This is a dear friend, Angi:
and she takes pictures like these:
You can find more of her work [here]
28.1.11
Inspiring.
I really love art and the various ways that it is expressed. Art and its expression gives life to the mundane. Photography is my favorite art form.
This is a dear friend, Angi:
and she takes pictures like these:
You can find more of her work [here]
This is a dear friend, Angi:
and she takes pictures like these:
You can find more of her work [here]
20.1.11
Reset
refresh.
restart.
renewed.
Today feels different. And I don't really know what that means because I've yet to develop an appropriate vocabulary for new experiences.
But I think this is a good thing. At least it feels like I'm one step closer to wherever I'm supposed to be.
restart.
renewed.
Today feels different. And I don't really know what that means because I've yet to develop an appropriate vocabulary for new experiences.
But I think this is a good thing. At least it feels like I'm one step closer to wherever I'm supposed to be.
13.1.11
After the Storm
This song was playing in my head when I woke up this morning, these words in particular:
There will come a time you'll see
with no more tears and love will not break your heart
but dismiss your fears
get over your hill and see
what you find there
with grace in your heart and flowers
in your hair...
12.1.11
On Sin and Digging Trenches
Since I've been on vacation and I have nothing imminent or pressing to attend to in the mornings, I find myself laying in bed, trying to unravel, or solve, life's mysteries within the first hour of my awakening.
This morning was no different.
My alarm went of at 9:00 but I was well awake before then, thinking about my life and random aspects of it. And while I was laying there thinking, the idea of sin floated through my mind. What is sin? And what ignoring sin or pretending like something isn't a sin can do for a person's soul. I pictured a determined scruffy young man, digging a trench in the country side somewhere. I don't know why he's digging this trench, but he's determined to get to something or maybe to escape from some unwelcomed unhappiness that has recently entered into his life. Somehow, in his toil and sweat, he finds satisfaction in the digging and as he gets deeper into his trench, in his mind, he's productively escaping from whatever it is that he's running from. However, as he digs deeper, he realizes that he's dug himself a hole that he can't climb out of. And he tries for sometime. But the dirt walls of this trench crumble apart as he tries to find his footing. Eventually he gives up. He sits there, at the bottom of his trench, feeling more hopeless and forgotten than he ever has before. He begins to think that death would be better than sitting alone in the darkness.
I've come to realize that living according to God's standards extends beyond the Ten Commandments (thou shalt not lie, or covet your neighbor's plasma screen, or steal it, etc). I think God gave Moses the Ten Commandments as a prototype, or model, a bullet point summary, if you will, of what God really wants out of His people--which is absolute devotion to Him. I am 99% sure that God wants me to find my happiness and joy in Him. I know that God wants me to include Him in my daily life, to be at the center of every big life changing decision, to spend most of my time thinking about Him, and to love Him more than I love anything else in this world, including my family, my significant other (if I had one), my friends and most especially, myself. And I know that He also wants me to treat other people well because He made them and thus I should respect and give worth to what He's created.
So, then, in light of all this, what is sin? The best and most sincere definition I can come up with right now is that it is an action, that begins with a thought that seeks to serve myself and causes harm to myself, my relationship with God and/or with other people. Furthermore, I think the issue of sin goes deeper, goes beyond just the act. Like the trench digger, I believe that people find themselves "in sin" when life becomes less ideal, or find that waiting on God's timing, or believing that God is good, seems pointless at a particular juncture in time. Sin begins as an impulse, when shovel first meets dirt--whether it's in rebellion or impatience, or hopelessness that leads to self-destruction.
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago at an Irish pub in Santa Barbara when I visited a friend for her birthday. He bought me a snakebite (pear cider and beer) and we proceeded to engage in a light-hearted conversation that quickly became a more deep and meaningful one. He told me that he used to recruit strippers for a local strip club, which was an interesting conversation in and of itself, but he immediately followed that by telling me that he was perpetually drunk. He asked me why I thought he was always drunk. I looked at him for a few seconds and said, "is there something about your life that you don't want to think about?" He smiled and raised his fist in air and said, "I hate my fuckin' life! It's pretty shitty. And my mind never stops thinking so I just drink till I'm happy." I told him that that made sense. People around us, raised their glasses. Of course, those who laughed and agreed with him were having a horrible week, too. One guy in particular said that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him on Christmas day and also tried to run him over with her car. He bought shots for everyone before he stumbled out of the pub to the next.
