More thoughts on self-disclosure...

I think public self-disclosure can be looked at as either glass half-empty or glass half-full...

I've been contemplating for some time now if it's necessarily a "bad" or "unwise" thing to be so open about my personal experiences in walking this life of faith.  I admit that my propensity to share what is going on in my life is an ineffable sort of inclination.  I honestly feel that I have to share, that it's somehow knitted very strategically into the person that God has made me to be.

In some circles, self-disclosure is totally and completely accepted, or at least, not as abhored or viewed as distasteful.  However, I do think that most well-meaning Christians are socialized to view it as a foolish thing. That emotions are to be disregarded and thrown out,  or dumped out, like waste-products, instead of looking at them, sharing them, trying to see where they come from. Then again, most well-meaning Christians don't value the process of self-examination and will go to great lengths to avoid looking at their sin issues in a more microscopic and meaningful way.  Not to completely digress, but in regards to the process of self-examination, I think overgeneralizing sin and our struggles as human beings--and not giving respect to the roots and causes of our specific struggles--is actually a clever and unintentional way, Christians have used to avoid themselves, or the uglyness of who they really are.  How can we truly appreciate the cross of Christ and what He died for, if we don't truly see who He actually died for?  I feel like we only tap the surface sometimes because we're afraid of what we might see.  It's understandable.  The Bible does say that we are depraved beings. 

Anyway.  I do see the pitfalls of public self-disclosure.  There is a degree of oversharing that is, in fact, weird.  But does it deserve judgment? No, I don't think so.  Do people who overshare want attention? Yeah. But like everything else that we do, there is an underlying reason for why we do what we do.  People who share want to be seen, which I believe is a basic human need.  Who doesn't want to be noticed and given affirmation for who they are?  Christians seek out God and we want to be seen by Him. It's not wrong to want that or acknowledge that it is a need. We are children of a most High God and like children, we want to be seen.  Even Hagar acknowledges this in Genesis 16:13, as she sat in the desert, because a jealous Sarah ran her out of her house--for having the audacity to actually get pregnant with Abraham's child (though it was Sarah's idea to have them sleep together in the first place).  But God meets Hagar in the wilderness, amidst her pain and troubles and blesses her. And her response is so beautiful, "You are a God of seeing,' for she said, 'Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

Ok, I digressed again. Sorry. So yes, people who view self-disclosure as a way to only get attention and affirmation from others aren't completely off base. But again, I don't think it's necessarily wrong.  And I think that some people may judge self-disclosure because they themselves don't understand it.  We reject what we don't understand.   On the other hand, people who refuse to share their personal stories and their emotions have their own underlying reasons for keeping it to themselves.   Maybe it's fear.  Fear of judgment. Fear of rejection. Or maybe it's pride.  A refusal to show weakness, or admit weakness. Or maybe it's ignorance.  Some may be completely unaware of their own crap, so they have nothing to share.  I think it's important to know why we share or don't share because I believe the way that people share with others directly affect how they share their lives with God.  And He of all people deserves our transparency...

Clearly, I am biased towards a more transparent way of living. Again, part of me feels like I just can't help it, sometimes.  I see how God is moving and working in my life and I don't think He wants me to just keep it to myself.  There are times that I share because I seek solace in the company of others, the comfort of people who care and love me.  When it's a more generalized audience, I think I share because I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggle and in a way, I think I am seeking affirmation for myself that I'm not alone, either.

Whatever the case may be, I sincerely believe that there is more eternal value in being sincere and transparent with others, than not. Not that it's easy.  Because it's not.


Toodles.

Can't sleep?

why not sign up for tumblr: http://twiddl-dee.tumblr.com/

What am I doing?

I don't mean to pose that question in a negative light.  I really am kind of wondering what is happening in my life right now.  It's a kind of wondering that involves meandering, thoughtful, consideration of the past couple of weeks and what I've been doing with my time.  Other than studying for the NCLEX--the biggest test of my life--I've mostly been hanging out with friends, soaking up the bit of time left that we have here together, taking advantage of the fact that we are still around the area and most importantly-- we don't really have actual responsibilities (i.e mortgage, marriages, car payments, children, etc.) 

