Ship me out tomorrow.

My head is swimming. My heart is pounding with excitement that I cannot fully express into words.  I sat down at Border's today, with Color magazine in hand--"the magazine for the rest of the world," the tagline says-- and was reminded of the vastness and the diversity and the numerous possibilities that life offers. The world is bigger than I thought it would be and I am eager to explore it, to meet and build meaningful relationships with other character's in God's story, to visit the many places He's built and created, to experience life as fully as I can...to maybe, hopefully, join forces with a male counterpart...somewhere down the line...

I want to leave the harbor--for a ship is built to explore the ocean, to carry cargo to various far off places, not to sit and rust in the "safety" of the harbor.

I'm ready.

My sentiments, exactly.

 I think I purposely didn't blog about Christmas yesterday just to fight my tendency to follow the social Christian norms, which involves writing all these spiritual things on and about December 25th.  Plus,  I wanted to go deeper about the meaning of Christmas, not just say what I would normally say...just to say it.  So I really, really thought about it--gave myself a time out, in the privacy of my own room.  As I really tried to think about the realities of what happened the night that Jesus was born, I found myself deeply moved by the fact that Jesus, the Word of God, the Person through whom all things were made and formed, came to earth as baby.  Being a nurse, I know exactly what that entails.  The birthing process is not all that magical.  It's gross. Not to mention, the fact that Mary gave birth in a stable of all places.  Talk about unsanitary.

I ask the question: why would God choose to do this?  Christ, the Savior of mankind, came to earth in such a humble way, when we all know that He is above this. Most of us came into the world in better conditions than Jesus did.  And most of our parents weren't involved in a situation that was nothing short of a scandal (unwed, betrothed, virgin girl pregnant by the...holy spirit??? what the what?!).

Jesus came into this broken world, through a less than ideal situation.  The King of Kings and LORD of Lords, was a carpenter's son, impoverished and on the bottom of the social totem pole. 

So, what?

I think I spent the last ten years of my life just focusing on my moral bankruptcies as a sinner during Christmas and my depravity which "caused" Jesus to come in this way. This did nothing for me in terms of really appreciating the significance of the occasion. I've come to realize that thinking in this way leads Christians to view God as someone who "had no other choice." That doesn't sound like a very loving God, or a God who actually cares about His creation.  I think God actually wanted to give humanity a fighting chance.

I think God wants Christians to view Christ's birth in heartfelt awe and admiration, which is hard to do when we're trying to so hard to wrestle up some sort of emotion about Christmas, but all we seem to come up with is (a) nothing significant or (b) residual guilt from focusing too much on how sinful we are & yadda yadda.

Of course, recognizing our sin and the fact that we are broken, sinful people is important.  True repentance is not possible without admitting to God, and also importantly, to ourselves, our own brokenness, shortcomings and failures.  How can we truly be moved to follow Jesus, if we don't have a truly moving reason to do so?

But to focus also on God's plan to bring Jesus into the world as He did, not just our sinfulness, is deeply moving because it demonstrates God's love and His tenderness towards us and our human condition.

It's so subtle, yet so grand. The birth of Jesus, His humble beginnings and His compassion towards the broken, the poor in spirit, the marginalized and the hurting was all part of God's plan to save us.  Not only from Hell, but from the "hell" that we experience here on Earth.  Jesus came the way that He did so that He can connect to us in our brokenness and we can find hope in Him when life, or our shit, threatens to overpower us.  What makes this so significant is that Jesus has been there.  He himself knows brokenness. He is also called the "man of many sorrows." I think this is why He connected with those who were hurting, not just physically, but socially and emotionally.

Christ's birth and His life & ministry is also particularly significant when one reflects on all the rules and particularities of being holy and following the laws in the Old Testament.  Praise God that we don't have to focus on rituals! It is this freedom in Christ that should bring us to worship Him and to live our lives for Him.  In this way, we are inherently motivated by love and awe, instead of just fear.

There is true and real comfort in thinking about the realities of how Jesus came to earth and how He lived His life.  If anything, it should be what truly motivate us to worship and adore Him.

I'm funny. "It's a strength."

