Unravel

a soul can be a never-ending
line of knots and twisted things
formed into a noose,
to threaten the livelihood of one
man's being

a soul may never know
the wide open spaces
it was meant to roam,
falling into the depths
of fear,
before it can make its way home

a soul may never know
fully the vastness of its Creator,
as it fashions for itself
rules and regulations,
subjecting itself to
shallow externalizations

a soul is meant to seek its
Master, unhinged and unhindered
from the threats of the former
misgivings and
misconstructions,
lies and contradictions,
unexamined proclamations,
of truths without contemplation,
of the implication
of truth's real meaning.


a soul is meant to be meaningful,
and full of life,
a reflection of the One,
who breathes life
into being.

The One Where Kendra locks herself outside.

There are some days that are just more eventful/funny than others:

My roommate and good friend, Kendra feel that our lives, separately and together would make for good tv sitcom material.  Our tv sitcom would be called: Our Neighbor, Luigi--  In honor of our eccentric and endearing neighbor, who is 45 years old, lives with an asian man (no relations) and his mother, who frequently leaves the house to walk her poodle (dyed pink, of course), with her hair in rollers, and a cigarette hanging loosely on the corner of her mouth.

Anyway, this morning, Kendra had a friend come over for breakfast. And being a nice friend that she is, she decided to walk her friend out to her car, unbeknownst to her at the time that she, out of force of habit, had locked the door as she closed it.  Kendra realized her dilemma when she attempted to let herself in.  She wasn't too worried, though, because she knew that her trusty roommate, Linell, would hear the doorbell/ knocking and let her back in shortly.

And in true sitcom fashion, where timing is everything, this is about the time that I decide to take a shower.  While I was in the bathroom, I heard the distant clinging of bells,  but since I didn't realize that we had a doorbell--how I missed this, I am not sure--I thought that I was just hearing things. I had been taking a lot of aspirin lately for pain, so I thought I developed a case of tinnitus and made a mental note to quit my pill-poppin.'

So, while I was showering, Kendra decided to walk around our apartment to my bedroom window and started knocking on it, thinking that I was still on my bed sleeping.  Of course, I was in the bathroom, so I didn't hear anything.  Kendra wondered to herself how deep a sleeper I was and also asked the age old question: "Why, God, Why?"  With nothing else to do, but to wait and hope that I would answer the door at some point, Kendra decided to pull some weeds in our backyard.  She also watered the plants on the front porch and emptied water that had pooled in one of the trashcans that we keep outside.

Still unaware of what was happening outside, I was taking my sweet time in the shower room.  When I finished, I sat in the middle of my room and pondered about what to do with my day and why I was hearing bells.  I must admit that I was mildly concerned.   At this point, my good friend Julianne called me.  We were on the phone for some time, when I heard loud knocking at my window.  I froze for a moment, until I heard a familiar voice say, "Linell? Linell? Can you...let me in?"  Then all of a sudden, it was like a lightbulb turned on in my head: "OH. I wasn't hearing bells...there was someone ringing our doorbell. And it was Kendra. Wait, we have a doorbell?"

So, Kendra was finally let in and she filled me in on her eventful and productive morning.  We laughed about the incident for sometime. Kendra saying that her life is like a sitcom and I agreed that funny things do happen to her.  The best part is how she can turn a frustrating situation into something hilarious.

Then we decided to get make the most of the day by getting coffee and beignets at the Jazz Kitchen in Downtown Disney.  It was also in honor of Team Gordo, a term originating from the fact that Kendra and her cousins love to eat junk food and lots of it when they get together.  I've recently become an honorary member when I joined the family for Thanksgiving dinner this past November.

After we got back, we watched a few episodes of TLC's "Say Yes To the Dress." Kendra watched, while I mostly judged.  I think the woman who needed three wedding dresses was kinda ridiculous.

Haha, what a day. And it's not over yet.  Two new friends from Newport, Josh and Dave, have decided to pick me up and take me to Newport to hang out.  Haven't done anything quite so spontaneous in quite some time.  But it definitely makes life more interesting.

Toodles.

The Civil Wars: Poison & Wine

I get to see these guys play Monday night @ Bardot in Hollywood. I am really excited.  This is currently my favorite song of theirs. It's just a very heartfelt song. I think we can all relate to some aspect of it--if we've ever felt the push and pull of finding ourselves in love with the wrong person...

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I still choose you

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will...