Humans, no matter how christian we are, cannot help ourselves from falling into sin, or digging our trenches. Especially, when we engage this broken world and entangle ourselves with broken people. I am not much different from those two guys I met at the bar. I get it. I know that the only thing holding me back from getting drunk off my ass is something supernatural, which is an overactive conscience, i.e. the Holy Spirit. So, that's one trench that I have yet to start digging, not to say that I haven't started several. I am an impatient, impulsive and selfish person after all. I know that sin becomes such a tantalizing option when the waiting gets too long, or when life is too overwhelming to engage or participate in, or when people are hurtful.
Sin is sin and it is the very reason why God sent Jesus Christ to die on the Cross, to pay the death penalty that sinning against God requires. And because of this great act of mercy, there is always hope for sinners like me: God's grace is the ladder that comes down into my trenches and helps me climb out of it. And His love is what welcomes me back home with a hug and warm cup of chamomille tea. Mmm.
I know that I've lived the majority of my Christian life, trying not to sin. But I've recently thrown that template for life out of the proverbial window because a human being simply cannot just NOT sin. If we could just stop, then Jesus wouldn't have had to make the ultimate sacrifice. Contrary to popular belief, becoming a Christian does not make one less human, if anything it makes one more aware of their humanity. This is not to say that Christians shouldn't try to leave our shovels in the tool shed, if you know what I mean. But that's what this whole Christianity thing is about, choosing to live for God and believe that He is good and that He loves me, instead of choosing to throw caution to the wind, to seek after things that last about as long as an impulse. It's trusting that His options are better than my options, that they promote a much more healthy outlook on life. That waking up and remembering that I have been blessed with so much is less depressing, and more productive than dwelling on how lonely I feel. That being sober is much healthier than being drunk. That waiting to have sex until I'm married will significantly decease the emotional turmoil and heartache in my life that would surely come, if I share such an intimate moment with other men. That spending time reading about Him is much more enriching for my soul than wasting the day away, intentionally avoiding it.
That life is meant to be lived intentionally seeking after and enjoying the presence of a good God, no matter our circumstance, and remembering His grace and forgiveness when we feel like our faith is small and our doubts are overpowering.
This morning was no different.
My alarm went of at 9:00 but I was well awake before then, thinking about my life and random aspects of it. And while I was laying there thinking, the idea of sin floated through my mind. What is sin? And what ignoring sin or pretending like something isn't a sin can do for a person's soul. I pictured a determined scruffy young man, digging a trench in the country side somewhere. I don't know why he's digging this trench, but he's determined to get to something or maybe to escape from some unwelcomed unhappiness that has recently entered into his life. Somehow, in his toil and sweat, he finds satisfaction in the digging and as he gets deeper into his trench, in his mind, he's productively escaping from whatever it is that he's running from. However, as he digs deeper, he realizes that he's dug himself a hole that he can't climb out of. And he tries for sometime. But the dirt walls of this trench crumble apart as he tries to find his footing. Eventually he gives up. He sits there, at the bottom of his trench, feeling more hopeless and forgotten than he ever has before. He begins to think that death would be better than sitting alone in the darkness.
I've come to realize that living according to God's standards extends beyond the Ten Commandments (thou shalt not lie, or covet your neighbor's plasma screen, or steal it, etc). I think God gave Moses the Ten Commandments as a prototype, or model, a bullet point summary, if you will, of what God really wants out of His people--which is absolute devotion to Him. I am 99% sure that God wants me to find my happiness and joy in Him. I know that God wants me to include Him in my daily life, to be at the center of every big life changing decision, to spend most of my time thinking about Him, and to love Him more than I love anything else in this world, including my family, my significant other (if I had one), my friends and most especially, myself. And I know that He also wants me to treat other people well because He made them and thus I should respect and give worth to what He's created.
So, then, in light of all this, what is sin? The best and most sincere definition I can come up with right now is that it is an action, that begins with a thought that seeks to serve myself and causes harm to myself, my relationship with God and/or with other people. Furthermore, I think the issue of sin goes deeper, goes beyond just the act. Like the trench digger, I believe that people find themselves "in sin" when life becomes less ideal, or find that waiting on God's timing, or believing that God is good, seems pointless at a particular juncture in time. Sin begins as an impulse, when shovel first meets dirt--whether it's in rebellion or impatience, or hopelessness that leads to self-destruction.
