The answer to boredom is a lobotomy.

"I need somewhere to fall apart"
"here, would you like to do so...in my arms?"
[insert flashing debonair smile and Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love." ]

yes, my head came up with that all on it's own. sometimes I wonder if my brain actually belongs to me. it's quite possible that I had a brain transplant earlier on in life. one would assume that I'd remember something as significant as a lobotomy except that...I would have a new brain, therefore, deeming all previous memories obsolete.

I think I say those things, mostly, to amuse myself. I'm sure you're amused, too. But please don't judge me... I'm just bored.

I've been listening to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova sing and lament about the pains of unrequited love. I love the songs that they sing. They're simplistic and depressing, but beautiful, nonetheless. The songs are also inspiring; so much so that I have written my own lament about my exasperated (past) experiences with romance. I doubt that anyone will actually hear this song, though. It's not something I see myself playing for anyone; it's kind of embarrassing. And no, the lines that I began this journal entry with are not part of my song. (Though that would be ridiculously hysterical).

on a less related note: today, my brain forgot that it was March.

Oh, Sanctification.

God has been doing amazing things in my life in the past 2 weeks. Things that I never would've dreamed of. It's like God has marked these past 14 days of my life as my Ebeneezer; a moment in time that I can clearly remember how God has proven Himself faithful.

One would think that God is working so powerfully in my life because I have been doing everything on the Christian "to-do" list, which include--but is not limited to--the following: being in the Word everyday, having my life in perfect order, doing devotions on a timely basis, going to church every Sunday...and the "list" goes on...

Ironically, that is not the case. My life is sort of a disaster right now. I am painfully behind in school work, I have been having the hardest time getting up in the morning, I have lost a lot of self-control (nor am I making a valiant effort to control or hedge my self indulgence), I have become less punctual, I missed church last Sunday because I stayed up till 3 in the morning babysitting for my voice teacher... and the list goes on. Yes, it seems that I have acquired an acute sense of irresponsibility. And let's not get on the topic of how I have somewhat, emotionally and mentally, abandoned my role as an RA...I might start crying.

Please do not mistake my tone as one of callous indifference, because I do cringe upon the realization that I have digressed greatly in my responsibilities. In a lot of ways, I am in sin. I am being lazy and unmotivated. I need a lot of prayer and I need to change. Which is exactly the point that I'm trying to make: God is blessing me, even when my life is in shambles so that all I can do is be completely flattened by humility, paralyzed by my inability to boast about anything, but God's glory. God is blessing me the most when I least deserve it!

By saying this I am in no way endorsing living an intentionally, unmotivated life. Christians should always strive hard to live righteously and faithfully for the LORD. Something that I am currently convicting myself of right now, as we speak (or rather the Holy Spirit is convicting me...) However, when things are in life are wonderful and amazing, there is the temptation to pat ourselves on the back, look smugly at God and say, "yes, of course I was offered that job, it's because I've been praying for it everyday and reading the book of James and memorized all of proverbs. God you have me that job because I am the picture of the Proverbs 31 woman!" How foolish we humans can be to think that God gives us good things because we deserve it. God blesses us because He is a good God, who loves us unconditionally.

With all the things that God has blessed me with over the course of these 14 days, all I can say is, "Woe is me, for I deserve none of these good things. All these good things are from you Lord. I do not deserve them and I am a crumpled, tangled mess on the ground because of this matchless grace You have shown me. "

At long last.

I am going to be a nurse. I have finally, been accepted into a nursing program. This is so wonderful! (The fact that a small aspect of my life has reached this level of certainty is a little overwhelming.)