A belated Happy New Year's to you.

Proud to be, a minority: me, the token asian :)

This picture is really funny to me, not only because Sam and I are the only people actually looking at the camera (the other three were looking at Jimmy, who was drunk, who decided he wanted to take a picture, too), but because it was probably the most normal moment we had on New Year's eve.  It wasn't a bad night, per say.  But it was definitely weird.  In New Year's eve pasts, I've kept things pretty low key, but I decided to join my friends in Newport this year, because I wanted to do something different.  And to be completely honest,  I had no idea what to expect.

I guess the weirdest thing that happened to me was that I got kissed by a woman that I didn't know. Yup. After going to a couple house parties, my friends wanted me to experience this really shady bar called Pierce Street in Costa Mesa.  There was also promise of dancing and people watching, two things that enhance my life considerably.  When we got there, and after narrowly escaping a fight that broke out in the woman's bathroom (that smelled more like weed than anything else), my friends and I headed out to the dance floor.  Drunken people were abound, people of all shapes and sizes: cougars and dirty old men, women who wore too much clothing and women who wore too little, college freshmen, gangsta wanna be white men, OC housewives, guys who looked like they were Italian mobsters, standing along the sidelines, eyeing the dance floor greedily for their next prey... and the list goes on. 

The DJ was playing some pretty fun music and amidst me doing the robot and other fancy moves, I noticed a woman, probably in her late 30's walking over to me.  I am not really sure why I just stood there. I probably should've run away. But it all happened so quickly. She flung her arms around me and said, "I don't know you, but I loooooooooove you!" and kissed me briefly...on the lips. I basically ran away from her, ran from the dance floor and found Sam who was sitting by the bar.  I told him what happened and how mortified I felt.  He looked at me and said, "well, at least, somebody got kissed by a woman on New Year's."  I replied by punching him in the arm.

It's funny now, but still gross. Haha, I got kissed by a girl. And I didn't like it.

Toodles.

Ship me out tomorrow.

My head is swimming. My heart is pounding with excitement that I cannot fully express into words.  I sat down at Border's today, with Color magazine in hand--"the magazine for the rest of the world," the tagline says-- and was reminded of the vastness and the diversity and the numerous possibilities that life offers. The world is bigger than I thought it would be and I am eager to explore it, to meet and build meaningful relationships with other character's in God's story, to visit the many places He's built and created, to experience life as fully as I can...to maybe, hopefully, join forces with a male counterpart...somewhere down the line...

I want to leave the harbor--for a ship is built to explore the ocean, to carry cargo to various far off places, not to sit and rust in the "safety" of the harbor.

I'm ready.

My sentiments, exactly.

 I think I purposely didn't blog about Christmas yesterday just to fight my tendency to follow the social Christian norms, which involves writing all these spiritual things on and about December 25th.  Plus,  I wanted to go deeper about the meaning of Christmas, not just say what I would normally say...just to say it.  So I really, really thought about it--gave myself a time out, in the privacy of my own room.  As I really tried to think about the realities of what happened the night that Jesus was born, I found myself deeply moved by the fact that Jesus, the Word of God, the Person through whom all things were made and formed, came to earth as baby.  Being a nurse, I know exactly what that entails.  The birthing process is not all that magical.  It's gross. Not to mention, the fact that Mary gave birth in a stable of all places.  Talk about unsanitary.

I ask the question: why would God choose to do this?  Christ, the Savior of mankind, came to earth in such a humble way, when we all know that He is above this. Most of us came into the world in better conditions than Jesus did.  And most of our parents weren't involved in a situation that was nothing short of a scandal (unwed, betrothed, virgin girl pregnant by the...holy spirit??? what the what?!).

Jesus came into this broken world, through a less than ideal situation.  The King of Kings and LORD of Lords, was a carpenter's son, impoverished and on the bottom of the social totem pole. 

So, what?

I think I spent the last ten years of my life just focusing on my moral bankruptcies as a sinner during Christmas and my depravity which "caused" Jesus to come in this way. This did nothing for me in terms of really appreciating the significance of the occasion. I've come to realize that thinking in this way leads Christians to view God as someone who "had no other choice." That doesn't sound like a very loving God, or a God who actually cares about His creation.  I think God actually wanted to give humanity a fighting chance.

I think God wants Christians to view Christ's birth in heartfelt awe and admiration, which is hard to do when we're trying to so hard to wrestle up some sort of emotion about Christmas, but all we seem to come up with is (a) nothing significant or (b) residual guilt from focusing too much on how sinful we are & yadda yadda.