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago at an Irish pub in Santa Barbara when I visited a friend for her birthday. He bought me a snakebite (pear cider and beer) and we proceeded to engage in a light-hearted conversation that quickly became a more deep and meaningful one. He told me that he used to recruit strippers for a local strip club, which was an interesting conversation in and of itself, but he immediately followed that by telling me that he was perpetually drunk. He asked me why I thought he was always drunk. I looked at him for a few seconds and said, "is there something about your life that you don't want to think about?" He smiled and raised his fist in air and said, "I hate my fuckin' life! It's pretty shitty. And my mind never stops thinking so I just drink till I'm happy." I told him that that made sense. People around us, raised their glasses. Of course, those who laughed and agreed with him were having a horrible week, too. One guy in particular said that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him on Christmas day and also tried to run him over with her car. He bought shots for everyone before he stumbled out of the pub to the next.
Humans, no matter how christian we are, cannot help ourselves from falling into sin, or digging our trenches. Especially, when we engage this broken world and entangle ourselves with broken people. I am not much different from those two guys I met at the bar. I get it. I know that the only thing holding me back from getting drunk off my ass is something supernatural, which is an overactive conscience, i.e. the Holy Spirit. So, that's one trench that I have yet to start digging, not to say that I haven't started several. I am an impatient, impulsive and selfish person after all. I know that sin becomes such a tantalizing option when the waiting gets too long, or when life is too overwhelming to engage or participate in, or when people are hurtful.
Sin is sin and it is the very reason why God sent Jesus Christ to die on the Cross, to pay the death penalty that sinning against God requires. And because of this great act of mercy, there is always hope for sinners like me: God's grace is the ladder that comes down into my trenches and helps me climb out of it. And His love is what welcomes me back home with a hug and warm cup of chamomille tea. Mmm.
I know that I've lived the majority of my Christian life, trying not to sin. But I've recently thrown that template for life out of the proverbial window because a human being simply cannot just NOT sin. If we could just stop, then Jesus wouldn't have had to make the ultimate sacrifice. Contrary to popular belief, becoming a Christian does not make one less human, if anything it makes one more aware of their humanity. This is not to say that Christians shouldn't try to leave our shovels in the tool shed, if you know what I mean. But that's what this whole Christianity thing is about, choosing to live for God and believe that He is good and that He loves me, instead of choosing to throw caution to the wind, to seek after things that last about as long as an impulse. It's trusting that His options are better than my options, that they promote a much more healthy outlook on life. That waking up and remembering that I have been blessed with so much is less depressing, and more productive than dwelling on how lonely I feel. That being sober is much healthier than being drunk. That waiting to have sex until I'm married will significantly decease the emotional turmoil and heartache in my life that would surely come, if I share such an intimate moment with other men. That spending time reading about Him is much more enriching for my soul than wasting the day away, intentionally avoiding it.
That life is meant to be lived intentionally seeking after and enjoying the presence of a good God, no matter our circumstance, and remembering His grace and forgiveness when we feel like our faith is small and our doubts are overpowering.
9.1.11
Unravel
a soul can be a never-ending
line of knots and twisted things
formed into a noose,
to threaten the livelihood of one
man's being
a soul may never know
the wide open spaces
it was meant to roam,
falling into the depths
of fear,
before it can make its way home
a soul may never know
fully the vastness of its Creator,
as it fashions for itself
rules and regulations,
subjecting itself to
shallow externalizations
a soul is meant to seek its
Master, unhinged and unhindered
from the threats of the former
misgivings and
misconstructions,
lies and contradictions,
unexamined proclamations,
of truths without contemplation,
of the implication
of truth's real meaning.
a soul is meant to be meaningful,
and full of life,
a reflection of the One,
who breathes life
into being.
line of knots and twisted things
formed into a noose,
to threaten the livelihood of one
man's being
a soul may never know
the wide open spaces
it was meant to roam,
falling into the depths
of fear,
before it can make its way home
a soul may never know
fully the vastness of its Creator,
as it fashions for itself
rules and regulations,
subjecting itself to
shallow externalizations
a soul is meant to seek its
Master, unhinged and unhindered
from the threats of the former
misgivings and
misconstructions,
lies and contradictions,
unexamined proclamations,
of truths without contemplation,
of the implication
of truth's real meaning.
a soul is meant to be meaningful,
and full of life,
a reflection of the One,
who breathes life
into being.
