I was just thinking and reflecting about what it means to really live for God while I read a brief synopsis of the life of Dietrich Boenhoeffer.

There are a lot of competing priorities when it comes to truly surrendering to God and really seeking His will for our lives--and I think there always has been.  Christians are human beings who want good things for their lives: successful careers, happy marriages, healthy relationships, being able to do the things we are passionate about...but often outside of seeking God first or surrendering to what He wants and trusting Him to provide the good in his perfect timing.

I struggle with surrendering.  It seems scary.  There's a lie floating around that surrendering to God means that we will be completely unhappy, that we will begrudge living and rue each day that comes.  I don't really know what surrendering to the will of God means right now. Part of me is sweating the trivial things like wondering if people will think I'm less "cool," will people judge me and think I'm legalistic (ironic, right?), etc.  I feel like an idiot admitting that right now.  Jesus died for me on the Cross and I'm worried about being cool. Hmm.  Other people were/are thoroughly convinced that Jesus was/is worthy dying or being imprisoned or being tortured and maimed for.  That's convicting.

I think in some ways surrendering might just mean seeking after and finding contentment in the place where I am at. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. Letting myself be. Generally accepting my circumstance: the good, the not-so good and the painful, but also actively listening to the still small voice and being obedient to step in whichever direction He leads me. More importantly, I think surrendering is simply listening to God and letting Him lead me instead of me telling Him what I am going to do with my life...

I've had to reevaluate my life and my priorities recently. I am asking for wisdom about what the next step is and I think God wants me to change my attitude about work and to view it as a place to really seek out ways to pour into people: patients and co-workers alike. I think He brought about an opportunity to travel with Coleman Associates doing their CHAMP internship program because He wants me to help my clinic in other different ways, to learn from Coleman and bring back what I've learned to my clinic to help us see more patients and continue to make a significant impact on Skid Row.  I think God wants me to learn how to be faithful in going to community group and continue to seek ways to get plugged into my church.

I think I've spent so much time psyching myself out or rationalizing myself out of throwing myself into God's arms.  I know and have known for awhile that I want nothing else than to be faithful to what He has called me to do and I refuse to believe that I will live disdainfully if I do.  I think it will be quite the opposite because God is predictably good.

I can't settle for anything less anymore.