Of course, recognizing our sin and the fact that we are broken, sinful people is important.  True repentance is not possible without admitting to God, and also importantly, to ourselves, our own brokenness, shortcomings and failures.  How can we truly be moved to follow Jesus, if we don't have a truly moving reason to do so?

But to focus also on God's plan to bring Jesus into the world as He did, not just our sinfulness, is deeply moving because it demonstrates God's love and His tenderness towards us and our human condition.

It's so subtle, yet so grand. The birth of Jesus, His humble beginnings and His compassion towards the broken, the poor in spirit, the marginalized and the hurting was all part of God's plan to save us.  Not only from Hell, but from the "hell" that we experience here on Earth.  Jesus came the way that He did so that He can connect to us in our brokenness and we can find hope in Him when life, or our shit, threatens to overpower us.  What makes this so significant is that Jesus has been there.  He himself knows brokenness. He is also called the "man of many sorrows." I think this is why He connected with those who were hurting, not just physically, but socially and emotionally.

Christ's birth and His life & ministry is also particularly significant when one reflects on all the rules and particularities of being holy and following the laws in the Old Testament.  Praise God that we don't have to focus on rituals! It is this freedom in Christ that should bring us to worship Him and to live our lives for Him.  In this way, we are inherently motivated by love and awe, instead of just fear.

There is true and real comfort in thinking about the realities of how Jesus came to earth and how He lived His life.  If anything, it should be what truly motivate us to worship and adore Him.

I'm funny. "It's a strength."

Since my blog is usually a place where I dump, or unload--if you will--my deep thoughts and profound reflections, I don't think that it necessarily showcases the fact that I'm a really funny person. And you, apparently, need to know this. I don't know why I feel like I need to talk about this, but we'll just go with it...

It's been a running joke between me and my good friend, Kendra. We both like to affirm ourselves (and each other) in how funny we both are--which I think is funny, in and of itself. It may be subjectively funny... though I'd like to think that it is also objectively funny.

I'm feeling particularly funny right now. Though, the only outlet I have is facebook (and now blogger). Wow, that is sad. And I'm in Fresno (or Fres-negatory) for the holidays, which I feel, is a really boring place to live compared to living in Southern California. Yeah, that's right. La Habra is the shit. Well, comparatively. It's not La Habra, per say, that is the shit, but it's proximity to everything else...that is the shit. Disneyland from La Habra: 15 minutes. Disneyland from Fresno: 4 and a half hours. See?

I think being funny is not only a strength and a social catalyst...I think it's also a great defense mechanism. I think I become extra silly when certain life situations threaten to undermine my already loosening grip on the brighter side of life. The stress of nursing school will do this. I recall having a worm-off with a friend of mine right before taking a midterm. Yup. In the classroom. This only came up because I was intent on learning how to do the worm the night before, when I had a midterm to study for, a research paper to write and clinical hours to complete that week.

A few nights ago, when I was out with some friends from out of town, I ordered a sex on the beach, which apparently was 3 parts vodka and 2 parts juice. You know, I try...but I don't hold my liquor too well. Especially when I was halfway into the drink just a few minutes after it was set down before me (I think I was feeling particularly angsty that night). This guy named Gregg joined us and it was interesting to meet someone new under these.... terms. I was kind of buzzin, or "thoroughly relaxed." And me being "relaxed" equals me having no filter whatsoever. Not that I have much of a filter anyway, but I was saying things to him that I normally wouldn't have said to an attractive guy that I just barely met. Plus, he was there to catch up with my friend Elise. Part of me feels kind of bad for sort of just...taking over the conversation. By the end of the night, he was mostly talking to me, though I think he was mostly making fun of me. In hindsight, everybody else at the table seemed to be laughing at me, too. My friend Tim had posted some things that I said on facebook. You know it's a good night when most of what you say is deemed quote worthy by a software engineer, who usually only appreciates dry humor. Anyway, my sassy/feistyness earned me a side hug from Gregg at the end of night (score!), which was nice. Hah. It was nice to know that he thought I was funny. Or maybe he thought I was a freakin' weirdo. Doesn't matter, cause it's unlikely that I'll see him again.

So being funny. A strength. Haha, not sure where I'm going with this anymore. I just want to let you know, people who read my blog, whoever you may be, that I am a funny person.