Since my blog is usually a place where I dump, or unload--if you will--my deep thoughts and profound reflections, I don't think that it necessarily showcases the fact that I'm a really funny person. And you, apparently, need to know this. I don't know why I feel like I need to talk about this, but we'll just go with it...

It's been a running joke between me and my good friend, Kendra. We both like to affirm ourselves (and each other) in how funny we both are--which I think is funny, in and of itself. It may be subjectively funny... though I'd like to think that it is also objectively funny.

I'm feeling particularly funny right now. Though, the only outlet I have is facebook (and now blogger). Wow, that is sad. And I'm in Fresno (or Fres-negatory) for the holidays, which I feel, is a really boring place to live compared to living in Southern California. Yeah, that's right. La Habra is the shit. Well, comparatively. It's not La Habra, per say, that is the shit, but it's proximity to everything else...that is the shit. Disneyland from La Habra: 15 minutes. Disneyland from Fresno: 4 and a half hours. See?

I think being funny is not only a strength and a social catalyst...I think it's also a great defense mechanism. I think I become extra silly when certain life situations threaten to undermine my already loosening grip on the brighter side of life. The stress of nursing school will do this. I recall having a worm-off with a friend of mine right before taking a midterm. Yup. In the classroom. This only came up because I was intent on learning how to do the worm the night before, when I had a midterm to study for, a research paper to write and clinical hours to complete that week.

A few nights ago, when I was out with some friends from out of town, I ordered a sex on the beach, which apparently was 3 parts vodka and 2 parts juice. You know, I try...but I don't hold my liquor too well. Especially when I was halfway into the drink just a few minutes after it was set down before me (I think I was feeling particularly angsty that night). This guy named Gregg joined us and it was interesting to meet someone new under these.... terms. I was kind of buzzin, or "thoroughly relaxed." And me being "relaxed" equals me having no filter whatsoever. Not that I have much of a filter anyway, but I was saying things to him that I normally wouldn't have said to an attractive guy that I just barely met. Plus, he was there to catch up with my friend Elise. Part of me feels kind of bad for sort of just...taking over the conversation. By the end of the night, he was mostly talking to me, though I think he was mostly making fun of me. In hindsight, everybody else at the table seemed to be laughing at me, too. My friend Tim had posted some things that I said on facebook. You know it's a good night when most of what you say is deemed quote worthy by a software engineer, who usually only appreciates dry humor. Anyway, my sassy/feistyness earned me a side hug from Gregg at the end of night (score!), which was nice. Hah. It was nice to know that he thought I was funny. Or maybe he thought I was a freakin' weirdo. Doesn't matter, cause it's unlikely that I'll see him again.

So being funny. A strength. Haha, not sure where I'm going with this anymore. I just want to let you know, people who read my blog, whoever you may be, that I am a funny person.

Perfect Timing.

My roommate and I were discussing God's perfect timing yesterday. We both believed and consented to the fact that whatever happens to us, whatever circumstance we find ourselves in--whether good or bad--is all part of God's sovereignty over all things and His amazing ability to orchestrate everything for the purposes of His glory, our sanctification and the deepening of our relationship with Him.

However, I think I only say that God's timing is perfect when something good, or more specifically-- when something that makes me feel good, happens. In that context, I have no problem saying that God's timing is perfect. After all, the word "perfect" is associated with bright and shiny things. Things like getting engaged, getting married, getting a job that you've always wanted, getting money, a new relationship, having a baby, graduation...and the list goes on.

But what about everything else? Like losing a job? Break-ups? Divorce? Raw revelations of trauma and past hurts? Death? A car accident? Sickness?

Or...what about... getting pregnant at 14, out of wedlock, and the father is not the man you are betrothed to? How much more convenient it would've been for Mary to be pregnant when she was already married to Joseph. How much more "perfect" the timing would've been if that were the case.

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

I can imagine Mary wondering this as she and Joseph journeyed to Bethlehem while she was 9 months pregnant, to give birth to Jesus in a manger, a stable filled with smelly animals and hay instead of the comforts of her own home.

