Heart to head (and vice-versa).

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." [James 1: 2-4]

I remember mulling over this verse and giving this verse to others with the intention to encourage them without really understanding for myself what it means. In fact, I know I've said things like "joy will come from trials," or maybe telling others that trials are a "good thing" without believing it at all. But now, the older and more mature version of myself says: what human being is truly, instinctively, thankful when life decides to give out under them and they fall flat on their face?

God only knows.

And by the way, I don't think God is surprised when our hearts, or what we truly believe is disconnected to what we say or do (though we may very well surprise ourselves). In Hosea 6, God rebukes Israel and Judah, "What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? Your love is like a morning cloud, like the dew that goes early away." God could see deep into their hearts, and He knew that their love was fleeting, it was not that they were unfaithful to Him, but they had forsaken the knowledge of God and truth. And God tells him what He wants from them in verse 6, "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings." God wants his people to have the right hearts, ones that hold an affectionate knowledge of God, which fills the mind with reverence of his majesty, fear of his goodness, love of his holiness, trust in his promise, and submission to his will.

The amazing thing is that God's grace is unimaginably abundant and endless. In His mercy, He doesn't allow those who He loves to remain in a perpetual disconnect. And God does use trials, because trials provide a perfect medium for growth and has a way of nurturing the seeds of spiritual knowledge that have been sown by time spent reading scripture, or sitting under sound teaching. I imagine a "Jack and the Magic bean stalk" scenario: the magic beans of Christian faith and understanding, that have been planted in our hearts, grows and grows and grows amidst the strife and chaos of life until it reaches it's ultimate destination: our head. Not sure how the giant and the golden goose fits in to my analogy, so we're going to pretend like they're not part of the story...

Some personal application (and please know that I say the following things with tentative eagerness): This morning I realized that James 1:2-4 is no longer a strange and unwelcome enigma in my psyche. I no longer fear trials (or resent them) but welcome them as a necessary medium for my personal growth. I believe that I have entered into a season of deep, deep joy and satisfaction in who God is (I think I journal-ed about how I've come to this place a few weeks ago.) I am grateful to report that I am still inexplicably and deeply, happy. I do feel complete and lacking in nothing, amidst discomfort, stress and not-so ideal situations. More importantly, I would like to say this: I used to think, that in able to feel complete and be lacking in nothing, that I needed to be in a relationship or be married and/or that I need to be finished with school and have a steady income. It's amazing to me how I could say that I didn't need those things, even though my heart begged to differ.

The LORD has done amazing things in my life. I hope that this encourages you, dear reader. And I hope and pray that God continues to lead you into a deeper, fuller and less confusing knowledge of Him and His love for you.

I have a dream...

I sit here, buried under a mountain of projects, presentations (one 2o minute one on Wednesday and a 2 hour one on Tuesday morning), a test in OB/GYN and a court date (long story short: didn't [know that i was supposed to] appear for my court hearing for the ticket i got in december--for talking on my cellphone while driving--and now i have to go to court on wednesday to talk to traffic judge and tell him/her that i shouldn't have to pay $800 for ditching court, since i had no idea).

anyway.

Needless to say, I'm a wee bit stressed out. But, the more pressure I feel, the more likely I am to daydream of summer and it's semi-endless possibilities.

Things I'm thinking/daydreaming about:
- my church (www.folcov.org) has an inner city outreach that involves tutoring children from k-12. they announced it at church this morning and my heart skipped a beat...with excitement! i love the inner city and would love to serve those kids within the context of the church.
- being more involved with church stuff, in general. i have warm and fuzzies about that place.
- making more cards for my etsy store. still trying to come up with a name for my store, if you have any ideas...make sure to throw them out there.
- being a bridesmaid for Emily Deaver's wedding. so excited!
- a certain photography project that is in the works...
- Corona Del Mar & early mornings at Inspiration Point
- getting my nose pierced (again)
- saving up for a Disneyland pass so I can have one for my (potentially) last year in SoCal.
- camping and hiking
- visiting friends in various places
- concerts & shows at Hotel Cafe in Hollywood
- Roscoe's chicken and waffles (late night hang-out diner complete with SOULfood)

mmmm. summer. so close.

Phoenix.

