Perfect Timing.

My roommate and I were discussing God's perfect timing yesterday. We both believed and consented to the fact that whatever happens to us, whatever circumstance we find ourselves in--whether good or bad--is all part of God's sovereignty over all things and His amazing ability to orchestrate everything for the purposes of His glory, our sanctification and the deepening of our relationship with Him.

However, I think I only say that God's timing is perfect when something good, or more specifically-- when something that makes me feel good, happens. In that context, I have no problem saying that God's timing is perfect. After all, the word "perfect" is associated with bright and shiny things. Things like getting engaged, getting married, getting a job that you've always wanted, getting money, a new relationship, having a baby, graduation...and the list goes on.

But what about everything else? Like losing a job? Break-ups? Divorce? Raw revelations of trauma and past hurts? Death? A car accident? Sickness?

Or...what about... getting pregnant at 14, out of wedlock, and the father is not the man you are betrothed to? How much more convenient it would've been for Mary to be pregnant when she was already married to Joseph. How much more "perfect" the timing would've been if that were the case.

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

I can imagine Mary wondering this as she and Joseph journeyed to Bethlehem while she was 9 months pregnant, to give birth to Jesus in a manger, a stable filled with smelly animals and hay instead of the comforts of her own home.

Perfect doesn't mean it has to feel good, but it does mean that God is accomplishing something in our lives, at this very perfect moment. Whatever comes up or feels weird this Christmas season, I hope that you go deep with God in those things in order for Him to work those things out for your good. We're meant to converse with God about our pain and our trials. It is unproductive to just blame our sin, or ourselves, or other people. No, that's too easy. I believe this is a very practical application of Romans 8:28 and also Philippians 2:12b-13: "...work out your salvation WITH fear AND trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

We gon' be ok.

you an' me
we gon be ok
no matter
what life
throws our way

whether it be
lemons,
or curve balls
or
unexpected snow falls

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through lightning
storms,
complacent norms
filing out IRS tax forms

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through weekdays,
or holidays,
or friends
that may drift
away

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through birth pains,
or side laughter pains,
social awkwardness,
or social network gains

you an' me
we gon' be ok

tension

changing perspectives, ever revolving, like shiny, glass doors in front of a department store, glimmering with promises of something new. stretched beyond the boundaries of former thought, the strain of tension hold taught to it's breaking point. eyes closed, breath held in, waiting for the sudden break in silence.

Nothing sweeter.

I woke up this morning feeling very loved. I was greeted with calm and peace. And I'm going to sit in that and cherish it.

Thanks Jesus.

Loneliness

A friend told me about a woman, in her late 30's, who's never been married and travels the world as part of her photography ministry. This woman talked about dealing with loneliness as a single woman and the realities of the struggles that she faces. She made an astute observation and realized that the overwhelming power that loneliness can often have on an individual is directly related to, if not, a cause of, fear. Fear that is rooted in insecurities-- she is not loveable, not wanted, that she isn't special enough, that the negative things she perceives about herself are actually true causing her to be undesirable. There is fear in the unknown, of what the future will--or will not--bring. And there is fear that the feelings of loneliness will never go away, that she is to succumb to its grip every time it comes knocking on the door of her consciousness. But then she says that at this point, she writes the word "loneliness" on a piece of paper, straps it into the front seat of her Prius and takes it for a drive down the streets of Newport. Loneliness then looses it's firm grip. And she overcomes.

I just want to meet this woman, give her a high five and say "You go, girl!"

I found this story to be, pardon my early 90's lingo, "too legit." She is a woman who is no stranger to loneliness and she doesn't quit living her life! And I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in her late 30's, living in a context, where the ideal format for living a "good" life is being married and having 2.5 kids...

She says that she has learned to sit in loneliness, allowing herself to face the lies and insecurities that threaten to rob her of her love for life and her inner joy and peace. I admire her for this. She works things out, talks to Jesus about it, fights to see what is true about herself and what is not. Most people, including myself, cannot sit in this seemingly dark and unhappy place. We do whatever it takes to avoid it. Some people make themselves busy enough, or never allow themselves to be alone. Some people jump from relationship to relationship, never dealing with their fears and the pain and the angst that is going on inside.

I am inspired by this woman. She reminds me that the feelings of loneliness are not things to succumb to, but should be faced with courage and resolve.

Crack(ed) head

The mind is such an interesting, overlooked thing, in terms of how most people don't realize, how the way we think can really affect how we live our lives. Well, I guess it's only overlooked and ignored in some, if not most, conservative Christian circles. Or conservatives in general, like the baby boomer generation. What is their deal, anyway?

Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.

This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.

I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.

Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.

haha psychoanalyze that.

An Ode to Clive Staples Lewis

A man who had abandoned his childhood christian faith when he was 13, only to find it again 20 years later. He is a beloved author and respected intellectual. I truly appreciate what he has contributed to literature, as a whole, and more importantly his profundity, in dissecting and operationalizing the ins and outs of what it means for him to be a follower of Jesus. He didn't grow up following traditions or set standards. He wrestled and thought through about what it means to be a Christian for the sake of following Jesus. The following is a collection of quotes that I feel reflect that:

"The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us."
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"I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity."
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"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."
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"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me."
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"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
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"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
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"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
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"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
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"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened. "
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"It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence."

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"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"