Un-sleep.

because smarter--and often times, dead-- people say it better:

Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as “Careful! This might lead you to suffering.”

To my nature, my temperament, yes. Not to my conscience. When I respond to that appeal I seem to myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ. If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities.…

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. (From The Four Loves, as found in The Inspirational Writings of C.S. Lewis, 278-279.)

This helps make sense of why it is we take emotional risks. Risks are investments. Sometimes, it accrues interest. And sometimes, it just bottoms out. But even then, there is always something to be learned. Perhaps, next time one would not invest so much so soon, or take more time to think about what it is that they are investing in, etc.

Though, even the promise of increasing knowledge and spiritual growth does not take away from the very painful experience of "bottoming out." I believe that, in this backwards reality that is Christianity, the "bottoming out" is what keeps our hearts tender and more receptive to God's grace. The tenderhearted are less likely to be complacent in spirit, but seeking Truth actively, clinging tightly onto God's promises.

Realistically speaking, none of what I said makes the recovery process any simpler. God's promises are never meant to be used as Novocaine to numb away the pain. Wouldn't that be convenient? Most important lesson I've learned in these past 2-3 weeks: it's not about convenience. It's about something else. Though, I realize that it's 2:33 am and I have not the heart to tell you at this point. Maybe some sleep will do me good.

(sorry if this post just, all of a sudden, became anti-climactic)

Clearly, I am not studying.

Tomorrow I have a test on--get this-- how to do an Abdominal Assessment (7:30 in the morning, baby!). I think it's really cool. So, I just wanted to share. I really like what I've been learning. Nursing school is too legit to quit.

in other news:
What I've been learning lately is that things...affect me deeply. Complacency or contempt is not a state of being I tend to remain in. One minute, I'll be minding my own business, reading my Bible, then BAM! life is--all of a sudden--a little bit different than when I woke up that morning. It's like my life is this roller coaster ride and I am holding on for dear life. But I believe that this is how God chooses to move me and grow me. And moving and growing, I know, is far better than being stagnant and moldy. However, it's not easy. It is emotionally exhausting.

I feel like I need to write something fun and whimsical to off-set the previous paragraph.

yeah, but I got nothing.

Um, hmmm...I guess I'm lacking in the fun and whimsical department. If only my life were more like a Disney movie...then I feel that it would be something like this:



i love this movie. hee :-)




-

Psalm 34 (its a good one)

Psalm 34

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.

1 ^[a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

The Broken Heart

O LORD,

No day of my life has passed that has not proved me guilty in thy sight.
Prayers have been uttered from a prayerless heart;
Praise has been often praiseless sound;

My best services are filthy rags.

Blessed Jesus, let me find a covert in thy appeasing wounds.
Though my sins rise to heaven thy merits soar above them;
Though unrighteousness weighs me down to hell,
thy righteousness exalts me to thy throne.

All things in me call for my rejection,
All things in thee plead my acceptance.
I appeal from the throne of perfect justice to thy throne of boundless grace.

Grant me to hear thy voice assuring me:
that by thy stripes I am healed,
that thou wast bruised for my inquities,
that thou has been made sin for me
that I might be righteous in thee,
that my grievous sins, my manifold sins,
are all forgiven,
buried in the ocean of thy concealing blood.
I am guilty, but pardoned,
lost, but saved,
wandering, but found,
sinning, but cleansed.

Give me perpetual broken-heartedness,
Keep me always clinging to thy cross,
Flood me every moment with descending grace,
Open to me the springs of divine knowledge,
sparkling like crystal,
flowing clear and unsullied
through my wilderness of life.

[pg 150, The Valley of Vision]

The Big Picture

context: Sometimes, we get too caught up in the little, minute details of everyday life. I have found it beneficial for my soul to take a step back and look at the big picture: God's overall purpose for mankind and what He's going to do in this world. I was reminded of this, once again, when I was freaking out about all the things I had to do for class. But, even all the little things that seem insignificant, somehow, still fit in with The Big Picture.

The following is an entry I wrote in my non-online journal on Sept. 30th. It is meant to be an encouragement and an exhortation to my brothers and sisters in Christ. May God get all the glory, for He has given me these insights and these words:

Praises to God:

God, how I love to dwell on thoughts that exalt Your name. You are Holy and beautiful. Your taste is everlasting sweetness on the palate of my soul. Father God, Your goodness never fails to satisfy. You, who sustains all things, sustain the righteous. Oh, the depths of Your amazing grace that overwhelms the proud sinner with profound humility.

Jesus Christ. In that name, the name that the Father has declared the name above all names, is the name that calms my troubled soul. Jesus, the focal point of the universe, the source of my salvation and strength, You sacrificed your rightful place as ruler of the universe so that You could life a perfect, earthly life serving the sinful and ungrateful human race. Your life speaks volumes about what it means to please and placate the wrath of a righteous and holy God. If actions speak louder than words, then Your life on earth resonates throughout the continuum of eternity: of things that were, things present and things to come.

Christ, You are exalted and rightly worshiped, for it is You, who bore the sins of the world on Your shoulders. You were cursed for our transgressions so that the scales on our eyes would fall away and that we would see God's amazing grace. And now that I see the goodness of God and the gravity of man's depravity, I understand what is necessary to be able to stand under the banner of God's steadfast love: a passionate zeal to live holy lives, jealous for God's glory.

Holy Spirit. Thank You for Your wisdom, for Your patience, for guiding my life, for sincere conviction. I praise You for helping me see God's glory. Thank You for what You are teaching me.

An exhortation to believers:

What point is there in living for own ends, for our own subjective, justifiable means? I see my selfish intents and when I act on them, its not long before my spirit grieves within me, crying out, "What's the point? If it is not for God, then what's the point!"

Easier said than done.

But God wants it done. He understands that we're human and that we're depraved, bent on straying away from your Shepherd like lost and dumb sheep. He knows that this world is evil, filled with temptation, malice and painful experiences. He knows that "life isn't fair," and He hears us when we say, quietly to ourselves, "no one deserves this." He knows that we do, in fact, deserve it. He is just, righteous and holy. It is in His nature to allow the painful experiences in life ot happen because of sin. And sin, deserves death.

But the truth remains that God is good, full of grace and filled with steadfast love. As the psalmist says in Psalm 139:

"He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities, for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to His children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him."

So fear Him.
Love Him.
Sacrifice your life for the sake of the Cross.
Be diligent in studying scripture and living a holy and blameless life.
But do not, under any circumstances, think that you can do this by just "doing." This is a life. Not a checklist of things to do before you die and go to heaven. And always, always, always remember God's grace, lest we become loveless and legalistic. God knows that this life is difficult, especially for His righteous ones. But GRACE:

Grace is what gives strength to the weary, righteous ones. Grace is what gives us access to the throne room of the most High. Grace is the pillow that we can rest our heads on, so that we can sleep at night. Grace is what wakes us up in the morning. Grace fulfills us and reminds us of our ultimate purpose in life. Grace is what makes life worth living. Grace shows us what it means to love our God. Grace teaches us how to love other people. Grace is why God sent His beloved Son to die on the Cross and Grace is the awesome reminder that God loves us, the way no one else ever can.