I forgive you.
The words escape her mouth, like wisps of smoke set free from the burning embers of a cigarette.

She suddenly panics at the impending sense of loneliness. Those words had become her constant companion. She frantically runs after the wayward words in a futile attempt to recapture them and hold them neatly inside her.

No, they're too far from my reach.
She slumps down on the cold linoleum floor. She had held on to the thought for a long time, the thought of forgiveness, the ideals of reconciliation. She had nourished them insider her, as a mother nourishes a growing fetus. Now, she had let them go. Doubt lays hold of her, in her exhausted state.

She wonders if she's ready. She wonders if they're ready.

The growing realization of the journey ahead looms ominously above her and surrounds her, like flies drawn to ripening fruit. She tries to swat them away. I can't. I can't do it. What if I die?

But the conflict of desire and comfort and self-denial for the purpose of love and obedience is an ever-persevering Mentor. She knows, as history has foretold and from the stories of old, that in the asphyxiation of her own pride, a new self emerges. One stronger than the last. One who knows love. One who knows forgiveness.

shoulder bouncing...

you'll know what I mean:

Can't think of a title. pfft.

Recently, my nightly showers have become the wellspring of profound reflection. It seems that the enclosed space of plastic, glass and linoleum is not just for singing ADELE songs about pavements and what it means to chase them.

I was thinking about all the homework I had to do this weekend and noticed that the needle on my internal panic meter was rising steadily. It's not the workload that I'm concerned about--it's the actual product and the grade that I will be getting after I turn it in. And more importantly, how those grades--after careful, yet unnecessary comparison with fellow classmates--can often make me feel like crap. B's are not something I feel particularly great about, but I seem to get them a lot in nursing school. While most people felt happy and accomplished with a B average, from elementary to high school I was trained to see them as nothing short of failure. And somewhere, deep inside me, is the drive to be that amazing A student, but fear of misplaced and misguided pride kills whatever sort of effort I want to make in "doing my best." However, I'm not exactly excited about "settling." But then maybe, I'm not "settling," and maybe I'm not that A student that me, or my parents, once thought I was. After all, I was that student mostly in elementary school, but it was because my parents really wanted me to be that way. They wanted me to be successful and I wanted to please my parents (and be better than people.)

I'm realizing more and more that success is not or should not be what defines my worth, nor should it become a platform that I use to elevate my self and my merits. And I'm also realizing that I'm not "that" student, because I'm not so meticulous about school-type things. I mean without the constant nagging or the impending doom I felt as a younger child if I did not perform as expected, there is not much motivating me today-- except for my own whim (Hah, imagine that). I see that I am driven to be at my best in other, "not-school," related things. Things like cooking, playing guitar, making cards, sewing, baby sitting/relating with children, singing, writing songs, poetry, various art projects, having good bedside manner, loving people, creating outfits, growing emotionally and spiritually, striving for peace in relationships, learning how to be a good parent (someday) and making my bed.

I guess the conclusion that I've come up with--for now, at least-- is that I should try my best in anything that I do and put in the effort (ugggghhhh), but I can't be good at everything! And while success can be defined by grades, or how well I dress or sing, it definitely should not affect my inherent value and worth.

In any case, at least I can always count on my blood type being A+.

Free (sigh) at last.

Between bites of milk chocolate raisins, I reflect on the beauty of the day. In a literal sense, the day is profoundly breath-taking: the cool breeze, the gentle beaming of the sun & the clarity of the blues and neat demarcation of cumulus nimbuses (nimbi?) in the Southern California sky is a rare, yet exalted event. I mean, I guess there are plenty of sunny days here, but how often are those sunny days apart from the oppressive southern California smog? I feel that the world around me is singing hallelujah, we're free at last. Or at least, free for the moment.

Today is also beautiful because I am celebrating a newly discovered sincerity regarding the beauty of God's love and acceptance of me. Well, I've been "celebrating" since Easter, but it was more like a "trial celebration." I think I was making sure that all the joy and freedom that I've been feeling wasn't some fluke. Thankfully, it's not and it is one of those defining moments that will/have change(d) me significantly. God didn't wave a magic wand to fix my life. In fact, nothing has changed much about my situation, except for the fact that I actually trust Him. It sounds so simple, but I went through Hell to figure that out. And I am so thankful that God wanted me to get it. I feel like I just woke up from a zombie-like indifference to the fact that I was allowing bitterness and anger to [continually] poke and prod me towards the precipice of self-pity and depression.

