feeling sentimental is kind of confusing for my brain. it's like the halfway point between feeling depressed and being excited for what's to come... hmm. maybe being sentimental is really just feeling melancholy. or maybe i am neither. i just realized that i have not eaten anything at all today, which means that my blood sugar is pretty low, which can answer for why i am feeling mopy and grumpy.

gosh, i'm so glad that science can answer everything (or at least it answers questions on a more superficial level in order to avoid unearthing the deeper meanings.)

Sometimes people write funny songs...

I was sitting in the library, minding my own business, distracting myself from doing homework (the usual) and listening to Frank Sinatra Radio on pandora.com when a song came that made snicker loudly (woops). I'm sure you'll find the lyrics very interesting:

I Can't Be New by Susan Werner

Coffee, ham and eggs
I can be your diner
Tired and aching legs
I'll be your recliner
And when you need a breath of air,
i'll be your balcony

when you need a laugh,
I can be your joker,
cut a loss in half,
I can be your broker
cause all of that and more
you've been for me

i'll be, very least, when the pressure's heightening
i can be the grease when your wheels are tightening
when you need a dance, I can that ol' soft shoe
I can be your girl, through the best and worst times
but I can't be the girl, you notice for the first time
there's so much I can do, but I can't be new...

and when their buying you steak baby, I can be the gravy
when they throw you in the lake, I can be the navy
be that three day leave
I can be that bad tattoo
I can be the sky, the very wild blue yonder
so I can catch your eye
when it starts to wander
as I've seen it do
oh, at least a time or two,
i'll be anyting for you baby
but I can't be new...

I will reserve my thoughts about this song for another blog post. Right now, I really need to...concentrate. aaaaaah.

God carries His wounded.

Sometimes, I forget. But the reality of God's incomprehensible love and never ending compassion and grace for us, the depraved and helpless, is a reality that is beyond the boundaries of my imagination. Do I forget simply because it is a truth that makes me uncomfortable? Ironically, it is God that I should find all my comfort in, but He is overwhelming. As I continue to grow in knowledge about my faith and about who God is, I see more and more how undeserving I am of His mercies. Yes, it makes me uncomfortable. Because I see the depravity of my human nature and I know that if salvation was distributed according to merit, I would never receive it.

But God does not want me wallowing in shame, but rejoicing in who He is and what He's done for sinful humanity. And how Jesus endured the curse of the Cross so that I can have a loving relationship with the Father.

So here I am, humbled and helpless, like an infant in need of her Father's comfort after falling down and skinning her knee, I rest in God's arms as He surrounds me with His assurance that He is indeed for me, and not against me. He is carrying me, because I am not strong. He is holding me, because only He can comfort me. He is with me, so that I am not alone. He is listening closely because He can understand me better than anyone.

I'm supposed to be napping...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. [Jeremiah 29:11]

I read that verse and I believe it. I believe it in my head, at least. I want so much for that belief to travel down the 12 inches to my heart, where it counts the most. Because I can only tell myself "truth" for so long before my body rejects it completely. The constant conflict between my head and my heart about truths such as Jeremiah 29:11 is emotionally and physically draining. Then when you throw papers, projects and rather large reading assignments into the mix...I don't know. All I know is...I can't even figure out what to call "it," and if I'm so confused that I can't figure out exactly why I'm confused (because I feel like I'm being pulled in 50 different directions), I'm sure that's pretty indicative of something unhealthy.

Or maybe I just need a break.

I do, earnestly, believe and cling to the truth that God is good and that He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. But after this week, I think He has really tipped the scale. I am greatly overwhelmed, but more in a negative sense than a positive one. I think it's heretical to say that I don't know if God knows what He's doing, so I won't say that. But I will say, "God, what ARE you doing?" I'm glad that He thinks I can handle all of this, I--meaning me in my finite humanity-- just don't think I can! I feel like...if one more thing happens...whatever thread is holding my sanity together is going to break, and I will seriously, lose it.

With all that to say, I will probably look back on this post a year from now and laugh at myself (which tends to happen when I read my past journal entries and see how God does work things out). I know that this journal entry is a manifestation of my stress and exhaustion combined.

It's not the end of the world, but, not to be sadistic or anything, I would rather have the end of the world. I want to be in heaven with Jesus. That is a million times better than a summer break.