8.1.11
The One Where Kendra locks herself outside.
There are some days that are just more eventful/funny than others:
My roommate and good friend, Kendra feel that our lives, separately and together would make for good tv sitcom material. Our tv sitcom would be called: Our Neighbor, Luigi-- In honor of our eccentric and endearing neighbor, who is 45 years old, lives with an asian man (no relations) and his mother, who frequently leaves the house to walk her poodle (dyed pink, of course), with her hair in rollers, and a cigarette hanging loosely on the corner of her mouth.
Anyway, this morning, Kendra had a friend come over for breakfast. And being a nice friend that she is, she decided to walk her friend out to her car, unbeknownst to her at the time that she, out of force of habit, had locked the door as she closed it. Kendra realized her dilemma when she attempted to let herself in. She wasn't too worried, though, because she knew that her trusty roommate, Linell, would hear the doorbell/ knocking and let her back in shortly.
And in true sitcom fashion, where timing is everything, this is about the time that I decide to take a shower. While I was in the bathroom, I heard the distant clinging of bells, but since I didn't realize that we had a doorbell--how I missed this, I am not sure--I thought that I was just hearing things. I had been taking a lot of aspirin lately for pain, so I thought I developed a case of tinnitus and made a mental note to quit my pill-poppin.'
So, while I was showering, Kendra decided to walk around our apartment to my bedroom window and started knocking on it, thinking that I was still on my bed sleeping. Of course, I was in the bathroom, so I didn't hear anything. Kendra wondered to herself how deep a sleeper I was and also asked the age old question: "Why, God, Why?" With nothing else to do, but to wait and hope that I would answer the door at some point, Kendra decided to pull some weeds in our backyard. She also watered the plants on the front porch and emptied water that had pooled in one of the trashcans that we keep outside.
Still unaware of what was happening outside, I was taking my sweet time in the shower room. When I finished, I sat in the middle of my room and pondered about what to do with my day and why I was hearing bells. I must admit that I was mildly concerned. At this point, my good friend Julianne called me. We were on the phone for some time, when I heard loud knocking at my window. I froze for a moment, until I heard a familiar voice say, "Linell? Linell? Can you...let me in?" Then all of a sudden, it was like a lightbulb turned on in my head: "OH. I wasn't hearing bells...there was someone ringing our doorbell. And it was Kendra. Wait, we have a doorbell?"
So, Kendra was finally let in and she filled me in on her eventful and productive morning. We laughed about the incident for sometime. Kendra saying that her life is like a sitcom and I agreed that funny things do happen to her. The best part is how she can turn a frustrating situation into something hilarious.
Then we decided to get make the most of the day by getting coffee and beignets at the Jazz Kitchen in Downtown Disney. It was also in honor of Team Gordo, a term originating from the fact that Kendra and her cousins love to eat junk food and lots of it when they get together. I've recently become an honorary member when I joined the family for Thanksgiving dinner this past November.
After we got back, we watched a few episodes of TLC's "Say Yes To the Dress." Kendra watched, while I mostly judged. I think the woman who needed three wedding dresses was kinda ridiculous.
Haha, what a day. And it's not over yet. Two new friends from Newport, Josh and Dave, have decided to pick me up and take me to Newport to hang out. Haven't done anything quite so spontaneous in quite some time. But it definitely makes life more interesting.
Toodles.
My roommate and good friend, Kendra feel that our lives, separately and together would make for good tv sitcom material. Our tv sitcom would be called: Our Neighbor, Luigi-- In honor of our eccentric and endearing neighbor, who is 45 years old, lives with an asian man (no relations) and his mother, who frequently leaves the house to walk her poodle (dyed pink, of course), with her hair in rollers, and a cigarette hanging loosely on the corner of her mouth.
Anyway, this morning, Kendra had a friend come over for breakfast. And being a nice friend that she is, she decided to walk her friend out to her car, unbeknownst to her at the time that she, out of force of habit, had locked the door as she closed it. Kendra realized her dilemma when she attempted to let herself in. She wasn't too worried, though, because she knew that her trusty roommate, Linell, would hear the doorbell/ knocking and let her back in shortly.
And in true sitcom fashion, where timing is everything, this is about the time that I decide to take a shower. While I was in the bathroom, I heard the distant clinging of bells, but since I didn't realize that we had a doorbell--how I missed this, I am not sure--I thought that I was just hearing things. I had been taking a lot of aspirin lately for pain, so I thought I developed a case of tinnitus and made a mental note to quit my pill-poppin.'