If you were to ask me to describe how I'm feeling, as stupid and lame as this may sound (and for the sake of avoiding Christianese) I feel like I have rainbows and shooting stars coming out of my chest. I am just so...happy. Like, Rainbow Brite happy. This baffles me, mostly because I know that the next couple of weeks are going to be really stressful, in terms of how much work I have to do for school. And I am facing huge financial difficulties, not just for me, but for my family. And to top it all off, I have to deal with a very real, and profoundly annoying, desire for marriage that has yet to be met.

I think I truly see, with the eyes of my heart, what the good news of the Gospel is (remind me later when I forget and hopefully I won't). Jesus died to set me free, not just from the wrath of God and the punishment of my sins, but from losing myself in despair. Jesus has given me a reason to fully trust God and to know I can have hope. Life is unambiguously hard, and even worse when I don't trust that God actually does care about me and my desires, or about how I feel about life. It's unbearable when I cannot accept His unconditional love. It's impossible when I cannot allow myself to rest in His grace. In short: God does care. His love for me is explicitly demonstrated through Christ's sacrifice. And the best part is that He will change me for the better, as I learn to trust Him.

To think, I was fighting to be happy on my own terms, when all I had to do was let go. This further solidifies my theory that God is indefinitely "backwards."

joy.

buried deeply
within the strongholds of His delight,
an ever present fixture,
my soul's stalagmite.
despair's trumpets call to woo the light,
inflaming faith's beacon,
even in the darkest of night.

a sigh of relief,
breathes life to cold bones,
filling their lungs to silence
their dark and dreary groans.
a prodigal stranger misplaced from his home,
once lost and misguided,
is no longer alone.

Overfloweth.

I just spent the last couple of hours at the new Micu homestead--the Micu's, a family of 9, with baby number 8 on the way, had just recently found a place out in the country. I went over to check out their abode. It is every adventurous child's dream: barn (complete with clubhouse), pool, a garden, tire swing and big tree, geese, lake, paddleboat and an island. I was beside myself. It was so excitingly beautiful that when I saw Paul and Amy, I excitedly exclaimed to them, "I could get married here!"

It was the first thought in my mind and I didn't even get a chance to reason with myself as to why I shouldn't say that outloud. There were also other young men present and they looked at me and laughed. Paul laughed, too.

I mean, I meant what I said, but I felt strangely awkward because (a) I'm jumping the gun--the possibility of me even dating someone anytime soon seems to be lightyears away and (b) who says that? Other people probably would say, "Oh, what a beautiful home you have."

My voice inflection suggested that I was speaking like I was constipated or something. It was like, I wanted to say it, but my body and my heart, so often not in sync, had some weird chemical reaction that tried to create a filter to hold me back from saying what I said. But, didn't really work. Then I felt like a popped balloon. Or better yet, maybe a deflated lifeboat and much like the Titanic, I was sinking fast into the awkward abyss, so I grabbed the closest thing in front of me to try to keep myself afloat: Sarah Micu. I just...grabbed her, bear hugged her skinny little frame. And the poor girl, startled, started screaming "GET OFF ME!" I tried to save face by saying that I just wanted to hug her, to which she replied, in the way only 12 year olds can say it, "You're so weird."

I know, Sarah, I know.

An excerpt from The Great Divorce

I'm currently reading C.S Lewis' The Great Divorce, which is an allegorical novel about one man's experience of Heaven and Hell. The main character, who has not yet been named (I'm only about halfway), boards a bus and meets a plethora of supernatural beings and finds himself in a beautiful forest (a place like Narnia perhaps--minus the talking wildlife). Here he learns that there are significant consequences for living life apart from knowing Christ. He realizes this through encounters with other spiritual beings, who seem to be abounding in peace and joy, whilst he and his other bus-mates, find themselves struggling to enjoy the scenery due to the local plant life wreaking havoc on their ghost-like bodies. The following excerpt I found particularly profound. The main character is eavesdropping on a White Spirit trying to tell another ghost, one who calls himself a skeptic of the resurrection of Christ, that it has come to a point for the skeptic to either give up his endless search for truth (for he confidently suggests that there is no end to his thirst for knowledge), or choose to live the futility of his quest in Hell:

"Listen!" said the White Spirit. "Once you were a child. Once you knew what inquiry was for. There was a time when you asked questions because you wanted answers, and were glad when you had found them. Become that child again: even now."

