots and lots of flaws. I am getting in touch with a lot of these flaws. I can name most of them. I have specifics. It's no longer a generalized "I am broken and a sinner" schpiel. It's no longer false humility. I KNOW I am messed up. And I could potentially tell you exactly in which ways I am broken and what specific sins I struggle to overcome. A lot of things have been opened up in my life and there's no going back. It would be foolish to put bandaids on huge open sores or to ignore these wounds because infection and gangrene is a real problem, says the aspiring nurse.

Is this better? It's not the kind of better that you would put in a bottle and reproduce in massive amounts to sell to all your friends. It's not the kind of better that Joel Olsteen tries to sell in his books, that tries to "help" people be a "better" them.

With all that to say, I can't ignore that fact that I feel less empty than I used to, when I was doing all the "right" things. I feel more alive now than I ever have--angsty, maybe angry, a tad bit resentful, confused, but alive. But I don't like feeling confused. I like having all my ducks in a row!

I don't know how to end this. I don't want to just say something that I'm supposed to say or come full circle just cause that's what good writers do. While the venting did help, I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't come full circle about my life in the last 20-30 minutes that I've spent writing all of this down. I do see the good in all my wrestling, but there's still a part of me that's on the fence about it all.

What I can say, with all confidence is this: Jesus loves me. He's here with me, ever present with me on this journey. He is not condemning me or judging me. His Spirit is with me, guiding me and encouraging me, giving me peace amidst the confusion.

No Zombies

I was thinking about life, praying, reflecting on the past couple of days--
my red fleece blanket and I joining forces to combat the coldness of my apartment.
With the feeling coming back to my toes and fingers, I felt the rawness of it all...
...the stripping of the things that I used to find security in, leaving me feeling naked and vulnerable,
my newfound friendship with a lesbian couple, who welcomed me into their home and offered me tea and wonderful conversation, and how I felt Christ's presence so palpably there...
...wrestling with what it means to be a Christian and to follow God outside of the "should's" and "should nots" that our christian culture offers as the means to follow Christ "rightly..."

What does it all mean?
What does it mean for me?

I feel like I'm awakening.

I am coming alive. The person, the individual that Jesus made is waking up from her zombie-like state.

The One in Which Hosea marries a Ho'...

Not to digress too much, but the post title is inspired by my current obsession with "Friends." I was never really allowed to watch it when I was younger, which was probably a good thing. Now that I'm a grown-up, I find it so funny. And laughing is like a drug that I cannot ever get enough of...

Anyway,

I've never really reflected on the book of Hosea before, mostly because I don't understand it and it makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, the whole story of Hosea and Gomer seems so sick and twisted and cruel. But I think some part of me connected to Hosea today. The notion that God often asks us to do things that we don't understand and asks us to do things that are seemingly, or blatantly, outside the status quo is kind of hitting me in the face right now. Not that I'm doing anything in particular that speaks to this. I ain't speakin' to no burning bush outside my house and I'm not about to marry a male prostitute, at least God hasn't communicated that to me....yet. But in any case, it's good to be reminded that just because things are hard/weird, or doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense and people are not necessarily jumping on your bandwagon and advising you to get off it--it doesn't mean that it's outside of God's will. A wise man, by the name of Mark Twain once said, "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

In Hosea's case, God told him to marry a prostitute, in order to demonstrate His active pursuit of the wayward and adulterous Israel and how He eventually wins them over (in their surrender) because of His unfailing and merciful love.

I asked myself, what in the hell do you suppose people around Hosea thought about this little ordeal. Hosea, being a prophet of God, finds himself a woman on the street who sells her body for sex and marries her! I can't even imagine how that would play out today! What did people, that Hosea was trying to reach, think about that? More profoundly, what was Hosea thinking/feeling through all of this? Hosea, being a mere human being, might've wondered, 'why me?' Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing this too much, but I believe that it's in the Bible for a reason and those reasons, I believe, are in part --but definitely not limited to--- the usual overstated explanations (i.e revealing God's true nature, seeing ourselves reflected in Israel's disloyalty and unfaithfulness, etc). What if we siphoned out a sense of reality from all this? Old testament characters might be ancient, but that doesn't make them less human than we are now.

As I continue to think about Hosea, I think about the realities of living a life with the intention of following Jesus. The pursuit of God, in our feeble attempts to stay true to what He is asking us to do, which SO goes against the grain of our selfish nature, will cause a lot of physical, emotional and mental tension. And this tension, this wrestling that can lead us to a degree of distress and agony--should we choose to engage the hard realities of life--is us wrestling with our own human limitations. Limitations can be our selfishness, or underlying issues that stem from our past experiences, which can often disrupt the happy, bubbly world we desire to live in.

So with all that to say, maybe Hosea's ordeal was not just for Israel to learn from. Maybe Hosea had to learn a lot about himself, too.

Whatever it is that we find ourselves wrestling with, it's good to remember that God has our backs. And that He's not allowing us to go through hard situations just for the "fun of it." He's always purposeful. And through each hard thing that we endure--fiery trials, dark nights of the soul, a season of drought, etc-- He teaches us, not just about Him, but about US and He makes us a better version of ourselves. He makes us more Jesus-like.