Coming home with such good news has put my parents in the best mood I've seen them in since...the day my brother, Lenard, got the Student of the Year award in 6th grade. That's probably an over-exaggeration. However, I do sort of feel like I'm their favorite child right now. Maybe it's a combination of their dreams coming true and my coming home after being away for about three months, but I am being showered with love and presents. I'm not complaining. But it is rather awkward at times. I never know what to do when special attention is aimed right at me.

ugh. I feel a tangent coming on... oh my, here it goes:

I wish I were more articulate and had more clever words to say, at this point. But I guess I don't need to be that creative all the time. Though it would be nice. I'd probably have more friends if I were able to write journal entries that had more profound things to say. I actually used to be better at writing sentences. Now, I'm annoyingly straightforward and choppy. I'd prefer to have more complex sentence structures filled with illusory vocabulary and astute similes and metaphors.

But...no such luck.

At least I'm going to be a nurse someday. I suppose that's better than being a good writer. Right?

A woman's mind can be a dangerous thing...

or it can be a wonderful thing...
or it can be frustrating thing...
a flexible thing?

a spontaneously combustible thing?

a spaghetti-like, non-waffle, unable to compartmentalize thing?

over-complicated, never simplistic thing?

hmmm...

A Love I never imagined (part 1)

Picture Egypt. The era of Pharoahs and lavish empires, vast empires built by blood, sweat and tears of the Hebrew people. The sting of the whip on the backs of Hebrew slaves is not as violent as the sting of hope fading. These people have been slaves for a long time. They cry out to God with their eyes closed, hands thrown up in the air, grasping their heads, as they fall on their knees to the ground. And for after years of prayer they still remained as they were, mere slaves-- robbed of their dignity and their freedom. Has their God forsaken them? Have they been abandoned? Is it foolishness to hang on to hope, when the Egyptians tried their hardest every day to beat it out of them?

BUT GOD..."heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them." (Exodus 2:24-25).

This is just the beginning of God proving His love for His people. I have always loved the story of Moses leading God's people out of Egypt. His mercy is so evident in His deliverance of the Israelites from an oppressive monarchy.

"The LORD said, 'I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers and I am concerned about their suffering. so I have come down to rescue them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey...and now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them.'" (Exodus 3:8-9)

And who does God send to deliver His people? A humble shepherd from the desert, a man who has been exiled from the house of Pharaoh...a man by the name of Moses.

Why did God choose to use Moses? God was more than capable of destroying the Egyptian empire on His own? Was it not God, who commanded the universe into existence? Demolishing the vast Egyptian dynasty would've been too easy? But why did God choose to use a humble and lowly human being, such as Moses?

This journal entry might seem scattered. But I am just in awe of the story of the Exodus. How God proved His greatness, His power, His sovereignty...and His love for His people, His children. And most of all, I think that this story really should remind us of how much we should LOVE God and make us think of what that kind of love should look like. It is a love that we never imagined, a different love from what we know of love now. And we should love God because of how GREAT He is. We should truly stand in awe of His might.

Dabble.

i like to take photographs.

that one is a shopping cart, up close and personal.

this one i call, "black hills in an ivory sea..."


daisies and polka dots make an interesting paradox.


playing with the lighting. this is at the Cayucos pier.


my friend Callan. Endearing.


friends helping friends.


muscles of a different kind.


unfortunately, their faces stayed that way.


the "band photo"


oh, Joy.


the best friend.


america's next top models?

my beautiful friend Jennie. At the Land of the Disney.


apparently, it is the happiest place on earth.


we can't be that late.



oooh. mardi gras beads.

that is all for now. i have recently acquired a polaroid camera (found one in the thrift store for $3!), thus, I have now a small obsession with polaroid pictures. I want to scan them and post them up soon...

toodles.

Breadcrumbs.

To want things to be normal means to redefine normalcy. A part of me wishes being "normal" was more objective. I am torn between the thoughts that I should be thinking and the thoughts I would rather not think. Both dance around in my head, like two roosters, forced to fight one another-- egged on by evil men in the background. Maybe I should resign to accept things the way they are. But where does one draw the line between accepting and giving up? Or perhaps there isn't a line at all. Perhaps the truth is more severe than I have come to realize. There is no line. The black and white has forever joined into this menacing and bitter gray.