"Ah, but when I became a man I put away childish things."

"You have gone far wrong. Thirst was made for water; inquiry for truth. What you now call the free play of inquiry has neither more nor less to do with the ends for which intelligence was given you than masturbation has to do with marriage."

Twilight.

where does love go,
when it leaves for the moment?
leaving behind two bodies
aching with torment.

where does hope hide,
when love seems to disappear?
slowly becoming elusive,
to those who draw near.

where do dreams fly,
as expectations mold into misery?
like the sun fading into twilight--
love becomes a distant memory.

Margins.

Jesus's life and ministry, while He physically walked on the Earth, was to reach out to the poor, the marginalized and those who were considered the "litter" of society. He dined with prostitutes, He reclined with tax collectors and He loved the lame, the blind and the lepers. He reestablished and affirmed the worth of a woman in the midst of an oppressive and chauvinistic society. His message of salvation was meant to uproot and overthrow the stronghold of those who considered themselves religious; who saw themselves as holy and righteous persons due to their self-proclaimed social status and by virtue of association with a race of people descended from the likes of Moses and King David. Jesus came for the Gentiles, who were considered to be hopeless filth, unworthy of the graces of Yahweh, to bring these outsiders hope and restoration. Jesus came so that all may have a relationship with God, in a very deep, personal way.

I write about these things, not to romanticize certain notions about reaching out to the marginalized or idealize unconditional love. I write these thoughts due to an ever shifting paradigm in my mind regarding the truth about Jesus and how He wants me to impact the world around me. I have been thinking a lot lately about how all of this affects my relationships with people, or sinners just like me, or how I've seen other people treat others who may have fallen short of the "Christian standard." And really, it's no wonder that people hate Christians. I know Jesus said that people will hate us because we choose to live according to another standard, but I'm not sure that the way people hate Christians now, is what Jesus meant. People hate Christians now because we're fickle little hypocrites who are so quick to point out other people's faults without first realizing the gravity of our own. We are also quick to marginalize "sinners," quick to kick people out of our homes and our churches for messing up. In this way, I think that the Christian faith, at least in the United States, parallels the religious arrogance of the Pharisees. Ick.

Christians are so good about following a formula when it comes to confronting someone--they confront a person by speaking truth, person fails to change, person is kind of ex-communicated from community, Christian feels like they did the right thing and move on with their lives, and the other person is either devastated or turns against the church and more hate proliferates. Clearly, this is not quite right. It doesn't reflect the love and grace of Jesus. It does not give the impression of being the salt and light of the earth. It seems sad and kind of...hopeless.

The thing about speaking the truth is that it's meant to be in love and out of the same sort of grace that God has shown us through the Cross of Christ. The problem with most people who want to speak the truth, is that it is rarely done in love and most likely, things are said out of discomfort. Discomfort with the situation at hand, or not wanting to deal with someone else's sinfulness, makes it easier to give ultimatums, I think. And I think its so sad. I've been guilty of it. I used to give ultimatums about certain things, but that was because I thought I was awesome. No, really. I actually thought I was more "right" and less of a sinner than the person I was confronting.

Granted, there are times when there really is nothing anyone can do for someone who is unrepentant, who shows no remorse or no care for how he or she is hurting anyone around them. Should they be removed from their immediate community, displaced and left to fend for themselves? I don't know, probably not. I know we're not meant to coddle people. We're not meant to condone sin and be comfortable with the tragic and evil things that do happen. But should we give up on people, I don't think so. And yes, it's all easier said than done. But when I think about Jesus, or how Jesus would want me to treat other people, it all makes sense. It's not easy, but following Christ never is. And choosing to love someone in such a way that it mirrors the grace of God is terribly exhausting and extremely uncomfortable.

But I think that's what I'm supposed to do. I don't understand all of the "how's" yet. But I know I'm supposed to love people in a way that points them to the amazing love of God.