No Zombies

I was thinking about life, praying, reflecting on the past couple of days--
my red fleece blanket and I joining forces to combat the coldness of my apartment.
With the feeling coming back to my toes and fingers, I felt the rawness of it all...
...the stripping of the things that I used to find security in, leaving me feeling naked and vulnerable,
my newfound friendship with a lesbian couple, who welcomed me into their home and offered me tea and wonderful conversation, and how I felt Christ's presence so palpably there...
...wrestling with what it means to be a Christian and to follow God outside of the "should's" and "should nots" that our christian culture offers as the means to follow Christ "rightly..."

What does it all mean?
What does it mean for me?

I feel like I'm awakening.

I am coming alive. The person, the individual that Jesus made is waking up from her zombie-like state.

The One in Which Hosea marries a Ho'...

Not to digress too much, but the post title is inspired by my current obsession with "Friends." I was never really allowed to watch it when I was younger, which was probably a good thing. Now that I'm a grown-up, I find it so funny. And laughing is like a drug that I cannot ever get enough of...

Anyway,

I've never really reflected on the book of Hosea before, mostly because I don't understand it and it makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, the whole story of Hosea and Gomer seems so sick and twisted and cruel. But I think some part of me connected to Hosea today. The notion that God often asks us to do things that we don't understand and asks us to do things that are seemingly, or blatantly, outside the status quo is kind of hitting me in the face right now. Not that I'm doing anything in particular that speaks to this. I ain't speakin' to no burning bush outside my house and I'm not about to marry a male prostitute, at least God hasn't communicated that to me....yet. But in any case, it's good to be reminded that just because things are hard/weird, or doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense and people are not necessarily jumping on your bandwagon and advising you to get off it--it doesn't mean that it's outside of God's will. A wise man, by the name of Mark Twain once said, "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

In Hosea's case, God told him to marry a prostitute, in order to demonstrate His active pursuit of the wayward and adulterous Israel and how He eventually wins them over (in their surrender) because of His unfailing and merciful love.

I asked myself, what in the hell do you suppose people around Hosea thought about this little ordeal. Hosea, being a prophet of God, finds himself a woman on the street who sells her body for sex and marries her! I can't even imagine how that would play out today! What did people, that Hosea was trying to reach, think about that? More profoundly, what was Hosea thinking/feeling through all of this? Hosea, being a mere human being, might've wondered, 'why me?' Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing this too much, but I believe that it's in the Bible for a reason and those reasons, I believe, are in part --but definitely not limited to--- the usual overstated explanations (i.e revealing God's true nature, seeing ourselves reflected in Israel's disloyalty and unfaithfulness, etc). What if we siphoned out a sense of reality from all this? Old testament characters might be ancient, but that doesn't make them less human than we are now.

As I continue to think about Hosea, I think about the realities of living a life with the intention of following Jesus. The pursuit of God, in our feeble attempts to stay true to what He is asking us to do, which SO goes against the grain of our selfish nature, will cause a lot of physical, emotional and mental tension. And this tension, this wrestling that can lead us to a degree of distress and agony--should we choose to engage the hard realities of life--is us wrestling with our own human limitations. Limitations can be our selfishness, or underlying issues that stem from our past experiences, which can often disrupt the happy, bubbly world we desire to live in.

So with all that to say, maybe Hosea's ordeal was not just for Israel to learn from. Maybe Hosea had to learn a lot about himself, too.

Whatever it is that we find ourselves wrestling with, it's good to remember that God has our backs. And that He's not allowing us to go through hard situations just for the "fun of it." He's always purposeful. And through each hard thing that we endure--fiery trials, dark nights of the soul, a season of drought, etc-- He teaches us, not just about Him, but about US and He makes us a better version of ourselves. He makes us more Jesus-like.

And that...was a lot of self-preaching.

No sleep for 13.5 hours.

Overthinkers alike would probably agree that while we are reflective people, we are also kind of neuroticly negative & tirelessly critical. I almost envy the "glass half-full" individuals, who see the world through their rose-colored glasses and never think to dig deep or overturn anything that may come their way. Overthinkers may be more self-aware, but self-awareness may often slip into misery if allowed to run its course unchecked.

How nice it would be to just "be."
To not have to analyze every. single. minute. detail/emotion/day-to-day happenings.
To just be in the moment and love it. Love the people, the place, the thing that I'm in the moment with.
To don those rose-colored glasses and breathe in rainbows, and spew out glittering messages of happy-go-luckiness.

I reflect on this because the nurse that I am currently precepting with at Children's Hospital of Orange County spews nothing but hearts, rainbows and lucky stars. I spent 12 hours with her and she was a blast. Mostly because she is noticeable happy in a very genuine way. She may be blissfully ignorant, but I think she chooses to be that way. Or maybe she's not. Who knows? I just assumed that she was ignorant of life's troubles because I'm a jerk. Overthinkers, like me, are often cynical of people like her. The overanalyst in me wondered what sort of hidden pain she must be concealing from herself. Then I stopped myself. Who the hell cares? The woman is freakin' happy. Let her be happy. I realized that I could learn something from her.

I want to be a reflective, deep person. But a happy one. I guess I don't really want to be less self aware. But I guess I don't want my self-awareness to impede on the fact that I'm supposed to have joy exceeding from the depths of my soul. I don't think Jesus meant for me to be dwell on the negative. It's about time that I change that.

...

when life feels shitty, or when we are reminded of how shitty it can be, this a great promise to cling on to:

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." [Ephesians 3:20]

Un-accidental.

These thoughts came to me a few moments ago, and I feel compelled to share: "Suffering meets its turning point when we are able to say, 'Lord, let Your will be done.' And it no longer becomes suffering, but a heart of surrender."