Perfect doesn't mean it has to feel good, but it does mean that God is accomplishing something in our lives, at this very perfect moment. Whatever comes up or feels weird this Christmas season, I hope that you go deep with God in those things in order for Him to work those things out for your good. We're meant to converse with God about our pain and our trials. It is unproductive to just blame our sin, or ourselves, or other people. No, that's too easy. I believe this is a very practical application of Romans 8:28 and also Philippians 2:12b-13: "...work out your salvation WITH fear AND trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

We gon' be ok.

you an' me
we gon be ok
no matter
what life
throws our way

whether it be
lemons,
or curve balls
or
unexpected snow falls

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through lightning
storms,
complacent norms
filing out IRS tax forms

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through weekdays,
or holidays,
or friends
that may drift
away

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through birth pains,
or side laughter pains,
social awkwardness,
or social network gains

you an' me
we gon' be ok

tension

changing perspectives, ever revolving, like shiny, glass doors in front of a department store, glimmering with promises of something new. stretched beyond the boundaries of former thought, the strain of tension hold taught to it's breaking point. eyes closed, breath held in, waiting for the sudden break in silence.

Nothing sweeter.

I woke up this morning feeling very loved. I was greeted with calm and peace. And I'm going to sit in that and cherish it.

Thanks Jesus.

Loneliness

A friend told me about a woman, in her late 30's, who's never been married and travels the world as part of her photography ministry. This woman talked about dealing with loneliness as a single woman and the realities of the struggles that she faces. She made an astute observation and realized that the overwhelming power that loneliness can often have on an individual is directly related to, if not, a cause of, fear. Fear that is rooted in insecurities-- she is not loveable, not wanted, that she isn't special enough, that the negative things she perceives about herself are actually true causing her to be undesirable. There is fear in the unknown, of what the future will--or will not--bring. And there is fear that the feelings of loneliness will never go away, that she is to succumb to its grip every time it comes knocking on the door of her consciousness. But then she says that at this point, she writes the word "loneliness" on a piece of paper, straps it into the front seat of her Prius and takes it for a drive down the streets of Newport. Loneliness then looses it's firm grip. And she overcomes.

I just want to meet this woman, give her a high five and say "You go, girl!"

I found this story to be, pardon my early 90's lingo, "too legit." She is a woman who is no stranger to loneliness and she doesn't quit living her life! And I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in her late 30's, living in a context, where the ideal format for living a "good" life is being married and having 2.5 kids...

She says that she has learned to sit in loneliness, allowing herself to face the lies and insecurities that threaten to rob her of her love for life and her inner joy and peace. I admire her for this. She works things out, talks to Jesus about it, fights to see what is true about herself and what is not. Most people, including myself, cannot sit in this seemingly dark and unhappy place. We do whatever it takes to avoid it. Some people make themselves busy enough, or never allow themselves to be alone. Some people jump from relationship to relationship, never dealing with their fears and the pain and the angst that is going on inside.

I am inspired by this woman. She reminds me that the feelings of loneliness are not things to succumb to, but should be faced with courage and resolve.

Crack(ed) head

The mind is such an interesting, overlooked thing, in terms of how most people don't realize, how the way we think can really affect how we live our lives. Well, I guess it's only overlooked and ignored in some, if not most, conservative Christian circles. Or conservatives in general, like the baby boomer generation. What is their deal, anyway?

Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.

This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.

I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.

Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.

haha psychoanalyze that.

An Ode to Clive Staples Lewis

A man who had abandoned his childhood christian faith when he was 13, only to find it again 20 years later. He is a beloved author and respected intellectual. I truly appreciate what he has contributed to literature, as a whole, and more importantly his profundity, in dissecting and operationalizing the ins and outs of what it means for him to be a follower of Jesus. He didn't grow up following traditions or set standards. He wrestled and thought through about what it means to be a Christian for the sake of following Jesus. The following is a collection of quotes that I feel reflect that:

"The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us."
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"I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity."
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"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."
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"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me."
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"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
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"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
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"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
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"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
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"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened. "
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"It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence."

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"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"

Better?

"When I have really transacted business with God on the basis of His covenant, letting everything else go, there is no sense of personal achievement— no human ingredient in it at all. Instead, there is a complete overwhelming sense of being brought into union with God, and my life is transformed and radiates peace and joy." [Oswald Chambers]


Reflecting on my life feels so much more productive than studying the ins and outs of Quality Care Management in the nursing profession. Don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is important. I just feel overwhelmed with everything else that's going on in my mind. I need to vent.