And that...was a lot of self-preaching.

No sleep for 13.5 hours.

Overthinkers alike would probably agree that while we are reflective people, we are also kind of neuroticly negative & tirelessly critical. I almost envy the "glass half-full" individuals, who see the world through their rose-colored glasses and never think to dig deep or overturn anything that may come their way. Overthinkers may be more self-aware, but self-awareness may often slip into misery if allowed to run its course unchecked.

How nice it would be to just "be."
To not have to analyze every. single. minute. detail/emotion/day-to-day happenings.
To just be in the moment and love it. Love the people, the place, the thing that I'm in the moment with.
To don those rose-colored glasses and breathe in rainbows, and spew out glittering messages of happy-go-luckiness.

I reflect on this because the nurse that I am currently precepting with at Children's Hospital of Orange County spews nothing but hearts, rainbows and lucky stars. I spent 12 hours with her and she was a blast. Mostly because she is noticeable happy in a very genuine way. She may be blissfully ignorant, but I think she chooses to be that way. Or maybe she's not. Who knows? I just assumed that she was ignorant of life's troubles because I'm a jerk. Overthinkers, like me, are often cynical of people like her. The overanalyst in me wondered what sort of hidden pain she must be concealing from herself. Then I stopped myself. Who the hell cares? The woman is freakin' happy. Let her be happy. I realized that I could learn something from her.

I want to be a reflective, deep person. But a happy one. I guess I don't really want to be less self aware. But I guess I don't want my self-awareness to impede on the fact that I'm supposed to have joy exceeding from the depths of my soul. I don't think Jesus meant for me to be dwell on the negative. It's about time that I change that.

...

when life feels shitty, or when we are reminded of how shitty it can be, this a great promise to cling on to:

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." [Ephesians 3:20]

Un-accidental.

These thoughts came to me a few moments ago, and I feel compelled to share: "Suffering meets its turning point when we are able to say, 'Lord, let Your will be done.' And it no longer becomes suffering, but a heart of surrender."

In my young life, I've discovered that lessons learned from various seasons of life often find a converging point--a focal point, if you will. And this focal point is likened to a coat rack, and every coat that I've managed to collect over the past few months can be hung upon it. I titled this post "Un-accidental," partly because of the devotional today in Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest devotional blog and partly because I came to this focal point through a series of purposeful events. Anyway, the devotional from O.C's blog says:

The circumstances of a saint’s life are ordained of God. In the life of a saint there is no such thing as chance. God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you...

I read it this morning and my mind was floored. I was drinking my homemade breakfast smoothie and my mouth dropped open, causing some of the smoothie to leak out the corner of my mouth. It was very unattractive. But I was struck with the profundity of Chamber's words and I felt that God was speaking very clearly to me. Smoothie could leak out of my nose, for all I care. In that moment, a light bulb had turned on in my brain.

It was like my life was flashing before my eyes and circumstance after circumstance were being projected onto the forefront of my mind. I am truly amazed at how God has used people, books and life events to bring me to this focal point of surrender. All the hard things that have happened were not for nothing. I knew this in my head, of course, having grown up in church, but this idea has finally dropped down the 12 inches from my head, to the very bottom of my heart.

I have been reading Surrender to Love by David Benner and the book couldn't have found its ways into my hands at a more perfect time. This is what I love about God's providence and His sovereignty. His sovereignty is not so that He can wield it to show off how powerful He is, His sovereignty is for my good, for my transformation, for my heart to grow more in love and in awe of who He is.

And I've found, that adapting this heart of surrender and being mindful of it, life seems...smoother. It definitely has its bumps in the roads and those bumps simply remind me that God's ways are better and I can trust that things will smooth out, according to His perfect will. This kind of attitude definitely causes me to have a heart constantly bowed in prayer, lest I look away from Jesus and I find myself panicking and sinking slowly into the churning abyss of anxiety, like Peter did (Matthew 14:22-33).

With all that to say, I don't mean to pat my back for all these things that I'm learning. If it were not for God's love for me causing my own love for God to grow over the years, I wouldn't be here.

We know that all things work together for good to those who love God . . . —Romans 8:28

Life Quixotic

I find that the more I have to do in a week, the more time I spend blogging, daydreaming, facebooking, or taking myself out to a nice breakfast...

I woke up this morning and decided that I needed to have a solitary breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. I didn't even try to talk myself out of it. It just felt right. Thus, I drove over to the nearest Mimi's, sat myself down in a small two person booth and allowed the stresses and the cares of the day melt along with the butter on my deliciously warm carrot raisin nut muffin. Each bite was blissfully soothing for my weary soul.

Hah, weary. It's only Tuesday!

But if we look at the big picture, this feeling of tiredness is not just because of the stresses of this week, it's from the past 8 years of my life. Graduating come end of May means more than just receiving my bachelor's degree in nursing. And I am looking forward to not being a student for awhile.