In my young life, I've discovered that lessons learned from various seasons of life often find a converging point--a focal point, if you will. And this focal point is likened to a coat rack, and every coat that I've managed to collect over the past few months can be hung upon it. I titled this post "Un-accidental," partly because of the devotional today in Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest devotional blog and partly because I came to this focal point through a series of purposeful events. Anyway, the devotional from O.C's blog says:

The circumstances of a saint’s life are ordained of God. In the life of a saint there is no such thing as chance. God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you...

I read it this morning and my mind was floored. I was drinking my homemade breakfast smoothie and my mouth dropped open, causing some of the smoothie to leak out the corner of my mouth. It was very unattractive. But I was struck with the profundity of Chamber's words and I felt that God was speaking very clearly to me. Smoothie could leak out of my nose, for all I care. In that moment, a light bulb had turned on in my brain.

It was like my life was flashing before my eyes and circumstance after circumstance were being projected onto the forefront of my mind. I am truly amazed at how God has used people, books and life events to bring me to this focal point of surrender. All the hard things that have happened were not for nothing. I knew this in my head, of course, having grown up in church, but this idea has finally dropped down the 12 inches from my head, to the very bottom of my heart.

I have been reading Surrender to Love by David Benner and the book couldn't have found its ways into my hands at a more perfect time. This is what I love about God's providence and His sovereignty. His sovereignty is not so that He can wield it to show off how powerful He is, His sovereignty is for my good, for my transformation, for my heart to grow more in love and in awe of who He is.

And I've found, that adapting this heart of surrender and being mindful of it, life seems...smoother. It definitely has its bumps in the roads and those bumps simply remind me that God's ways are better and I can trust that things will smooth out, according to His perfect will. This kind of attitude definitely causes me to have a heart constantly bowed in prayer, lest I look away from Jesus and I find myself panicking and sinking slowly into the churning abyss of anxiety, like Peter did (Matthew 14:22-33).

With all that to say, I don't mean to pat my back for all these things that I'm learning. If it were not for God's love for me causing my own love for God to grow over the years, I wouldn't be here.

We know that all things work together for good to those who love God . . . —Romans 8:28

Life Quixotic

I find that the more I have to do in a week, the more time I spend blogging, daydreaming, facebooking, or taking myself out to a nice breakfast...

I woke up this morning and decided that I needed to have a solitary breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. I didn't even try to talk myself out of it. It just felt right. Thus, I drove over to the nearest Mimi's, sat myself down in a small two person booth and allowed the stresses and the cares of the day melt along with the butter on my deliciously warm carrot raisin nut muffin. Each bite was blissfully soothing for my weary soul.

Hah, weary. It's only Tuesday!

But if we look at the big picture, this feeling of tiredness is not just because of the stresses of this week, it's from the past 8 years of my life. Graduating come end of May means more than just receiving my bachelor's degree in nursing. And I am looking forward to not being a student for awhile.

November.

I love first days of the month. They're like mini-reset buttons in life for me. I woke with a profound sense of newness, that feels as refreshing as the crisp, cool autumn morning.

Anyway, I just came back from a church retreat this weekend. Having spent the last 10 years, heavily immersed in church activities, I am no stranger to retreats. But this one was different. I think it's because the church that I've been attending for the last 8 months has been so different from any churches that I've ever been to. It's so amazingly different that I don't even like calling it a "church," because the word "church" has become a negative buzz word for so many people, including myself. Not the the "church," or the body of Christ, is in any way a bad thing, but Christians, have really botched things up, I think, in presenting the church in a good light. There have been so many people hurt, criticized, ostracized and estranged by the very thing that is supposed to represent the love of Christ to the rest of the world. And it's not only non-Christians, who have been hurt. There are a surprising amount of Christians who have been hurt by the church, too.

So, I like to call my church, a community of faithful people. Because it truly is a community of love and acceptance. Not only does Fountain of Life, loves and accepts those, that I believe other churches would not, but it is a place where God's word is preached boldly, where people are challenged to examine their hearts and encouraged to apply the message of the Gospel in practical, everyday living. I think that Fountain of Life's values are clearly articulated in these words: "Deeper in Christ. Further in mission." It is a place that I've really come to embrace the love of God and have come to grips with the fact that there is no way I can do the will of God, if I do not truly have a deep and heartfelt understanding of His love for me and for His people.

I feel so blessed to have spent the weekend with these people who treat me like I am part of their family. I have never felt so accepted for who I am, just the way I am. I am so amazed to see how God's love is truly transformational and so tangible when His people are intentional about showing it. I am excited about this church family. It's the kind of family that I would bring my lesbian/gay friends, too. I would bring cynics, atheists, agnostics, hypercalvinists, extreme fundamentalists and anyone from any other religion to this place, knowing and trusting that they would be loved and accepted as they are. It is so refreshing for me to realize that I am part of something that really seeks to reflect God's grace. And it's been so challenging for me to to really seek to trust that it is God's love and the message of Christ that transforms a person from the inside out. I am reminded constantly that He didn't require of me to have all my ducks in a row and to clean up my act before I could come to Him. No, He came to Earth. He became a human being. He died on the Cross. He came to me. He reached out to me. And thus, my outreach to others should be in the same way.

This weekend has been about Fountain of Life challenging me to live incarnationally. I realized that I have neighbors all around me that I don't even talk to, people that I can build relationships with and share the love of God with. I am so excited about this, but also kind of scared because I know it's not going to be easy, especially because I can be so selfish with my time and tend to be kind of disobedient. I trust that God will help me, through the Holy Spirit. So I'm being realistic...but still really excited!

Thus, I am looking forward to what November will bring :)