Acceptance.

I spent Monday and part of Tuesday up in Idyllwild, CA.  I had never gone on a solo retreat before--I guess I never saw the need for it.  But in light of recent events and ever growing burden on my weary heart, I knew I needed to go.

It was a gorgeous house on top of the mountain, surrounded by nature and I had it all to myself.  The owners, a couple who heard God call them to build this retreat center, really provided a place of safety, comfort and peace.  It's a place dedicated for weary travelers to find their center once again in Jesus.

I had never been happier than when I was sitting alone in that huge house by myself.  There was silence and the grandiose view of mountains and towering pine trees.  I even went on a hike to a place called "Inspiration Point."  And I sat there for hours just reflecting on my life, amidst nature, and connecting with God in a way that I hadn't in a long time.

It was there on the mountain top that I was able to see clearly all the burdens that I had been carrying: anger, resentment, holding on to a sense of control and not wanting to let go of it, most importantly--an unwillingness to accept my life and all the pain and hardship that I have endured and my personal struggles that I battle with on a day to day basis.   I wrestled with the thought that I merely had to accept the pain, when pain is, well, so painful.  What would that acceptance mean?  Would that mean that I would allow myself to sit in that pain?  Does that mean I can't always expect God to do something about it? Does that mean accepting that God may never do anything about it?

It was good to get away, to think, to process.  But as soon as I came back down from the mountain--I saw that life didn't change.  I wasn't really expecting it to.  It's still hard and I still have my issues.  However, it's like my pain had never been quite so blatantly exposed in front of me.  The difference is, though I wrestled with it for a while last night, I woke up tired and humbled this morning.  I need to accept my life and my pain.  And I think I am doing that as I sit here blogging about it.  I woke up this morning and called to mind truth that God is in it with me, working in me and bringing me to a place where I will see that it is worth it.  I don't know when that will be but I'm not trying to put a limit on it anymore. 

The paradoxical nature of acceptance is letting go of my need to get away from pain in order to bring God in.  Trusting in God then means that I'm not simply sitting here, but digging deeply into the root of my pain and working through it to find healing. 

With all that to say, I accept my life.  I accept my humility. I accept that restoration may happen, or may it not happen the way I want it to.  I accept that restoration may mean something completely unexpected.  I accept the unexpected.  I accept my pain and the sadness that comes with it from time to time.  I accept the not-so-ideals, the unfulfilled desires, the blessings in disguises, and the waiting.  I accept myself and who God has made me to be, even the parts that seem less desirable to others--especially to myself-- the parts that God is currently renewing and restoring. I accept that God is good amidst the pain, that He is present whether or not I acknowledge it.

I accept it all.