So, while I was showering, Kendra decided to walk around our apartment to my bedroom window and started knocking on it, thinking that I was still on my bed sleeping. Of course, I was in the bathroom, so I didn't hear anything. Kendra wondered to herself how deep a sleeper I was and also asked the age old question: "Why, God, Why?" With nothing else to do, but to wait and hope that I would answer the door at some point, Kendra decided to pull some weeds in our backyard. She also watered the plants on the front porch and emptied water that had pooled in one of the trashcans that we keep outside.
Still unaware of what was happening outside, I was taking my sweet time in the shower room. When I finished, I sat in the middle of my room and pondered about what to do with my day and why I was hearing bells. I must admit that I was mildly concerned. At this point, my good friend Julianne called me. We were on the phone for some time, when I heard loud knocking at my window. I froze for a moment, until I heard a familiar voice say, "Linell? Linell? Can you...let me in?" Then all of a sudden, it was like a lightbulb turned on in my head: "OH. I wasn't hearing bells...there was someone ringing our doorbell. And it was Kendra. Wait, we have a doorbell?"
So, Kendra was finally let in and she filled me in on her eventful and productive morning. We laughed about the incident for sometime. Kendra saying that her life is like a sitcom and I agreed that funny things do happen to her. The best part is how she can turn a frustrating situation into something hilarious.
Then we decided to get make the most of the day by getting coffee and beignets at the Jazz Kitchen in Downtown Disney. It was also in honor of Team Gordo, a term originating from the fact that Kendra and her cousins love to eat junk food and lots of it when they get together. I've recently become an honorary member when I joined the family for Thanksgiving dinner this past November.
After we got back, we watched a few episodes of TLC's "Say Yes To the Dress." Kendra watched, while I mostly judged. I think the woman who needed three wedding dresses was kinda ridiculous.
Haha, what a day. And it's not over yet. Two new friends from Newport, Josh and Dave, have decided to pick me up and take me to Newport to hang out. Haven't done anything quite so spontaneous in quite some time. But it definitely makes life more interesting.
Toodles.
5.1.11
The Civil Wars: Poison & Wine
I get to see these guys play Monday night @ Bardot in Hollywood. I am really excited. This is currently my favorite song of theirs. It's just a very heartfelt song. I think we can all relate to some aspect of it--if we've ever felt the push and pull of finding ourselves in love with the wrong person...
You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I still choose you
Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will...
4.1.11
A belated Happy New Year's to you.
 |
| Proud to be, a minority: me, the token asian :) |
This picture is really funny to me, not only because Sam and I are the only people actually looking at the camera (the other three were looking at Jimmy, who was drunk, who decided he wanted to take a picture, too), but because it was probably the most normal moment we had on New Year's eve. It wasn't a bad night, per say. But it was definitely weird. In New Year's eve pasts, I've kept things pretty low key, but I decided to join my friends in Newport this year, because I wanted to do something different. And to be completely honest, I had no idea what to expect.
I guess the weirdest thing that happened to me was that I got kissed by a woman that I didn't know. Yup. After going to a couple house parties, my friends wanted me to experience this really shady bar called Pierce Street in Costa Mesa. There was also promise of dancing and people watching, two things that enhance my life considerably. When we got there, and after narrowly escaping a fight that broke out in the woman's bathroom (that smelled more like weed than anything else), my friends and I headed out to the dance floor. Drunken people were abound, people of all shapes and sizes: cougars and dirty old men, women who wore too much clothing and women who wore too little, college freshmen, gangsta wanna be white men, OC housewives, guys who looked like they were Italian mobsters, standing along the sidelines, eyeing the dance floor greedily for their next prey... and the list goes on.
The DJ was playing some pretty fun music and amidst me doing the robot and other fancy moves, I noticed a woman, probably in her late 30's walking over to me. I am not really sure why I just stood there. I probably should've run away. But it all happened so quickly. She flung her arms around me and said, "I don't know you, but I loooooooooove you!" and kissed me briefly...on the lips. I basically ran away from her, ran from the dance floor and found Sam who was sitting by the bar. I told him what happened and how mortified I felt. He looked at me and said, "well, at least, somebody got kissed by a woman on New Year's." I replied by punching him in the arm.
It's funny now, but still gross. Haha, I got kissed by a girl. And I didn't like it.
Toodles.
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