I am kind of amused at how easy things seem to be going right now.  I wake up, study throughout the day, go to random exercise classes at the local 24 hr fitness (Zumba is my new favorite activity), or hang out with friends and watch movies (or play guitar hero), or play intense games of... Fishbowl.  I'm not complaining. This is NIIIIIIIICE. I'm even bobbing my head as I say it. 

Haha. I'm 26 years old, which I revealed to a new friend of mine who apparently thought I was 22 or 23. This came up because he asked me when I would want to get married--I didn't think anything of it, mostly because he seems like the kind of "dude" that just asks questions (plus, he's happily girlfriended).  I realized I was kind of disappointed that I had to admit how old I actually was.  I think I wanted him to keep thinking I was younger.

I guess hanging out with people who are a few years younger than me would make me slightly self-conscious about the fact that I'm 26.  But it really shouldn't. 

This is all correlated in someway...it's one big train of thought.  I think me being 26 and still kind of living the life of a "youngin" makes me wonder if I should be doing something more.... "mature."  I don't know.  Maybe I should just be thankful with where I'm at.  And I am.  I also believe that I am exactly where God wants me... so who cares what sort of internal judgment I'm projecting onto this situation right now? 

What do most 26 year olds do, anyway? 

Bah. Well, who cares.  I am enjoying myself and living life in a new way.  I feel really free.  And I'm excited for what's coming in these next few months...in the next year! At the same time,  I'm enjoying each day as it comes, too. I have a feeling I should soak up this season of my life.  Take it for what it is.

After the Fact...

I am a college graduate. 

It's been a long time coming for me--maybe that's why the post-college feeling is all the more sweeter, smoother even. I feel very blessed--especially because I have a job.  A job that I am ecstatic and giddy about.  If you had told me a few months ago that I would have a job right out of school, I would've laughed very obnoxiously in your face.  My expectations were very low, mostly because those kinds of things don't really happen to me. If you've read my blog over the last few months (or years), it's pretty evident that I have been dealing with a lot of disappointments and discouragements--from either external situations or my own internal experience. So, why would I expect anything else?  This isn't meant to sound depressing or hopeless--I think my low expectations were equal parts humility and acceptance of my low estate, with maybe a mild tinge of self-pity. 

 Anyways, I think I really had reached a point of honest to goodness humility...and surrender.  God had brought me to that place and I wasn't going to fight him anymore. Don't get me wrong--it's a good place to be, but it did take quite a bit to get me here.   However, I still came up with some semblance of a plan--because I'm a woman and a woman who likes to plan things.  I called it PLAN B and it entailed going to bartending school and working at a bar in downtown Fullerton and maybe nannying, too.  I was even thinking about revisiting my days as a barista and planned to work at starbucks or any coffee shop that would employ a person with a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. All I knew was I wanted to be with people and talk to people, to be in the world and not of it, to be in ministry through relationships with people who are different from me, to love them as Jesus did... to love them as Jesus as has taught me to do.

But God still blessed me with a job that I would've given my left arm for. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration.  I probably wouldn't have torn out a limb to work at a clinic on Skid Row, but I remember despising the thought of working at some adult medical-surgical floor just for experience--but I was going to buck up and do it if I got hired at a hospital. However, God saw my heart and what I desired to do with my life and He is gracious enough to give me the opportunity to work with homeless people in downtown L.A... as a nurse. 

Oh man, there's still so much to say.  Because...God not only blessed me with a job, but also brought reconciliation in my life. He has taught me what true forgiveness is and what it means to entrust this process to Him. Things with my family had been the brunt of my spiritual and emotional distress and I didn't even think we would be whole come graduation time.  But the goodness of God prevailed.  I doubted His goodness and His love and may I never do it again--at least not anytime soon.

Over the years, I had become wary of saying "Glory to God," because I came from a background where those three words were dropped like it's hot. But they were empty words, without meaning, without real understanding, without real substantial and heartfelt belief.

But today, I can say it. GLORY TO GOD.  Those three words hold the last 5 years of my life, the ups and the downs--mostly downs-- the trials and the heartaches, the blessings of new realizations, the struggle in wrestling with God amidst the pain and most importantly--real and honest surrender, a willingness to let go of control of my life because God has proven His sovereignty, care, love and provision.

I pray that I will carry and hold true to this very important lesson in my life as I move on to a new chapter...