The theme of my life as of late has involved trying to re-wire my mind about what it REALLY means to follow Jesus and love God. Not that I have everything figured out. Not that my ultimate goal is to "figure things out"--Hah, maybe if I tell myself this enough times, I'll actually believe it. I've left the safety that I used to find in the black and white, or the conservative Christian traditions that I spent most of my life in. The problem that I've been seeing in my own heart is how my actions--my church going and my bible reading and my christian speaking--were not rooted in a love for Christ, or God, but a love for self. Yeah, not good.

It's kind of a rude awakening. I'm still reeling from it. Still trying to find my bearings. If I could diagnose my mental state right now, I would say that I have mental vertigo because I'm not entirely sure what's up, down, right, wrong, better, worse. And yes, sometimes I feel nauseous about it all. If only I had the special ability to encapsulate these thoughts and lay them aside while I deal with nursing school, instead of everything sort of blending together and overwhelming the hell out of me.

I think to help cope, I've tried to generalize my inner angst and externalized it by blaming "the church." I honestly picture a big white building with a tall steeple and a cross on top. I've somehow villainized the church because it's been hard to admit my own shortcomings. It's easier to blame other people for your issues.

The church is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I, too, often try to convince others that my convictions are right and better, instead of letting their own thought processes and the holy spirit guide them through life. While it is true that I have felt rejection from people in the church that I had trusted so much, I have to remind myself that I have rejected many individuals as well in my own self-righteousness. I will plead ignorance, however. Ignorance of my own sinfulness rooted in my desire to want to be better than other people.

Ok, where am I going with this? Oh, right. Well, back to the title of this post. "Better." The conflict that I find in myself, because I am a complex human being, is how I categorize all of what I'm experiencing--the past and the present. There are days when I think that living in the security of the "bright and shiny," the Glory-be-to-God-if-we're-martyrs-for-His-Kingdom framework would be better than this ever growing awareness of my own spiritual bankruptcy. It's a phenomenon that I've affectionately named "Sitting In My Shit." Prior to wading in my own crap, life was happy. Well, it was happier because I was doing all the right things and was recognized for it. I felt good about myself and my holiness. I was in leadership, involved in ministry, sat on a pedestal for all to see. But that "good" feeling was fleeting. In hindsight, I felt empty. But I guess, it was better in a sense that it was relatively easier. Life's less hard when you think you're effing great.

But is sitting in my shit better? 75% of me says "YES!" This is keeping things real. Keeping things in the right perspective. Where in the bible does it say that I have to be bright and shiny? Am I supposed to rejoice in the LORD because of the circumstances of my life and my self-esteem, or am I supposed to rejoice in HIM because of who He is--regardless of my circumstances? I am a flawed human being. Lots and lots of flaws. I am getting in touch with a lot of these flaws. I can name most of them. I have specifics. It's no longer a generalized "I am broken and a sinner" schpiel. It's no longer false humility. I KNOW I am messed up. And I could potentially tell you exactly in which ways I am broken and what specific sins I struggle to overcome. A lot of things have been opened up in my life and there's no going back. It would be foolish to put bandaids on huge open sores or to ignore these wounds because infection and gangrene is a real problem, says the aspiring nurse.

Is this better? It's not the kind of better that you would put in a bottle and reproduce in massive amounts to sell to all your friends. It's not the kind of better that Joel Olsteen tries to sell in his books, that tries to "help" people be a "better" them.

With all that to say, I can't ignore that fact that I feel less empty than I used to, when I was doing all the "right" things. I feel more alive now than I ever have--angsty, maybe angry, a tad bit resentful, confused, but alive. But I don't like feeling confused. I like having all my ducks in a row!

I don't know how to end this. I don't want to just say something that I'm supposed to say or come full circle just cause that's what good writers do. While the venting did help, I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't come full circle about my life in the last 20-30 minutes that I've spent writing all of this down. I do see the good in all my wrestling, but there's still a part of me that's on the fence about it all.

What I can say, with all confidence is this: Jesus loves me. He's here with me, ever present with me on this journey. He is not condemning me or judging me. His Spirit is with me, guiding me and encouraging me, giving me peace amidst the confusion.